Hmm, Running Away for no reason

[kboykb]

How do you beat anxiety? It's a little harder than just "taking a deep breath and calming down" to me.. the anxiety I have is like my mind picking a subject that worries me, and holding onto it regardless of what I do.

 

I've noticed something.. I'm not going to put a girl into categories or anything.. but I have an overall different demeanor when I'm with, say, a really sexy pretty girl versus an average (maybe even a little larger) girl.

 

Around an average girl (or a fling) I can be myself on the inside and out, I can joke around, and when it's time to have sex I can just do it without worry.

 

Consequently, when I get around a really sexy girl that's interested in me, I tend to feel a bit strange. Like, on the OUTSIDE I can still joke around and be goofy and whatever, but on the INSIDE I have this constant feeling of anxiety. (If you're a guy) To me it's like my scrotum tightens up (a sign of worry) - a cold sweat, and just an uneasy feeling in my stomach. When I get this feeling it's difficult to get an erection until I calm down.

 

Why though? When I call a girl sometimes I'm not really calling to talk, I call thinking in the back of my mind that they won't pick up so I can use the stupid "well at least I called her" excuse to give me a false sense of ease. And when we actually do talk for a while, say we stay on the phone for 30 mins, when I get off I'm like "phew".. because instead of enjoying the 30 minute convo instead I spent 30 minutes wrestling in my mind over things to say instead of just talking about what comes naturally. If you watch me on the phone I move around a lot, I say "hold on" for no reason.. etc. because I'm worried about my conversational skills. It's sad.

 

In person when I'm around them instead of just sitting back and enjoying the conversation and being in their company I'm worrying about stupid things!! My mind thinks so much it's crazy, and all this is doing is making me screw things up and making the ones I like go away.

 

I'm young, but I won't be able to do anything with my youth if this keeps up. Maybe it was the way I was brought up, or who I chose to hang around in high school, all I know is that now I'm 22 and I'm ready to change everything about myself, and this is the #1 thing that needs to be fixed.

 

(I may have made it seem like I was forcing myself to talk to girls, but this isn't the case. I want to talk to them, and I want to be able to do so comfortably.. and sorry for the average vs. sexy girl thing, a girl is a girl regardless, it's just my mind. )

[rose2summer]

Why do you feel so much anxiety around a really pretty girl?

 

What about them intimidates you or what do you feel insecure about within yourself to feel that way?

 

Hugs, Rose

[kboykb]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. I don't know?? It's hard to say.. the only different between a pretty and an average girl is appearance, they're same on the inside. It's like my mind puts so much pressure on me just because she has a pretty face or nice body..

[rose2summer]

But that's just looks, I think you need to remind yourself that these looks fade, and that they are no better than you are.

 

When you get nervous, imagine them 90 all wrinkled up, and see if you are intimated still, ok ya, me and my silly analogies!

 

Hugs, Rose

[Maverick32x]

this is pretty natural actually... looks do make a diffrence in the way we interact, and you're probably just really intimidated..... honestly, the only way you're going to get over something like this, is to simply put yourself in that position again...

 

However, before doing it, it probably isn't a bad idea to try to figure out what you want to do... right now it sounds like you want to relieve your anxiety and worry... so how do you plan about doing it? Perhaps excusing yourself to go into the bathroom to take a breather... your idea on the phone of taking a break isnt THAT bad of an idea..... if thats what it takes to calm you down..... as you have these interactions more your anxiety SHOULD we drop...

 

Its possible that there is a bit of a confidence problem though, do you think thats the issue? I dunno, just tossing some thoughts out there~

[kboykb]

Thanks for the replies rose and Mav - that would probably start making me smile for no reason if I thought about that rose, lol.. You're right though looks do Fade.

 

Mav you're right, I Just fear that if I keep putting myself in the position and fail it'll just slap my confidence over. Though the more I do it it should definitely get better, I just hope the girls can stick around after I blunder over and over

 

Confidence is the problem though, I really need to build it.. It's not terrible but it's not wonderful in the slightest.

[Maverick32x]

ok, so if we center this mostly around a confidence thing, we need to target what exactly you're afraid of..... it sounds like you're afraid of saying something stupid? or "wrong".... now I'm not exactly sure what you could possibly say that is stupid, so I'm gonna let you tell me.....

