Does your mind play tricks on you?

[BrokenTinMan]

Mine does. Somehow I've convinced myself (AGAIN) that my ex might be thinking of me

 

I blame Myspace. There is a song on my profile called Hide and Seek. I think my ex was influenced by its lyrics and used it for his headline. Just last Saturday, he changed his headline to: "EX hangs his head heavy."

 

The original lyrics goes...

"when busy streets a mess with people

would stop to hold their heads - heavy..."

 

Its far-fetched right? I know its my imagination and my grief that's doing this. I want to believe so bad in reconciliation that my mind has started to play tricks on me. I want to make a connection with the ex so bad that I'd grab on to anything, imaginary or not.

 

In the 4 years we've been together, I know its in his nature to play around with subtle hints, and he knows how subtle hints are easily picked up by me. He also knows how showing signs of depression or worry would always make me come running to his side. He knows me well, and I think he uses it to his advantage.

 

I guess I'm posting this because I need to hear it from you guys... That its all in my head. The headline has nothing to do with me. Or if there is any connection at all, the ex is just trying to mess with my head, right?

[AnxiousGirl]

I see a bit of a connection, but don't look into these sorts of things at all. You can't hold onto some quote on his Myspace page, and you shouldn't even be looking at his Myspace page if you truly want to heal.

 

It's so hard to fully let go, but you have to start releasing your grip, so you can start to move on. Don't grasp at straws. Look at ACTIONS not WORDS. Many people don't stand behind their words. Promises are broken, and so are hearts, all the time.

 

If he wants you he will have to do a lot more than drop subtle hints. If he knows you'll come running to his side when he does these things then he's just being selfish. In a way, he's not letting go of you either.

 

Show him your strength and courage (I know you have it!) and don't contact him, don't look at his Myspace page, don't run to him if you think he's depressed. There are licensed professionals who deal with that sort of thing. If he needs help he should seek it from other sources. When he left you, he also left your emotional support behind! Don't let him push your buttons. You're WAY better than that

[BrokenTinMan]

Anxious, thanks that helps me a lot. ACTIONS over WORDS. I have to keep repeating that to myself. I am grasping at straws, its a desperate feeling. There is nothing to be seen in this, and nothing to be gained.

 

Hearing your take on this is helpful. Let me have some more guys. Pound it in my head. I need a little bit more lecturing!

[AnxiousGirl]

TinMan, Sometimes you have to really hit rock bottom before you can climb back up to the top. One day you're going to wake up and think "I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired." There will come a day where you won't feel like crying anymore. It takes some of us a while to get there, but that day does come along.

 

Why are you going to waste your precious life wanting someone who doesn't want to be with you? While you're sitting at home crying your eyes out until they're the size of golf balls, do you think your ex is doing the same? Probably not. Because if he loved you as much as you love him and was that upset being away from you he would do everything in his power to get you back. He wouldn't just be dropping "subtle hints." He would have to pick up a phone, explain himself, and ask you to meet with him.

[Levora14]

Please, please don't check his sites. It is never a good idea. Trust me. After I stopped looking and erased my ex I have never felt more relieved. Every time you look at them, it sets you back to square one.

[arwen]

I agree with Levora. Checking myspace or other sites like blogs, facebooks or fora where you know him to be posting... it's an indirect way of having contact with the ex and it keeps you from moving on. I think in a way it's even more dangerous than actual contact, because this is all very implicit. You attach meaning to everything he puts on there because you are LOOKING for that meaning, looking for a sign, etc. And this is very natural, your heart is broken.

 

However, it's not the best way to heal- healing in a way means closing a chapter. You keep on writing in that chapter, by adding 'signs' of possible reconciliation. How about making an agreement with yourself that says 'at least 2 weeks no checking any websites of the ex'? See what it will do for you. Open up a journal here to keep track of it. I think you will soon find that not looking for signs makes you feel a lot stronger.

 

Arwen

[BrokenTinMan]

Please, please don't check his sites. It is never a good idea. Trust me. After I stopped looking and erased my ex I have never felt more relieved. Every time you look at them, it sets you back to square one.

 

Thanks, Lev. I'll do my best. I've tried it successfully before... but he helped me out by quickly finding a rebound and posting sweet pics of both of them on there. I knew better than check. But now that he's single again... I feel like there i no immediate threat to my safety. Still I am aware that I'm setting myself back. I'll try !

