Self-destruction is killing me

[ShadeOfGreen]

Please if you're interested read this as I feel I am moving t my own self-destruction and I need help.

 

This post is long and I'm sorry but its something thats been building up inside me. Something about me makes me feel alone and its really hurting me. Sometimes the thought of suicide will run through my brain but I always come to the conclusion that life is beautiful so that is the wrong way but I just can't find anyone that I can share my world with. I don't mean that in a relationship sense as much as I mean it in a sense of just people in general. I have three people who I can consider as extremly close to me. Each of these people share a common interest (art) and each of them explore a different part of it (music, writing, and fine art). Now I still cannot relate to these people (even though they are some of my closest friends) because none of them can take these things the way I do. I mean that in the way I see art as life. All art (and my defintion is broad) is life and no one I know sees this (and I go to art school) and I feel that a lack of finding this connection in someone is leading to my self-destruction.

 

Right now I am sitting in my room drinking, alone. Something has lead me to this path I am sure of it and in a way I know what. I have a problem that is as follows. I know that people like me, I know that I can get along with just about any person, but, I never do anything about it. As I just looked through my phone I can see that there are about eight people I can call and go out to do something right now, but I don't call them. I don't call them because I am scared. I am always scared. Since Freshmen year of high school I have been scared. Scared to deal with anything. I go part-time to art school right now and all I ever hear from my peers (especcially the ones my age) is how great my work is. I think I am awful. Also I only make about 1-3 pieces a month when I could easily make six times as many (I know it sounds like I'm full of my ability but I am most certainly not) because I hate myself.

 

My problem is I just don't know who I am supposed to be. I have actually told people on this board that all they have be is themselves and that is all they ever need. Yet it is slowly occrring to me that I don't even know how to live. The only things I know for sure about myself is that I am 20, I love art no matter what form, and that I would do anything to be able to be happy. Yet, more than anything I seek a means to be happy enough to just do what I love and be happy doing it, instead of finding means to distract myself.

 

If you read this much please respond, I have fears that I will do something I shouldn't if I can't talk to somebody, I am really hurting.

 

PS: (If you don't want to don't read): This is waht I mean by no one knows, I can spend a night listeining to one album over and over again, or one painting, or comic, or image. All I truly desire is a person who can see thses art forms with me.

[butch_G]

hi ShadeOfGreen

i have no idea of how to help you. you sound like a really great guy. you can see life in paintings, that is incredible. i cant do that evan if i stare at a painting for 1/2 an hour. i know that all you desire is a person just like you but it is very hard to find someone who can see what you see. everybody sees the world differently and that is what makes this world a beautiful place to live in. i must admit some people have bad views of the world but if everybody had the same view then this life would be boring.

do you have a pet dog or cat??? cause if you dont then you should get 1 cause animals always seem to make the most saddest people happy.

 

jope i helped

 

butch

[VickiRose]

Hey, I am a lot similair to you... We're the same age, and I am also an artist. Anyways, what I want to say to you, is that your not the only person who feels this way. Art is life, and it is everywhere. I know that when I paint, it helps me to escape reality, or to release whatever is bothering me... You seem to be well liked among your peers, and they love your artwork. Did you know that even the most successful people, think that their work is never good enough, so they are always finding ways to improve themselves, I read this in the book The Millionaire Mind. You sound like you are a very special person, who is well liked, and talented...