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ex is confusing me....still contacts me


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Hey all... My ex and I had a long talk on Friday regarding how her new boyfriend have her an ultimatum.Stop talking to me and seeing me or they are finished. Anyways I basically told her that it is her decision but she wasn't sure what to do. I made it simple then and as much as it hurt I told her to stop contacting to make him happy as I said I didn't want to ruin 2 relationships by that I mean ours that I did mess up and her new one. She also made a point that night when I said that I still loved her and she didn't have the same feelings for me.. But the thing is after Friday night she called me twice on Sunday but didn't answer both calls and wrote me an e-mail.

I'll attached the e-mail... Should I call her and does anyone know what is going through her head?

Here is my previous post as well, same issue..

link removed

 

 

 

 

 

dear Jamie, thank you so much for the wonderful words, even though i told you that it was bad timing, i still love to hear that. I have been thinking alot about this decision that i have to make and nobody tells me what to do with anything, you should know me by now. I really like to talk to you, the communication is something that i have wanted from the start. My parents really miss you and they wanted to see you on friday, they were dissappointed that you didn't stop in. If you want to talk to me tonight you can call my parents house, i'm here until the morning, the bus leaves at 645 yuk, i hate mornings, anyways don't hasitate to call, thank you for everything, hope to keep in touch.

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I think that she feels guilty for dumping you. She's being friendly b/c she doesn't want to feel like a bad person. In some ways, I think that she still feels more connected to you than with her new b/f.

 

Basically, she hasn't gotten over the attachment with you. Also, you mentioned that she started dating someone right after you, I think that she just feels like she needs to explore her options, but at the same time, keep you around b/c you are her comfort zone.

 

The best thing that you could do for now, is to stop contact. Even if you still love her, she has to figure out what she wants, even though she's made it clear to you that she does not want to be with you. In other words, I don't think that you should hang onto her. It's not fair for you.

 

Let her learn. I truly don't think that this new relationship will work out since she still confides in you. She obviously has not let go of the past.

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Thanks mahlina..

I know what you mean but the thing is that I am keeping my end of the no contact thing. I mean the first month I was always calling her and wanting to get back but for the last 2 months I've never called her. She always calls me once a week or 2 to go for coffee or lunch. And then with this week-end when her new guy gave her the ultimatum and I toild her that as much I love her that she can never speak to me again if she wants to be with the other guy for her sake because of the ultimatum but she has called me twicec yesterday of which I didn't answer and left me this e-mail? So I'm confused? She's free to never speak to me again to be with him and to get on with her life. After our talk on Friday night and she still calls she just makes me confused? What does she really want??

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She feels really guilty because she knows that you are a good guy, or that you may have changed? If she started dating him right after you then she may have been cheating maybe she feels like scum for being a cheater. She wants to make things right with you so she does not have a guilt over her head, if you know what I mean. Or she wants you to be her BACK UP PLAN.

 

Like the other poster said, she is not really that conected with her new man as she says she is , it is a bunch of crap. You cannot really be that much in love with a person you have only known for 3 months. This is a rebound relationship and IT WILL NOT LAST. She has not had the chance to get over her feelings for you. She keeps you around because she knows that it may not work with this guy. I am sure when the infatuation wears off he will leave her. She will be right back in your arms, but do you really want her back.

 

She is lying to herself, I read in a relationship book that mind tells you to move on, but the heart takes longer to do so. She is filled with a rush of adrenalin from this new relationship, but once it is over she will have to grieve what she lost with you. She knows that you are the bigger/better person because you unlike her new BF tell her to do what makes her happy even if it means being with Joe Blow. Joe Blow on the other hand forbids her to see you, which makes him look like the bad guy and you the good guy. You are very kind hearted b/c it would be hard for me to see an ex with someone else and wish them the best.

 

She does not know what she wants I would let her be, she made her bed now she has to sleep in it. Keep up the no contact. Why is it so important for you to give her/parents closure she never gave you closure? You can call her but do not bend over backwards for her, if she is bossing you around. She wants to see you for the last time I guess. I would never choose a man I have know for 3 months over a friend of 3 years, sorry.

