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Engagement troubles


Confused1
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Well I might as well get to the problem;

 

I am a recently engaged male. I love her with all my heart, but I'm beginning to think maybe we've rushed things (we did indeed take it fast), or else just made a mistake somewhere along the line. Is it normal to be having second thoughts/doubts? Is there anyway to know where to draw the line between cold feet and a serious issue?

 

I've tried talking to her about it, but she doesn't seem very receptive (this was my first major clue that something is not right), and it feels like everything has to go her way or else quite often.

 

A current example of the problem; Much (though not all) of the trouble was revealed when I recently suggested we postpone the date of the wedding to allow me time to establish myself after college, and for various other reasons I lack the words to explain. She won't even consider the issue, insisting that I have no good reason for wanting the change and that we will in fact get married on the previously chosen date. Isn't my desire alone good enough reason? She has hinted that if I continue to press the issue the ultimatum "then or never" will arise, which really makes me wonder what exactly is going on in her mind. If she loves me as much as she says, why would she force me to choose between getting married then or not at all?

 

Any advice or discussion at all would be appreciated, I just don't know what I should do now.

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Maybe she's having second thoughts, too. She might be as scared as you are, but for different reasons. Think about it: if you proposed, there was a reason for it. But right now you can't even think straight. We tend to worry more about what poeple might think. And your girlfriend might see your wanting to postpone the wedding as a threat that you won't marry her. She loves you, but she also cares about what people might think if you guys call the wedding off. That's just the way we are. Think about it, and I hope this helped.

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If you have a problem with the date you are planning to get married, then she needs to listen to you. If she's not going to listen to you now, then she never is going to and you're walking into a bad situation.

 

That being said now lets look at things from her point of view. Being a woman she's been looking forward to this day since she was probably around 5. This is a big deal for her, and she's been waiting a long time, so if you mess with her plans, she isn't going to be happy.

 

If you can't get her to see things from your prospective, try and explain it to someone else. Her parents or a sibling that has grown up with them. Many times they will be more likely to be able to reason with someone. Sometimes you just need a middleman.

 

If she isn't going to pay any attention to your concerns and continues to look down on them, the I would suggest you turn tail and run. I've seen many a life ruined by a spouse that refuses to listen. You're opinions are valid, and if she isn't willing to recognize that, then you're life is going to be hell once you're married.

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I hate to say this but, if she is not listening now what makes you sure that she will listen in the future after the wedding???? If she wont listen to you about your concerns then there is a problem with communication between you two. If she wont listen to you the nrun for the hills because it will only get worse. I would sit her down and talk about this like two adults that you are. As I said if she will not hear your concerns then it is time to leave. I was engaged once and after I put the ring on her finger she changed over night. The first two weeks she and I were glowing with love and after it all went down hill.

 

If you are not happy with the date that is planned and she will not listen then it maybe time to get out of this relationship.

 

Good luck,

Hubman

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well Arianna was right about her seeing the changing of the date as a threat of not getting married and caring about what other people think, the first of which I gave all the assurance I could to demonstrate is not the case.

 

 

 

She did listen this time, but part of the problem is I can not put words to it. I simply did not/do not feel comfortable with the date and while she insist there must be some reason for the discomfort. Since I can't explain it, her listening has only helped a little (my fault not her's).

 

 

I understand where she is coming from, I see that it hurts her especially because she's gone through a very similar thing before. I do both love her and in fact want to marry her, but just a year or so later than the date that we (in my opinion and retrospect) far too quickly decided on together before. She can't see what good it would do to wait the extra year, and so the issue continually upsets her when I raise it.

 

 

As a result of discussing the date numerous times, she's now stated full out that it will be then or never. If I choose against that date, we'll break up.

 

 

So I'm still lost, I love this girl, on one hand I'm tempted to just 'bite the bullet' and marry on that date. On the other hand, I feel I would be doing a diservice and a dishonesty to us both if I continue until then, and on the day as though it were completely fine by me. The fact that I can't explain the reasoning behind it doesn't make the discomfort any less valid, but maybe it does mean I'm just being absurd? The fact that she has actually gone and set up this ultimatum also bothers me, because even though I can on some level understand why she did, it still seems like a threat to me (perhaps I'm being unjust in this conclusion) and you can't really go around threatening people into marrying you....

 

 

 

At any rate, thank you all for your help this far. I'll be sure to post what finally happens when it does.

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