Please forum! Give me honest advice about ex's letter!

[Dannyjo]

Dear Forum letter I received today has sent my brain into overtime. I have read it over and over and everytime I think my ex is trying to say something different or is it that I am wanting to see more.

Background INFO: We dated for almost 3 years and I will admit I was not the most open or romantic man that I should have been.

I had my demons and yes I did make mistakes, and I have paid for it.

She broke up with me and I knew it was coming, I did not think it would be as hard as it has been. I denied my feelings and kept busy in my new life. I even met a new woman and she made me feel great. I kept busy with this new woman spending every waking minute that we could together. I refused to think about what I had lost. I My ex than began to call me just to chat and I had no problems talking to her. She even brought the subject up of my new woman and I told her that I was in love.

I felt like a snake but I did it to deny my ex from knowing the deep down grief I suppressed. She stopped calling and life went on.

This new woman treated me good and yes I grew to care for her. I thought I am so lucky to find a great person, but deep down there were still regrets and demons that I had not dealt with. I was afraid of being alone and I knew as long as I had someone else to "love", that it woulp help me not focus on my ex.

Months flew by and yet not a word from her so one day i decided to call her just to see if I could detect any love left. She was nice but there was a haste in her voice. We spoke a couple more times than I surprised her one day as she was leaving her office. I made up an excuse to stop by to give her back a couple books of hers that I had. When I saw her it was a very intense feeling. I felt love, attraction, pain and uncertainty. I wanted to think she still felt something and I wish I knew.

A couple weeks ago I ran into her this time by surprise in a library. This is where we shared the "look", that I posted about before. Every lover knows what I mean by this look, I could tell she was still the same and her emotions still ran deep for me. I am not being egotistical, I could really see a ray of hope for me in her eyes. I thought she may sart to call me again but no there was nothing, no messages, no emails for like days.

Now weeks later I receive a letter from her, sharing with me some pictures she had found of us. She went into detail about how she had no regerets about us and was glad we could still be friends. She mentioned a lot of different things but I could not tell if she was writing this to seek peace or to initiate something else. The letter also stated how she was not angry at me and held no bad feelings. And that if I ever meet her on the street when I am with my new love for me to not feel sorry or bad b/c I could not speak that she would understand and she wanted me to understand the same, like if I would see her with a new man I should not feel bad if she can not speak. Up until I read this part I thought she may have had other intentions!

She ended the letter asking me how I was and about my family, and for me to take care. She signed it as "Your Friend Forever", what am I to think?

I have deeper feelings and hopes than just friends! In a way I think she wanted to say something else but would not for reasons that have to do with protecting her feelings. I wander if she was just writing to see if she would get a response or was she just being friendly? She knows about my current relationship and i feel lke she hides her feelings for me b/c I am with this woman and I freaking stupidly had told her that I loved this woman! I was such a dam idiot to ever say that.

I do not know waht to do. Do I respond only to answer her questions and wish her well? Do I be honest with her and my heart and tell her how I really feel? I am not even sure that I can tell her now.

I have made my self a fool for love before a long time ago with a woman I thought loved me. She left me for another man and it ripped my guts out, I chased after her thinking my love would save the day. This is the reasons why I did not fight to keep her, I had learned my lesson about chasing women and opening my heart.

I am not perfect and I may be an asshole to most of you for not being honest but I am a man that has had his heart wounded and pride lost for the love a reckless woman.

I think about my ex all the time. Sometimes I even catch myself wishing that my new woman was my ex. My ex "Dawn" was attractive, sexy, smart, cool, and we had the most incredible exhausting chemistry.

What do I do? Do I follow my heart and risk my pride?

Or should I just disregard all contact and move on? I can move on but what I fear is that I will always have this haunting memory of her face with me always. I know this feeling will fade but should I let it. I know I will end up hurting my new woman and I hate myself for it. I am so scared of not following my heart and living with regret. ON the other hand I am going to face the risk of loosing both of them! Just please take a moment to share with me your HONEST ADVICE. What did you think about ex's letter?What move must I take? Do I stay with comfort or folllow my heart?

Please help I know it does not make much sense but I can not fight or hide these feelings in my heart!

[melrich]

I think there is a tendency when you still have strong feelings for someone to read into that persons actions meanings that aren't really there. In truth it is impossible from what you have described for an impartial observer to guess at what her motives were in writing the letter, it could be as you thought , she wanted to see what response u made. It could equally be it was just part of her closure process. Regardless, I think if you are feeling the way you are you should raise it with her as you may otherwise regret you didn't forever and that will suely poison your current relationship anyway.

But before opening that door I think you should seriously examine your feelings, are they as intense because your ex is "off limits" to you? Think back to when you were together, was the relationship so much better than your current relationship? Whatever you do, you must commit one way or the other, don't sit on the fence as I have done to my detriment, you will only damage both relationships as a result.

[Gilgamesh]

Your post is a perfect example of why:

 

1) You should never get involved with someone on the rebound.

 

2) Should always heal 100% before moving onto a new relationship.

 

3) Never use people to paciify your pain from a breakup.

