Preconceptions

[Ben Bax]

You know how you see the big muscular guy, shaved head, bit of a mean look about him walking down the street

and he's instantly labelled as 'a hard nut' , when in fact he might be the biggest softie out there

 

Well that's my trouble, except I get labelled a 'bad boy' or 'player' w/e you want to call it

It's actually starting to piss me off, sure I'm a little wild but not to the point where I'd walk over people without a care in the world

 

I get it from people at work, as though I don't give a * * * * which is odd because I can pretty much communicate with people on any level,

I'm hardworking, I'm polite, a good listener, I never ever talk behind people's backs and yet I still get this thing of being untrustworthy.

 

I get it from girls I chat to, in fact I can pretty much guarantee it'll get mentioned within 10 mins of conversation.

As though being polite and funny is just an act, a prelude to what they think I really want

Friday night, 2 girls I chatted to, said ' you're really nice but we all know bad boys are more trouble than they're worth...' if I try and deny it they think I'm playing a game....

 

Every girl I've had a relationship with has always said 'Oh I've always had a bit of a thing for bad boys'

In my head, I'm like 'Jesus...'

 

And this is the bit that concerns me, even in a relationship I'm still classed like it, when in my mind it's far from the truth

I've never cheated, I don't flirt if I'm with someone, I'm punctual, respectful, you name it, yet...I can't shake off this label

 

How on earth am I meant to portray myself without giving off these signals or am I always going to be labelled like the big, mean looking, shaved head guy?

[Chriz]

What do you think is the main reason you get this from people? Is it your appearance, your manner of speech?

[Konfetkette]

Well that's just the image, sorry

Unfortunately, people get labeled A LOT.

 

Say you're in a room with people. You might want to just mention how big of a problem you have with [insert an issue here].

Or try something on a smaller scale.

[Batya33]

I'm not sure why it should surprise you that a mean look on your face might trigger these kinds of reactions. Would you consider changing your facial expression to something more neutral and perhaps add a bit of warmth? What's your body language like - consistent with the mean look or not?

[Ben Bax]

Chriz: I honestly don't know, all of it I guess, It's been commented on quite a lot how I have a very physical presense when I enter a room, I do have a confident stance, as though I'm happy in any situation (even if I'm not) but thats just who I am, same with how I talk to people, I don't believe in being false at all

 

Konfetkette: Yes, true is it just an image, but one that affects my day to day life, and even gets maintained through LTR's

I'm also really not the type of guy to comment on things like that, to me it feels petty, I would feel like a whiner

 

Imagine going to work every day and feeling an undercurrent of distrust amongst your colleagues even though they have never had reason to distrust you

It makes me feel like pyscho boy, as though they're waiting for the explosion just so they can say 'told you so!'

 

Batya33: No thats not me, I was just using that as an example of preconception , if anything I have a happy go lucky, laid back appearance and attitude

[Batya33]

What do you mean by "I'm a little wild?"

[meagzt]

Everyone is labelled in some way whether they like it or not. You just have to look past what everyone says and find someone who's willing to except it.... I like to wear black.. it's a slimming color and it looks good with just about anything... but since I own quite a bi of black, everyone thinks I'm weird... But I just brush them off... they obviously don't know me.. same with you. If thwy want to assume that you're a "bad guy" then they don't know you.

[Ben Bax]

What do you mean by "I'm a little wild?"

 

Well, that I would do pretty much anything for a laugh and the experience, to hell with the consequences (providing it doesn't hurt anyone)

 

Everyone is labelled in some way whether they like it or not. You just have to look past what everyone says and find someone who's willing to except it.... I like to wear black.. it's a slimming color and it looks good with just about anything... but since I own quite a bi of black, everyone thinks I'm weird... But I just brush them off... they obviously don't know me.. same with you. If thwy want to assume that you're a "bad guy" then they don't know you.

 

Yes but they're things that you could choose to change if you wanted to, you have the choice right there to influence people's preconceptions of you.

What if you couldn't alter that without changing the essense of who you are?

 

And that's the point, after working with the same crew for 6 years they should know me well enough now,

Virtually all my relationships have been LT, rarely under 2 years, certainly long enough to get a good idea of someone and yet nothing changes

Bah, perhaps I'm just a 'bad boy' with a heart

[Sunshine75]

Unfortunately, I think it just happens.

 

Many people don't want to get past their initial impression of a person. However they thought you were when they first saw you, is how they always want to think of you. It mainly has to do with laziness and the unwillingness to be wrong.

 

I've been thought of as being a "stuck up B*tch" just because I'm attractive and can be shy in new situations so don't speak much. They think I'm aloof because I think I'm better than them. It's not true at all. I can show them who I really am forever, but most people only see what they want to see. It goes back to that saying, "You never get a second chance to make a first impression."

 

If you want to come off a different way to people, all I can suggest is that you act how you want to be perceived from the first impression. If you want to be liked for who you are, then just keep being yourself. Eventually the people who really want to know YOU will put forth the effort to do so.

[Chriz]

This is the same sort of thing shy people face, as mentioned by Sunshine75. Because shy people may not speak out, they may be perceived as either stuck up or uninterested or whatever else. Sometimes the shyness is obvious and people can't get past the fact that they're a shy person. Shy people would usually complain that others do not really get to see what a great person they are until they really put the effort in to really get to know them.

[Batya33]

It's hard to tell from the written word but OP from your response to me it sounds like you like to be the center of attention and your priority is to get a laugh just for the experience. At some point, people will "get" that you care more about this - the one man show/center of attention - than about establishing connections and rapport with others and about making others feel comfortable around you.

[tylercdurden2004]

Maybe you are hanging out with the wrong people.

 

If you are a bit wild and like the extreme its natural that some people wont like that or even understand that.

 

I would classify myself as someone who is a bit (use that loosely) wild and extreme (in the sense of having fun). I dont really find a problem with relating to people. Some people dont trust me because of it some are drawn to me. In the end it has little bearing on my life as I simply cannot please everyone and be everything to everyone at all times.

 

Its not uncommon for people to misread me. EG one guy in university used to despise me because I was the student who engaged the teacher lots by asking questions etc. To the point he threatened to punch me in the throat if I didnt shut up! LOL

 

Funny thing was a bunch of us went on vacation to celebrate our graduation and he was there. During the end of the week he came up to me and said " * * * * man I had you read all wrong, here I thought you were a geek and only studied and now I see you partying harder than everyone else."

 

I can work 80 hours a week and party for 30 more. I can delve into a variety of things. what I found is that this scares some people. Usually people who like safety and security. But I see myself as being very adaptable in fact I would say most people who know me would say that. I also have good friends who take less risks than me and like the safety and security. I think its my adaptability that allows me to cross those boundaries.

 

My point is be what you what to be but as you noted as long as you arent "hurting" anyone. But ultimately understand that other will misunderstand you and some will never seek to understand you. You simply cant please everyone.

 

So enjoy being you.

[ghost69]

i get this all the time. some girls i talk to say that they wouldn't have talked to me if they knew i was the way i am. they thought i was a player or the like. but i don't let it bother me. if people want to judge me as that, that's their problem. i know me. i'm comfortable with me.

 

don't let it get you down.