The Past of Me

[kboykb]

(this is kind of a continuation of a post I put in the shy people dating section of the forums).

 

So basically I'm 22, I have difficult speaking to the girls that I actually want to talk to (though I have no problem talking, dating, laying with others that aren't so attractive) - I'm ready to enjoy my youth a little bit, and I want to be able to speak with girls without worrying or having anxiety.

 

I live with 2 cousins, who are ANIMALS with the ladies. We're family so we favor in the looks department, but their overall demeanor is totally different than mine. They just ooze confidence.

 

The reason I'm different may be this. When I was younger I was molested. My older cousins made me suck their penises starting when I was around 5 or 6 years old. I didn't even know it was wrong back then, and I only fought back once.. it was after my mother told me about heaven and hell, and I argued with him telling him that I felt like I was going to go to hell if I sucked it. He still made me do it... and eventually again I felt like it was natural and not bad. The older I got the more I did it (it was 3 cousins in total). --- (when I say made I don't mean he forced my head down, it's better to say he "sweet talked" his way to get me to do it, but as a child words from a senior are just as strong as physical actions.)

 

Of course when I got to be about 10 or 11 things changed, I knew what was up, I stopped doing it, etc. I think that may have put a small homosexual bone in my body. I hate it, I did read that 90% of guys have had at least 1 "curious" experience in their life, but this is ridiculous. I think that may have been a direct shot to building my confidence as a child, and also one of the reasons i'm always so "nice" and smile so often. If I'm in a group and there's a gay guy around he's more likely to approach me because of my overall appearance. I just look.. nice. Girls don't seem to like that so much.

 

Also through high school I didn't surround myself with confident people. I love my friends that I grew up with and always will, but it's not a lie that they weren't completely confident. Not to mention I was with a high school sweet heart (who I was constantly battling E.D. with because of anxiety) for 4 years.

 

So here I'm 22, Ive graduated college, and I've finally surrounded myself with confident people, I'm ready to change, but my past is a bit hard to overcome. I know it might be a late start, but I would like to reform my life. Really I felt like just getting this out in general would help, you could see it as a rant post, but if you do have some suggestions into helping me out I'm all ears.

 

Thanks for reading.

[romantic sweetheart]

I'm really saddened to hear that you endured emotional and sexual abuse as a small child--My heart goes out to you. When sexual abuse happens, feelings get confused, and so much hurt and fear develops, and the damage reaches our souls deeply. Sexual experiences forced upon children propels the body and mind into situations that are far too mature for a young heart, and sexuality becomes a thing fo shame. This should never be how a person is introduced to his/her sexual nature--it is heartbreaking when it happens in these degraded and painful ways.

 

I think the first step is to embrace the past, move with, not against, the powerful feelings that surface when you think of the past--"What we resist persists" so they say. That being said, I think it is importnat to explore your memories and associated feelings in a safe, respectful place; a lot of overwhelming issues are there, and I feel it might be best to work through these things with a trusted counselor, someone you feel comfortable and secure with. You should not have to cope with some of these heavier feelings all alone--Counseling can provide structure for healing, and help you through the difficult roller coaster of emotiions that affect our lives.

 

What is beautiful is that your pain has made you more gentle and shy, and many people are indeed drawn to the warmth and kindness that you exude. Your gifts of compassion and introspection should be seen and appreciated, and as we get into our young adult years, naturally our thoughts turn toward developing intimate and happy relatinships with special people that come into our lives.

 

If you feel ready to do so, I would again encourage you to speak with a counselor and together explore ways to work through the residual feelings from the past--Because of the trauma that occurred in your childhood, you will naturally have fears and concerns that resonate today in your mind/body/soul. As we reach out to others and to ourselves, we can slolwy become free of the shackles of our past pain, and emerge stronger and with a lighter heart.

 

I hope that this has helped a little--I feel compassion for your situation, as I have known people that have experienced similar trauma, and it takes courage to face the feelings and thoughts that arise---But the chance to become more compassionate and understanding are the gifts of going through pain.....

[kboykb]

Thanks for that very thoughtful (and inspiring) respond RS, I'm glad you can understand my feelings right now. You bring my kindness out and say it should be seen as a gift and not a downfall... you're right, I just dislike because it usually attracts a lot of the wrong things towards me, but I should look at myself differently.

 

I've always wanted to have someone to talk to about it, but I don't want any family issues (I never told anyone about what happened) - I guess finding a counselor in the city could work, but I do hope that I can just resolve this issue and live my life.

 

I'd like to comfortably have a wife and kids one day and I feel like if I still have this in the back of my mind I would never be able to be happy with them.

 

Thanks again.