Internet and relationship

[Melody77]

Hi,

 

I have just read a thread a person posted regarding her bf e-mailing some girl through his facebook page.

 

I have a question. My husband has a myspace page (I don't - I just don't have time, lol). I can't see anything because it can be seen by "his friends" only and don't have his password. He says I can ask him to see it whenever I want to but I've never done it because it would make me feel bad to go through his stuff with him sitting right next to me and when he tells me that, he also does it a certain way, a way that makes me feel bad because I have jealousy issue (which I'm really working on).

 

We both have e-mail boxes - I don't know his password and he doesn't know mine. I wouldn't mine him having mine but he doesn't want me to have his because he says, since I'm jealous, I would be checking on him and it would make him feel bad, kinda of "unfairly accused" which he considers as really bad. He says it's important to him that I trust him and don't accuse him. Let me give you an example of who he is. If I say something, a little comment - really not argument or anything - just a little comment, he gets irritated or upset because I accuse him without any reason. For instance, like when he had a new coworker, I asked if she was pretty... and he's like I'm insinuating something so he gets upset.

 

Well, I let all that internet thing aside for a while but it really bothers me. I mean all my friends who are married know their husband/wife e-mail password, they usually have 1 e-mail address for the family. I also know that some of his girl friends are some "wannabe sexy" (like showing their bras when they get drunk, kissing other girls, I even saw pix of one of the them with a leash attached to her thong!!) He says he doesn't care about her and that he doesn't even approve. She's just a "crazy" friend and his other friends are more important.

 

Anyway, what do you think? I mean I trust my husband, I really don't think he would cheat on me but as far as "flirty" correspondence, I'm really not sure...

 

What are your experiences? Do you think it is okay to have separate e-mails without knowing each others' passwords? Should I check his myspace page??

 

Let me know please. Thank you!

[Lana0120]

If you know he receives that kind of stuff and you trust him, but aren't happy about it, just tell him that. Don't snoop, whatever you do. Best thing probably is though, to try and shrug it off... if you trust him and you're sure he's into you and doesn't have a porn addiction or something, what does it matter if he happens to look at a few raunchy photos he's sent by his female friends? If it does really bother you, just tell him though. Explain it's not that you don't trust him, just that it makes you feel uncomfortable... and how would he feel if you had male friends sending you such photos? That might get your point accross.

[Clementine orange]

I think it's normal to have separate email accounts and to not know each other's passwords. People have a right to some privacy I think.

Why don't you get a myspace and then add him. It only takes a minute to set up.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Well, I think it is okay to have separate emails and accounts. I have no idea what my bf's passwords are or anything.

 

The only thing that I disagree with is how your husbands handles your jealousy. You really can't help being jealous, so for him to get angry at a way that you feel seems wrong. My bf has been cheated on twice, so, needless to say, he is unbelievably jealous. He never says anything about it but I can just tell. I try to keep out of situations that will make him jealous, reassure him, etc.

 

Unless he gives you a reason to be suspicious, I wouldn't snoop around much, it'll just cause paranoia.

[wayoverit]

Better yet why don't you create an account with some nice pictures and add him, be a little flirty, and see if he bites. That will tell you what his intention is on there. Is it keeping in touch with friends? Or a hookup page?

[v-neck]

I disagree to an extent, your husband or wife should be able to be apart of anything you do. Now the only case i can see a problem having their email password is if they go to buy you something online thats a surprise and you open the email... everything else should'nt be a secret.

[melrich]

I don't think you have a "right" to know his passwords. Being in a relationship does not mean you give up your right to privacy.

 

He says it's important to him that I trust him and don't accuse him

 

However, I have seen over the years internet use become a pervasive problem for people in relationships. Secretive or extensive individual activity becomes a reason for suspicion.

 

In my relationship, my wife knows all my passwords and I know all hers. We never erase the history on our browser, we don't have individual emails, we never spend time on the internet behind closed doors. If we don't feel we can be open about it, we don't do it.

