Little Blue Ant Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Ok. So last time I really posted a new thread about my relationship I had decided that I knew what I was going to to about everything, myself, and my future. I had sought council in some very important and intelligent people who have given me some very good advice. And although I'm growing, and becoming a better person by discovering who "I" am as a man, I still can't help but make bread loafs out of crumbs. A little background on my situation: together almost 5 years, engaged for 7 months (before breakup) Love wasn't the issue, cold feet and and a lack of passion was We have a lot in common, and really were best friends (not enough that we were mirror images of each other, mind you) Another man had creeped into the picture, although a serious relationship (according to her) is out of the question who really knows if thats true or not (the point above) So its been nearly 2 months since our break. I have established a LC relationship with her, where 95% of contact is initiated by her. Half the time I don't answer the calls, for various reasons. Sometimes I don't have a choice because she calls my work and I have to answer phone calls there. Anyway, the other day I get an email from her saying that I've been distant lately. Well, I have. I saw a picture of her and her new "fling". And it bothered me, and reminded me why I needed to stay away from her so I can heal. She wrote back saying she doesn't blame me, and I told her that I needed to move on with my life and this was the only way I could - by being "away" from her. And her reply - "but I don't want you out of my life, I want you in my life until the day I die" what a mind trip. Who stays in someones life until the day they die? A good friend? A family member? Or a life partner. I think 2 out of 3 are realistic. Anyway, I just didn't know what to say to that and am open to any comments about what to think of that. I understand its hard for her to let go, because we are so close, and that she's probably still "lost and confused" as she has admitted before - but still, what do you think? thanks... Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I think that's she's being selfish. She's the one who chose to become involved with another man, and saying that she wanted you in her life until it ended when you said you needed to move on is purely selfish and based entirely on her desires with no care whatsoever for your needs. Link to comment
mezmerist Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I agree, it's completely selfish. She made the choice to walk away from you. Now she can't deal with the consequence of that choice. She was thinking of herself when she broke-up and went to another man...So now it's time you think of what's best for YOU. And that is for you to take some time to yourself. It doesn't matter what she wants at this point, you are not her life-partner anymore by HER CHOICE. Take care of yourself please! Link to comment
karvala Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 "but I don't want you out of my life, I want you in my life until the day I die" I think I'd be tempted to reply "Let's hope it's soon then" if I received a message like that. But of course, the others are right: she wants to have her cake and eat it. Question is, are you going to let her? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I think I'd be tempted to reply "Let's hope it's soon then" if I received a message like that. But of course, the others are right: she wants to have her cake and eat it. Question is, are you going to let her? Ok - I thought that was hysterical!!!! Probably not what the OP wanted to hear but lets face it - when you can laugh at yourself or your pridicament that's the first stage of healing. Good Luck to the OP Link to comment
Sunshine75 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Another vote for SELFISH! Who wouldn't want someone in their lives forever that they know still loves them and pines for them?!?!? It's a GREAT ego boost! Like having your own mini fan club! If you want to be a part of her fan club, then go for it. I couldn't be bothered. She moved on to someone else but still wants your attention? SELFISH! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 well isn't she an emotionally draining little person... that's like a kid who throws their teddy bear on the floor and ignores it most of the time, but doesn't want anyone else playing with her teddy in case she's in the mood for a cuddle. you really don't need this, and she is being very immature and selfish. the best way to handle things like this is to tell her once, very clearly, that she made her choice and it's over, time for you both to move on. that you won't be speaking to her again. then stick with it, don't take her calls or answer her emails. if she shows up at your door, just remind her it's over and shut the door in her face. eventually she'll get the point that you aren't her security blanket. Link to comment
LilBear Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 Selfish selfish selfish She decided to walk out of your life but expects you to stay in hers? It will only set your healing back... Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Posted February 4, 2008 Author Share Posted February 4, 2008 Thank you all for the replies. I agree to, its selfish. I don't think she's doing it intentionally, but it doesn't make it right. Unfortunately, with our circumstances, cutting each other out COMPLETELY is impossible. No, we don't have children, but just trust me when I say that. And its not some effort for me to keep her around, its more complicated than that. If I had it my way, we would just end contact for a while (maybe in the future we can be friends, who knows), but the best I can do is just maintain LC as much as possible. *sigh*...these next few weeks are going to be tough. My blackberry just reminded me that we're supposed to pick out our invitations to our wedding that was supposed to happen later this year. Anniversary is coming up, V-day (although V-day was never really big with us, but still) and the fact that she's moving out *officially* this week (as in her stuff is finally leaving, but she's been out for nearly 2-months). I was so much better a couple of weeks ago...what happened... Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 If you can't cut her out completely, try to establish contact only around the things that make it impossible to completely stop contact, ie shared investments etc. Link to comment
