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Was breaking up with her a huge mistake?


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If he reached out to you and you've been feeling like a conversation might give you some much-needed closure, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

 

Just be prepared going in that some of his explanations or answers may be hard to take. Every time I've had a similar conversation where I sought "final" closure, I ended up with more I wanted to talk about with my ex within a few days. Try to focus on making yourself and your own life a priority after the talk.

 

Good luck!

 

Nothing he say will hurt me since he's already damaged me by breaking up. I've accepted the break up and I'm already moving on. I believe a clear closure would be nice though. Thank you!

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It's never clear. You will always have questions.

 

True. We spoke and the reason why he broke it off is because he's not sure if I'm "the one". He is turning 30 soon and I'm sure he's thinking about marriage. He wants to see if he will miss me/see how much I mean to him during this time. I was talking to him about food when I had dinner with a friend and I said "we", then he asked me who "we" was and then asked me if it was John (a friend) lol. It was kinda weird when I was walking out to leave and then he jokingly hit me in the butt, wanting a hug. So we hugged and he said take care. It felt weird because we aren't together lol.

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That night he tagged me on IG and made funny remarks "this is you when...." like how we used to when we were together...we haven't done that in 3 weeks...actually, we haven't really talked or joked like that since when we were together. I'm not sure if he wants to be my friend or what but that's not happening. I love him too much. He says he still loves and cares for me...Sigh, no matter how occupied I am, he's always there in the back of my mind. I hate this feeling.

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That night he tagged me on IG and made funny remarks "this is you when...." like how we used to when we were together...we haven't done that in 3 weeks...actually, we haven't really talked or joked like that since when we were together. I'm not sure if he wants to be my friend or what but that's not happening. I love him too much. He says he still loves and cares for me...Sigh, no matter how occupied I am, he's always there in the back of my mind. I hate this feeling.

 

 

I know. The most important thing you could do is focus on yourself. I would cut off contact with him as well. He chose to leave...so let him see what life is like without you. You keeping in contact with him, doesn't allow him to see that. It will also allow him to move forward with his life quicker. Think about it....

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The only reason why I agreed to see him was because I wanted a better closure. His reasoning wasn't clear before and was willing to explain it better this time around. I haven't spoken to him since, he did tag me on Instagram after we talked the same night but I didn't reply to him. I'm doing no contact again now. I don't even post anything on social medias just so he won't know what I'm doing.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I agree with Brokenhart's advice. xydalx, it sounds like you're keeping a great mindset about it and doing all the right things.

 

So the concert finally happened last night and I saw him there. He was lonely and he looked sad....he was with his friends but they lost him so of course I came over there and asked if he was ok and where his friends went. He was under the influence so that's why I asked. He asked if I had fun and then stood up with his arms wide open for a hug. He gave me me a long, tight hug....like he missed me or something it's pretty obvious that the feelings were still there...anyway, I was leaving and he wanted to walk out with me, he put his arm around my shoulders like he used to when we were dating and then he saw his friends and went with then. We hugged again and then went separate ways. Dammit I miss him again and I've been doing fine >___>

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You don't need to rescue him from being alone. It was his choice.

 

I know. I shouldn't have went to him but I was in a happy, friendly mood and wanted to help I'm glad I didn't kiss him on the side of his head since I was in sucha loving mood lol.

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  • 1 month later...

Anonymous,

Thank you for starting this thread, it has helped me (and A LOT of other people) very much. 7 months ago I stumbled upon it in desperation. I was a mess! My girlfriend of 3yrs and I broke up and I immediately regretted the decision, all I could think about was whether or not I had made a HUGE mistake. I loved her and still do but there were certain factors of the relationship that were becoming serious issues. I felt like they prevented us from being truly happy together. In order to get to the next level of our relationship (move in together, marriage, kids) which we both wanted, we had to overcome them. One night we got into a big fight and made the rash decision to break up. Reality set in the next day and I didn't know what to do. I found this thread and read it through. So many people have experienced the same feelings and issues I was going through, i'm glad I found it when I did. I had a decision to make, either break up for good, and wonder for the rest of my life why I let a great woman go. Or at least try to work on our problems and say honestly that we did everything we could. She meant too much to me to walk away. It's been about 7 months since we "sort of" broke up but it happened again. This time though it really feels like its over. Right now I'm looking at it more clear than the first time we broke up and recognize my emotions as normal. I've been constantly thinking about her, and miss her very much. I'm focusing on the positive times and considering getting back, even though i feel in my gut she isn't "the one". Bottom line is this...Breakups suck! But if you feel like you did everything you could to save the relationship and it doesn't work out, you can at least walk away with your chin up, learn from your mistakes, grow as a person, and know that you tried.