 

Her relationship must not be that good or she would not ask to go for coffee all the time, she cannot turn two men into the perfect man. Her New man does not provide her with comfort which you do. No person can keep you from seeing another, so that just says her new BF is controling. I bet she will be back in about 6 months when this rebound relationship is over. She made the dumbest mistake in the book never start a new realtionship right after breaking up with some one. Both parties need to heal before they move on. You both need to heal, but she is not, when it is over all the pain will come flooding in.

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Thanks for the reply Genesis..it really makes sense..I know she hasen't really healed properly.. She met the new guy a week before we broke up on-line and he was from the east coast.He moves to our city a couple of weeks later ans she starts dating him 2 weeks after we broke up. Kind of fast for my taste...And the thing about her parents...well... They really liked me and I liked them.. they were nice so as my family.They really liked her alot. My ex was really good friends with my older sister as well.. And the weird part is that they may be going to the movies and dinner next week. My sister asked me first if it was ok.. I said yes...

I've been dating this one girl for almost 3 months now but still of my ex alot. It's not a serious relationship as my ex but we see each other twice a week or so.

I just find it weird that I let her go to be with the new guy but she called me twice on Sunday.. Were we not supposed to talk anymore???

And another weird thing, kind of petty though, but I asked her if she still had the 2 big stuffed animals I gave her for her b-day last year and anniversary and she said yes! She has them on her bed??? If she's really over me then why does she have them on her bed ? If was over someone like that I would throw those out or at least put them away in the back of the closet......... It's all confusing..

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I'm really sorry to hear about your break up. It sounds like she's just toying you around. She's playing with your heart. Even if her actions are unintentional, it's rather selfish don't you think?

 

I mean, here you are, constantly thinking about her, sad about the break up, and where is she? Off with someone new. How convenient for her to talk to her ex, yet try to start a new relationship with someone else. She has the best of both worlds.

 

If you really want to know what she thinks, think about if she really bothers to stop and think about what you're thinking. Regardless if your relationship is over, but shouldn't two friends care about each other's well-being. Friendship is about reciprocating, and she is obviously not being a friend by choosing that guy over you. In other words, she's only thinking of herself.

 

I don't want to sound too harsh, but she's stepping all over you. Maybe she's a nice person, but her actions show that she does not want you. She does not think of you as 'the one'. Sure, no doubt, some couples grow up, and get back together once they mature, but it sounds like things are not working out right now.

 

The best thing that you could do is to tell her exactly that you cannot maintain a friendship. You have to be a little cold, even if you don't want to, b/c your only feeding onto her emotions, and she's just taking advantage of it. She needs time to figure things out on her own, and you don't need to be there for her.

 

I know that this is not what you want to hear, but that's what's needed to be done. Right now, she's not thinking much of you. Her consistancy in contacting you shows that (exactly what Genesis said), "she's lying to herself".

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I exactly know what you mean... I guess I should never answer the phone when she calls then.. Because honestly I haven't called her in 2months and never try to contact her because I am trying to heal. I'm doing what I think is best and plus I've ben dating this new girl for 6 weeks now but don't want anything serious with her though..

To be honest I think my ex has relationship problems.. I mean she's never not had a boyfriend since she was like 15 or so. Her first was for 4 or 5 years then another guy before me for 1 year that she was friends with before they went out and were still friends when I started dating her after him and we went out for almost 3 years. So she's never really been single for long. And the thing is with the other ex before me, I didn't mind if she still saw him when we went out because I knew they were friends as well.. Heck I even started to like him..we all played on the same softballl team for 2 summers..

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Oh, okay, I see. So it's one of those situations. Now I see. So she didn't find him just out of nowhere. You guys all have a history together.

 

I could kind of relate to her in terms of relationships. I've had that problem too. I've never been single, and have always been in one relationship after another. I just recently understood why, and it's b/c I've always lacked a father-figure in my life since my father past away at a young age, I loved him dearly. He did everything for me, I was subconsiously always looking for someone who could be just like him. So, her problem could be linked to childhood experiences.

 

The only difference is that now that I'm old enough to see this, I'm trying to correct my problem, which she should too, b/c being dependent on relationships for happiness is not a very healthy behavior. What she needs to do is allow time for herself to be on her own. Just like me. I've been trying to be single. It doesn't feel natural, but that's what's needed to be done in order to correct this unhealthy behavior.

