Boyfriend with Baggage

[confused33]

I am a little confused. I have been dating this guy for the past month. About 2 weeks ago he told me that he was falling for my pretty hard. But he has some past baggage, he was engaged and I believe that the women he was engaged to cheated on him. He has been heart broken for the past 2 years and I am his first real relationship since then. Well last night we were talking about ourselves. He brought up the topic that he doesnt want me to fall in love with him. That he doesnt want the relationship to lead to marriage and all of this other stuff because he is not marriage material, he said he is too secretive and just believes that nothing would work in the long run. I asked him why he was engaged then and he said because he was a different person. I am afraid that he is still greiving is there anything I can do. Should I just have fun with him right now. Because why work on a relationship if the other person doesnt want you to fall in love with them and he doesnt want to get anything in the long run out of the relationship. Any adive? I was thinking counseling.

[JustaFool]

Sounds to me like he is still trying to come to terms with his last relationship. He may not want anyone to care about him or love him because he may be afraid that he will get his heart ripped out again. I am in the same situation right now. On a positive note, what you can do, is be there for him, listen to him, give him unbiased advice. If he has feelings for you, he can't stop it...it will happen. But first, it sounds like he has to get rid of the demons in his head(and heart) concerning his last relationship.

 

Hope this helps

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

 

I understand that you are dating a guy who has some "baggage" that you are unsure how to deal with. I also understand that he told you not to fall in love with him.

 

First of all, love is something that doesn't take too kindly to instructions. I know this from experience because whenever I instruct my life to live without a romantic love, it hits me square in the face. Him telling you not to fall in love with him is a rather absurd request, it's not something you can consciously control.

 

Secondly, my advice to you is to handle this one with care. Everyone has emotional baggage, whether they admit to it or not, but some may not be as good at dealing with it as others. I don't think you should give up on the idea of a long term relationship with him, but I do suggest just taking things slow. Enjoy your time with him, have fun, see where it leads. You can't force him to move forward in your relationship and he will not always be able to deny himself true love.

 

This guy was almost to the point of marriage with someone, and it is understandable that he does not feel ready for such a committment again. Another thing I would suggest is to help him to understand that there is no rush. You just started dating, there's no reason to worry about whether or not to get married. Unless you have been pushing for it, I don't see why he should have such ideas of not being marriage material. But I do suggest talking to him and expressing exactly what you are looking for right now, not years down the road.

 

I hope this helped. Best wishes!

[frenchie]

OK I am a firm believer in listening to what people are telling you

1 This man has asked you not to fall in love with him

2 This man has told you that he dosent want this relationship to lead to marriage

3 This man has told you that he dosent see himself as marriage material

He may well be greiving for his previous relationships or he may just be trying to be very honest with you

If you think that you are the person that can heal him or make him better you are taking on one hell of a challenge, people can only be helped if they want to be and they also need to be able to take responsibility and accept their faults in previous relationships, I am not convinced that he is ready to do either also you need to remember that there are two sides to every story and you have only heard his. If you are prepared to give this a shot you need to be aware that there is a real risk that things will not turn out the way you seem to be hoping they will, suggest that you have a break and both think long and hard about your future together, or consider breaking it off and finding yourself someone less complicated!

Good Luck

[Scotty]

I'm with Frenchie on this one. I'm not surprised you are confused!! You have known this guy a month he has told you he is falling for you 'pretty hard' but is also telling you he doesn't want you to fall in love with him, he doesn't want marriage. He is giving you mixed messages!!! My advise would be to listen to exactly what he is telling you. You say that you 'think' his engagement was broken off because his fiance cheated on him. Personaly I think it's because he can't handle a commited relationship and he knows it and that is exactly what he is telling you. Don't assume he is the wounded party just because he seems hurt and confused. He is telling you he is secretive! He is telling you!!!!!! Listen.

Healthy relationships do not start off with someone telling you they don't want you to fall in love with them. It sounds to me like he's telling you now so when he hurts you he doesn't have to take any responsibility for it.

My advise would be to back right off. This guy sounds like he's got some serious issues. As Frenchie says go and find someone who is less complicated and aproches relationships in a healthy manner.