Unrequited love. Check. Drama. Check. pain. Check.

[Melchior]

Where to begin. I've been dumped as of a month ago.

 

I dated my ex for 4 years. We met via work 2 years prior to that and were always flirty and were good friends, although I was never terribly close to her because she was seeing someone and so was I, and I knew that if we became close it might complicate things for both of us because I found her so enthralling, so I kept my distance. Eventually we were both single, and after a few months of being single and not being interested or even noticing anybody she woke something up in me and I decided to take the plunge and confess myself to her, and the response was life changing. She is far and away the most enrapturing, majestic creature i've ever seen, and I am not talking just about appearance here, although I have always been very attracted to her and still am to this day.

 

Anyway, so here we are 4 years later.She became more and more distant over the last year and when we had gotten a new apartment last august we had a conversation about if we still wanted to be together. Obviously we had both decided that we wanted to stil live together, and in honesty it was about a 5 minute conversation that was never revisited. Right up until the very end she always used to tell me how good I was to her and how she didn't know how she would get through life if I ever left her, which I never once even thought of doing. The things we'd fight about basically extended from her what I now see as her being unhappy with who she is in life compared to who she wanted to be. Eventually she figured out that the root cause for her was us; that within our dynamic there was something keeping her from being happy. So the bottom line was that the reason we had stayed together for basically the last year was because of my vision of a bright shiny future; that vision came so easily to me. She tried to work for it and share it, but she didn't in the end and her core, her instincts, were making her unable to be happy deep down with her life.

 

Fast forward to November of last year (2007) and I started a conversation about why we seemed unable to go a week without a stupid spat, and every month there would be something that reduced us to tears. Never once was it said that either of us wanted an end in all those fights, but it was obviously destructive. So, after that talk we broke up, although we were still amicable enough to share our appartment because we gave each other lots of space; I basically stayed with friends when I wasn't at work and we slept in separate rooms. Over the next month as I was distant from her I realized how strongly I felt for her and that my vision of life with her was easily the greatest goal I could imagine; not because of any particular material reason but simply because any life with her was beautiful to me. I truly loved this girl for who she is.

 

This was all alien to me, because this girl made me happy. I loved waking next to her even after so many years, and there wasn't any part of my life I didn't welcome her to. We were very close. About 1 year into our relationship we both got jobs at our employers head office, and we kept them for 2 years until she left work about a week before she broke up with me. Because of working together we literally saw each other 24/7 for about 1 and 1/2 years, the only real repirve being that we work in totally unrelated departments on different floors, and we are both gamers, with her basically playing world of warcraft every night for a few hours, so we had hobbies that gave us some space. On that note; a few days after we broke up, she became "romantically" involved with someone she met online. She always used to play so much that about a week after the breakup i made a joke about 'how her WOW boyfriend was". Understand that I had made this joke before; never about a real person but a joke about how her time was so devoted to playing it. She freaked out at me. Later she apologized for overreacting but I know now that the truth was she had found someone via it and was keeping it secret. A few weeks later I was awoken at 4 am because i heard her talking to someone, which is odd as it was so late; I could hear everything and it was her talking to another man. After that she confessed she had found someone else, although they were not truly involved as they had never met in person and she is not the type for long distance relationships. That hurt but I was able to deal with it because i was also moving on and to be truthful there was a friend who I was becoming more and more interested in, although I wasn't with her in any way.

 

So her and her long distance love became closer and closer.

 

Fast forward; On new years day, I broke down; i mean really broke down; uncontrollable tears, confessions of all i'd thought and wishes to fix it and will to try. It was reciprocated, and as I held her and we both cried and talked about all the bad and how we were sorry it didn't work out, I told her I forgave her for being who she was even if it drove her away from what I offered and something in her snapped and i felt like she was open with me for the first time since we had broken up; so we were going to try again. She called the other guy and told him what happened, and said that she had "burned that bridge".

