I'm a rich girl, my bf's family is very poor...advice please

[arianah]

I've been dating my boyfriend on and off for about a year and a half. We're both college students at a rich, snobbyish university. The difference is I "fit in" here more than he does and he feels out of place all the time. Recently we had been doing pretty well until a lot of things started happening in his family which left them in very bad shape financially. His 30-year-old brother has a gambling problem, lives at home, and uses his parents' money. Also, his mom is terminally ill and frequently hospitalized. Both of his parents are high school grads and make very little money. They struggle every month to pay the bills and pay rent. Lately, he has been sending money to his parents just so they can get by. He is already in about $20k debt in school and personal loans.

 

I try really hard to be there for him, but I keep failing. I'm from a pretty well-off family with two very educated parents who helped me open a savings account and keep track of my finances in elementary school. His parents don't even have credit cards. It's hard to understand his world. Earlier today, I complained to him that my brother just got a multi-million dollar bonus but lowered the amount he was giving me to buy a used car from $15k to $14k (he was originally going to give me his car worth $17k but decided to wait longer before buying a new car so I have to buy one). It's not that I was complaining about the money, but that my brother chooses to spend money on paying people for things like grocery shopping, party planning, picking us up at the airport instead of coming to get us, etc. He's really changed since he started to make cash, and I don't like his priorities. Regardless, my boyfriend blew up at me and said that I'm complaining about a $15k car when he has to worry about food. We also get into fights about paying for dinner because he doesn't want me to pay but at the same time I feel like he gets mad at me if I listen to him and don't pay. But he also gets mad at me if I sneak money into his wallet to pay him back too.

 

I just feel like I can't win. He doesn't feel comfortable talking to me about his family's money problems because he thinks I'll be condescending and won't be understanding. I try to be understanding though. I even offered to lend him or his family money since I have savings, but I told him I would need the money back by summer when I would have to pay tuition for school. He declined.

 

Apparently I'm incredibly clueless. Is this relationship doomed to fail? Any help would be much appreciated.

[itsallgrand]

Could this be possibly less about the money and more about his mom being terminally ill?

 

He's under a lot of pressure, and facing the loss of someone really special to him.

 

Can you two talk about that, and you place your support on that aspect rather than focusing on the money?

 

Just one thought.

[arianah]

itsallgrand, thanks for the reply.

 

Actually, I think it's more about the money right now. He was really upset about his mom during the summer when she was almost not going to make it, but right now she's doing better and is out of the hospital and living at home. The doctors can't say how long she'll live, but she has been out of surgery for a few months now and seems to be doing better. Right now, he seems to be really concerned about the money specifically, especially because his brother recently stole from his parents and gambled it away.

 

How can I talk to him without making him mad?

[PinkRoses]

i agree with itsallgrand..

 

his brother shouldn't be living there, he's never going to learn if he keeps on being able to take their parents money.

[itsallgrand]

My own suggestion is to listen a lot right now. Try to steer clear of talking about the money.

 

You can focus on the relationship. If he is doing things that threaten the relationship or bother you there- talk about that.

 

Let him talk about his concerns without trying to make it better, or offering solutions or stories of your own.

 

His family has a lot of problems all at once; and he seems to one who is trying to make it and help bring them up as much as possible.

 

Is your family a close and functioning one? His is in chaos. What are his feelings about that (and they may not be rational)?

 

The money problems in families are often related to the dynamics and old stories as much as it is about knowing how to bring in a good income and balance books.

In his case, this seems so - as his brother is clearly a draining force in there, yet the family is allowing him to do it.

 

Tread carefully, and simply try to avoid attempting to fix anything for him. Just listen.

 

Let him be the one to initiate if he would like specific help.

 

This is how I would approach it...hopefully others will weigh in and you can get many perspectives.

 

good luck.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Earlier today, I complained to him that my brother just got a multi-million dollar bonus but lowered the amount he was giving me to buy a used car from $15k to $14k (he was originally going to give me his car worth $17k but decided to wait longer before buying a new car so I have to buy one). It's not that I was complaining about the money, but that my brother chooses to spend money on paying people for things like grocery shopping, party planning, picking us up at the airport instead of coming to get us, etc. He's really changed since he started to make cash, and I don't like his priorities. Regardless, my boyfriend blew up at me and said that I'm complaining about a $15k car when he has to worry about food.

 

I'm sorry, but this does sound pretty insensitive of you. Maybe try to think how stuff like that is going to sound before you say it? Just try to hold back complaints like that, because to be honest, I completely understand where your boyfriend is coming from.