 

That does not necessarily mean that her problem has to become yours. I still think that it's selfish of her to keep you around. One thing that I would do if I were you is to tell her, "Look, if you want to remain friends, then you have to respect my space, and give me more time to heal, otherwise, I take it that you're too self-contained to even be a friend."

 

Truly, if she is not self-centered, then she will repsect your wishes. Women tend to be understanding. So, if she could empathize with you, then she'll refrain. Afterwards, tell her that you can choose to be friends (it's almost unavoidable, since she's friends w/your sis), after you guys have been apart for a while.

 

Meanwhile, you need to pick yourself up again, and regain your life. Your world doesn't revolve around hers anymore. I know that breakups are painful, but, it really helps when you do not keep in touch for a while. It really speeds up the process. It's really sweet how you still care for her, but you should take that energy and invest it on yourself, and your healing process. It's your time to realize that the world has so much more to offer than to just a heartache.

 

Statistics show that other than the death of a loved one, divorce is second to one of the most devastating changes, stressors, in a person's life. What you're going through is natural. I hope that this helps. Good luck. Take it one day at a time. Later in 20 yrs., you'll look back and realize that this pain is nothing. Good news is that you'll have more positive memories to reflect on, and this pain is only temporary.

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Thanks for the reply again.. Actually her new boyfriend I never met , it was the one before me I ended up meeting and got along with. This new guy I think she met on-line actually at first..

Like you said take it one day at a time and keep doing what I'm doing and avoid contact even if she tries to contact me..I just won't answer the phone..

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Hi bubbamackdaddy69,

 

I totally agree with eveything mahlina has told you, everything you both describe is bscailly what happened to me over the past 2 months. I can tell you right now that it has hurt like hell.

 

I'm not going to rant on about myself but if you want to read my post its just a few posts below this one. I'm just trying to show you that its basically what happened to me. My ex broke up with me, for no real reason other than she needed time for herself to discover herself. We were each others first love and first serious realtionship, she put it down to bad timming.

 

I followed the no contact rule but she would ask me if i would like to meet up as friends on a few occasions, i didn't agree to go at first but after 2 more months i thought that maybe i'd do it. Another reason i decided to meet her up was because she had told me that she missed me and perhaps oneday in the future we could to together but not right now. She already knew how i felt so i continued to meet her and get close to her with the expectation or her asking me back.

 

She broke the news to me crying last night that she has been dating my FRIEND since the 5th of this month! She was crying and they are both genuinely sorry as they keep trying to explain to me.

 

What i'm basically trying to warn you is, even though peoples feelings may seem to be genuine they will most likey be thinking about themselves first. Its a horrible thing to do, but my ex kept me on the side while she tried to sort out her feelings for my friend and for me. I ended up being the one hurt from all this. I would never ever want you or anyone else to go through what i am going through right now.

 

A big part of me likes to believe that this is just a rebound realtionship since she insists that i was and am a special person in her life but she just couldn't help her feelings towards my friend, and that things will fall back into place. However i have now learned that i should not expect anything and that i truly need to move on. Who knows if my friends will be part of my future again, but i have to concentrate on what is happening right now, and they cannot be apart of my life at this moment.

 

This is just my experience, it may not happen to you like it has happened to me but beware. Be strong and good luck.

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Yes i often thought about telling my ex to not contact me, since she was the one who was always contacting me up to 3 times a day. I regret not telling her that now since it would have saved me alot of pain, but if i didn't talk to her i'd miss her very much. That was my dilema, i knew i shouldn't stay in contact because i was expecting for her to ask me back. I feel as if she was using me as an shoulder to cry on or someone to keep close for her own convinience while she got things on with my friend. It kills me to think about what was going on in her head at the time and i really wish i listerned to the advice of others. At the same time this was a lesson that i had to learn myself. Now in the future i know to be more careful and to watch out for being hurt more.

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Yes you are totally right... We don't deserve this. I've made my mistakes in our 3 year relationship, I'll admit that but she is so selfish of her own feelings that I'm at the point that I still love her but am getting fed up. She's still in that rebound relationship as far as I know and I guess it is her way of dealing with a break-up.. I think she's moving way too fast with him thouh..I mean it's only been 2.5 months with him and she told she's thinking of going to his parents house for xmas that live a 15 hour drive away and going to Mexico in february with him on a vacation..Yeah that's quick...But oh well she'll learn from her mistakes I guess...

