My 2 sons

[dualdesigns]

Hello,

I am new to this forum but desperately need some help with my situation.

I have two sons from my ex-husband who plays absolutely no role whatsoever in their lives financially, emotionally or in person. I have a live in boyfriend of 7 years who does everything for me and for them including disciplining them verbally only when they get out of line. This guy has never missed a little league practice or game, he cooks, grocery shops, takes them places..I was in the hospital for 11 days from Christmas till January 5th and he took his vacation time so he could be here for them because they were on winter recess. They are 11 and 15 years old. The 15 year old despises him and is rubbing off on the 11 year old who tells me he hates him just a little more often then he tells me he hates me lol. My thoughts on this are very convoluted because im starting to think they just want me to be alone so they can run all over me. Can anyone shed some light here - my older son announced that he thinks ive chosen my b/f over him and disowned him, that really hurt but he's at the age when im not "cool" anymore and all he wants to do is be in his room and with his friends. The main issue with the two of them are chores and them not being done. Thats what my b/f argues about with him especially. Can anyone help me out?

[SapphireNoir10]

I guess. Not speaking from experience as a parent but as experience of being a teenager. They are just getting at that age, hormones are rampaging and they just want to be defiant. They probably hate being controlled and know that as he's not their real father they can use that against him.

 

I think thats just the age they are at. You could look up parenting tips on the internet!

[Sunshine75]

Besides having been an "angry teen" myself, I'm now the mother of a teenage girl (13) who, thankfully, isn't as angry as I was.

 

It sounds like your sons are probably still resentful about things ending with their father. And even though your current boyfriend is doing all the right things, they might be angry with him because he's willing to do it and their own father isn't.

 

When I lived with a couple of wonderful families during my teenage years when my parents weren't being parents, the better they were to me, the more I resented them. I was hurt that they would be better to me than my own parents were and I wished it was my parents instead of them. I also felt the need to remind them at every opportunity that they weren't my "real" parents and I would never like them or love them because of it no matter how good they were to me.

 

The best suggestion I could give to you is to get your family into some counseling. An outside perspective might help you and your boyfriend to cope with their behaviour and may help your sons to understand where their anger is coming from instead of them directing it at you and your boyfriend.

 

Good luck, and I hope things get better for all of you.

[dualdesigns]

Thank you for your insight into my situation. I appreciate your time

[Nurseman]

Congrats and Mozel Tov. You are the proud parent of two perfectly healthy American teenagers. Hang on tight baby, and make sure you have your shots, 'cuz now, life REALLY starts to get interesting.

 

MY Mom raised two boys, and I give us full credit for putting her into an early grave (at 67). But, even though we hated each other as kids, my brother is now my best friend. I know HE is the one I can count on when things are bad. We both are successful. (relatively, in my case) We have stayed out of jail. If YOU can inspire that in your guys, you will have done well.

[dualdesigns]

Congrats and Mozel Tov. You are the proud parent of two perfectly healthy American teenagers. Hang on tight baby, and make sure you have your shots, 'cuz now, life REALLY starts to get interesting.

 

MY Mom raised two boys, and I give us full credit for putting her into an early grave (at 67). But, even though we hated each other as kids, my brother is now my best friend. I know HE is the one I can count on when things are bad. We both are successful. (relatively, in my case) We have stayed out of jail. If YOU can inspire that in your guys, you will have done well.

You made me smile which at this stage of the game is easier said than done, My older son has said to me that he thinks I have disowned him and chosen my boyfriend over him and my younger son aside from telling me he hates us both often says stuff like he wants to go live back in NY in a cardboard box since I told him truthfully I cannot locate his father. My younger son spends more time with me than the older one because im shuttling him back and forth to little league and he has also told me my older son thinks I hate him. I don't know what more I can do to show that I dont hate him, his room is so disgusting it smells, he has laundry piled up behind the door to the top of his dresser and getting him to do ANYTHING is a complete uphill battle yet he confides in the neighbors on both sides of me and now there is drama in this gated fishbowl I live in because they stick their noses in my business on a regular basis. HELP ME PLEASE SOMEONE Im already on anti-d's over this I cant handle much more.

 

im torn into shreds over this..and if I hear I hate you once more I might really lose it.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

teenagers can be like terrorists in a way... they really look for every way possible to get under their parents skin, from open hostility to every imaginable manipulative and unfair advantage they can get.

 

they are about separating from their parent figures, expessing their independence, and wheedling every advantage they can get for themselves. In order to accomplish the separation from their parents, they can be quite brutal.

 

that's a long way of saving they use anything at hand to torment their parents. they really DO hate you for a while, but it is in the interest of breaking free of their childhood and establishing their own identities.

 

There's an old joke that goes that the Martians come and abduct your kid and replace them with an alien when they are 12 and return your child to you when they turn 18. they can be little monsters during the teen years, but usually start being civil again when they are adults.

 

So i think that your teenaged boys are just using your boyfriend as a convenient way to torture you. they figure out what your sensitive spots are, and go for them! they will use guilt, tantrums, snarkiness, sarcasm, anything to get what they want from you.

 

So the best bet is to ignore most of the bad behavior, and let them know that some issues are just not negotiable. they very well COULD be trying to get rid of the boyfriend if they think they can run over you and manipulate you better if he is gone.

 

So anytime they try to make you feel guilty, just laugh it off for what it is. when they say things like, 'you're choosing him over us', say something like, 'so were you interviewing for the role of my boyfriend then?' you will probably get the 'oh mommmmm' response to that, but that opens a good discussion about how they are your children and always will be, and there is no 'choice' there because you all serve very different roles in each other's lives.

 

teenagers are also very self serving in many ways, so you can point out the disadvantages of him leaving. things like how your standard of living will go down, they will have to take on more chores with him gone, stay home to keep dear old mom company more, and perhaps have dear old mom come live with them since she will be alone later... etc. etc.

 

then tell them you might choose some other guy to replace him who might choose to send them to military school...

 

your job is to be the voice of reason in the midst of their UNreason, since hormones and not good sense rule at their ages. you also have to have a firm calm approach to your own choices, like letting them know the boyfriend is NOT negotiable. he's staying, and it is easier if they accept that their mother deserves a life too.

 

so consider them little terrorists, and when they make terrorist type demands, don't negotiate, argue, feel guilty, hurt etc. just say nope, not negotiable. let them win little battles that don't really matter (like clothing, hair styles etc.), but on important issues just don't negotiate, and let them stew about it. you are still the parent until they turn 18.

[dualdesigns]

This place is totally awesome, BeStrong thanks for that terrific advice, I have looked at them as little terrorists in the past but didnt really consider the implications of it being TRUE. Thanks for your boost of strength and off the cuff humor like the military school quip. I like I like...

 

I feel much better about this whole thing now.

 

Thanks Guys

 

Amy