I'm really no good to anyone.

[RedDelicious]

Ultimate suicidal cliche, but looking back, well, it's true.

 

I grew up seeing how much of a hassle I was for my parents. So I decided to cut the cord for good and stand in my own two feet.

 

I'm currently on a relationship with someone I love deeply, but I'm blowing it since I can't control my temper, I'm impatient and moody. And all that is giving him second thoughts about us.

 

I don't blame him, who wants to be with a moody, impatient, sulky cow anyways. I'm not the most pleasant person to be around, that's a fact.

 

I don't know what I want, I'm just really great at getting rid of the things I "don't" want. But I've never worked hard to achieve something, or to create something beautiful that is worth it.

 

Well, I was working really hard in order to be with my SO, to live together, but all the technicalities that this implies are creating tensions that I'm handling in the worst possible way.

 

I'm just pissing him off and frustrating him. He's having a really rough and busy time in his life right now, and I'm not making it any better. I wouldn't be surprised if he sent me to hell soon. I wouldn't blame him really.

 

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I take responsibility for all the things (and their consequences) that took me until the point of contemplating suicide.

 

This things are, among many others, being selfish, self absorbed, immature, sulky, problematic, neurotic, negative, impatient, complain too much, see always the crappy side.

 

I'm definitely guilty of not working into solving this issues, of not being a better person.

 

I wonder if there's such a thing as unconditional love. Or if everybody can get to a point where they just tell their "loved one":

 

- OK you know what, I really tried, but this aspects of who you are I really can't stand, thereforeeee my love for you has reached its limits.

 

(Just to clear this out, noone told me that, it's just my personal way of

putting into words the way I've felt some people have acted towards me).

 

I understand noone sticks around someone that upsets them. If that's the case I must be bloody annoying, and I don't even know how to solve it. Or if it even matters anymore.

[zestygirl]

Hey, Red.

 

Join the club, sweetie! you've just described approximately 99.9% of the entire populus, female, male, old & young.

 

Maybe one of the first things you should try realizing is that you are NORMAL. Also - for those aspects that are not normal, guess what? You still are not beyond hope because you are a rational, and aware observer of your irrantional self. (i.e. - a truly hopeless person often does not even see the extent of their selfishness or psychopathic behaviours).

 

Is it possible that what you want is nota actually to kill yourself, but to kill some aspects of your CURRENT self - and create a new one that you like a little better?

 

I can hear you. Change is almost impossible. Guess what? Climbing a mountain when you're unprepared & out of shape in one day is impossible. Making tiny little changes that you can build on until you get really good at making changes IS possible.

 

(Take it from me. I a sulky cow too.)

 

Perhaps start by creating an awareness of just one behaviour that you are currently loathing in yourself, like, negativity. Make a conscious effort to stifle negative comments - at first, you'll trip up hourly. Slowly, you'll get better for longer stretches. Eventually, guess what! VOILA! you have squashed 90% or more of your unnecessary negativity.

 

I am an old stubborn witch sometimes, but I have impressed myself with some of the changes i have been able to make.

 

The most important thing is BELIEVING in yourself. Don't forget that you are a miraculous, unique, and fleeting expression of our vast universe - and you are very, very special!

 

I can already tell that you are a good person, because you REGRET your flaws and feel bad about your mistakes. You seem like just the type of girl who can make a difference in her own life!

 

GOOD LUCK!

[deviousj420]

chill.... ive been where you are n Ive felt the same way.. done the same things... it feels as tho u push the ones that are closest to you the furthest away.. n it sucks,.. n u kno u do it but u dont kno why.. ur not alone... ive done it to.. he is still with you cuz he loves you and cares.. but honestly, like you said, no1 wants to deal with sum1 thats all blah - cant u choose to smile instead of frowning? what else is so bad that is makin u behave this way? theres sumthin botherin you that ur not gettin too... else u wouldnt act this way.. so whats up talk to me, i care ya kno, even tho i dont kno you, but this place is to help people with problems... n Im tryin to help you - so whats up

[RedDelicious]

Zestygirl and deviousj,

 

Thanks a lot for your sweet and kind words.

 

I am aware that everything to make it better is in my hands.

 

At the time I just put myself in the stupid position of not having any sort of safety net, and that's really scary, specially when you've just said and done stupid things that jeopardize the only truly meaningful relationship you've really had.

 

It is, I really love this guy and we've helped each other in so many ways, I just can't believe I was so blind to push my luck like that.

 

So, when the possibility of losing everything that is meaningful in your life crops up, suicide is kind of tempting.

 

It's easy to think in that terms when you lose all meaning.

 

Perhaps start by creating an awareness of just one behaviour that you are currently loathing in yourself, like, negativity. Make a conscious effort to stifle negative comments - at first, you'll trip up hourly. Slowly, you'll get better for longer stretches. Eventually, guess what! VOILA! you have squashed 90% or more of your unnecessary negativity.

 

I think I can do that, it is worth trying.

 

Thanks again for making me aware, I really needed it.

[amure]

yeah i think im heading down the same path...

if you've read my posts, you will know the love of my life fell out of love with me, and currently is into my best mate...

 

so yeah im getting very angry, impatient ect...

 

theres not much you can do to stop it. but i try working out to releive the stress ect..

good luck