How to forget, forgive and move on?

[Thornbirds18]

I was on this message board last year, after the painful experience of falling in love with a man who wasn't that into me, but who led me on for six months. I initiated LC after breakup, which prevented me from moving on. My life was miserable, with lots of physical problems that I never experienced. My physical symptoms had developed to the stage where I would be nausea&vomit if I thought about him for another second.

 

Eventually I called him after his long vacation in early January. This was our last time of contact because his statements in that conversation ("we will never have a future", "you call me after you find someone") really hurt me and pushed me to pick up my self-respect and live my life with strength. Now NC for almost one month and I felt terrific. All I had for the first twenty days was hatred. I hated myself and this guy. This hatred told me never to talk to him again in my life time. At the same time I still went through some panic attacks and stomach problems. My physical symptoms woke me up from the hatred, grief and obsession. I started a make-over for myself and resumed my workouk and other good habits, which drove away the physical discomfort due to emotional distress.

 

But now once I feel better I begin to think about him again. I have difficulty stopping the thoughts of missing him and the good times together. He mistreated me in many ways, which prevented me from calling him. But I always wonder if he has found anybody or if he misses me. Well I always think that he can never find anybody better than me. lol. But I can't stop missing him. Can anybody give me any tips about how to forget about him? How can I stop thinking about him? I've read something called "thought stop" about stopping obsessive thoughts. I tried but it lost its usefulness now.

 

I tried dating but I wasn't ready at all. Is time the ultimate healer?

 

I'm scared because what if I break NC and contact him again...then I'll fall into the trap and pain again. Believe me, I don't want to go through those tough days again. The most important is that I need my self-respect and my self-esteem.

[Purple1]

Well you've got it right there. You need confidence to realise you can do better than this guy. Sounds like even though you realise that he wasn't good enough for you, you are still putting him on a pedastal, or the relationship on a pedastal! Don't worry about dating others just now, focus on you and when the time comes... there is a guy out there who is into and would never dream of treating you badly!

[Thornbirds18]

Thanks purple1. It's encouraging, although it's so hard to give up the love that I had&have for him. It was funny the other day when I peeped at his online dating profile I saw a new picture of him, with a big "bump" on his upper nose. He was skinny and not happy in the picture. I bursted into cries because I was concerned that he was sick at the moment.

 

Later on I laughed at myself because that might be a very old picture when he was younger and skinnier.

 

I often wonder why God created love, which makes people crazy from time to time.

[Purple1]

Its hard when you love someone so much but they don't feel the same about you. It makes you want them more and degrade yourself in the process of figuring out what went wrong. I would strongly advise you not to check his dating profile again, or anything you have that reminds you of him. I think that maybe you need to clear away anything that reminds you of him if you are finding it hard to move on. I had to stop looking at my ex's myspace page all the time. Even though there was nothing interesting there, it just hurt me to remember he was carrying on with his life while I was left devastated.

 

The other day I mentioned on another thread about a book called "it's called a breakup because it's broken" by Greg Behrendt. It's easy to read, fun and uplifting and I think it might be just what you need to get you feeling good about yourself again.

 

Take care and keep coming back to let us know how you are getting on!

[Levora14]

Its hard when you love someone so much but they don't feel the same about you. It makes you want them more and degrade yourself in the process of figuring out what went wrong. I would strongly advise you not to check his dating profile again, or anything you have that reminds you of him. I think that maybe you need to clear away anything that reminds you of him if you are finding it hard to move on. I had to stop looking at my ex's myspace page all the time. Even though there was nothing interesting there, it just hurt me to remember he was carrying on with his life while I was left devastated.

 

Oh, boy. I'm at this point now. I had a 3 day crisis when I checked his pages and forums where he posts and found out that he is all sex crazed and looking for women on the internet to sleep with (which I found pathetic, actually). Just today I pulled myself out of the s**t hole in which I was as a result of seeing that he doesn't seem to give a f*ck about all the pain he caused me as a result of his lies, betrayals, and immaturity. I feel much better now, but if there is anything besides NC that one should follow it is to NOT check ANY of the ex's pages. NONE. It causes nothing but more pain and insanity. It is so hard not to, but we have to be strong. None of what I see surprises me anyway and I know he is like that, so why bother? Looking at their pages is almost worse than NC because you get so much pain and can't even confront them about it. I intend to never look him up again. I am letting go. If he matures and is ready for the kind of serious love and guidance I was offering then he will come back into my life. If not, then so be it. Either way I have to move on. That way if he doesn't come back, I made it out of the pain anyway. And if he does then great, maybe it can work out, but in the time it took for him to do so I wasn't a miserable creature. I feel so empowered now and these forums really have so much to do with it. I feel I can come and vent and be understood and helped.