Approaching Six Months and Still Getting It Together

[girlyantics]

Hi Everyone.

 

I stayed away from ENA for while feeling that it was bringing me down facing my breakup again and again when I signed on. Well I've been out there living and I had given myself a time line to grieve. I told myself that by the end of 2007 I was done and starting new. I did great I think. Sometime around Christmas I broke down a little but I think it was more for myself and feeling lonely than missing a person I feel I hardly remember anymore.

 

Time has been my best ally and though its slow, it is very soothing. Each day gets better. But now people seem to expect me to date again and with guys approaching me, I feel completely thrown. It upsets me to have a guy express wanting to date because it makes me think of my old relationship. The main thing is that I'm horribly scarred and insecure still. All of the horrible things he made me feel about myself I can't forget. I feel devalued, demeaned. I was disposable to him and I haven't quite gotten over that. I remember before my relationship, I carried myself with such a strong air of self confidence (the reason he was attracted to me I believe). I walked into a room and knew, I just knew people noticed (I didn't have an overinflated ego). I just can't seem to get over that hurt. It still bothers me to think that if I wasn't who he wanted he never should have dated me and spared me dating such an * * * * * * * . (SEE still ANGRY) It doesn't hurt as much. I haven't really cried about him since well October. But it still burns, what he did, how he made me feel, the awful things he said, still linger in the memories of that relationship.

 

I want to forget. I felt that I had forgiven. Part of me wonders whether I've truly forgiven if I'm still angry. What does being angry even mean?

[AnxiousGirl]

I'm going through the same thing. I think being angry is just part of the healing process. There's supposedly an anger stage. I don't know what "stage" I'm in exactly because my feelings are still all over the place.

 

I think you have to try to let go of all these negative thoughts and feelings. Accept them. There's nothing you can do to change what happened. It's not easy but think positively, and know that the things your ex said aren't true. He may not appreciate you, but someone else will!

 

Why don't you try writing a letter to your ex WITHOUT sending it to him? Get angry, curse him out, say everything you ever wanted to say BUT PUT IT ON PAPER. Then when you're done, rip it up, and toss it in the garbage. It helps a lot!

[HajiMaji]

Hey, keep going. Theres nothing that can stop you. I appreciate this site. Sometimes we come on here and make posts about our emotions, and sometimes people read what we type and express their opinions on how to get better. The thing is, this process is so complicated, sometimes no matter how hard we try or how truly self aware we are, we cannot pin point our feelings or ways to get past them. This is why time is such a great thing. Regardless of anything, time will pass and you will heal. Its working now. Although it is slow, it works. I am proud of you for sticking through everything, leaving this site when you were feeling down, and still now trying to feel better. Its this attention to moving forward that speeds up the process.

 

In terms of anger, I think its all natural. The only thing that cures anger is accepting what happened. In my experience, accepting anger isnt something you can try to do. Its something that just happens over time. No matter how many specific things we discover that root your anger, we will never be able to logically correlate them together in one perfect puzzle so that you will be able to understand everything and forgive. We arent that smart. So just keep doing what youre doing. Keep trying to understand your self and your feelings, but also have faith in time. I promise that it will help you feel completely past this at some point.

[1HelluvaGirl]

Hi Everyone.

I want to forget. I felt that I had forgiven. Part of me wonders whether I've truly forgiven if I'm still angry. What does being angry even mean?

 

A reasonable amount of anger (not the crazy, stalker, violent kind) is GOOD. Anger stops you from feeling like a victim and makes you feel empowered. Anger is totally natural and is definitely part of the healing process. Don't be afraid of it. You will not be angry forever...but let the anger carry you through the times when you feel sad and desperate to reconnect. Remember what he did and be MAD. It'll keep you from calling him and will save you heartache in the long run.

[girlyantics]

A reasonable amount of anger (not the crazy, stalker, violent kind) is GOOD. Anger stops you from feeling like a victim and makes you feel empowered. Anger is totally natural and is definitely part of the healing process. Don't be afraid of it. You will not be angry forever...but let the anger carry you through the times when you feel sad and desperate to reconnect. Remember what he did and be MAD. It'll keep you from calling him and will save you heartache in the long run.

 

Thanks for your response. I feel that you're right about using the anger in my favor to move on and forget. Lately I've these days when I miss him and I think about all the really nice times we had together. And I feel like it wasn't such a horrible relationship after all. And you're right, it suddenly hits me, some third voice just shouts, "You miss HIM? Are you insane?" And I do start to list offense after offense and I realize, right, he's an a**hole.

[CareBear53187]

Hey girlyantics, i wish that you weren't in cali (even though i'm still a bit bitter that california went to clinton, i won't hold it against you) because i feel like we would be best friends. And just so you know, someone else feels the same way that you do. It's just not fair that we are still feeling the pain even though our brain tells us that we shouldn't..what i can say, though, is just to let yourself feel whatever you are going to feel. Don't date if you're not ready, REBOUNDS ONLY MAKE YOU FEEL WORSE. journal. Let yourself heal, no matter how long it takes..until you really feel like a whole person again. Hugs, Carrie

[girlyantics]

Aww! We would be great friends CareBear!

 

It's just not fair that we are still feeling the pain even though our brain tells us that we shouldn't...

 

 

Yes! Even on the days when I soften my attitude towards him and think, he was probably upset about the situation as well, I truly doubt he ever dwells on it now nearly 6 months later.

 

But I realize that it is not about him anymore. And it wasn't about him anymore from the moment I left. I learned that a lot of my sadness came from insecurity, pride (he ended it), and lack of direction in life. In the midst of my crying, part of me asked myself to be truly honest about why I was upset. I definitely do no want to date anyone before I feel ready. I think I would be doing myself and whomever I date a disservice. I think I will definitely start to journal!

 

Lately I've felt myself going through another round of resentment and nostalgia. I think it will definitely help me to journal my way through this. I really do want to feel like a great whole healthy person. Not for the sake of dating anyone of course, but because I don't want to live my life with insecurity and sadness anymore, not if I can help it!