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Is the way my husband left me unusal?


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Hi everyone. I am currently in a state of severe depression since my husband left my almost 2 years ago. Here is my story:

 

Almost 2 years I came home from being out with a friend to find a long letter from my husband stating he is leaving. All of his things were gone as well. He kissed me goodbye that morning and told me to have a good time. He said in the letter there was no one else. I found out a week later there was someone else and not only that, he got engaged to her a week after he left me. To this day we are still married and he is getting married this Spring. He is going to file soon for divorce. All this time we have been separted he has been making wedding plans with her. My question to all you is if it is don't you think it is unusual for someone to leave a spouse and get engaged to someone else RIGHT after leaving? My husband came home from work every night on time so the only time he could see the other woman is at work. I know people leave to be with someone else all the time but to actually get engaged and make wedding plans right after leaving their first spouse?

 

It makes me feel like the whole 7.5 years we were together never exsisted and to be replaced like that? As if we were never married. I really do not have a great support system and no one really understands what I am going through. We were having major problems like any other marriage but 2 weeks before he left I found the big answer to our problems and was on cloud 9 telling him how much I love him and how things are going to get better but it was too late he was planning on leaving anyway.

 

This whole thing makes me realize that you can meet the right one, get married but when situations come up you can't forsee and know how your spouse is going to react to them. I don't think I can ever get in a serious relationship again. Not because I could never trust a man again but there are no guarantees and while I knew that before getting married I was ok with that but now this has happened to me I could never go through this again. You can take the most loyal and loving spouse but there is always a chance they can change and leave you without you realizing they are planning to do it.

 

I know this was a very long post and I did not even get to say everything I wanted to. All I know is my stbx and I were so in love with other for a long time and we were the most likely to succeed couple which was said from both of our families. The one thing I would like to know from all of you is do you know of a lot of people leaving their spouse with a letter and then getting engaged to someone else right after leaving? Like I said we are not even divorced yet and all this time he has been happy in love with her while I am still in shock that he left. How can I ever get over this? I did just start to see a counselor. There is nothing more tortuous than having a broken heart with a high libido but strong moral values.

 

Thank you all who took the time to read this.

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I am sure it has happened before. You don't get into details about your marriage problems but you allude to the fact that there were problems and you found the BIG answer. But, it takes two to find out the BIG answer. Clearly the problems were not that trivial. Also, if he met this woman through work, they may have really bonded at work even if nothing else happened between them...there were clearly sparks. A former colleague of mine had gone away to a conference and when he came back, his long-term girlfriend had packed her stuff and moved out. He was shocked that she did that. However, that relationhip had been very troubled...he was a very difficult person to deal with even in the workplace...so she probably figured that it was easier to walk away that way so that there would be no scene. I can't say that I agree with doing that, but I can understand that if a person has been very difficult to deal with, it would cause too much stress to have an open discussion about leaving...if you don't know if the other person will create a scene or get hostile.

 

Given the vagueness of the events leading up to this, it is difficult to comment on your particular situation...but to answer your question...no, it is not unheard of that someone would leave in such a manner and immediately get engaged to someone else if a bond had already been set up. What puzzles me, however, is that your separation has been two years...why that long? Is there a two year mandatory separation before filing for divorce. In some places the mandatory separation is only one year.

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Winter - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.

 

From what you wrote, the problems in your marriage, may not have just been "problems in your marriage." There's a good chance that the main problem was that your husband was cheating on you. How he left you was cold and heartless. To pretend like everything's going to be ok, then leave you a note and not even have the guts to face you is pathetic.

 

Your husband trying to get married while still married is illegal in the United States. You could report him to the authorities if he gets married while still married to you.

 

It's great that you're seeing a counselor. Hopefully that will help you in your healing and to understand things better.

 

To answer your original question:

How your husband left you is not unusual - for a cheating, heartless coward.

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Well just remember that this isn't about you, his choices of behavior are a reflection on HIM, and his lack of character. And also note that it's not that "he left you so easily", but it's more accurate to say to yourself that YOU are NOT interested in a man who could leave ANYONE so easily..