[BrokenTinMan]

Hi Arwen, thanks for the advice. Your right about attaching meaning to every little thing. Its absurd. Its almost like I feed off it. I try to make the "imaginary meanings" to work in my favor... Some weird way of preserving a semblance of happiness.

 

I know that it hurts me in the long run. I'll weane myself off it. I think I'm still trying to hold on to some connection. Like, its my only open line to him... and I'm so afraid of the finality of closing it for good. Almost like... I don't want to forget about him, I don't want him to become a stranger to me. Very strange.

 

Also, there is that little bit of hope, that I might find some sign that he's willing to work things out.

 

I know, its psycho. Nothing good will come out of it, but more confusion...

[arwen]

Hi Arwen, thanks for the advice. Your right about attaching meaning to every little thing. Its absurd. Its almost like I feed off it. I try to make the "imaginary meanings" to work in my favor... Some weird way of preserving a semblance of happiness.

 

I can relate to this very much. When I first broke up with my ex (together 2 years then, 4 years in total)- I even assigned meaning to things that were not related to the ex at all. I'd tell myself things like 'if the next car that passes my house is red, he will come back to me'. I would do that all the time, it was insane. I was completely heartbroken and never thought I could get over that. However, I did move on. We got back together and broke up again. Then we got back together and I ended it for good. Yeah, I was stubborn in my belief that we belonged together. Now, 5 years later... I am completely happy with someone else and sometimes can't believe I let myself go through this. But I think in a way, it was necessary. I needed to learn from this.

 

Take care,

 

Arwen

[BrokenTinMan]

I even assigned meaning to things that were not related to the ex at all. I'd tell myself things like 'if the next car that passes my house is red, he will come back to me'. I would do that all the time, it was insane.

 

OH MY GOD. I do the same thing. Not with cars, but with other things.For example, in our last year's break up... I remember buying a wooden dummy (the one used in modeling when people sketch). I bought this about 2 weeks before we actually broke up. About a month into post break up, I somehow convinced myself that if I got rid of this dummy, he would return! So I threw it away (cost me $20 bucks). Well, he did return, but he broke up with me a year later.

 

Now, I'm eyeing this art-collage / inspiration board I made, also 2 weeks before we broke up. It took me hours complete it and a labor of love. I doubt I'll actually get rid of it, but the thought has crossed my mind a dozen times. I still do little things and actions that are completely unrelated to him though, in hopes of changing fate. Maybe its a symptom of an obsessive compulsive disorder, I don't know. But I'm trying not to succumb to these weird thoughts.

 

I was thinking of posting that here, but I was afraid people might think I'm crazy. Now I feel a little more normal and a little less strange. Thanks for posting, Arwen!

[arwen]

As we say in Holland 'Nothing human is strange to me'. I think it's the first time I have ever shared this with someone! So thanks for not thinking I am strange ... or we are both a bit peculiar. It's no more than a way to still have hope while all rational foundation for hope is gone.

 

I don't know if it's symptomatic of a disorder per se. I have been suffering from anxiety and depression, but that has been independent of relationships/break ups.

 

 

[renaissancewoman101]

Arwen and BrokenTinMan, I know what you guys mean. I used to do the same thing, where I say if "x" happens, then I'll get back my ex. I would do that with playing Solitaire. I would say if I won this game of Solitaire, that things would work out for me the way I wanted it.

 

Or if I would be able to get to this place on time, then I would get back with my ex.

 

Those were the days.

[PixelPusher]

It's one of the stages of grief: Bargaining. "If THIS happens, then it means..."

 

It's completely natural to think this way. That being said, you have to move your way through it. What he is doing MIGHT be subtle hints, but my guess is that it's not and it's your way of bargaining. Break complete contact and DO NOT check his myspace or facebook. It leads to a temporary "high" but an even deeper "low."

 

Think of it this way, too: Even if he WAS trying to be subtle, do you realize that it is him manipulating you? How is THAT loving in any way, shape, or form?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Forget about subtle hints and little clues thrown around...you can't act on those dangling carrots. If he hasn't contacted you and actually talked directly to you about reconciling and re-building, then all the little clues in the world are irrelevant and you shouldn't get your hopes up based on those clues. If he wants to be with you he will be direct...not giving little clues that could mean one thing or another thing or countless other things. Ambiguity does not make for a healthy relationship...so unless he wants to cut the ambiguity and communicate properly, assume the status quo...that there is no relationship between the two of you.