dealing with a break up

[farfromfalling]

i've been through this before...but it doesn't seem to get any easier.

 

my gf of 2 years just broke up with me. i think it hurts so much because i didn't expect it. everything seemed good to me...i was happy...like really happy. it's been a week and 2 days since she broke up with me (monday jan 28th) and this is not getting any easier as days go by. here's the story:

 

first off i'm 22. i know i know...i'm young...i've got a lot ahead of me. she was 21. so here goes...the tuesday before she broke up with me...she came over my house and EVERYTHING seemed perfectly fine. i thought she'd come over the next day (wednesday), but she decided to get together with one of her gfs. the day after that (thursday) she wanted to hang out with her friend again. so, instead of calling her and just getting rejected i decided i'd let her give me a call when she wanted to hang out again. well, she never called...not friday...not saturday...not sunday. i finally got a hold of her during one of my work breaks on monday and she sounded really busy and kinda rudely said she'd call me back. so, anyway, she called me back around 5 on monday during one of her bathroom breaks at work and basically said it's over. she said she's young...just turned 21 in august, wants to party and ALMOST cheated on me. yup...that's never good to here. she said it's happened before where she almost cheated on me and she doesn't think that she can keep herself from doing it this time. she gave me the line, 'it's not you, it's me.' and that i'm perfect and that she needs to get her party phase out. that she's confused. she even said she almost cheated on me with a girl. is that even cheating? *laughs...j/k*...but seriously...she said she needs some space and that if she does come back after this phase ends that she'd be the luckiest girl if i took her back. so i told her and said...so you're telling me you want to break up...hook up with other ppl...then come crawling back to me? and she said no...it's not like that...she's not even gonna do anything with anyone...but then...why would she tell me she almost cheated on me then?...it just doesn't make any sense.

 

there's so many answers i want...but she basically gave me everything right there. it's been so hard not to call her, but everyone's giving me advice not to. there's a part of me that doesn't want to let her go...and i think that's why this is so hard for me. i don't want it to be over. this has affected my job, my family (they loved her by the way), my friends...(hate seeing me like this). and i'm just constantly fighting myself trying not to call her. I've been told it will prolly just create more problems for me and more questions that'll never get answered. i might hear stuff i don't wanna hear or am not prepared to hear.

 

i know A LOT of people have gone through this. but i haven't heard a lot of people that have gone without calling their ex in hopes of a way to work things out.

 

this is the first time i've gone to a message board. is there anyone that can help me ease the pain?

 

i've also got this girl that's interested in helping me get over this, but i don't want to hurt her either. she's a friend of mine that i never really talked to, but she saw how good of a bf i was i think she's falling for me. no...i know she's falling for me. and i'm at a bad state of mind right now and i don't know what to do. i don't want to use anyone.

 

i still have strong feelings for my ex and this just flat out sucks

 

hoping someone can help ease the pain.

[Clementine orange]

Break ups suck - there's no two ways about it. Do a search here on ENA on some of "superdave"s posts on the best advice on dealing with this.

Most of us have been where you are man, it's tough but you'll get through it.

[blender]

My dear, you are going through a disappointing tough time, so take that time to feel all your feelings, work through them BEFORE you get involved with this friend of yours in any way.. okay, make sure to tell your friend that you are too emotionally confused right now to allow anything to start between the two of you, because you don't want to "use her as a rebound".. that is not fair, or repsectful or right to do..

 

As far as the girl who broke up with you goes..well do NOT take it personally, it's not about you, she's right, it is HER.. sometimes someone is just "not ready" to be fully committed to anyone.. and no matter what she said about "almost cheating or not doing anything" or whatever, she's just talking her way through it all so she can justify and feel less guilt about hurting you..all the while she is protecting her own ego as well.

 

so just know that we all have to go through these overwhelmingly sad heartbreaks at times, it hurts, it takes time to get over, but try to separate your "feelings' from the "facts" here, you may feel as if she should be with you and that you are wonderful boyfriend.. and that may be true, but the fact is, she is not emotionally ready to be who YOU deserve.. so that is her loss, not yours... she's just not ready... so try to accept and respect the fact that she would most likely be going through this phase no matter who her boyfriend was at this time.. it's part of her process, her path, her growing up... it's her timing...

 

I'm so sorry you are hurting, but I promise you, you will get through this, and you will look back and actually be grateful for all that you learned about yourself, because FATE has a way of nudging us forward and sometimes it's done through heartbreak.. because you are being emotionally prepared for a new love to come into your life.. remember this all happened for a reason, one that you might not understand yet, but you will soon discover that YOU are NOT interested in ANY girl who is not intentionally wanting to make it work with you.. and you are now free to explore and go forward, grow, and celebrate all the fantastic opportunities for love in YOUR future.

 

I can tell you that usually the one who's heart is broken in the break up is almost always the one who gets more out of it, then the one who does the breaking up.. It just seems that once our hearts ache so much, we rediscover who YOU are, and how much YOU can love, how much YOU have to offer, and you're not going to waste the energy on someone who is NOT wanting it... and you will soon feel better, stronger, wiser, more mature, classy, self respecting.. and healed.. and then watch out girls, there's a new classy mature self respecting guy on the market....

