What to do about doubts!

[stephie26]

I could really use some advise... I am currently engaged and been with my fiance for about 1.5 years. We live together and overall have a pretty good relationship.. We argue like most couples, but there is no cheating, no abuse, no major problems.. sure we have communication issues at times and there are things about him I dislike alot but no major road blocks.

 

The problem is, after about 6 months together I really saw a side of him that was different... I see how he reacts when he is angry, sad, etc. and he is just a very harsh person... It's very hard to describe, but he will say off color remarks, racist comments, sick sense of humor, he is very insensitive, can be loud and domineering.. Put it this way, he acts like a different person when he is in front of my parents that its like I am dating a different person (the person that I met).

I know everyone changes a bit (act a certain way at home as opposed to work, etc.) but he is DRASTIC...... The true person he is, is very rude, controlling, beligerant, loud, tacky, harsh.... I can't even really describe.

I would never say he treats me badly.. he does say sweet things to me, calls me beautiful, etc.

 

I just feel that now we have known eachother awhile, I'm trying to understand if my cautiousness of his temperment... can I really see myself marrying someone like this?

I was with my first boyfriend for 5 years and he was the most calm, gentle, sweet man I've ever known... he may have been "too" soft for me, but I'm definitely getting some karma here by my fiance being TOTAL opposite end of the spectrum.

 

My question is, how do you really know when your doubts are strong enough that you need to leave & move on to find someone more compatible?

I love my fiance dearly, and we have a very strong emotional connection, great chemistry/attraction... we do laugh alot and joke around and generally get along quite well..

My concerns are about his temperment and just overall compatibility... I'm 26 thin, athletic, like being active, love the beach/ocean, kind of a girlie girl on the outside, always look put-together, I have a very classy look, girl next door classic beauty like a Catherine Zeta Jones or Shania Twain (I am told I look like her) and I work in the Financial/Banking industry.... My fiance is 32 big build 260lbs, bald, rugged looking, in a car manuf. factory, works on cars, dresses grubby, alot of his friends are "low life" trailor park trash kind of people....

 

What attracted me to him in the first place was all an act as I can see now... He used to always dress nice, was kind and sweet, we always went to nice restaurants, etc. Once that slowed down that was ok with me, I am not a high maintenance type.. so staying in watching movies was fine.. I don't really care how he LOOKS... but it's how he ACTS... this attitude and temperment he has is ugly... I just don't find it attractive or professional... Don't ge me wrong, I am NOT a prude or stuck up... I love to act goofy and have fun, but I just have a thing with CLASS... I hate low-life acting people... I just a firm believer in what you present to the world is how you are treated..

 

I don't know what to do with a person that I completely LOVE (love is blind they say) because I'm tired of people asking me what I see in him, or why I am with him when I could do so much better...

I love him dearly, but I can't change him..... He is who he is... and I think it's just very unfortunate he presented himself in a way he couldn't maintain..

 

I don't know if it's enough for us to break up eventually... but I have too many doubts with him and have not even picked up a bridal magazine ONCE to plan a wedding........

 

When do I know to move on or not??? It's almost coming up 2 years... I'm not getting any younger...but I love him too much to just leave cold turkey...

 

What would you suggest?

:sad:

[Tethys]

You are only 26, so don't worry about 'not getting any younger' just yet. I do have concerns about what you said concerning that you don't feel he is the same person you thought he was in the beginning. People get cold feet, sure, but it sounds as though you have a lot of issues with his attitudes and behaviors that are incompatible with yours.

 

He is "harsh," "off-color" in his jokes, and "racist"? Are you sure you are compatible?

[stephie26]

Well the problem for me is when I think about him as a husband or father, I can't see it... Alot of his friends (even) even comment they can't see him as a dad...

He swears like a sailor, even if it's just in the supermarket.. can go "off" and yell and scream in a second when he's frustrated.. He's a bit of a hot head and just have an overall aggressive kind of personality (not in a physical way though).

 

When he is calm and mature he is great... he can be very sweet... But I would say about 70% of his personality is this rude ignorant person... His mom makes comments all the time about the things he says and he needs to grow up or watch what he says..

