What road should I follow?

[Deon]

Hi,

 

First of all, I came to this website - because I need advise - already got professional help (marriage counselors) - but it seems as if we are actually now more lost then ever in our relationship. Been married for almost four years - never really fight, communication were okay, but the last eight months, it’s been not that good. Thing is, we were good friends, had a lot in common, we lived only for each other and we did not have any serious relationships before our marriage. After we got married, nothing changed, we basically only stayed good friends like beforehand - the sex is not what it is supposed to be - that sparkle of "I want to touch you, hug you, kiss you, be with you" just never were there.

 

Problem is, we got married at an age of 24 - I think we were too young to make such huge decision. We have the utmost respect for each other, we have a nice house, and nice car...everything financially is fine. But through our whole relationship before and after marriage, there has been something missing and I know now that, that 'something', is going to stay there as long as we stay married to each other. My wife and I have spoken about this, for many hours, many days - and she said that she were never really happy in this marriage and feels like she has pushed me into getting married. She was the first one to talk about rings, marriage etc...But still it was my decision to get married. We are now both 29 years of age. No kids. My wife is beautiful, I have nothing bad to say about her and yes I do love her - but I believe not like a man should love his wife, but more like an "I love my friend" kind of way.

 

I know people, we have made a commitment before God, but is it really worth the while to stay in a marriage because you are afraid of what other people will think when you get divorced, or because you are afraid of the fact that you will be 'labeled' and end up alone forever? Our friendship was not a mistake, but we should never have married - there is no sexual attraction between us, I don’t have the willingness to hold her hand or to touch her, because we just continued our friendship relationship after marriage. This is not how marriage should be. As said we did visit a marriage counselor many times - I know there is nothing wrong with me - I do have that willingness to touch a woman, kiss a woman, but just not my wife. This is hard words, but believe me, many tears has been shed, this is now 9 months - we have tried counseling, we have tried everything - but the fact is, you cannot force that kind of love.

 

We need to make a decision NOW - we are both 29 years of age, we both want kids, but children are not going to fill the gap that has been lost in this marriage. We have a chance of starting over - a 'clean' break without children involved. I know I will have to ask God for forgiveness should we decide to divorce, but at this stage, I think it is the only and last option. Sometimes people make mistakes - I know this is a bad mistake - many people are involved - but we have to look at OUR lives, not those involved (family) - because we still have a good life ahead of us and I believe we could get through this and just maybe, still be good friends afterwards.

 

People not only get divorced because of verbal and physical abuse - I think sometimes it happens that people just does not have that connection between them.

 

Last thing, it is NOT only about the sex, it is more about the missing parts, passion, kissing, hugs and SHOWING that you love the person - all of these are the main reason why this marriage cannot go on like this. We did not have sex before marriage - I think there is allot of things we would never have known if we did not get married. Understand me correctly, we both come from very conservative houses, no one has been divorced in our families - so this is not an "easy way out" situation.

 

People are quick to throw rocks at someone that talks about divorce, but tell me one thing - many people have many relationships before they get married, usually they sleep around with many partners, then dumps that person and just continue in the next relationship - with that, people have no problem, but when two people whom never had sex before marriage, got into a serious relationship with each other, got married and then realize that it were a mistake - then people have a problem with that. Life is hard and not always understandable - I am not here to get sympathy or anyone’s approval - because people are always easy to judge others. All I am asking is, what road do you people think I should follow?

 

Stay in a marriage with the 'hope' that everything will someday be okay - or get out NOW, without any children - start to heal the wounds and go on with our lives and next time MAKE sure that everything is in place should we get married again with someone else. I know for a fact that I will not marry again if I do not have that certainty - yes I did have some doubts before I got married, but did not think that it were too serious and believed at that stage that it were the right thing to do. I just want my wife to be happy, yes I also want to be happy - I think a successful life is all about the fact that you are able to say you are happy in your relationship/marriage. I am listening, please help.

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Deon, and welcome to ENA,

 

Yes, it does sound as though each of you feels you have made a mistake, and what other people think about divorce would have little bearing for me.

 

Plenty of the faithful have been divorced, worse to continue an unworkable marriage, that would be foolish...

 

Also, if it is driving or will drive you to infidelity...