 

and your ex will still be going in circles, running into "herself" over and over again.. and all the while you have been growing, maturing, learning, widening your own social circle, moving on.. and that will most likely be the time you get one of those late night calls from the ex saying, "I miss you".. but you'll have grown way past her by then.. so hang in there, the best is ahead of you not behind you...

 

Stay strong, do NOT have any contact with the ex starting today..now is the time to take care of yourself and heal your own heart.... keep writing on here, we all care so much.

[redsuede]

Welcome!! and sorry to hear about your situation. One thing I know most people forget is that space and time is your only friend. You really do need to go complete NC, as what she is saying to you is not OK. Almost cheating is not OK, her telling you that she wants to go and party and hopefully you will still be there is not OK. Truly, the only way to have a win win situation here is by going NC. As if you do that, you will heal from this WITH SELF RESPECT. If she does come back... She will have respect for you too as long as you are always making sure that you are not her door mat. I know how bad it hurts, and I know how bad life feels dead and nothing without that person that has been in your life. But the only way out of pain is by going through it. Know that it will not always feel that way.. NC gives you a chance to realize that you are worth someone to come in your life and cherish you and not want to toss you aside. Make sure you tell that girl straight up that you are NOT ready or even wanting a relationship ... so she doesnt get hurt. I know this hurts.. and sucks.. but please keep posting.. keep us updated..

[AngelEyez]

Hey,

 

When you told her "so you're telling me you want to break up...hook up with other ppl...then come crawling back to me?", that's basically what she was implying. It's really weird how some people act. I remember with my ex, I slept over at his house one night, left in the morning, and then at around 11PM he was cheating on me at a party. Everything seemed perfect. I went home all happy, but then again, I had a gut instinct that he would cheat on me. But yeah! This girl seems like she's trying to live her life and wanting to do what she wants to do. What would you like to do for yourself? Can't you go out and have a good time? Guys night out?

[mc1981]

Blender is right. It isn't about you. It sounds like you've been such a good boyfriend. I've been on your ex's side of things, I'm not proud to say. My boyfriend at the time did everything in his power to make me happy, but I just wasn't. I had crushes on other people (emotionally cheating, if you want to call it that) and put myself in situations that I shouldn't have as someone in a relationship. I was young and immature then too (24). I guess subconsciously it was about "playing the field" because I hadn't dated a lot and was worried about what I was missing out on. I still feel pangs of guilt when I think about how I treated him at the end, but I am glad I finally did do the right thing and let him go when I recognized what I was doing. With that said, the best thing to do is continue the healing process. It was unfair of her to give you hope that she would come back to you. Act as if she won't and prepare to move on with your life. You have a lot to offer someone, so heal yourself so that you will be ready for that person. Hope this helps. Hang in there.

[farfromfalling]

wow, thank you all for the warm welcome. means so much to me. all of your responses have helped greatly especially yours blender. i made a search for superdave's posts as advised by clementine orange and they really help and put a lot of things into perspective for me. thank you. i know i'm still gonna feel it for a long while (as this really hit me out of nowhere)..but i'm definitely trying to overcome this. looks like one day at a time. i was so close to making contact today, but i'm glad i came here cuz it made me stop and think...and now, i'm not going to contact her. NC. angeleyez, yes, i've been trying to go out with my friends and all that, but still...the memories come and go at random. it's really really really tough redsuede, i will continue to keep you guys updated. thanks everyone. i still appreciate everyones comments towards my situation so feel free to leave anything. i love reading your opinions and advice and it really helps

[soccergirl980]

I'm not going to tell you that breakups are not hard and im deffiently not going to tell you that it will go away because let's face it everyone tells us that and honestly im pretty sure we dont want to hear that...

 

First of all i think your ex owes you an actual true explanation besides the whole partying phase...by the way she did it over the phone...thats kinda low, dont you think? It hurts more because like you said you didnt see it coming and that is the worst kind of break up out there. When you think everything is great and than one day you feel like you just woke up from a dream and not of it was real.

 

Im also with you on the whole calling her issue. From experience I have ALWAYS wanted to call and i still do. My friends as well told me not to call because it wouldnbt be easy but lets face it...as much as we want our friend's advice, were gonna call if we really wanna call.

 

I sometimes stare at the phone or make sure i have it with me at all times thinking just maybe he'll call me. I know thats not healthy which is why i decided to suck it up and clal him. I think as much as calling is a bad idea and you might not want to hear what she has to say, you need to do it for yourself. After i called him, i felt relieved, and he told me he missed me and blah blah blah and that didnt help my situation but it was better to hear that then obessing over him calling me.

 

I know this is going to sound extremely bad but i think you need a distraction. Your friend who might be falling for you may not be the best distraction because she's your friend, but a distraction would be good. I dont know if it would work for you but it worked for me to a certain point. There was a guy who really liked me and after having my heart broken, I used him as a distraction. I didnt think about my break up while i was with him which helped because it wasnt healthy for me to think about the break up 24/7.

 

I hope this helps. I really think you should call her if you really truly want too otherwise you will always regret not calling even if things turn out bad, you dont want to regret that one call. And even though she's at fault, it doesnt hurt to being the better person and calling rather than waiting for her to call.

 

good luck!