Maybe NC is NOT always the way to go!

[circi]

So it's been 2 months since the ex left me. I wanted to go NC, but couldn't do it. We really didn't even have LC, we talked or texted pretty much daily. Now being the devastated dumpee, I would ask about his life, if he was dating, if he was happy, etc. He told me all the things I wanted to hear - except that he wanted me back. He gave me all the signs without actually SAYING the words.

 

This gave me hope, and I know many of you have been there. So being the curious (read nosy) person that I am, I decided to follow up on some of what he'd told me. Some information I found out totally by accident as it was volunteered!

 

In a nutshell, I found out (as you probably already knew) that a good 60% of what he'd told me were lies. My love for him turned to hate, and then very quickly to indifference. I sat and thought - even if he were to come back right now and beg to try again could I be happy knowing that he could so easily lie to me? I would NEVER trust him. Without trust, there is no relationship.

 

Had I gone NC right away, this wouldn't have happened and I would most likely still be sitting here crying and depressed. I've now been NC for a week, and it's mostly because I have nothing to say to him. There's no point to calling him out on his lies because it won't change anything.

 

So that's my thought on NC. It would have totally backfired on me if I'd done it. I can't say that I'm happy now, because I'm not. I can say that I'm no longer pining over him and actually feel a bit sorry for the girl he's dating now because she too will most likely end up going through the same thing. And if she doesn't and they end up married, then I would be happy that he finally found what he's looking for

[bustertypsy]

I appreciate your point,but I disagree that NC doesn't help.In your case you only found out by doing LC that he was a liar.No offence,but did you not know this person for what he was,when you were with him?

[circi]

Nope I didn't. I lived with the man for a year and had no reason to think he was a liar. Looking back, he probably lied to me then as well and I just wasn't aware of it.

 

He comes accross as one of the best people you'll ever meet. Hard working, respectful, etc etc. He was the first man I truly trusted since my divorce more than 10yrs ago.

[1HelluvaGirl]

Hmm, I can see both sides of this argument and am torn on this based on a similar experience. I was doing LC after my fiance broke up with me in September. He was initiating all contact with me, except for the times I asked for his help on logistical type stuff (like canceling wedding venues, etc). Again, I would not initiate this with him, but I would respond.

 

In december, I found out that he had been dating since we broke up (and the girl was someone he met while we were engaged and who I had asked him not to talk to). Obviously, he had her in mind as his backup plan when he broke up with me. I didn't hear this from my ex of course, I found out through the photos, comments, and messages they left each other on MySpace and Facebook (evil web sites!). To make it worse, the entire time he was with her, he was texting me and telling me he missed me, "wished he was making love to me", etc. We even hooked up in December when he came over because he just "had to see me". He was keeping me emotionally tied to him but spending all his time and affection on the woman he left me for.

 

While dating this guy, I felt like a queen. I've never felt more beautiful, more loved, or more cherished than I had when I was with him, and I planned on being with him for the rest of my life. However, when I found out that he was with this girl, and the lies he told started to unfold, it showed me who he was in a different light. I don't think it changes who he was when he was with me, and I do believe he loved me. But it makes me truly dislike the person he is now.

 

I am in NC now, and when I have rough days, all I need to think about is the love he continued to profess to me even while making plans to take another girl to our honeymoon destination. It stings. It hurts like hell. But it has definitely knocked him off the pedestal I put him on, and would probably be keeping him on, if I hadn't learned the truth.

 

Before I knew about the other girl, I made tons of excuses for him. He's confused. He's scared of commitment. He comes from a broken home. Blah, blah blah. Enough! No more excuses.

 

LC turned out to be really painful, but also really eye opening. Just my 2 cents.

[circi]

EXACTLY. Thanks for the post.

[1HelluvaGirl]

I appreciate your point,but I disagree that NC doesn't help.In your case you only found out by doing LC that he was a liar.No offence,but did you not know this person for what he was,when you were with him?

 

 

I NEVER, EVER felt disrespected or lied to by my ex. We had an honest relationship and rarely fought. I don't think he lied to me while he was with me, nor did he have a reason to. He either fundamentally changed when we broke up or maybe he never revealed his true self to me while we were together (2 years). I think it is the former. He reverted back to behavior that he used to have prior to us dating, and that was behavior that he never displayed around me.