cuddlester Posted February 5, 2008 Share Posted February 5, 2008 She sounds very immature for her age. Passion "chemistry" or whatever the new label of the day is, is not magical. Two people decide to have it or one or both decides against it. There is no magic in it. I didn't have much passion for my current wife when I met her 10 years ago, she was good and cute but didn't blow me away. Now I think she's gorgeous and super hot (which she actually is). When she met me, she thought _I_ was the hottest thing on the planet, and now she doesn't feel passionate towards me due to other things (and hence we are close to divorce because she is breaking it off). I actually got more muscular and more attractive in the last 10 years in her view (she says that), but the passion isn't there for her. You see passion is all about what's between the ears. The good news is that you and her can change to get it back. If you want the passion back, you have to figure out why it went south. Sounds like she is capable of it, so it doesn't have a biological basis. So if you both want it back, it's just a matter of figuring out why she is rejecting you or you her. That's all it is. No magic. No chemistry. Just your deep feelings manifesting in a physical drive. Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Posted February 5, 2008 Author Share Posted February 5, 2008 Well, I do know one variable that contributed to our "homebody" lifestyle, and I've eliminated it out of my lifestyle. I think that we started to just take things for granted after being together for so long. Our living situation was a bit plagued by our roommate and we never had a chance to live "alone", which also interfered with spontaneity at times. There's a lot of things I recognize now that can be worked on, and hopefully there comes a time where we both are willing to start fresh and address those issues. I just don't feel we're both ready to right now. Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 I just needed a bit of clarity on this, because its V-day and I've been thinking too much. Does anyone think maybe she was trying to reach out to me, in some way, and I didn't react? She can be very stubborn at times and would feel embarrased if she did through her self out there, only to get nothing sent back in return (yes, for the record, I didn't ever reply to that email. I did, however, see her after but no talk about the email). I dunno, my thoughts are bouncing around like a pinball machine. Link to comment
Addicus Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 The more I go NC the more I read and write on the threads in this forum the moe I see that true love and connection comes frome people thate respect the other persons needs. I see a lot of people that go NC and then their ex's are constantly contacting them. Why would anyone wnat to go back with someone that one day knows what they want and the next day is totally opposite. I was the dumpee, I will always love my ex and have respect for her and want happiness to always be with her, but I don't need to tell her that and I wouldn't, it just complicates the issue. As a dumper, if she decided that she wants me in her life tomorrow, she wouldn't contact me because I am in NC. told her I was and she respects that. I guess what I am trying to say is that time is what allows us to figure out what we want in life, telling people things that come from primal fears/instincts isn't something I would listen to or trust. After a coupld of months of NC I would be more open to revisiting a relationship with an ex if they (the dumper) initiated it. Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 Good point addicus, that actually makes me feel much better. You're absolutely right, more time needs to go by before I'd even be willing to take her back, and I'm sure she needs it just as much as I do (5 year relationship, separated for 2 months). If the "formula" some experts say is at all accurate, we would need another 3 months before our minds would be able to cope with all thats happened and begin to work on our relationship from a different mentality rather than one thats plagued with insecurities, confusion, and bitterness from the break up. Thanks a lot! Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Hi, Little Blue Ant! (Funny how even though Valentine's Day never mattered much when I was with someone...now that I'm not, it seems to matter more, huh? Weird, that one.) There's a lot of things I recognize now that can be worked on, and hopefully there comes a time where we both are willing to start fresh and address those issues. I just don't feel we're both ready to right now. This is the basis of everything she needs to be told, and to hear, and I know you must have told her already. I know this was said. Yet, this "but I want you in my life until the day I die" is a bit more of a twist. Does that mean, with you in it, as a friend? (It's quite possible for two people -- such as me and my ex of several years ago to decide we never want to be out of eachother's lives, even though now it is just friendship from here on out)? Do YOU want her in your life until the day you die? Some people are too important as our teachers, our students, our kindred spirits to let go of, and this is what she might be feeling. And that DOES make sense. And that DOES happen. But it has to happen by faith and letting the flow go to take its course. This is where her selfishness is coming through -- the having her cake and eating it, too (something a poster said here that keeps coming to my own tongue.) I would maybe respond to this email and tell her something along the lines of this. "Yes, I am keeping my distance and in fact, trying to put silence between us. I've told you why, because I need to heal from this, and because some of the things you have done make me feel too resentful to even deal with you. I NEED FOR YOU TO HONOR THAT, AND ALSO NEED TO KNOW IF YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT HONORING THAT MEANS. I think whatever has drawn us together might draw us together again. We know how to reach eachother if need be, but right now we have to let this go 'to the Universe' instead of TRYING to keep something going. It's not the right time, this feels like life support. We need to be apart for this to start breathing on its own again, and time is a great changer of all things. It very well might be that I'll be in your life until the day you die -- HOW, I don't know, on what basis, I don't know. You might find someone else as a partner, I might. Who knows. But if we are meant to be in eachothers' lives until the day we die, it