 

I came from a very poor family, and it's hard to explain to someone who has no money worries what it's like to be fretting constantly. There IS no back-up, no one to bail you out. He obviously loves you, but try to be supportive and understanding. His mother is dying, he is in debt up to his ears, and life sucks for him. Maybe try to save on money a bit by eating in, or going for 'free' treats - the true student life style! Be kind and caring, and realise that he is under unbearable pressure at the moment, and your complaints about 'only' getting a $14k car rather than a $17k car is really pretty shallow. You obviously love and care about him, so go gently with him.

 

I hope things work out for you both, take care

[renaissancewoman101]

If you care about him, why don't you try pampering him and doing stuff for him for a change, like paying for things.

 

When I dated my ex, we had a major disparity in income. I made twice as much as he did, lived on my own, knew how to drive, and had a car of my own. He lived at home, worked at a mediocre job he hated, and didn't know how to drive. I felt bad for him a lot of times and tried to make his life easier by offering to pay for things and treating him well.

 

Sometimes you have to be open and understanding of people's situations.

[Entomon]

I think you put a lot of emphasis on money in your relationship and your boyfriend may feel a little inadequate about his own family background. I'm sure he's fine with you having the bigger savings account but I don't think you necessarily have to make known that you do (ie, like your brother just closed a multi-million deal and is giving you 15K to buy a used car). Coming from a disadvantage background, 15K is a lot of money.

 

Just several months ago, I dated a guy who flew me to see him. I didn't have the money so he offered to pay my way. Although he said I didn't have to pay him back, he made sure that I knew exactly how much my RT tickets were. And in that I was a little turned off by him. It's like he was belittling me or insensitive to my feelings.

[Belgian girl]

If you care about him, why don't you try pampering him and doing stuff for him for a change, like paying for things.

 

When I dated my ex, we had a major disparity in income. I made twice as much as he did, lived on my own, knew how to drive, and had a car of my own. He lived at home, worked at a mediocre job he hated, and didn't know how to drive. I felt bad for him a lot of times and tried to make his life easier by offering to pay for things and treating him well.

 

Sometimes you have to be open and understanding of people's situations.

 

agree with this

[Kiwi_Sweet]

Why would you complain about your brother giving you 14 thou, instead of 15 thou? That's not fair to your brother. Maybe you could learn to be more appreciating of the fact that he is giving you money that HE earned, not you! I don't get it? Are you that spoiled? I don't think anyone who appreciates the value of a dollar would complain about something so little. I hope you didn't complain to your brother when he did this? That would make you look like a snob.

 

I think that you are very high-maintenance and that you put to much emphasis on money. That is probably the reason your boyfriend feels so inadequate when compared to you. Is that all you guys do is talk about money?

 

Instead of complaining about how much your car costs with him, why don't you try to comfort him a little? He doesn't need your pitiful complaints. He needs to feel comforted and like you care about him. I just don't think that you know how to comfort him. I get the feeling that your parents probably comforted you with money?

 

***You might want to change you first sentence. You aren't a "rich girl". YOUR parents are the rich ones. You didn't earn that money, they did!

[Mythical_Suicide]

I couldn't have said it better myself!!

 

I agree with everything said here, it seems you make such a huge deal about money that isn't even yours (As said, YOU aren't rich your parents are) your bf is going through alot with REAL problems and you have the nerve to whine about your brother not giving you a damn car? Are you serious!? Live in the real world and deal with what your bf is dealing with one day and believe me, you would be in the same position maybe you should stop putting such emphasize on money and your bf wouldn't feel so badly and worry about money so much. Try being there for him with his problems and stop bringing up money.

[Mythical_Suicide]

 

Apparently I'm incredibly clueless. Is this relationship doomed to fail? Any help would be much appreciated.

 

I can guarantee you keep putting such emphasize on money the relationship WILL fail and unless you find someone who is equally stuck on money it's doubtful you will be able to keep a successful relationship going.

Money isn't everything especially when it comes to a real relationship.

[renaissancewoman101]

I agree with Mythical Suicide, money CAN and WILL destroy relationships, esp relationships where there is such a desparity in income and lifestyle.

 

In the beginning my ex found it very loving and nice for me to treat him so well, care about him, and dote on him. And I loved being there for him, paying for things for him so he could have a better life, etc. At the end, our disparity in income and our lifestyles, contributed partly to the demise of our relationship. My ex felt that he could never be able to provide for me and he felt inadequate, and I felt that he didn't know how to behave around my group of friends and around my social situations (my ex liked to be around teenagers and such, because he felt more in common with them and safe around them).