 

 

5 days later, he talks to her for the first time (she had wanted to keep his friendship so was still waiting to talk to him again, and I trusted her on this). The next morning, we go out for breakfast and she tells me suddenly "I'm going to move in with my father and stay with him for a while, i need space". This hits me like a blow to the chest of course, but I respect it. I know what happened although she had at the time denied it, but the other man basically told her she was being stupid and cowardly and to "have the courage to do what you want to and leave him". As a sidenote i feel i need to say this about me here; From her mouth, I never once did anything even remotely bad. I never raised a hand toward her, never even noticed another woman at all (honestly, she was perfect for me, I didn't even notice when girls flirted with me) I don't drink, don't do drugs, I'm responsible, I'm respectful, etc... I'm a good guy, although I wouldn't call me a nice guy I'm pretty vicious sometimes, but not with her.

 

So, she left under the guise of needing space, and pretty much the next day after she left it became clear it was over, and she wanted to be with this other man.

 

Wow, long story. I guess i'm posting here because here I am a month later, she's with someone else, there is someone else that really wants to be with me and is for all intents and purposes perfect for me, but my heart is 100% with my ex.

 

I've tried to get over her; i've tried to be angry with her for being so deceptive about what happened with the other guy, but I just can't, because i forgive her for it. She gave me so much in life; she changed how I see the world around me and made me feel like there really is beauty out there. Before I met her i was a bitter, jaded man. I really truly love who she is, not because of the choices she makes, but because i'm just drawn to her.

 

We're trying to be friends because there is a very strong bond here, and from her mouth as well as mine. I will admit that since the breakup i've made it clear to her that I still want her, although i've tried to respect her space. I still wake up in tears every morning over what i've lost, and I don't like that anymore.

 

I'm trying to not talk to her right now because since we broke up there have only been maybe 3 days where we haven't spoken. Throughout this whole thing i've gotten so bad that i've actually been hospitalized for the physical pain i feel, and she's been there to help me if for no other reason than to help me not feel alone.

 

What I want right now is to give her space, and be able to ignore this hurt. I know she still cares for me, and never stopped loving me, and that's the hardest part; I still see that in her and part of me thinks that after some time she may realize that being with me doesn't limit her in being anything she wants. I'm not demanding or controlling, I have no agenda or hidden plan other than to live life with her by my side, or at least that's what it used to be. Now I just need to get over this.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Melchior]

It's so hard now to be all alone

 

I woke up this morning and I just feel so empty. Everything is just so hard, every little activity highlights the loss. I think it's harder because I still live in the place we shared, I have a lease here and have to stay here. I just want her to take it all back.

[b625]

NC is the only solution to get yourself together. That has worked for many of us.

[Melchior]

NC is the only solution to get yourself together. That has worked for many of us.

 

Yeah. I'm on day 2 of that. The mornings are always hardest, waking up alone in an empty apartment, driving to work the same route we took every day for 2 years, etc...

 

Doing all that routine that used to be shared alone.

[owmart]

I feel your pain. I hated world of warcraft but i have played just about ever MMORPG out there. I can imagine how cool it would be to have someone to play with. Well, your not alone. I agree with b625 and go the route of NC

[Melchior]

I feel your pain. I hated world of warcraft but i have played just about ever MMORPG out there. I can imagine how cool it would be to have someone to play with. Well, your not alone. I agree with b625 and go the route of NC

 

 

The funny thing is that I got her into playing it; she was completely not a gamer before that, and I even bought her the brand new computer she uses for xmas last year.

[BrokenTinMan]

I'm sorry youre going through this.

 

I understand what you're going through - completely.

 

Despite everything they've done to hurt us, we couldn't hate them even if we tried. In our eyes they are automatically forgiven. Its really messed up.

 

I know what you're saying about the daily routines you've attached to the ex. Every little thing will remind you of that person. Highways, store corners, songs on the radio, commercials on tv, the very scent in the air...

 

One advice I can give you that's helped me somewhat, is to try, TRY your best to emphasize all the horrible things your ex did to you. I know its hard, but it will help drag them off the pedestal. I have to watch myself all the time, because its natural for me to adore the ex and forget about all the abuse. I love him after all. But we have to be vigilant, and really put in an effort to hate the ex for now. That's the only thing that's been keeping me rational these days. Because I tend to indulge myself with visions of reconciliation. We all know, those don't help at all...