[Tethys]

Then I suppose it is up to you -- are you okay with this behavior? Because if you get married, you will have to up with it for a long, long time! And, yes, you will have to think about your kids and the type of role model he will be.

[m12988]

He sounds very immature and obviously can't control his actions. At 32 a man should know how the proper way to act when in public or anywhere for that matter. Plus, when you do have kids, kids take a lot of energy and can really make you mad sometimes. What do you think he'll do to your kids when they act loud and obnoxious (something kids do a lot)? How will his anger be if your newborn has a stomachache and wails all night long? How does he treat you when you make a mistake? If you haven't picked up a bridal magazine because you are worried about a longer relationship with him, i'd either postpone the wedding and maybe get some anger management going here, or leave him and find someone with the mind of a mature 30 year old male. There are a lot of them out there who would love to have a successful woman like you.

[oh my god... ho]

Hmmmm... I am in a similar situation. The way I always think of it is that I am much like yourself, a "city girl" so to speak and I'm with a "country boy". There are things that I love about his personality so much, but there are a lot of things that just annoy me.

 

For one, he doesn't speak proper English, says stuff like "the other day I seen " instead of "I saw". He works at a car dealership in the parts department. Most of his friends are other blue collar workers, a lot of which don't really have any goals or aspirations in life. They just go to work so they can come home and pop open a beer and sit in front of the tv all night long. I mean, that's all fine and dandy if that's your thing, but I want to be part of a social network that is more classy. My idea of a fun night is having people over for fondue & martinis... whereas I'm sure by bf would be content staying home just the two of us watching a movie while I rub his back or his feet... ugghh.

 

But on top of it, he also has a very bad temper, and says really mean things to me when he is angry. He always says sorry, but that's after the damage has already been done. Anyway, all I can say is that I feel your pain. I don't know how it's possible to love someone who is so wrong for you in so many ways... maybe that is not love, maybe just codependence?

[oh my god... ho]

Also, I am curious... when he proposed to you, why did you say yes?

[juicey]

Hi Stephie,

 

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I was in a similar situation with my ex-fiance. Granted, his appearance was more classy, but underneath he had the same ugly disposition and views as your fiance has.

 

I took a week off from him to see what I wanted. I still talked to him every day, but being out of his presense for a week enable me to see clearly that he wasn't the one for me. To this day, I am very thankful I called off the engagement and wedding. Like you, I didn't pick up any magazines or do any planning because something was nagging at my gut.

 

Looking back, I can't imagine being married to him or even can't believe I dated him!

[MissIndigo]

He swears like a sailor, even if it's just in the supermarket.. can go "off" and yell and scream in a second when he's frustrated.. He's a bit of a hot head and just have an overall aggressive kind of personality (not in a physical way though).

 

Reading this really scares me. I have a family member who will do just that--and what triggered him to behave that way was deep-rooted in life experiences he had had as a child and a young man. He didn't begin to get help until years later, and even now, sometimes sharing the same breathing space with him for me is very tense.

 

More often that not, behavior like this is more than just "hot-head"...tread carefully before it would turn into verbal abuse towards you or your future family, should you marry this man. My relative never struck me, or any other family member, but he still made the environment in the home toxic.

 

Take care of yourself. You deserve better treatment and a better environment.

[Girl79]

Wow he sounds so much like my ex boyfriend. In the beginning he was a different person, and as I grew to know him, I learned more of his negative attitude, his ability to fly off the handle at anything that pissed him off, not to mention he swore alot and was rude to his Mom. I was with him for almost 8 years, and it came down to asking myself if I could see myself with this person for the rest of my life. And the answer was honestly no, so I had to leave. It sucked. We had a house together and our lives were so together, and I LOVED him with all my heart. But sometimes love is just not enough.

I have a new guy now who I have been with for 11 months. He is awesome and let me telll you it is such a refreshing change to be with someone who doesnt lose his temper at the drop of a hat, and respects my opinions and what I have to say.

