Please help - all he says is "I don't know" about us

[pleasenotagain]

My fiance and I have been together for over 3 years. It's a long distance relationship. We email almost constantly and talk on the phone and see eachother about once a month.

 

When things are good between us, they are really amazing and we are very happy. We have had some problems in the past. We've broken up a few times. But one of us always comes back because we are miserable being apart, and we miss eachother too much.

 

I will be the first to admit that I am not always easy... I'm very intense and passionate and we are different in a lot of ways. For his part, he's a big time distancer and emotional avoider. We agree and are compatible on all the big issues that usually break people up -- money, sex, politics, religion, values, etc. It's the little things that seem to be our issues and we deal with communication problems very differently.

 

Lately we've had two big fights. After the first one, I apologized and realized I had some issues to work out, started therapy and all that. He was skittish for a few days but then supported me and things were great again.

 

After this latest fight -- which was about him doing something I was very uncomfortable with -- we haven't spoken in 4 days. The fight happened and turned into a 3 hours phone call with him bringing up everything I have done to him, bringing up fights and problems fro almost 2 years ago that I thought were resolved.

 

He said he doesn't think we work anymore. He said he is leaning toward being done. He said he doesn't know how he feels and that he feels "switched off" from me. From us. But he's said that before and he always comes back.

 

I actually told him, very calmly, that I was pretty tired of this and that if he's done, then be done. Walk away forever. He said he doesn't know. That's all he says... I gave him several chances to end it... and he just says he doesn't know.

 

That was 4 days ago and now he's ignoring me. At first I tried calling him, but I have stopped that.

 

I don't want to break up. He's really mad right now. He can be the sweetest man on earth but when he gets like this he's so cold and has no compassion. he just ignores me for days on end.

 

Why can't he just end it if he's done? And if he is unsure, then why can't we talk about it TOGETHER?

 

I don't know what to do! But I cannot take losing him again. He isn't perfect but I adore him and have never felt this connection with anyone.

[Jayar]

First of all, everything about you from your username to each word of your post practically REEKS of desperation. That is unattractive, I don't care HOW great he might have thought you were at the beginning. Guys lose interest in girls that are desperate, they just do.

 

Secondly, the reason he is on the fence when you tell him to "just be done with it if you are done" is because THAT sort of "dont eff with me" attitude will draw him in just as reliably as the rest of your persona pushes him away. If there's one thing I'll give this case and your guy, it's that he's about as darn near predictable as one can get.

 

Since your "just be done with it" attitude draws him in, why don't you tell him that you're done with the mind games, you don't want to see or talk to him unless and until he's serious, and at this point in time you are not with him. It's up to HIM how long the situation stays that way, but don't let it be up to him whether you hang on or not.

[barbielovesmac]

The thing that stands out the most for me is the fact that he is bringing up crap from two years ago. That's very childish & immature. What good does bringing up old stuff do but make matters worse? You cannot change the past . . . so why mention it?

 

God I hate that!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Hmm, it sounds like he is not big on conflict and thereforeeee stores up his grievances rather than dealing with them as they come up. Not good. He probably avoids conflict and discussion whereas you probably want to work things out as they happen....so when he doesn't want to talk, you get angrier and angrier until you blow...so then it looks like you have anger issues when it is really down to the fact that you reach your limit when he avoids discussing issues. See, look what happened when he avoided the issues he had with you...he eventually blew as well and it all came pouring out. The big issue here is communication...he doesn't communicate...and perhaps you don't communicate in a very effective way. Let him ignore you...just go about your life...he is ignoring you to get a rise out of you...don't play into that. Just wait until he is ready to act like an adult and talk to you. You may be in therapy but I hope he is too...because he doesn't have very good communication and conflict resolution skills.

[StretchGee]

It sounds like he has already broken up with you. If he is the avoidant type, then ignoring you for days is an easy way to do the breakup without confrontation. You said "walk away forever", and now he ignores you - maybe he has walked away.

 

Sorry.

 

Will he even answer e-mails? They are less confrontational than a phone call.

[pleasenotagain]

I don't think he's actually broken up with me. The reason I say that is because I asked him if he was and he said "No... I just don't know what to do." I told him that if he wanted to break up, just say it and we'd be done. He didn't say anything. I emailed him two days ago and he wrote back and was still very angry and said "I don't want to talk now." And that was the last I heard from him.

 

The thing that stands out the most for me is the fact that he is bringing up crap from two years ago. That's very childish & immature. What good does bringing up old stuff do but make matters worse? You cannot change the past . . . so why mention it?