 

I would really have a lot of conversations before I threw in the towel, but divorce would be a viable option as far as I were concerned and I am a Christian.

 

Good luck and best wishes.

 

Jeff

[Deon]

Hi Jeff, I appreciate the feedback. I will never me unfaithful to my wife and I know she will never be unfaithful to me. This is really just a situation of a married couple staying together like best friends. Many people like to have friends with 'benefits' - but in this scenario, we have too much respect for each other to just stay in this marriage for the 'benefits'. As said, it has been 9 months now - still the hurt is there and I know we are both going to be devastated should we get divorced - but to be honest, I don’t think it is something that we are going to prevent. The counselor also said that she thinks it is best if we were to get divorced. Marriage is there for a reason, just like friendship - one need to make sure that the marriage part is not just a continuation of the friendship. We can not live our lives based on what other people think - we need to live our lives based on what is best for each of us. When I see other couples, hugging, touching, kissing....it breaks my heart, because that is something that we SHOULD have and that is something that we both want - but sexual attraction is not something that you can force, it should come naturally. I am devastated here where I am sitting right now. I know I am probably going to loose a good friend...and a lovely wife, but I will not regret for getting married to her - we will both come out stronger and more matured then ever. She has made me a better man; she deserves better than what she currently has.

[Deon]

O yes...I just need to add...we genuine had many conversations, believe me, we have been through allot...this is why I came to this website. My wife is currently in Scotland, for work, comes back within three weeks time - we both agreed that we needed the space apart. We need to make a decision when she is back - we cannot continue like this. She is a very sensitive woman - I am sooo afraid of how she will handle the whole divorce situation - she has a history of minor depression and I believe that this is definitely going to 'break' her. They say people accept death more easily than a divorce - because with the first part, there is a body at least. I can understand that today. My have learned to spend time with friends and not only live for each other - she on the other hand is only living for me - this means she is very much dependant on me, which makes it difficult. I just want to see her smile again and be happy. I don’t believe I will be able to provide her with that - too much has been said - words are something you cannot erase.

[Jeffrey2095]

Yes, I can appreciate your tribulation over this, it is never easy, there is always something there or people wouldn't get married in the first place.

 

A friend once told me something... "Jeff, you are going to have to make some breaks in this world, just try and make em clean." (honorable)

 

My own father married and divorced the same woman twice before he met my mother and married her. (and divorced 3 years later)

 

I guess you just got married, thinking it was the thing young people should do...

 

At least you are "friends" as you say, try and preserve that if you do get divorced.

 

Better a quality friendship than an unhappy marriage.

 

Jeff

[d24]

friendship like that is what you need when you're 50+, when you just need to be content and happy with a partner that understands you - when the physical stuff starts to mean much less.

 

This isn't what you want in your late 20's early 30's. You want passion, excitement, that 'spark' as you put it.

 

I'm not going to say throw in the towel, but I will say that if my gf and I got to that 'friends' stage before we were properley settled with kids growing up etc... I'd be very upset and would consider what you're thinking about. And I'd probably leave.

 

Best of luck to you - make sure you are VERY open in communicating everything with her and make sure you're both on the same page?

[Deon]

Thank you Jeff. Thing is we have been apart now for two weeks, still another two weeks to go - she is gone for business. This is a good 'test' - because I can genuine say that I miss her only as a friend and can see now that if we were to get divorced, that I will be able to go on. Her on the other hand, she is going to find it difficult. I just wish life were not so complicated! But I agree, a quality friendship is better than an unhappy marriage.

I know for a fact that what we have - it is not how a marriage is supposed to be.

[Deon]

Thanx tuxthecutey -I also believe we are now in a stage were most people in their 50+`s event aren’t - there are absolutely no passion, this is wrong. We were young and stupid, we wanted to have the ideal life of being married, having kids etc.....nothing wrong with that, we just were not matured enough to realize that we are not meant for marriage.

[Aleadragonhawk]

It sounds like you've already made your decision and want reassurance that it's the right one. Is it? Maybe, maybe not. But you aren't happy the way that you are right now. If you've tried everything to bring passion into your relationship and nothing worked, and that passion is necessary for you to be happy, then it is time to move on. Don't let the stigma of divorce keep you in an unhappy marriage.