 

And for all that, I have never checked her activity and to the best of my knowledge she has never checked mine. But we both know our attitude is it is an open book. Anything else creates seeds which take on a life of their own.

[doyathink]

I disagree to an extent, your husband or wife should be able to be apart of anything you do. Now the only case i can see a problem having their email password is if they go to buy you something online thats a surprise and you open the email... everything else should'nt be a secret.

 

I don't think you have a "right" to know his passwords. Being in a relationship does not mean you give up your right to privacy.

 

 

 

However, I have seen over the years internet use become a pervasive problem for people in relationships. Secretive or extensive individual activity becomes a reason for suspicion.

 

In my relationship, my wife knows all my passwords and I know all hers. We never erase the history on our browser, we don't have individual emails, we never spend time on the internet behind closed doors. If we don't feel we can be open about it, we don't do it.

 

And for all that, I have never checked her activity and to the best of my knowledge she has never checked mine. But we both know our attitude is it is an open book. Anything else creates seeds which take on a life of their own.

 

I fully agree.

 

I have nothing to hide. If my partner doesn't either, then this shouldn't be a problem.

This leaves a person with no desire to snoop if you're an open book....it's all out in the open.

As far as privacy....when you're married, you have very little privacy.

[Jayar]

Honestly, if I was your husband and told you we had a new co-worker and your response was "is she pretty?" I would think you were a few noodles short of a casserole. At BEST it would irritate the crap out of me. I'm personally not surprised by his actions, and to be honest, you're going to make him feel like he may as WELL flirt because you're convinced he's doing it anyway... If you keep this up.

[Melody77]

Honestly, if I was your husband and told you we had a new co-worker and your response was "is she pretty?" I would think you were a few noodles short of a casserole. At BEST it would irritate the crap out of me. I'm personally not surprised by his actions, and to be honest, you're going to make him feel like he may as WELL flirt because you're convinced he's doing it anyway... If you keep this up.

At least that was straight!! The thing you should know is that I have a jealousy problem and it is really hard to controle... but like I said, I'm working on it.

 

Thank you everyone. I see that people have different ways to see things. The problem is that my husband and myself have different opinions too. I tend to be like V-neck... or Melrich I believe you have a very open and good relationship with your wife. It's a balance between trust/freedom and being open/not hiding anything... Since you're open with your wife, there is no reason for her to worry. It makes perfect sense to me. That's the kind of relationship I'm used to have around me and that I would like...

 

But my husband is more like Jayar so...

 

Lana0120, I know what you mean but it would matter a lot to me if my husband actually received/looked at this kind of pictures. I mean it's my HUSBAND and I want him to be the father of my kids!! I am not going to "flirt" or even look at pictures of males on the internet - I think it is really inappropriate and I know HE would be really pissed if I did. He gets upset just by the way I dress sometimes because he says that other guys are going to look at me and I'm not the kind of wearing a super sexy clothes so... yes it is a problem for me. Thx.

 

I wish I was different sometimes, I wish I wouldn't care so much about these things... it makes me feel so bad sometimes. Anyway, thank you all.

[mc1981]

My boyfriend and I started sharing our email password pretty early on. When we did it, the intention was to get to know each other. Over the past 14 months, we have one-by-one given each other access to our other accounts (Facebook, online journals, secondary email accounts). On my part, it has led to some problems. When a good friend of mine found out, she got upset that he was potentially reading things that we shared as best friends. I disagreed with her on that because wouldn't she just assume that everything she tells me gets relayed to him anyway? I assumed that of her and her boyfriend. My boyfriend offered to have us change passwords to make my friend more comfortable, but at that point, I would have seen closing our emails off to each other as a step back in our relationship and wouldn't have it.

 

At some points though, I have gotten paranoid when old female friends have emailed him after a while not knowing that he was seeing someone and been pretty flirty, but he has always quickly shut them down.

 

I am a jealous person by nature too, as is he, but now we trust each other implicitly. Sharing email has taken a lot of the unknown out of our relationship making it so much easier to grow in love and trust. That being said, everyone has a right to privacy, so sharing email would have to be something you both want to do.