He went back to his ex-who is twice his Age!!!

[marina]

Hi,

I just signed up today and I really need some advice. I appreciate any help anyone can give me. I was dating this guy for 2 months. We were set up on a blind date and we hit it off right away. He persued me after that first date like crazy. He took me to a family wedding, broght me to meet his mother. Insisted on meeting my parents. Surprised me at a hotel when I was at a confernce for work. He called all the time and always wanted to do stuff with me. We have very similar big italian families and we both couldn't believe how much we had in common. He kept saying we are really great together and I felt like I had really met the perfect guy. He was sweet to me and affectionate even in public and around our friends and family without being too much. He told me about his ex-girlfriend and said that they still talked some times on the phone but that it would never work out with her b/c she is in her mid 40's and he is in his late 20s and he is an old fashioned guys who wants some that is going to be around as long as he is and he wants to have a family of his own someday. But 3 weeks ago he abruptly called and ended with me and said that he just can't get over his ex. But that he thinks I am the perfect girl for him and really doesn't know why he is doing this. He says he wants to stay in touch with me. He said "no one is going anywhere" and that he just needs to play things out with her, and that he never expected to fall for me like he did. I didn't call him for 2 weeks, I was heartbrokedn especailly since he persued me. But then he called me on my birthady to say he was thinking or me and happy birthday. My feeling is that he met me and realized I am the type of person that he could marry and he freaked out because he is not ready for that. So he went back to her b/c they only see eachother twcie a week becasue she has a younge daughter... and he can have a no-comittal casual sex relationship with her and still be his bacholer self. But him telling me that he doesn't want to lose touch with me and he thinks I am the perfect person for him make me feel like he wants to keep me on the back burner b/c he knows it will never work with her and I am am the person that he wants to be with long term. I know that I shouldn't wait for him...but I can 't help but feeling that I want to keep a friendly phone relationship up with him b/c he is going to eventually break it off with her for good and I think that we are so perfect together. What should I do???? How do I keep a phone relationship up with this perosn and still move on with my life? I really can't stand the thought of never speaking to him again....sorry this is so long I'm just so frustrated!

[The Morrigan]

How long had he been with his ex prior to getting together with you?

 

It sounds to me like he's torn between a relationship he sees as not practical, and yet is deeply involved in, and you, who he sees as a person he could build a future with, but isn't as emotionally invested yet. If he's been involved with her for a long time, I doubt this is going to be a fast or easy break for him, should he decide to make it. And one thing you don't want is for him to rush straight from a relationship with her right into one with you - even though he knows you already, he's still going to be hurting from that, regardless of who ends it, and the "rebound" factor is still going to be there.

 

If you can maintain friendly contact without keeping yourself on ice expecting more, by all means, that's fine... but I wouldn't sit around waiting limiting your own choices either. That's not fair to you, you have no idea how long you could be waiting to find out if he's ready to leave the relationship he's in, or indeed, if he ever does get to that point.

 

I'd have an honest talk with him, let him know how you feel, but tell him you need to think of your own future as well. You're not doing him or yourself any favors to tell him you'll wait for him, that's leaving you both in limbo. You're not being unfair to him to tell him you really do like him and care for him, but don't want to put your life on hold while he's in another relationship. If he does decide to leave his gf, and you're still available then, you can see how you both feel at that point, but until then, you really do need to look out for yourself. If you think you can stay friendly without it holding you back from getting out and enjoying yourself, and seeing what and who else may be out there for you, then that's great, if not, be honest there as well, and tell him it's hurting you, because you can't move on as long as you still feel that emotional attachment every time you speak to him.

 

Take a step back and consider carefully what's best for you first... and after you're sure of what you want to do, do your best to stick with that. Hey, when nobody else is putting you first, you HAVE to do it for yourself, you deserve to put yourself as the top priority in this situation.

[marina]

Hi,

Thanks for the advice. To answer your question he dated her for 2 years but he told me that they really just dated...they saw eachother 2 nights a week for 2 years and that was it. She only met his family a few times when he needed a date for a wedding or something. It seems she has her own life and he had his and they went out on dates...he made it seem that she was not a real girlfriend type. I think he must have some feelings for her but like I said I think it is more about not being tied down to her. And he thinks that I would tie him down. Even though he was the one who really brought me into his life and tried to make me a part of his family and he was the one who was constantly calling me...I think he did all that b/c he thought he was ready for it and then found out he wasn't and it was just safer to go back to her. Anyway we haven't spoken in two weeks and I feel better about the situation then I did...I have started to get over it. And I think I have a date next week but I don't want to lose touch with him completely even if nothing happens agina between us we became really good friends while we were dating. So I think I am going to give him a call next week and justy say hi, and happy thanksgiving and keep it light...maybe ask him for his e-mail address see if he might want to keep in touch that way. Bcause e-mail is less personal but an easy wasy to just stay a part of someones life...and in the mean ime I'm going to try and date again and go out with friends and move on with my life.....Does this sound like a good plan?

[The Morrigan]

That sounds good indeed, you sound like you've got a good grip on what you need to do for yourself, if he comes around later, who knows, but at least you won't be watching grass grow waiting on him to make up his mind what he wants. And yeah, if friends isn't a problem for you, by all means, keep in casual touch with him, you can never have too many friends

 

Hey, have fun on your date next week

[marina]

Thanks for the advice, sometimes it just feels nice to have someone tell you, that you are not crazy. One other question. He did call me on my birthday about a week after we broke up. Then i waited another week to call him. After that last time we talked he said I will call you next week. And I asked him if he really wanted to keep in touch with me and he said yes that he woudln't say that if he didn't really mean it. But that he is trying to give me space and time to get over my hurt feelings. So do you think I wil sound desperate if I call him this week to say happy thanksgiving? Because last time we talked he said that he would call me. God I'm 23 and I sound like a 13 year old I know.