 

God I hate that!

 

I know... I was surprised by that too. Especially when just a few weeks ago he was the one apologizing for causing the very fight he now blames me for. A fight from years ago that happened to come up in casual conversation. He was even kind of joking about it and saying that as mad as he was then he still felt very close to me and it's one of his favorite memories because we were so close. Now he says that it's a main reason he's worn out. Huh?

 

And Jayar, as much as it hurts I know you're right about me seeming desperate. I know I do. In my defense, I really feel like if he would just stop shutting me out and leaving me hanging, I'd have a better footing. He's great when things are rosy. But at the first sign of conflict I always feel like I'm waiting for him to dump me. Again. Sometimes it is a constant yo-yo.

 

Of course, I could tell him to leave me alone and contact me if and when he ever figures out what he wants. But I'm scared to do that because he might not ever come back. Everyone in my life asks me why I put up with this all the time and all I can ever say is that I love him and I believe in him.

 

Crazyaboutdogs... it's weird that you say that. He does always accuse me of being angry. Most of our fights happen because he withdraws even when things are going fine... and I call him on it. Then he denies and turns things around on me, and then I cry and get really upset and he says I am angry and hysterical.

 

Ugh. I'm tired of this, sometimes it does feel like a mind game.

[PixelPusher]

I'm sorry you're going through this. My X's and my past relationship was similar to yours in that we dealt with conflicts differently. She was very passionate and heated and wanted to deal with it then and there... and I just internalized everything. Which then tended to come out in explosive passive/aggressive behavior. I've learned a lot though and always deal with things calmly now. Which means there is hope for you two.

 

BUT he has to be willing to modify his behavior, too. If you get heated and he backs down and internalizes then you have some road blocks to overcome. Especially if you guys are like this in a LDR. Just think how it will be when you're together all the time?

 

Point is... you two need to come halfway. If either one of you isn't willing to do this, then it's not going to work. And if he has already shut down, then there isn't anything you can do. If you've tried to contact him, you've done all you can. I'd give him another few days and if no word from him... then YOU need to internally end it. Don't even bother calling him... just move on with your life because he's not worth the conflict.

[richmonder80]

All I can say is that this guys is extremely immateur, holding grudges and not answering calls like a high schooler. I don't care how mad you are, as an adult you don't cut off communication everytime you get upset...that's what a kid does.

 

Another thing, do you really think you guys will make it if you guys were to get married? On and off relationships never work, they end up breaking for good, it is just matter of time that this happens.

 

You guys are holding on to each other for the fact that both of you are scared of being alone.

 

If you guys feel that you cant live without the other, why are you in a LD relationship in the first place? Personally, I'd find a way to be with them if she REALLY was the one.

 

I don't think you guys are really crazy about each other, the fear of being alone is holding you two together. Break it off and find a better match.

[Maya_A]

The continued "on-off" aspect, doing silent treatment grudges, and the long distance set-up of your relationship lends a lot of insight into both of your inner states of being at the moment.

 

The perfect partner for someone aloof, indifferent (at times), and brooding is someone higher on the scale of "clinging" or attachment, at all costs to the self. It is inner stuff getting played out between the two of you. This can be a great thing where two people are able to recognize this and heal these things within themselves and each other via the way of a conscious relationship. Where it is unconscious, gut level interaction it only further solidifies patterns within you both so that you are very likely to repeat them & cause more self (& other) suffering.

 

As gut-wrenchingly painful, scary, unwanted as it may be, it might be best for the two of you to end it (& with no contact) and do some self work, spending some time single before getting into another relationship.

 

Many years ago my heart would have sank to hear a reply like that to my own question, and I'd have searched for rationale in other replies that supported my thinking (wanting things to keep going) more... In hindsight, I always knew intuitively what I needed to do. Maybe try to get in touch with your intuition here as well... Feel what it is telling you about you in all of this, him in all of this, and you two together in all of this......

 

All the best to you...

[pleasenotagain]

It's now been 5 days and I haven't heard a word.

 

If this was happening to a friend of mine, I'd tell her it's over. But my BF just doesn't do things this way. It's too cruel. It can't be that he just plans to leave things totally unresolved and simply never contact me again.

 

So I don't know what he could possibly be thinking. Is there any chance that the longer he takes to think, the more things could end up working out somehow?

 

I have not contacted him at all. I realize how awfully needy I have been so that's at least one thing I can do.

 

I would like to thank everyone for their advice. It means a lot.