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bubba,

 

It seems like you are still centered in her life. Your life still revolves around hers. You are still keeping tabs, still checking up on her to find out how her new relationship is coming along. Right now, she is holding all of YOUR power. One way or another, you have to regain your power back. If you are able to decide in your mind that her life isn't as important to you anymore, then keeping some level of contact might be alright for you. But most people can't stay in contact, while breaking the bonds that they once had with their ex. Thus, the no contact rule. Its not like the no contact rule is the "best way", its more like the lesser of two evils. You have to decide to close the door on the relationship for your own best interest. Its not an easy decision to make, but it will help to speed your healing process along.

 

For so long she has been the center of your world, so making yourself the center of your own world again will take some time to adjust to, but it will happen eventually, with time.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub

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Thanks bdub..

Yeah I know what you mean but I am not contacting her..It's her that calls me and stuff, I have call display so I guess I should never answer her calls then..And I'm not meaning to keep tabs on her , she just tells me this stuff.. I honestly gotta go for a whole month or two without speaking or seeing her.. I did send her a b-day card though..her b-day is friday...that's it from me though...

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Hi bubbamackdaddy69

I really have empathy for you, i am going through the same situation. I have negotiated with my ex that we should not talk anymore because she already have feelings for someone else and it's not fair for him. She called me almost everyday. I told her not to call, but after 3 days of no communication, she left me voice messages on my work phone said she misses me. It's ironic that she is the one that breaked up with me and adament about trying her new feelings with another guy for just 3 mons that she met in London. We dated for 5 years.

I am very bad as advice, all i can tell you is just hang in there, don't talk too much. If she calls then talk, don't call her.

I tried not to contact her for 3 days, and after 3 days she missed me so much and asked me that if I can wait for her to come back. She said she leave this time to resolve some unfinish issues and she'll be back(she have to leave London for 8 mons to help her dad, the guy broke us apart also in London). Hope my little story will help. I am so confused.

 

We're all confused, but we have to be independent emotionally!!

 

Yep, you're not alone, hope this help

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Wow, I feel for you as well.. Tough isn't it? At least your ex calls and says she misses you. Mine would just call about once a week to go for coffee or something. It's funny how they can go to another relationship so fast.. I mean right after my break up I didn't want to be with anyone but her but the thing is ..is how serious they get so fast with them.. I mean I can be with another woman after my break up and I have but It will be nothing serious for a while.. I may sound rude for saying this but a month after my break up I had a 1 night stand with a girl I met at a club and to be honest it felt great. No commitment no confusion and that is what I needed then. But now is a different story, I've been dating this one girl for 6 weeks now but keep thinking of my ex and I think the new girl is beginning to develop feelings for me.. I gotta tell her now that I don't want anything serious.

Good luck to us all !!

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Yo I am goin through the samething as you and after reading this i feel so much better . My ex dumped me for no reason and now she is havin doubts about me. We were together for 3 years. I really loved this girl to death and at 16 i got her name tattooed on my arm. In every sentence i use to say i love u. I mean i cant even explain how much i loved this girl. When she dumped me i was beggin her plz dont do this and she told me i just dont care anymore, told me that a tattoo doesnt mean shit or show that i loved her and that i should come to her when i become something. Its been 3 months now and even after all that i think about her alot. I dont call her or anything but she trys talkin to me but i dont answer. Even though it hurts i just keep my head up & u do the same man ^_^

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Hi there!

 

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. I am going through tough time too trying to get over an ex. Yes, exgirlfriends seem to move on fast. She just went up north to meet her new boyfriend's parents over thanksgiving and tried to tell it is not serious. Yeah, right. SHe came over one night to pick up her stuff and started crying immediately because she missed me and coming to my apartment. She left saying that no matter how bad things got, there was always a chance to comeback to this, and I thought to myself, ". . . and you are having sex with another guy?"

 

I think that when we love our exes, we love them for a period of time when we were with them. In my case, I broke up with her cause things got crappy, and if I went back they would just be crappy again. She isn't the girl I fell in love with. That girl was from 2 years ago. I think when we miss our exes and dwell over them, we miss them from a time before the break up, as there are usually tell-tale signs that the relationship is going sour.

 

Keep your chin up and be strong. I fell on my face and are ashamed of it. I am trying to get myself together and it is slowly working.

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