[arianah]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I really do love my boyfriend and want to make things better.

 

 

 

About my brother's car, he's not technically the one giving it to me or doing me the favor. My parents gave him the car for free and the deal was that he was supposed to give it to me in January. Instead, he decided that he wanted to keep the car longer so he can take his sweet time picking out a new car, even though he knew how much his bonus would be and that I needed the car in January. He feels bad about it because it goes against what my family agreed on, so he decided he would rather give me money to buy one here than have to give his car to me right away.

 

That being said, I clarified in my OP that I'm not upset about the $1000 difference, but about the motives behind it. What I was upset about is the fact that my brother seems to care more about how he looks (he is shopping for a ferrari self-admittedly as a "status symbol" even though he rarely ever drives, hired a personal assistant, hires bartenders for his parties) than about family. If he's buying a $200k car, why is he so stingy about the extra $1000 that would make a huge difference in the quality of car at the price I would be paying? He's already giving me less than his car worth $17k so that he can take his time deciding between a ferrari, a lamborghini etc, despite his promise to our parents that he would get a car beforehand so that I could have his old car. (So basically, my brother's making money off of this whole thing because he sells his old car and gets $17k while he only has to pay me $14k.) I was just worrying that my brother and his priorities are changing the more he becomes rich, but my boyfriend saw it as all about money.

 

I'm not putting the emphasis on money. My relationship with my boyfriend has never been about money. I've had a couple chances in the past to date millionaires, but they didn't appeal to me. I love my boyfriend. Maybe I don't know how to comfort him, but that's why I'm asking for everyone's help.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Your entire posts focuses on nothing but money..

 

You mentioned your bf and his problems only a handful of times in both of your posts on here.. The rest of the century long post was all about how much money your family has and how much your brother WOULDNT give you and blah blah blah.. and from reading your other post, you seem to be a rather self-centered person who is all about attention. IMO, that is more of a problem than anything else. If you continue being this way you will never have a successful relationship.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I've had a couple chances in the past to date millionaires, but they didn't appeal to me.

 

Once again.. it goes right back to money for you! Maybe you don't realize this because it is how you were raised but believe me.. It is all about money for you, otherwise you wouldn't even have mentioned the fact that your parents are rich or that your brother was going to GIVE you a car instead he gave you "x" amount of money instead of "y" amount of money and you were pissed off about.

 

If it wasn't about the money and you actually cared about your bf and wanted help being there for him youw ould have simply posted "my bf and I have been dating for "x" long and he's having problems and because of our difference in lifestyles i'm not sure how to comfort and be there for him" ..

 

 

NOT.. "well my family is rich and well he's poor and blah blah blah" because if you cared IT WOULDN"T BE ABOUT THAT!

[arianah]

I don't know what to say. I mean, for the purposes of this thread, yes it's all about money. That's what's causing problems between my boyfriend and me right now, so that's what I'm discussing in my posts.

 

Since our talk, I called him to apologize for being insensitive and he apologized as well for being "too sensitive" right now about money issues. I asked him what I should do in the future and he told me to just not bring up money at all. So now I'll be extra careful...

 

I don't know. I do really care about my boyfriend and I am really trying to make things better. I'd appreciate more constructive criticism and less character attacks please.

[DN]

Moderator Note: Let's stop attacking arianah and attend to her question. She has a problem and aggressive posts will not help her or her boyfriend. She is asking for advice in how to help her boyfriend so please accept that her motives are not selfish.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Seriously, stop with the car crap, it doesn't matter. You get a $14k car, be happy you even get a car.

 

Your boyfriend said it best, he has to worry about food. You've really missed how truly stressed and sensitive he is to money issues, so yes, it could be about how status oriented your brother is, but you BF is hearing MONEY MONEY MONEY. He's got a serious set of issues and you are complaining to him about something that is pretty trivial. You need to just drop complaining about your brother, don't mention his status hound antics or the stupid car.

 

You need to listen to him, talk to him, be there for him. Don't sneak money in his wallet, show him some respect. If you want to give back something take him to dinner, make it your treat. If you want to help him with food go grocery shopping with him, mix all the stuff in one cart and pay for it all yourself. Don't go on dates that he will have to pay anything, you cook dinner, you rent movies, and then invite him to dinner and movies. If he wants to take you out, suggest cheaper restaurants or home cooked meals.