[Deon]

aleadragonhawk - Yeh I agree. you cannot force passion - if it has not been there, then it is ` difficult task to get something back that has never been there. Life after divorce - how long does it take to heal again - I know people differ - but what is the overall treatment afterwards that you get when you have been divorced, do single people look at you in another way - I assume it is more difficult to get into a serious relationship again because people are afraid that you will make the same mistake with them again??

[Timebandit]

It sounds like you've already made your decision and want reassurance that it's the right one.

 

I second that observation. From the way you describe how you feel it seems like you have already 'checked out'. Nothing wrong with that.

 

But if you are not going to fight for it then you will be better of in the long run by ending it. I am not blaming you, just observing.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with the others...if you never felt romantic passion for your wife then you basically married your good friend. While a husband and wife should definitely be best friends, there should also be the romantic spark which brings the relationship to a higher level. You can't force that to happen and it looks like the two of you tried to make it work but it just hasn't happened. If it hasn't happened up until now, it is not going to suddenly magically happen in the future. I agree that you should end the marriage and both find someone with whom you feel the very deep connection ...friendship AND passion. People will always talk...but in the end it is just the two of you in this not so happy union...and it is only the feelings and decisions of the two of you which count. Everyone else will gossip and put in their own two sense...and then forget about it because they have their own life's problems to deal with. You have to live your life for you, not for idle gossip.

[Deon]

Timebandit: Thank you for the response, appreciate it. You are right - I think I have already decided to go down the divorce road. I came upn this website, just because I wanted to hear some more opinions, because most of you propably have already gone trhough this. Thing is, I am so glad for every second spend with my wife - as said, she is a spectacular woman, I am not here to judge here or to blame anyone. I only have myself to blame for the decision that I made to get married too soon. I will always love her as my best friend. We can not continue living our lives just to keep our friends or family.....we are living togeteher 24/7 and that is why it would give me great pleasure to see my wife happy, even (as much as it hurts) if it is with another man.

[Deon]

CrazyAdogs: I just needed to here that - I think you have said everything that I already knew, but just had to hear again. Nothinh associated with divorce is good - but I believe that something good could come from this decision - we will both be given a second chance, something not everyone always get in life. If the passion exist and the true husband-wife love exist, then I believe a couple could overcome any problem.

[richmonder80]

The problem is that you think that the "spark" is suppose to be there forever, that the "falling in love" phase is supposed to last forever. Here is the truth and reality to all those out there IT DOESN'T LAST FOREVER!!!

 

Sadly, your wanting to divorce (both your and your wife) is driven by desire for more sex (whatever you are trying to spin it as "it is more about the missing parts, passion, kissing, hugs and SHOWING that you love the person") It is a marriage, if you want those things, you have to work at it, give effort.

 

It such BS when people say, "He/She is just my best friend", so are you saying that you should marry someone who isn't your best friend? That once you get married your spouse shouldnt be your best friend?

 

The grass seems greener on the otherside but it isn't. The dating world is brutal. People take their partners foregranted and never realize how good they have it until they lose it.

 

If you really think it's not going to work btwn you two, then you have to do what you guys think it is best for you.

 

By the way, professional help is only as good as the effort you put into it.

[Jeffrey2095]

aleadragonhawk - Yeh I agree. you cannot force passion - if it has not been there, then it is ` difficult task to get something back that has never been there. Life after divorce - how long does it take to heal again - I know people differ - but what is the overall treatment afterwards that you get when you have been divorced, do single people look at you in another way - I assume it is more difficult to get into a serious relationship again because people are afraid that you will make the same mistake with them again??

 

Hi Deon,

 

Some people just might think that way, but I bet they would be few, and do you really care what people like that think?

 

Some people will form negative opinions no matter what the circumstance, you can't let that be a decision maker for you in a thing like this.

 

Both of you being happy is more important.

 

You are both still young too, better now than waiting until you are much older.

 

Here at ENA it is a lot about healing after break-ups, I'm sure you will find dozens if not a hundred threads on this topic.

 

It will take a length of time to heal, most don't get over it in a few weeks anyway.