 

This "new" relationship he is in, will most likely not last, he just got bored with himself being married so he got involved with someone at work because he's emotionally lazy, it was conveniant, he didn't even bother to work on the marriage or tell you the truth, then he has an affair, then he leaves you and is with her right away...again, he's emotionally lazy...

 

And eventually this issue of his will resurface again in this new relationship, once the newness wears off and it becomes more "real" and he gets into a pattern with her, he'll get bored again, and be emotionally lazy again, and have an affair again... because he actually leaves "himself".. when he doesn't like who he becomes in the relationship he runs away, but he doesn't realize yet that he'll run into himself again and again...

 

I know you are hurting so much, but you will grow way past this, he won't he's stuck already.. in his same old pattern.. but you now have an opportunity to rediscover how wonderful you are, and to find your independence, to improve your own life, widen your own world, find new interest, and new love.. and you will..

 

but right now this time is for you to look back at your relationship with him as a lesson, making a list of all your "feelings" about him versus the "facts" about who he is, and see how many of those actually match up.. be as honest as you can, doing this type of "feelings vs facts" type of list will help you regain some healthy perspective. For example, Feeling: You loved him because he was loyal Fact: He was a cheater

 

The list can help you figure out what you "expected" of him and the contrast as to who he "really revealed" himself to be. and you might find there is a huge difference... and you might realize that you were more in love with who you "hoped and thought he could be" versus "who he really is"... and probably so much of his goodness and great qualities came from being with YOU anyway..

 

He will soon discover that the "newness" will wear off with this woman he is with now, and he will then have to face himself.. or he'll just run again.. maybe even back to you, but that's not your worry right now.

 

You need to take care of you, don't take anything he's done or said personally, it's not about you, or against you, it's just all about HIM.. and who HE is, and it's not very classy.. so heal your own heart, respect yourself, take time to heal, let go and accept that right now he's just being "emotionally lazy" and that is HIS issue, and you are powerless over what he did, or what he does. You just take care of your own heart, be good to yourself, and celebrate your strength to get through all this.. you can feel good about yourself... but he can not feel good about himself..

 

And there's a saying about people who allow themselves to have an affair, (because god knows anyone can have one) but the saying is: "If the cheater will cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you".. so he might eventually cheat on her too, and even if he doesn't she will always wonder if he will, after all it's how she met him.

 

She's not the issue here, she could be any woman.. he's just emotionally lazy and he takes the path of least resistance and isn't even self respecting enough to end his marriage BEFORE he got involved with someone else.. again it's a reflection on his lack of character..

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He is in financial trouble and keep putting off filing. I still think it is unusual to get engaged to someone right after leaving. No one seems to understand the deep emotional pain I have been through. I kept asking him what the answer to our problem was and he said he did not know. He does not like confrontation. They will be divorced in the future. His Grandmother told me she is immature and she can't see their relationship lasting. Knowing this really does not make me feel any better.

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I am so sorry this has happened to you Although what he did was despicable, I don't know that it's all that unusual...marriages break up all the time under the strangest of circumstances and the fact that he did it by letter it just shows that he's a coward. Of course he should have spoken to you and tried to work things out, but things don't always play out as we expect them to.

 

You did say that you had been having some major problems and there's a very good chance that they were created by the fact that he was having the affair. You don't say what the problems were but I would guess he was being very distant and there was lack of communication.

 

It's good you're seeing a counselor because you've had a terrible blow to your self esteem. Don't let this dishonest scum keep you from moving on with your life and the chance to find happiness with someone else. You're right, there are no guarantees in life, but that doesn't mean you should close yourself off to the possibilities. You deserve so much better than he gave you.

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Thank you pinball wizard. I wanted someone to say it is unusual to get engaged and make wedding plans while being still married. We have settled everything with a separation agreement so it will be quick after he files. One thing I forgot to say is he did tell me about her a year before he left. She asked him out in a work e-mail. She said to his face she is on the prowl for a man. I left him a vm on his cell one day singing to the song "I just called to say I love you" and she was in the breakroom and he told her "my wife was just singing to me that she loves me" and she walked away crying after that. He kept asking we why does she keep coming up to me she knows I am married. Then he said "I would never get a divorce". This was 6 months before he left.

 

I thank all of you for your support. I am glad I posted this.

