cg27 Posted February 2, 2003 Share Posted February 2, 2003 When I was in college I dated a guy from my freshman year to my senior year. Over the years the relationship got worse and worse, verbally and at times physically abusive, but we were both so used to it (as ridiculous as that sounds) that we stayed in it. We broke up at graduation 6 years ago and I have not seen him since. The break up was very hard and I did some things I am not proud of but he took on the attitude that he was moving on and it was so easy for him. I was young and immature and the fact that he hurt me made me want to hurt him back so he could feel the pain he caused me. I know I should be relieved that I am not in this relationship any more..I have gotten married but I just don't feel I have ever had closure on this relationship. I am ashamed of the things I did and how everything ended. It still hurts me that we were so close and it turned into such an ugly thing. I feel pathetic that after all these years and the fact that I am married that I cannot let go to the past. I have contemplated writing my ex a later and even discussed this with my husband because I feel he should know what I have been feeling. He thinks I should just move on but for some reason I struggle with it. I would like to write him a letter and just apologize for my past actions-I don't want to look back on life with regrets and this is something I regret. I think my ex may take it as a power thing that after 6 years he still has this influence on me..but I need to move on...help?!?! How do I get this closure? Link to comment
mermayd Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 You are on the right track! As I read your post I was planning to suggest writing a letter, then you stated that you wanted to do so. This is what you should do. it is called making ammends. If your husband dissapproves to this, you need to explain to him that this letter is for your personal closure and to help make the realtionship you have with him be better and more healthy. In this letter, juststate the apologies that you feel are in your ballpark, the mistakes that you made. When you send it off, mentally tell yourself that with the letter, you also send off your regrets and your pain. In turn you should regain closure. it will help, believe me. I have done this quite a few times. You will feel so much beter once that letter is in the mail. You will have fufilled things on your end and your plate is clean. Don't expect to get one back in return, that is not part of this process. The fact that you aplologize for your wrongs is enough. If you do get a letter in return, let it be a surprise, not an expectation. I hope this helped. Link to comment
cg27 Posted February 3, 2003 Author Share Posted February 3, 2003 I just found out he is married...should I still write this letter? Link to comment
chakka Posted February 3, 2003 Share Posted February 3, 2003 Hi. I don't have any experience like yours, so maybe mermayd's advice will be more helpful. However, it seems to me that it shouldn't matter that he's married. Maybe you should be extra careful when wording the letter, to make sure it doesn't seem like you still have feelings for him. You wouldn't want his wife to get the wrong impression. Then again, you should be careful anyway. You don't want him to get the wrong impression himself either, married or not. From what I gathered from your story, the point of the letter is to apologize and put the things you're ashamed of behind you. So, the fact that he's married shouldn't matter. You could even mention it in the letter, say that you're glad he has moved on and you wish him luck (assuming that's how you feel, I don't want to put words in your mouth). As for feeling ashamed and not being able to put things behind you - welcome to the club! I think we all have things in our past that haunt us. It is most certainly NOT pathetic. And finding some way to deal with it that makes you feel better is a good idea. I hope this helps you a little. Good luck. (And mermayd if you see this, what do you think about the fact that he's married?) Link to comment
cg27 Posted February 3, 2003 Author Share Posted February 3, 2003 Hearing that he was married brought up so many issues..why is he happy with her and never could be with me? I have some many unanswered questions and hurt...I always knew he would move on but part of me I guess assumed that it wasn't me and he would abuse who ever he ends up with..it hurts a lot still and I don't know what to do with these feelings..i know that a letter will fall on deaf ears so will i ever get the closure i need? i feel bad that i have married such a wonderful person and he just doesn't understand how my mind works..nor do i sometimes! it has been 6 years..this guy probably has no care for how he treated me so why am i putting so much time and energy into this... Link to comment
mermayd Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 Yes, this is YOUR closure and it involves nothing sexual or romantic so there should be no problem... Link to comment
chakka Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 Wow, now that you have described your feelings about his being married, I can see this is very complicated for you. So complicated, in fact, that maybe sending such a letter is not a solution in and of itself. Remember what mermayd said? For this to bring you closure, you need to write the letter just to write it, not to obsess about what he will think when he reads it or whether or not he replies. (Believe me, I know what it feels like to obsess about something. It is really hard to just stop.) I'm not saying DO or DON'T write the letter... I honestly don't know. But I do think you have lots of additional work to do. Don't beat yourself up about still thinking about this. On the contrary, applaud your self awareness for realizing that this is a problem and that you can and should solve it. I would suggest, if it's possible, that you go see a therapist or counseler. I don't know how you feel about therapists, but it seems to me, there doesn't have to be anything wrong with you for you to benifit from one. Seeing a professional can be a great way to vent your feelings about this complicated situation, and to get some objective advice from someone who has experience. It may help you work through these feelings. It's just a suggestion, and I am certainly NOT saying there is anything wrong with you. I just identify with you so much about the whole obsessing thing, and there is no reason for you to suffer like this. And by the way, just because this man is happy with someone else, it doesn't mean YOU were the problem. Think about it, you are happily married too! Why would his marriage make it your fault? By the same token, your marriage could be seen as proof that it was NOT your fault. It seems to me that either: a. This guy is not so happily married and he and his wife have a bad relationship or b. They have a great relationship because he has grown and changed since you two were together and/or c. You two were PARTICULARLY unsuited to each other, and tended to bring out the worst in each other rather than the best. (My guess would be a combination of b and c...) But please don't even worry about what exactly is going on with that guy. All that matters is you and your husband now. I hope you get some more specific advice that will help you, either here, from friends, or from a professional therapist. Good luck Link to comment
cg27 Posted February 4, 2003 Author Share Posted February 4, 2003 The funny thing is i have my master's in family therapy! yet i realize i do have many unresolved issues to deal with. i think even if it was an ex friend i would still want this closure...the relationship with my ex was very destructive and the fact that i was capable of hurting someone really bothers me...i want him to know i forgive him and i don't want to regret never making that clear...i know it is very complicated...he may not even know who i am and may not even be receptive to what i have to say..let's face it..many years have past but sometimes it takes time to realize one's mistakes..and to see the clarity...i don't know if writing a letter will give me that "closure" but it may give me the peace of mind that i made ammends for me... Link to comment
chakka Posted February 4, 2003 Share Posted February 4, 2003 ya, that sounds like it makes sense. And maybe the fact that you have an education in this field will help you deal with your issues alot better than the average person. In any case. I'd be happy if you let us know how it goes... Link to comment
cg27 Posted February 4, 2003 Author Share Posted February 4, 2003 I will definitely let you know...unfortunately having the education does not prevent you from pain...i may know what a textbook would tell me to do but that it not always the easiest...I am actually meeting with the pastor who married me to perhaps gain more insight and guidance...thank you for listening...it is healing to hear that others have had similar experiences Link to comment
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