I'm going to have to see her again to swap stuff from each others places. We haven't been in contact yet and i'm sure she is just as torn up as I am. Is one last meeting for "closure" a good idea? In my heart of hearts I feel it's best to go our separate ways, but the fact that I'm putting her through this is tearing me up.

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I’ve just read most of the 51 pages on her and thought I’d post my story. But first, thank you all so much for sharing, you have no idea how much perspective this has given me. BEST. THREAD. EVER.

 

I’m currently with my girlfriend, but we broke up 3 months ago, and got back together 2 months ago… and now I’m not sure how things are going. Lets begin the brief story:

 

We met about 2.5 years ago. I’m 28, she is 29. We fell in love slowly, to me she was just going to be a casual fling at first, but she wanted more and showed me the type of love I hadn’t really seen before. I really started to warm up to it, and in the coming first year really fell in love with her hard…knowing in the beginning that there could likely be no future as we come from different worlds. I come from a culture/religion where im expected to marry my own kind, she knew as well our future was unlikely but we were so happy just being together, that we kept doing that.

 

The second year, she started to show interest in my culture, religion and identity, taking on a lot of the good from it, but ultimately realizing that she couldn’t ever convert to. In my head I started to think that that was the solution to our problems… her converting, and my family accepting her and then everything was going to be gravy! but somewhere deep down I knew that she wasn’t entirely what I wanted, even if she did convert! I tried hard to bury these feelings, and always blame the relationships eventual demise on the fact that she didn’t share my religion/culture… it was an easy thing to blame for both her and I.

 

Eventually 2 years came and went. We shared so many fond memories, I’ve told her secrets I’ve never told anyone. I grew in ways that I would have never if I didn’t meet her, she showed my how to be open to different types of people, from different sexual orientations, ethnicities and how to be a humble person and to slow down and enjoy the small things. But I guess that wasn’t enough. Because I broke up with her shortly after the 2 year mark. In my mind I blamed it on an unshared religion as the biggest reasons, but the other reasons were I thought she was a bit un motivated about her career, she would get overwhelmed really easily and this scared me on how she might raise a family with me, and that we approached things in very different ways.

 

Hours after I broke up with her, I started resenting all the reasons why I broke up with her. I had grown further and further from religion through critical analysis, and the breakup was a turning point… at that point I realized, I was actually agnostic and didn’t buy into my subscribed religion. And I thought, what the hell! Why did I just leave an amazing girl for a religion that I don’t even believe in. I got depressed and got sad. I started writing super emo poetry and thought the world was coming to an end. I called her the next day to reconsider and instead of breaking up, lets just call this a break and take time to reflect. She agreed to see how things went, we would talk every few days and see each other once a week for the next 2 months. After the break ended, my ultimatum was to either move in or give this a real chance… or to forever part ways. I couldn’t let her go…

 

So we moved in. That day I moved in, I didn’t feel joy… I felt anxiety… was I making the right decision? Will I break her heart again? Am I really happy?

 

Now 4 weeks have passed since we’ve been living together. And I’m comfortable. I feel happy most of the time, a lot more unmotivated though.

 

But her is the problem, I’m happy like I’m living with my best friend. Our sex life Is not great, I sometimes don’t feel like kissing her and feel like I do it because I have to. I’m attracted to her, but definitely don’t lust or desire sex as much as I thought I would.

 

Could it be that I’m not in love?

 

I’m having a hard time because time I am sacrificing a lot to be with her. My family is constantly upset with my decision, I know she wont have her career life together until another 3 to 4 years, and I’m unsure if it’ll ever be what I hope for it to be,

 

What am I doing with my life? I live in constant anxiety, stress and its taking a toll on my body. Being with her seems hard, but when I think about breaking up and being alone… it feels harder. I cant seem to pull off the band aid, when I think it could make me happier in the long run.

 

I keep fearing that I’ll never find someone that meets that criteria in my head. She doesn’t quite either, but she showed me so much love… and I’m a sucker for her love!

