Meeting exes in social situations - advice on how best to cope with this?

[rosie76]

I genuinely don't want my ex back and his behavior throughout the breakup has made me lose all of my respect and most of my fondness for him. But I'm still quite upset knowing he'll be at a party I'm meant to attend this week. I think most of it is useless ego-related stuff where I'm angry and disillusioned he treated me as badly as he did after our year together. This should be easier to deal with than genuine missing him and loving him, but I'm still feeling maybe I should just avoid the whole situation. Any tips on how to keep the appropriate 'it's his problem things are bad between us and these are my friends' type mindset through this?

[annie24]

are you sure you want to go? i would try and pretend like he is a coworker or neighbor you barely know. ie, be polite, but distant. say hi if he walks in, and continue your far more interesting conversation with whoever you were talking to.... good luck, i know it's not easy!!!

[KermitGirl22]

I'm up against a very similar situation, so you are in "good company"

 

Few things you can try:

 

1) write down every possible scenario that could happen (you see him and he's an ass, you see him and he's all over you, you see him with another girl, etc.) and then write down what your action would be for each scenario. Kind of a good way to make yourself feel that you are fully prepared for anything that could be thrown your way.

 

2) bring a date, even if a platonic one

 

3) see if you can help "host" the party -- arrive early, help out, etc. (i'm not sure what kind of party it is). this way, you can have the upper hand the entire time.

 

Hope this helps! Now I am going to take ALL of my own suggestions and hope that one of them works!

 

Good luck.

[Shiranai]

If I'm in your shoes, I'd arrive, look gorgeous, and bring a stunning date (even if we're not dating.)

 

Be civil to him, and not allow any more than "Hello, how's the weather today."

[Batya33]

I think you got great advice. It's not easy - it can be awkward but what you were told should work like a charm. If it makes you feel better I pride myself on being very good at staying cool and pulled together around an ex. But a few weeks ago, on my way back to my office with lunch, I ran into an ex from over 12 years ago (!) walking towards me. I know that he works accross the street (I have only worked in that location for about 6 months).

 

I don't know what came over me but in the three seconds I saw him see me, I gave a small, smug smile and quickly looked the other way in a "I don't want to deal with you right now" way- it was not exactly "cool" and maybe it was even a little rude. Sometimes you can't control the reaction.......

[stella74]

^ I've been there. LOL Better to err on the side of being aloof sometimes. Think how awkward it would have been if you'd erred on the side of being too nice.

[renaissancewoman101]

being nice is not a bad thing either.

 

Shows you hold no grudge against your ex and that it doesn't bother you.

[Batya33]

There's a difference though between being nice and overdoing it. For example, in my example, if I had stopped him on the street to say hello and chat when it was obvious we were both going back to our offices for lunch and he was with a co-worker/friend that would have been too nice and perhaps misinterpreted as some sort of interest in being in contact. If I could do it all over again I would not have looked away as quickly as I did and perhaps given a slightly warmer smile.

 

I vote for polite but keeping one's distance -not affirmatively going over to the ex to chat/say hello if possible.

[rosie76]

Thanks for the advice all - will try it as I'd be disappointed in myself for skipping out on my friends to avoid an awkward situation he created. There will be twinges of upset, I think, but I'll just try to focus on how much I don't want him back rather than let me ego focus on his poor treatment of me at the end.

 

The trickiest bit is that he dealt with the breakup after a years relationship by essentially going silent the week I left town for a new city. We'd already agreed we'd not be together after I went, but he was conflicted about seeing me in the time I had left, went all strange after sleeping with me the first time after the break-up has been agreed, and finally just avoided the problem until I'd gone, causing me no end of logistical headaches (he was meant to help me move and explicitly said he'd do this regardless of whether the relationship continued) and a tremendous amount of pain at the worst possible time. When it became clear what he was doing, I left it with a neutral but I hope kind email saying I understood he wanted space and I'd not be in touch again until he was. That was three weeks ago.

 

So on top of usual 'ex in the room' oddness, there's all this quite recent poor behaviour and overly-dramatic silence so emotions on my side will probably run quite high, even though I'm not missing him or our relationship much at the moment as the last month or so of it was a condensed lesson on all his worst traits. And we're officially in an NC-like set up. So hard to picture the talk about weather style exchange that wouldn't be ridiculous. Then again, I can just talk to other people, he may leave before I get there, or I can just not go - though I'd rather not give in to this. What a pain in the a**e, annoying, and so unnecessary as the breakup had been largely amicable and quasi-mutual until he just stopped talking.