WILL happen. It's not going to happen by clutching when it only hurts one or both of us to clutch at this. You have to stop clutching at me, it is against the flow of coming apart and later coming back together. Coming back together doesn't mean that during that time, we are clutching and making frantic and idle contact. We are exploring being APART -- not apart in spirit, but apart in a daily way, so that we can see what emerges later. There is always later, another time, the future, we can decide some day when there has been a pause to breathe, let it breath on its own. You need to trust that if I'm going to be a part of your life and vice versa, that the more you let go right now and leave me be, the more likely it is that as time goes by, we'll know what to do, how to do it, and what we want. But you are just muddying the whole picture right now. So I need to step out of this, and start trusting that the future will bring us what we need with a lot more clarity than what is happening now." When she responds to this, I would also ask her if you and she might have a PACT -- that she state that she understand what you need and tell you "I will honor that, (Little Blue Ant)." And after that, explicitly have her acknowledge that she understands why these calls/texts/e-mails/messages, etc. will not be returned. Have her basically all but sign on a dotted line that it is crystal clear to her that you are not saying she is gone and out of your life in that you are cutting her loose, but that you are going to be making good of HER decisions about this relationship, and now yours, to give this time to naturally breathe and organically become what it is meant to become, without clinging, pushing, pulling, clutching or pressure. You can reassure her that it's quite possible you'll be part of eachother's lives for the duration, but in the SHORT HAUL, this is what is on the table as the phase it has to go through. Link to comment
Addicus Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 little blue..I have a great article about how important NC is....If you would like a copy of it send me a PM. I like th articel because on teh days that I struggle I rad it and it gives me a great boost..reinforces how smart I am for going and staying NC. I have never come close to breaking NC but have moments of "it would be nice to contact her to say 'hi' but then I relalise that a 'hi' is just small talk....she needs to her space too. I have so much of my own stuff to work on..If we were to get back together it would be after I take care of a lot of stuff in my own life! Link to comment
Little Blue Ant Posted February 14, 2008 Author Share Posted February 14, 2008 tiredofvampires, you never cease to amaze me with your posts! Sound advice, as always. My question now is if its even appropriate to tell her this now. She sent me that email about 2 weeks ago and since we've had contact numerous times. Most of the time it was involving the "official" move that occurred this past weekend. Since then, our contact has been an email here and there regarding some unfinished financial stuff. Seems she's going into a NC/LC mode herself. So should I wait until this comes up again, or just send her it out of the blue? That would feel weird to do, especially considering 99.5% of the time, she initiates contact. Addicus, PM sent Link to comment
tiredofvampires Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 Hey, LBA! Thanks for sayin' so! Hmm, yeah. If this was a couple of weeks ago that she sent that, then that puts it in a bit different light to me. I somehow thought from your OP that it was a few days ago, really current. So that does change it a bit and I agree that right NOW, this would seem weird to say and a bit incongrous with the immediate interactions. Yes, I think you should keep it on the back burner for the next time it comes up. If she is going into NC/LC, you may not need to use it. But if this comes up again, I would definitely use it. You have some awesome role models (I'm envious of one you mentioned to me!), no wonder you have such a good head on your shoulders! Keep it all up!! And have a heartful Valentine's anyway. Link to comment
PixelPusher Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 [And her reply - "but I don't want you out of my life, I want you in my life until the day I die" what a mind trip. Who stays in someones life until the day they die? A good friend? A family member? Or a life partner. I think 2 out of 3 are realistic. Anyway, I just didn't know what to say to that and am open to any comments about what to think of that. I understand its hard for her to let go, because we are so close, and that she's probably still "lost and confused" as she has admitted before - but still, what do you think? [ THat is pretty much the exact thing my Xwife said to me, too. But you know what? She chose to drive me out of her life the moment she cheated on me. Sorry... can't have your cake and eat it, too. You're doing the right thing. Do what YOU need to do to heal and let her live her own life. Link to comment
Addicus Posted February 14, 2008 Share Posted February 14, 2008 But it has to happen by faith and letting the flow go to take its course. Tired of vamps...I agree with this. Letting go lets us find a really clear perspective on a lot of things including our role in the relationship, no not to blame, but to just what the REAL relationship was. Not the fantasy, or the ignoring of things, or we didn't do anything wrong etc...but to get a grip on how we really felt in that relationship. Where did our own doubts and fears come from, we all have them. Those fears etc do get projected on to the SO no matter how much we try to hide it! Those vibes can be read in many different ways....I know that I need to take ownership of my role, my thoughts and feeling and were those feelings there because she wasn't the one or were they there because she was the one and I was scared. Link to comment
EmotionalCreature Posted February 15, 2008 Share Posted February 15, 2008 Now she can't deal with the consequence of that choice. She was thinking of herself when she broke-up and went to another man...So now it's time you think of what's best for YOU. And that is for you to take some time to yourself. It doesn't matter what she wants at this point, you are not her life-partner anymore by HER CHOICE. Take care of yourself please! And you know what's one of the best parts is? You're going to do this 'for you' and 'not' cheating on anyone by doing what's best for you. Link to comment
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