Just musings about ex....

[Maverick44]

My ex is not a young girl in school anymore. She and I are both 27. We're both adults but she is so attached to her family (Traditional Asian). As a refersher, we broke up after 9 months because her mother did not like latino men. We were both very much in love but of course with that in the background the last 3 months of our relationship, it was becoming troublesome, especially for her.

 

Of course I miss her. It's been 6 weeks since we talked last. I do believe that she did love me. I do want to contact her but like I said in another post, I just don't know what good it would do. It would hurt her. It would hurt me.

 

I don't think it's that I have to forgive myself for anything I've done. I just miss her alot.

 

What I really hate is that I still think about it. When I think about it, I get angry and hurt again. It distracts my concentration!

 

So how slow is this process? I mean, with no contact should it not go alot faster? Why do I go through these up and down swings?? I just want to move on, know that I did love her, and move on.

 

I can see myself dating other women but am not looking for a serious relationship. Honestly, I just don't want to get distracted again. I have alot of things to get done in the future and these relationships, when they end, really distract me! I don't mind dating. I mind commitment not because marriage isn't good or nice. It's that I have the desire to complete the goals I have set for myself without having to deal with these distractions.

 

Some people might think it's being a player because I no longer want to seriously try again. I'll date but I won't commit. Are these crazy thoughts?

 

Replies are appreciated....

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

 

No your thoughts aren't crazy, they are healthy. And yes it's going to be hard, going through days when you are happy to days when you are sad. Healing is a process that one has to go through when they lose someone in their lives. Whether to break ups, death, etc etc... It is a process. It can get frustrating, believe me I know where you are in that, but no matter what you have to try to have patience.

 

There is not set pace that the process will go. Sometimes not having contact does help as you don't have to see her and remember what you don't have. This may help speed the process, but there is really no way to tell as each person is different.

 

I suggest you have patience and dedicate some time to yourself. As far as dating goes, what's the problem with dating and not committing? Just because you meet a girl you like doesn't mean you have to jump into a committed relationship and it doesn't mean that you are committment phobic either. You're healing, and it's healthy for you to heal before you attempt another committed relationship.

 

Best wishes.

[Gilgamesh]

Hello Maverick

 

Your going through a hard time now, maybe harder for the fact that you two separated not because one stopped loving the other, but because of circumstances beyond your control. this make it even more difficult, because you both love each other.

 

Its sad that her family cannot see past race and place their concern on their daughters happiness.

 

people are people no matter what their nationality or skin color, they can be good or bad just like anyone else.

 

This distraction your feeling is really the pain of the breakup, and you need to confront them and not tuck them away. it will take time, and yes it is very very distracting, in my case, I was in love with a Latina for 4 years, we were going to get married and everything, anyway, after the breakup, I couldnt work, just couldnt concentrate on anything. slowly I got out of that rut. it takes time.

 

But dont repress those feelings, or you may never really be over this.

 

Give it all the time it needs, then youll be able to love again, and get on with your life without "distractions" you will also want and be able to have a deep and loving relationship with another woman again.

[mahlina]

I once brought home a Latino man, and my mother refused to meet him, b/c of who he is as a person!

 

I think she intuitively knew that he was not a nice guy.

 

In that aspect, I know what you're ex is going through. It was really tough for me to convince my mother that he was a nice guy. Well, it turns out, she was right. He wasn't!

 

Anyway, what I can tell you is that after the break up, of course, you will feel distraction. It's tough for me to even concentrate! I'm especially distracted, taking all of these hard science classes isn't really convincing me that I can truly let go of the past and move on!

 

The only thing that makes my day is to think about how the relationship really brought about a new kind of life for me. It's really made my experience more colorful. I fell in love with him and his culture.

 

So, I realize that this pain is temporary. My advice to hang out with friends. Do things that make you happy. Focus on your life.

 

In other words, try to be a little positive. To me, this was a learning experience. Do I miss him? Yes, but I don't like him as a person.

 

Realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel. This pain is temporary! 20 yrs. from now, I probably won't even remember his name. 20 yrs. from now, all this pain will be nothing. Catch my drift?

 

I think that you are genuinely sincere about her. I think that it was her mama's loss! Her mother shouldn't have taken complete control of her life. Once she realizes this, that's when she'll take the bigger step and disregard what her mother thinks!

 

After all, that's one thing about coming from a tradtional family. You don't have to be traditional. Asian Americans have the choice to either keep that tradition, or become more Americanized, and do what pleases them.

 

Personally, I think that if she truly loves you, then her mother should not be an issue. I think that she has not let go of the fact that her mother cannot control her life, despite her age!

 

Some Asian mothers, traditional ones, are especially suffocating. They watch every move that their children make, even as they finish their education and have established a career.

 

The only thing that you could do right now is to go about finishing your goals in life. Once the both of your lives settle in, there could still be potential. It sounds like timing is also restrictive, so, even if her mother approved, having a relationship while trying to start up a career sounds pretty tough.

 

When the times right, everything will fall in place! Maybe you'll reunite, or maybe you'll find someone similar to her, but even better!

 

What your feeling right now is natural. Only time will take away the pain. Maybe you should take a kick boxing class or something. Do something physical so that you could take your anger out on it.

 

Best of luck on moving on...

[mahlina]

Oh, and one more thing, if you really want to know what my example of what a suffocating mother is, check out Auntie Lyndo on the "Joy Luck Club", she's a golden example of a tradtional and extremely overwhelming mother!

 

However, in the end, she does change, and becomes open-minded. (There's still hope for the 2 of you)....Just wanted to add this to the previous post!

[vfunkera]

Maverick44,

 

after losing someone, you will feel empty, and u will start to remember all the good things that u had in ur relationship. this will hurt because u know that they will probably never happen with this person again. i don't want to repeat everything said above because that will be a waste of ur time. there are alot of good articles here about break ups and the stages that u will go through. read those because they really helped me. the only other advice i can give u from my own experience is to stop contact because it will heal u, and help u forget about her and her existence.

 

What I really hate is that I still think about it. When I think about it, I get angry and hurt again. It distracts my concentration!

 

this is where u really need to keep urself busy. go do ur own hobbies, things that will take ur mind off her. make a plan to improve urself even more then the person u already are. when the memories do crawl back into ur mind is when u need to cut it on the spot. they are not feelings that u have to let out, they are memories, and they will only hurt u more.

 

u say that u are grown ups now and that it really was love. make sure u did everything u could so that when u look back at this time, u won't say 'if only'. make sure everything that could have been done was done to make such a romance work.

 

If it was meant to be, and it really was love, then it will find a way for both of u. until then u must move on. just know that u will get through it as time goes on, and that there are hundreds of people around the world going through what u are going through.

 

good luck