Edited by gvision
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Bottom line is this...Breakups suck! But if you feel like you did everything you could to save the relationship and it doesn't work out, you can at least walk away with your chin up, learn from your mistakes, grow as a person, and know that you tried.

I'm going to have to see her again to swap stuff from each others places. We haven't been in contact yet and i'm sure she is just as torn up as I am. Is one last meeting for "closure" a good idea?

 

Very true!

 

I think one final meeting for "closure" can sometimes be helpful if both people are in the same frame of mind. I believe it's important to commit to a period of time apart after that meeting though... In my own experience, there's always a tendency after the meeting to think of more things you want to discuss and feel like you can't gain closure without, but at a certain point, you have to just allow for that distance apart so you can heal.

 

Thanks for the compliments. Best wishes.

 

Could it be that I’m not in love?

 

It could be, yeah. But it could also be that your anxiety over the eventual outcome is making it difficult to live and love in the moment and therefore influencing that ultimate outcome.

 

Are you discussing these concerns and doubts with her? If not, I'd consider doing so in a productive way that will hopefully bring the two of you closer together.

 

You haven't committed to marriage or anything yet, so having some level of doubt is reasonable, particularly considering your evolving beliefs. But on the same token, being with her should not be that hard, and the fear of being without her should not be the driving force in keeping you with her.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Keep us posted!

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It could be, yeah. But it could also be that your anxiety over the eventual outcome is making it difficult to live and love in the moment and therefore influencing that ultimate outcome.

 

Are you discussing these concerns and doubts with her? If not, I'd consider doing so in a productive way that will hopefully bring the two of you closer together.

 

You haven't committed to marriage or anything yet, so having some level of doubt is reasonable, particularly considering your evolving beliefs. But on the same token, being with her should not be that hard, and the fear of being without her should not be the driving force in keeping you with her.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Keep us posted!

 

I've discussed everything with her. She is wonderful. She says things like: "its okay, i want us to work, and if it doesn't I'm just happy to have had you" - ugh! so sweet... hard to break away from that kind of love. It has brought us closer maybe, but doesn't solve the underlying issues that im going through identity issues. I keep having grass is greener, i keep thinking maybe i'll have a better life with girl, better sex with this one, more financial freedom with that one, more social/community acceptance with this other one.

 

It just seems like it goes against logic of an outsider why I am with her.

 

Some of her traits are as rare as they come, but I'm sure i can feel in love with another person too. One that i appreciate and value more. I feel like i don't hold her in the esteem she should be held because the things that make her wonderful I don't value as much as the more stereotypical things.

 

I just feel like people keep saying, "When you meet her... You'll know she is the one" - i wonder if that is true? And should it be this hard to make a relationship work?

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Some of her traits are as rare as they come, but I'm sure i can feel in love with another person too. One that i appreciate and value more.

 

That may be your answer. I'd really make an effort to try to focus on the present first and see if removing some of your anxiety about the future might make the relationship function better... but if you still feel that way, I don't know of any way to overcome it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I cant shake the feeling that this doesn't seem long term. I need to re-breakup but am so scared it might be a mistake.

 

I have anxiety and feel so bad right now. I'm planning on doing it tomorrow, so she'll have the next 2 days to somewhat console her self as she doesn't work the next two days.

 

I miss her so much already, it hurts. I hate this.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think it is stupid and immature. My boyfriend broke up with me after 2 years. Actually I had to do it because he was acting unrespectfull to me. Flirting with aan other girl. 'I am just drawn to her, i need to talk to her'. Woaaaw yeah you have a crush in this gurl, it happens. But you have à girlfriend so show some selfrespect. She is the attention player girl... Hè says that now he realises that his love for me was not anymore as it used to be. Hè just wants to be single. Stupid stupid boy! No respect for me. Hè even totally denies hè has à crush 'she is just à friend and you are crazy jealous'. Now he understands that hè never lovend me enough because hè would never put me first. Never. I was soooo stupid to. When we were together, I asked him so many times why he never putted in enough effort for me. That i felt neglected and i wanted to separate benause i was not feeling special. Hè would say what i was asking was crazy and just to irrealestic.. When i started believing this hè would start to doubt if hè loves me..

Stupid me. Hè was always just keeping me happy, doing just enough to keep me and i was thinking i was crazy for asking so much. What an lazy ass selforiented bastard! How can Someone be so inconsiderable? Hè s an 22 intelligent man (or is hè à boy?). How weird hè makes such stupid desisions.. I hate the grass is greener syndrome!