 

I know I have a fear of running out of things to talk about and making the conversation awkward.. as for saying something dumb... thats probably going to happen.. but i work my way through it

[samantha20]

I would say if you can, join a local amatuer theatre group or something. I know it sounds weird, but when I was at school, I was very very shy and felt intimidated by everyone and too scared to make conversations with people because I felt like they'd be mean to me. Then I started a drama class to try and make friends, and it made me a different person. I learned that acting gives you the confidence to leave yourself behind and be someone else, without any fear. It's so liberating. You can apply this to every day life and just act the part of a confident person, and soon you find that that person becomes you. I don't know if that makes sense, but it really works. Once you've been on stage in front of an audience, every day situations stop being scary in comparison! I hope that makes sense and helps you.

[kboykb]

That doesn't sound weird at all Samantha, I took an acting class in high school for the school play and it definitely helped me out. If I could try that again it would really help

 

and Mav - it's kind of like you actually, I feel like I run out of things to say sometimes kind of quickly, and I don't know how to cover for it so some times we get off the phone and I feel like.. "damn, that was a really blah convo, wonder if she wants to talk to me anymore..." .. It's mainly confidence though, even though I was with my ex for four years I was constantly asking myself how a guy like me got a girl like her.

[Maverick32x]

well, I do like that acting idea.. personally I never did anything like that.. but instead kind of just decided one day that I didn't want to be a "shy" person.. and instead I thought of someone that I really respected for their outgoingness... he always had something to say.. his jokes were always funny.. and people LOVED this guy....

 

He was def. someone I wanted to be like... so as I hung out with him more I kind of adopted this kind of care-freeness that he so easily/naturally gave out.... So when I talked to girls I thought.. how would deal with this? and I would attempt to just keep it real carefree and relaxed/random... not that I would mimic him, but in some senses I tried to mimic his style of conversation..... Well, it worked WONDERS for my social interactions.....

 

Of course that is something I mostly do on a very informal basis, which I was having trouble with.. in terms of a one on one phone conversation which seems to be the backbone of what your problem is surrounding, I honestly think about things that happen in my life, and constantly am thinking of ways to ask about the other person's day... if I have anything to relate to if they tell a story... I keep it short/simple however.. no reason to let things go longer than they need to...

 

That was kind of jumbled but hopefully some of it makes sense... In my own experience I usually try to have a quick run down of things that have been going on in my life and things to bring up in a conversation.... if the convo starts to get slow/stale, I just end it before it gets to a point of "why am I on the phone?" this works wonders in keeping a conversation fresh.....

 

also I'm chalk full of useless facts/information... ever wonder why we cry? or random psychology stuff about why people do certain things.... yep.. I'm packed full of stuff like that.. and it helps keep conversations interesting....

[addictedblue]

hey i know what you mean, and i AM a girl and straight. i'm talking about making friends; i can talk to random average looking girls or fat girls just fine, but when it comes to a really pretty hot girl who is like a model, i feel like i can't talk to her, or whatever. so yeah you aren't alone. i am the same way with guys - i can talk so easily to the funny looking or chubby ones, but when it comes to the really hot ones, i totally can't. idk why either.

[bella2007]

Hey, you remind me so much of a man i work with...except he is alot older than you but had the same issues you are describing. You can get over this...if he could, you could. He was a pretty serious case. He is still a working on his issues, has opened up about it a bit, and he is trying...which is good thing for him and his overall happiness.

 

He could speak to EVERYONE who was older, married, not his type, etc. but if you were young, attractive & his type so to speak he would completely; freeze up, turn red, get dry mouth, get VERY anxious...acted like he had ants in his pants or something...lol!

 

Well, he has improved greatly!!! It took him along time to get up the courage to just say hello to me (without turning red, getting nervous) and ask about my weekend. Now he does it daily..and will ask most Mondays how my weekend was. He can do that now, but it was very hard and awkward at first.

 

He couldn't make eye contact when i spoke to him and he would get really anxious. Now he "prepares" himself and can do it. He confided in a friend a few months ago that i made him feel the way you described in your original post and that he found it hard to concentrate when i was around, which i thought was cute Now he just prepares himself, calms himself down and tells himself that he can do it. without fear...positive self-affirmations i guess.

 

I feel that this may work for you as well, you deserve to be happy (you have to feel that) and that you have alot to offer...you can get over this.

 

I have noticed a big change in him. Because i liked him alot (and he was told) i think it helped him open up and made him less worried about looking silly. Now he will initiate conversation and talk without looking like he will fall apart. He still has his days where he gets shy and needs his space and i give it to him. But most days he will seek me out to say hello, walk by to see what i am doing. So it is possible that it can change.

 

He has had this problem all his life but he made a choice to change it. I believe you can too!!!!

 

 

If you want to chat further let me know