 

There is a thread here, about writing down the RED FLAGS you chose to ignore about your ex. I found that it helped me see things a little clearly. When I read it, it sort of chases away the fond thoughts I had for the ex. I don't know how long the effects will last. But for now, at least for now, its helping.

 

I suggest you check it out and maybe add a few of your own.

 

Cheers. Hope today is a little better for you

[Melchior]

Actually, today had some necessary contact that helped give me a few things to "hold against her" so to speak; i'm still using her car for work as I need a car at work; I had my own car until about 3 weeks before we split but it was totalled in an accident (that I got into due to my crappy mental state due to our talks about ending it) and when I got the payout for the car, we were back together and tryin gto start over, and she wasn't working so she said i could use her car for a while, so I used my payout to buy a whole bunch of new furniture to redecorate our place, you know, help start over, and then before it's even delivered she leaves; so there went my car. Long story short i'm using hers because over the last 4 years i've been the one that kept it running, did all the work on it, paid insurance etc... and now without giving me a chance to replace my lost car she wants hers back immediately despite all i've put into it and that i'm only stuck because I was buying things for us when she knew she was going to leave me in a few days and didn't say anything other than a very vauge hint of "only buy it if you like it" at the checkout counter...

 

The worst part? She currently doesn't work, is living with her father, who has TWO car, and won't be getting a new job for months, whereas I need it m-f 9-5 for my job (I provide service calls and am expected to provide my own transport).

 

So, after I got off the phone with her, I was like "wow, 4 years of her saying "it's basically your car now" and she can't wait two weeks for me to buy another car while she has nearly zero need for one". That definitely went a long way in the "cons" column.

[BrokenTinMan]

There you go. She sounds really inconsiderate to me. From the way she acted it seems she was only thinking of herself. She may tell you things to make you feel better after the break up, but remember that actions speak louder than words. The way she makes it hard for you with the whole car situation after she already pretty much turned your world upside down when she had her affair, speaks VOLUMES. She is only thinking of herself.

 

Try to focus on that. I know she has a lot of endearing qualities, all our exes do, why else would we love them? But for now, focus on the bad things. It may help you.

[DayHell]

i feel your pain man, it sounds similar to my break up. a few things you said just leapt off the page:

The things we'd fight about basically extended from her what I now see as her being unhappy with who she is in life compared to who she wanted to be. Eventually she figured out that the root cause for her was us; that within our dynamic there was something keeping her from being happy. So the bottom line was that the reason we had stayed together for basically the last year was because of my vision of a bright shiny future; that vision came so easily to me. She tried to work for it and share it, but she didn't in the end and her core, her instincts, were making her unable to be happy deep down with her life.

i can relate to that so much. she was in a dead end job, was failing her classes, disliked her friend group and in general wasn't all that happy with how her life was. i was her rock, and told her we'd get through it all, i comforted her when she got down and encouraged her to do things to make her happier. i guess on the surface she kept telling me she loved me and wouldn't know what to do without me, but inside i think she was longing for change. for some reason she thought the solution was to go and be single and find herself. i couldn't understand, she got rid of the one stable thing in her life that she loved and that was there for her. anyways a month later she found a new bf and today, 3 months later is still with him. she still has the same job she hates, talks to her friends even less, and has left her uni course... baffles me.

 

For 3 weeks after we broke up we still shared our house too. We still got on really well, even flirted a little and slept together numerous times. We had a fight after about 2 weeks at which point she muttered "i can't believe i was thinking of getting back with you"

very cold.

 

part of me thinks that after some time she may realize that being with me doesn't limit her in being anything she wants. I'm not demanding or controlling, I have no agenda or hidden plan other than to live life with her by my side, or at least that's what it used to be. Now I just need to get over this.

i completely understand you here. but believe me, NC is going to be the best route. It's 3 months after our break up, 2 since NC and it's helped me immensely. Only now having read your post, and being reminded of where i was at a few months ago, can i see how beneficial NC has been. Keep thinking about all the cons of the relationship, and any time you think of her coming to her senses and coming back to you realize no matter what happens or what she says any future relationship will never be the same.