[Batya33]

First, decide whether even though you can't relate to his family's world you are accepting of it - you don't see their financial status as some sort of failure or on the other hand view your family as superior to his family because your family has more money. I am not judging you on this but I think you do need to answer that question because if you do feel superior in some way or judge his family in some way - it will be very difficult to have a healthy relationship because money is a big issue in a marriage especially and it's too easy for him to sense how you really feel.

 

Assuming you accept, despite not understanding, his family's situation - I would find ways to make myself useful as far as helping him with his mom. Does he need someone to run errands for him so he can spend time with her, or similar? Does she need more visitors, does she like to be read to or just have you around so that he can do his own thing and not feel guilty about leaving her alone?

 

Is there a volunteer organization dedicated to research into her illness where you and he - or just you - can volunteer or maybe do a walkathon kind of activity?

 

If he's stressed, what calms him? Does he like comfort food - make a picnic - or getting exercise - plan a hike, etc.

Show him that you are focused on his best interests as you say you are and want to be.

 

Good luck.

[Dako]

It's not unusual for poor people to be snobbish about money.

It's quite easy to feel your humble origins are quite noble, and see wealthy folks as unaware of life's real challenges and values.

 

If you aren't insensitive to his background and values, he may have a workingclass chip on his shoulder. Mine was huge, since my father was a janitor who was often underestimated, and I had no bling to lean on, so I quit school to work with my hands. Since those days I discovered that rich people can also be kind, unfortunate and struggling.

 

I suspect you both contribute to this problem, and need to really communicate without fingerpointing.

Maybe it just won't work.

[Mythical_Suicide]

I apologize to the OP if I came off as bashing you, Was not my intentions.

[arianah]

carnelian: Ok, I got it. I'll stop talking about the car and about my brother. Thank you for the suggestions though on how to handle paying for things. I will definitely keep those ideas in mind.

 

batya: I think I'm accepting. I try my hardest to be, at least. I try not to look down on his family, but sometimes it's difficult not to (just to be completely honest. I know this makes me sound like a jerk.) Thank you for the really sound advice. About his mom, I would help in those ways, but she lives a few hours away by plane. He worries a lot because he can't afford flying back and seeing her, so he spends a lot of his time on the phone with family and is doing very poorly in school right now. That's a really good idea about volunteering. And about de-stressing, he really likes the outdoors, hiking, sports, etc. I planned a skiing trip for us for a weekend (all on me so he doesn't have to worry) and he seems really excited about that, so hopefully that will lift his spirits some.

 

Dako: That's really interesting. I actually felt like that when I met my boyfriend's sister. She didn't even know me and started talking to me about how my life was so easy and how she's been through real adversity and I know nothing about real life. My life hasn't been perfect even if I didn't have to worry about money, and it was my first time meeting her so I felt extremely uneasy. She's right, I didn't spend a few years living in a trailer like she and my boyfriend did, but I don't think it's fair to just make assumptions about my life and say that I don't know what living really is.

[Batya33]

But, if you look down on his parents' lifestyle then aren't you making certain assumptions too?

 

What about baking cookies for his family and shipping them to them from the both of you (so he doesn't feel like you're spending money, as opposed to time - to help him). How about helping him get things done since he's spending a lot of time on the phone with his mother?

 

The ski trip sounds nice just be careful about him being sensitive about you spending a lot of $ on him.

 

Thanks for being honest about your feelings about his family. I have to say it made me go "ouch" a bit since my parents are educated and struggled a lot financially in part due to one of my parents being chronically ill most of his life. A few times I've endured comments about my parents' choice to live in a lower middle class neighborhood (although now like a lot of neighborhoods it is getting very trendy, thank goodness they bought their apartment many years ago!) - and no I didn't want to share the personal information about my parent's illness.

 

I have to say given your attitude about his family - and I guess him in the sense that you see your families' financial situations as "your" situations - it's going to be very difficult to find common ground and relate to this person. I am not judging the attitude just observing (I would say the same if your family was poor and you judged his family negatively for being rich).

[arianah]

Batya, you're absolutely right. I am making assumptions as well. I don't want to think any less of his family and I don't actively do so, but it's a knee-jerk reaction that I have without truly thinking about it. I mean for example, when I read about your family, I didn't have any negative thoughts about it. I think it's more when I hear about some of the decisions that his family makes, like spending money on lottery tickets even when they can't eat. Things like that. What do you think I can do to change this way of thinking? I really don't want to think that way, but it just happens naturally for me.

 

Also, those are really good ideas to help him out. Thank you so much.