It was the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do, but I am so glad that I broke it off with my ex. I still love him and I think I always will, but to spend my life with someone like that would kill me. Life's too short. And you may or may not choose to leave, but if you do, you'll find someone out there more suited to you.

Oh and I agree with Miss Indigo, my situation with my ex got worse as the years went on, and it did lead to verbal abuse both with me AND even my family at times.

[arwen]

I think your doubts are based on quite serious issues. It seems to me that you have quite different views and ambitions in life. This doesn't need to be problematic- as long as it does not affect your connection overall. I think the racist thing- if he is serious in that- would bother me the most. Have ever asked him what he means if he gets that way?

 

I think that if you keep on feeling this doubt, I'd consider breaking off the engagement/the relationship. It's a very hard decision, but given that nothing would change (suppose it wouldn't), would you still be happy with him in 10 years? Do you feel he has views on life/society that would lead to serious conflict when you are raising a family?

 

Arwen

[PixelPusher]

Yes, I agree. Why would you want to be with someone who... as you put it... is rude and offensive 70% of the time. Will you be willing to deal with that 70% the rest of your life? And I'm not sure if you've talked about kids yet... but kids model after their parents. Do you want your children to be exposed to his anger, temper tantrums, immaturity, and over all "lack of class" as you put it.

 

Opposites DO attract but they at least have to have similar aspirations and can accommodate each other's individual passions. Unless you are willing to go drink beer with the blue-collar boys and/or he is willing to eat fondue and drink martinis while looking at modern art... I don't see this relationship going in a healthy place.

 

I'm sorry... that's probably not what you want to hear. There is "cold feet" and then there is your gut instinct KNOWING when something is wrong. Look deep and figure out what this is before you get a ring on your finger. You need to have a conversation with this guy...

[RayKay]

Well the problem for me is when I think about him as a husband or father, I can't see it... Alot of his friends (even) even comment they can't see him as a dad...

He swears like a sailor, even if it's just in the supermarket.. can go "off" and yell and scream in a second when he's frustrated.. He's a bit of a hot head and just have an overall aggressive kind of personality (not in a physical way though).

 

When he is calm and mature he is great... he can be very sweet... But I would say about 70% of his personality is this rude ignorant person... His mom makes comments all the time about the things he says and he needs to grow up or watch what he says..

 

Yeah, sorry.....but I would definitely not marry someone I cannot even picture as a husband or a father...and whom is rude 70% of the time?

 

Why would you want to spend your life with someone whom you have to tiptoe around lest they go "off" and act like a misbehaved child?

 

I don't know...I sit here and think of what I want in a life partner and "tempermental, rude, not good partner/husband material, would not be a good father" don't fit in there ANYWHERE.

 

Heck, while my long term partner and I have our own issues, I can't even say there are things that I "dislike alot" about him and I cannot imagine settling for something where there are things I "dislike alot". Having little conflicts time to time and differences in personality are one thing, but having a things you "dislike alot" is for me a deal breaker.

 

Don't stay with someone just because they are a "habit" and don't marry someone just because you have been engaged for a couple years so you "should".

 

 

I think you may have posted about this before a few months ago under perhaps a different user name. If not, ignore that statement but still take the following to heart. And if so, I will say as I told you then....I see red flags all over this. Ask yourself, what has changed in the last few months that would make marrying him (or staying with him for that matter) any better of an idea than it was a few months ago (a.k.a. is it really worth staying even LONGER to find out what you already know?).

[RayKay]

I read this part again.

 

Why would you stay with someone whom is racist and insensitive? And all those other things.....seriously, that kind of behaviour DISGUSTS me and there is no way I would want to even be involved with that. That is so contrary to who I am as a person, why would I surround myself with that?

 

Do you really think that one day YOU won't be the target of his insensitivity? He may be sweet now...but I guarantee one day you will be the one he is rude, belligerent and controlling towards. One of the biggest indicators of how someone will treat you in time is in how they treat others.....

 

Don't stay with someone based on what you saw in the HONEYMOON stage (the first 6 months) when they have proven they are not what their first impressions showed at all.