I hope hè will realise hè lost a the best women. But i know hè won t benause hè likes the attention . Hè does not see she is àn AW. Hè will keep crushing on her widouth getting her. When i said she was an AW. Hè told me 'no she is not, she is à man hater. Today she was talking about how she hated that guys tried to befriend her on Facebook after just meeting her the day before.' Yea that is not something à aw talks About. I don t really know her and the only thing she ever said to me was about à guy who was flirting in Texts with her and hoe iT annoyed her.. Why does hè not see i am wayyyy above her league? She s so shallow. Everyone that i know who knows her can t stand her attention seeking behavior, before she ever flirted with my ex.

I do not understand it.

Can anyone give me an insight on why hè can t see iT? And if hè will ever ?

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Making à relationship work is hard! You have those couples that show off like iT is that easy. But then again you also have those people who get straight a's and tell everyone they are so smart they don t have to learn when in reality they study really hard!

That s just à surface people hold so others would think they are so worthy.

 

Don t be à fool. To be happy in à relationship you actualy have to doooo put Some effort in it. At least i think so. That s why romantic stories like Romeo and juliette are About isnt it?

 

Do you think happyness just comes falling down à tree? Orbthat you have to look for iT/ follow iT? I think happyness is something you create.

 

You can t Rely on something making you happy. À partner won't do that for you. You can only make Yourself happy and you can choose to chare your happyness with someone else. And if you are really one of those lucky fella's, someone will want to be there standing next to you when you are happy.

 

Single life is great: all those girls who give you all that attention. It flatters me to, but they do NOT make my selfesteem go up. Only i can make ly selfesteem go up. I do it by asking myself what goals i have and i go doe them, i don t need to reach them. Just THE fact that i have THE truly important, not to selfinvolved goals make me think that i am worthy.

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gvision, how are you holding up? Feel free to update us if you'd like. Hope you're doing better!

 

Stupid stupid boy! No respect for me.

 

...

 

What an lazy ass selforiented bastard! How can Someone be so inconsiderable?

 

I understand you're feeling hurt and upset right now, and for good reason... but if this is how you feel about him, why do you want to be with him in the first place? Don't you deserve to be with someone who cares about you and respects you?

 

If these are your true feelings about him, seems this breakup could eventually end up being a blessing in disguise for you.

 

Best wishes.

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I haven't been able to do it yet I scared my self out of it.

 

Also in my defense I had a family vacation planned and have been out of the country for the past two weeks. I was hoping traveling abroad would give me perspective as I wouldn't see her for two whole weeks.

 

Well, I just saw her last night for the first time after the vacation, and I definitely felt less connected to her.

 

Now her 30th birthday is literally in 7 days. I was thinking of not doing anything until her 30th bday had passed....

 

I just feel like i I keep prolonging the inevitable.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hey Anonymous82. Thanks for starting and continuing this thread. What a great resource for those of us going through heartache.

 

I'm suffering from my own breakup, now a couple days in and not seeming to get any easier. We were together 3 1/2 years, and living together for the last year. I'm the one who moved out.

 

It was an insanely amicable breakup. I (27m) thought it was going to be my idea to break up, but she (27f) was already planning on it, too. So it seemed to go smoothly at first, but I was confused when I instantly regretted it. And now that I haven't stopped crying the past couple days, the picture is becoming a little clearer.

 

I thought my reasons were the same as your first breakup. I didn't know if she was "the one," wasn't sure if she was "right" for me. I harbored doubts throughout our entire relationship, and at the end it hit a breaking point when she wanted to get a dog together and I got scared of committing to starting a family with her. Just a dog, I know, but that's how it felt.

 

But the flip side of that is that I had been retreating from her. I knew there were certain problems in our relationship, mostly related to doing my fair share of chores and having an active creative life outside our relationship, but I never got up the courage to either fix them or recognize what was really happening—that I was slowly withdrawing from her, and I wasn't being present whenever we were together.

 

Basically, I overthought everything. My doubts were the result of me conjuring up reasons not to love her when I really did love her, if the heartbreak I feel now is any indication.

 

My advice to those of you thinking about breaking up for the same reason, if it's not too late: give yourself the chance to give yourself over to your partner. Don't let your thoughts override your heart. You can't truly love someone unless you're willing to love them.

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