Living together after breaking up...

[shmazpro]

My fiancée and I had a falling out late last year. Over the summer we had drifted apart. There was equal fault from my view, but I could be wrong. She says it was at least 90% my fault… Who can really say? Nobody wants to blame themselves. It came to a climax when she found another man to whom she had a strong attraction. We broke up and she briefly (about a month) pursued a relationship with this man... All the while I was trying to convince her to come back to me.

 

We live together, and over the course of this I bought a twin bed and put it in my study (we have a small 2 1/2 bedroom apartment… my study was the half). She would always ask me to sleep in her (our) bed anyway, which was confusing since she was the one who was driving the separation… So I thought that things where improving. Actually I found out just how serious she felt about this other man only after reading her e-mail. I know that was a huge violation of trust on my part, but I was very suspicious. Towards the end of that month, I was starting to build a separation, and through all of this I fell very used. She eventually came back saying that she needed to resolve our relationship, which was admittedly very unresolved. We sought couples counseling and more or less settled on a ‘trial separation’ while actively trying to repair our relationship. I had decided to move out but due to our financial situation we resolved to try to live together as roommates. So I moved into the second bedroom (which was her study)… Anyway I’m very conflicted. I love this woman dearly, but I’m very resentful of how she chose to break up. Lately I’ve felt compelled to find comfort from other women… I’ve not pursued this in any way other than flirting with some girl one night while out with some friends.

 

And this is where I’m at now… I wonder if anyone out there has had a similar situation. Whether it was a clear cut separation or a trial one; does anyone out there have any experience, stories or advice, about how you dealt with this situation? Have any of you broke up with your partner and tried to stay living together as roommates?

[scotty77]

It does seem common these days ,that is people break up but due to financial reasons they live together as roommates.Since she has no qualms about starting a new relationship I would suggest that you also attempt to date other women.Since she already briefly pursued a relationship and she was the one who wanted to break up with you ,I am sure she has every intention of looking for someone else.I know it is a bitter pill to swallow and I would certainly function a lot beter if I didn't have to see her every day but likely due to financial constraints it has to be this way for awhile.

[ftheunion]

Ya thats fine pay rent and use the room. On the inside it is devastating. If she likes someone else than she deserves to be happy no matter................so go ahead and spend time with others. If she asks you to sleep in the same bed maybe assure with thats what she wants, but do it only to please her and don't think about yourself, as you know the falsehood and how tore up you are. Just don't go all the way with her and you will be fine. Maybe cut out small unnecessary talk.

[beth116]

I have- it was a disaster. My boyfriend and I broke up and then we tried to live together. The temptation was always there- and we took it, to continue sleeping together. This led to confusion over where the boundries lay, and what was acceptable and what wasn't.

 

Cut a long story short- once we started to see other people , the jealousy set in and the process was made so much worse by the fact that we had been continuing to do stuff together and engaging in intimacy. We ended up screaming at each other, and eventually split for good, and now we don't talk. If we had just lived separately after we broke up, we may have been able to salvage something of a friendship.

 

Don't let the boundries blur- either you are together or you're not. If you aren't clear on that, it will onyl lead to more heartache.

[PixelPusher]

When I found out about my X's infidelity and we mutually decided to divorce, I stayed in the house and lived there for about 3 months or so. It was mainly because she didn't have a job and I actually felt BAD about picking up and leaving, so I helped her find a job and get on her feet. Once that happened, I moved out. (The house was in her family... so it was hers technically.)

 

But for those three months... it was incredibly, incredibly difficult. We were cordial to friendly but that was it. I moved into the guest room. I just couldn't even be in the mast bedroom knowing what she did with the other man in there. We lived completely separate lives, and I have vivid memories of her coming home drunk at 3am from being out with him. Sometimes in tears, sometimes not.

 

It was terrible. I have no idea what to tell you but it is a very difficult thing to do.