 

 

 

(1) If you get involved with someone that never had the chance to let go of his/her ex you get what happened here, a partner that secretly is waiting for an opening to return to their Ex's, they may act like they love you, they may say they are over their Ex's but did they really? how much time passed before they met you? were they the one that dumped the other or did they get dumped? these are warning signs, id say a safe bet is at least 6-8 months. before a person has really let go of the past. that can vary greatly depending on how much contact they kept after their breakup.

 

(2) You should always allow yourself time to feel the pain of healing, with a broken heart you cannot really love anyone, what they hunger for is to feel like someone loves them, and like a leech they take, but cannot give. they use this person so they can cope with their pain and fill a hole that their past lovers have left inside them. and because they were not allowed time to heal, their hearts are damaged and cannot love, for they think the cure lies in the past with the illusion they once shared with someone else.

 

(3) Using people to satisfy your ego, is wrong, you fool them into thinking you love them, so you can feel loved, all the time waiting and hoping for that ex to give you the "sign". eventually you will hurt this person like your Ex hurt you, your Ex subconsciously will know what you did. you have put yourself in your own trap. yes you may get back with your Ex, its possible, will it be the same? nope, because, you didnt allow youself to heal, trust issues will creap in, because of how you hurt others, you will feel guilty, and because you hurt other, your Ex will see your selfish nature.

 

what is the course of action after a break up? simple. dont make contact with the ex, dont jump into a new relationship too soon, and allow yourself time to heal. this way if the time comes, you can love someone again, even your Ex if she/he should return and you want them back. and no one gets hurt.

[Heartshock]

Hello Dannyjo

 

This is a very honest and insightful posting, and I can't help feeling that in it you have answered many of your own questions. However ,let me give my own two-pence worth.

 

Rule One in the real world

Escape pain as soon as possible. Use any medication necessary. Mask all symptoms .

Great advice when you've broken your leg, freakin' disastrous when you are haemorrhaging heartbreak.

 

I have been in your situation . The choices you and I have made, make logical sense in the real world, but they are mistakes here. I have believed if I shut my eyes and pretended real hard, all heartbreak would vanish And I would be in-love with my new BF. Hah. Yes you do feel great as you suppress those pesky painful emotions but they are like rubber balls and as soon as you take your foot off them, they emerge stronger and more painful than ever. And the sheer energy of trying mask them, leaves you with little energy to commence grieving.

 

I'm sure you did not mean to use your second girlfriend, and your post conveys a lot of affection for her, but this new relationship has severely hindered the grieving process. Sadly there is no "Get Out of Jail Free Card" This woman cannot help you and you cannot help her. In fact as you watch her in this relationship receiving far less than she deserves it will only underline your own misery.

 

Seems to me you have a lot of tough challenges ahead.

 

The pain of releasing 2nd girlfriend who you have come to care about, and witnessing her heartbreak, and also losing the companionship and physical companionship of some-one who has been instrumental in blocking a portion of your pain. – How scary is that. How willing are you to put down the chief weapon in your protection barrier, for the sake of a better emotionally healthier future. How willing are you face incredible loneliness right now. Because tough as Gilamesh was, his point No. 2

is an accurate prognosis of how you will remain until you face this.

 

And then we come to the biggest challenge of all. Why does life do this? Those things we fear, those thing we most seek to avoid are just the challenges that are hurled in our path. I can fully understand how your girlfriend of a long time ago, taught you a very bitter lesson. "Show your feelings. Open yourself up and prepare to have your heart surgically removed."

 

Well, Dannyjo, you haven't opened yourself up, you've gone to ridiculous lengths to protect yourself… and guess what. Your heart is being surgically removed.

 

Precisely what is it you feel you are gaining by going along with this lie and sending the message back to your previous girlfriend that everything is hunky dory. I don't mean to be tough on you, Sweetie, but it must be abundantly clear to you, me and the Sugar plum fairy that the route you've been heading down isn't working.

 

So are you willing to face the toughest challenge, of your life. Are you willing, with the pain of distant rejections fresh in your memory, to tell your ex-girlfriend what you have told us here. This post is honest, brave and full of self knowledge. You seemed to have put the last few months to good use finally. I think you both need to hear it aloud. I've no doubt she will probably be very angry, you have caused untold pain in your unfortunate, yet understandable bid to protect yourself.

 

From her recent message, this is a hell of a classy lady. She has shown an incredible amount of dignity. Can you match it?

Reward that dignity with honesty, without agenda – it is clear to me that she deserves it. And you deserve to release yourself

From unending remorse.

 

In allowing her to heal, I can guarantee that you will begin to heal yourself.

I don't know what the future is for you whether you will get back with her or continue along path of healing.

But, as I say in most of my posts, there will be happy outcome.

 

a) You will manage to win her back with bravery and self-understanding

b) You will face the rocky road of loss without the aid of fake – morphine, but with an understanding of the mistakes made here and commitment not to make them again. Eventually you will get yourself back again, with an abundance of worthy improvements and will enjoy a far healthier and joyful relationship than you have ever had before.

 

 

Take care, sweetie and I wish you all the luck and strength in the world

 

Heartshock