 

Just realize that you are doing what's best for both of you and the stigma of divorce is nothing like it was years ago, I wouldn't even bring it up until you are getting close to a new person in your next relationship...

 

Good luck and I hope it works out well for all concerned.

 

Jeff

[Crazyaboutdogs]

In the OPs case, the spark was never there to begin with...there was never any romantic love...just friendship love. Just because the dating world is brutal doesn't mean you should settle for someone just so that you have someone around. There should be deeper connection between spouses that goes beyond simple friendship...it is something deep within you and either it is there or it is not....I am not talking about the fluffy romantic feelings of the honeymoon period and infatuation, I am talking about a very deep connection of the heart, body and soul....not something you find in people who are simply very good friends.

[Deon]

Richmonder80 - That is where you make the mistake my friend - as CrazyADogs said, the spark were never there to begin with. I did not say that married couples could not be best friends also - the problem is when it STAYS at being best friends. To put it in another way - she feels like a sister to me. You really think I want to divorce because of the lack of sex? WRONG - there is a thread from a lady with a similar situation then mine - they have enough sex, but still feel the same. Sorry, but you got it all wrong, it is not about the sex, the sex plays a small role in this whole situation - one day when the sex is anyway not going to be that regular - then the couple should be able to concentrate on that things that I were referring to: touching, showing love, kissing etc....many couples have friends with 'benefits' - I am not going to stay in this marriage just because of the sex - life is about more things. Please try to understand, that it IS possible to make a mistake like we did, it is only human.

 

Lastly, what makes you think that we did not put enough effort into the professional help? The professional people were the ones that said that they think it would be better if we DIVORCE now - if we have listened to them, then we would have been divorced already, but we still tried afterwards. What is the purpose of professional help anyway? If it is clear that a Divorce is the only option in this case - why could you still go and make assumptions that we did not put enough effort into it?

[Deon]

Jeff: You are the reason why I came to this website - I need some help and with what you said, you helped me a great deal, thank you for that.

 

CAD: You have the ability to sum people up quite good. I think you have done it better then the shrink that we made use of. Thank you for your help.

 

Just an overall question: Do you think my wife, at 29, still has enough time to heal, find love and have kids? I’ll be okay, it is going to take me a while, but I am deeply concerned about how this is going to affect her afterwards.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Will your wife still have time to heal, find love and have kids..absolutely. Even if she was 39 I would still say that it is better to be alone than in an empty marriage, even if the kids thing is getting dicey.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think that if you are *only* feeling friendship and not emotional and physical passion, then you shouldn't be married to her. i think it will get harder and not easier to stay faithful, and it is better to leave now before there are children involved.

 

one can have many many good friends, but your spouse is the one person you have vowed to have sex with, and not to have sex with anyone else. so if there is no sexual passion at all, then it was a wrong choice. sex is the bond that really deepens love and keeps the couple committed. if the sexual attraction isn't there, it makes the marriage very vulnerable to temptation and takes one of life's prime joys away from you both.

[Deon]

BeStrongBeHappy - so true. I am really disappointed in myself that I have made the mistake to marry such a good woman, she don’t deserve the whole divorce trauma - but believe me, I have done everything to get rid of this empty feeling inside me, but it is not going to go away and in the meantime, I am also making my wife miserable. We have known each other for 11 years now, going to be married for 4. I am going to loose a very good friend, but I have realized that by staying in this marriage, I will be miserable for the rest of my life, by going, my wife will also have the opportunity to be happy again. If it happens that I find no one again after the divorce, then it is okay with me, it would give me great pleasure if my wife could be happily married again. Everyone deserves to be happy - what we have is not the 7 year itch - this is more than that. At least both of us will be stronger coming out of this divorce - it is going to be painful, but we will survive.

[soThisIsLife]

Completely sympathize with you, my wife is the nicest, kindest person I know. Yet we are just glorified best friends and it is awful. I feel like I have tried everything to resolve it and doesn't seem to be much you can do.

[Deon]

soThisIsLife - why are you staying in the marriage then? We all only have one chance at life - yes, life is not only about being the good guy - sometimes we make bad' decisions - that is life - but that does not mean that we should stop living. Focus on what you need to do to ne able to say you are happy within your marriage/relationship. Good luck to both of you....YOU AND your wife.