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Of course you are feeling deep pain, just please remember this feeling is temporary, you will grow past it. But him, well he's stuck in his pattern of not wanting to face himself, so he runs away to "new scenery" as a temporary distraction of not wanting to face who HE is, and the choices HE"S made and the financial situation HE has allowed to develop in HIS life... he didn't leave you, he left himself.

 

But soon enough he will run into himself no matter who he is with...

 

I can understand your shock, your pain.. it's overwhelming I'm sure, but just know that we are all deeply saddened at times in life, this is the point where we have the opportunity to rediscover who you are, how strong you can be, and how much love YOU have to offer.. in time you will regain your sense of self. You will actually look back and realize that this all happpened for a reason, and it will be a gift.. because you are free to explore you life as a classy, respectful, loving woman who deserves a man who is mature enough and emotionally healthy enough to be responsible for himself.. and to behave in a way that reflects well on him...

 

YOu are going to grieve who you "hoped and thought he could be" but you will soon realize that his "unhealthy pattern" of not taking responsibility for himself, will reveal that he is not who you hoped and thought he could be... but YOU are going to become who YOU can fully be, now that he is going in his circle of running into himself over and over again... You are going to move forward, you are going to grow past this heartache.. you have the best ahead of you.. he has more of the same, because no matter where "he" goes, there "he" is.

 

So accept that this is going to be difficult, you will cry, ask others for help through this, write on here, love yourself, grow, laugh, and love again.. it takes time, the shock, the heartache are temporary.. but the self discovery will be a life long gift.. and you will be more happy than you could ever imagine...

 

Keep writing it all out here, we are here to help.. I am so sorry you are hurting so deeply.. it's HIS loss, not yours.. I know words can not really comfort you now, but please remember that you will grow through this... but yes it hurts.. but it's a temporary hurt.. because the best is ahead for you, not behind you...

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I just found this website after googling "how to live with a lying, cheating alcoholic bastard"...so feel that your message is one I am familiar with. The way he left you was cowardly. But his need to rush right into the next relationship is the kicker. He clearly is infantile. And lazy. Infantile, because he must have a horrible fear of living alone. Lazy because he's trolling for homewreckers at his place of work. Really. Why in the world would she be attracted to a lying cheater? Answer: she is vulnerable and probably at a similar level of self esteem as you probably were when you first entered the relationship. You've obviously grown and matured (as you are seeking help for your own personal growth) and he finds this threatening in a woman. He is afraid to go out into the world and meet women that way, because he is struggling with a huge case of arrested development. Women, smart, strong women scare him. I am so happy that you are in counseling. Keep working on protecting yourself...eventually you will get to a place where his betrayal of your trust is something you can let go of and live a full life.

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I am sorry about this. This woman sounds sleazy and your ex is no better. I think it is bizarre to get engaged when you are still married. What is the point...it is not like you can get married until after the divorce is finalized. That is the proverbial putting the cart before the horse. If she pushed him while he was still married, I am sure she must have pushed him for the engagement so that she could show off to everyone that she is engaged. Sounds like he will have his hands full with her. They deserve each other!

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Welcome!

 

I'm sorry you're going through this emotional roller coaster that has caused you so much pain and many sleepless nights. You are not alone in this. There are women here at ENA, including myself, who have walked in your shoes. So you're in good company.

 

Honestly, I think your husband left you emotionally long ago. He's just biding his time for his physical grand exit. You didn't say what marital problems you two had or if you sought couple therapy but I'm sure it was significant enough to warrant a separation. However, I believe how he left you is cowardly. People like him are spineless chicken * * * * who can't handle the consequential truth so they'd rather go into their hiding den. Once a liar and cheater, always a liar and cheater.

 

I don't think he will change his ways with this new wife either. Unless she's a whatever you did, I forgive you honey kind of a person, they won't last. Any woman who stays with a liar, cheater knowing that he is is no good herself. And she deserves only that, a liar and cheater. Take heart that he left you because you don't deserve to be treated how he treated you. He did you a huge favor. I know it may be a big blow to your confidence to be replaced so easily and quickly, but I assure you again, that if you can be replaced, so can she. He will perpetuate this kind of behavior until he is satisfied. And he won't be for a very long time.

 

My only question is, it's been 2 years, why didn't you finalize the divorce?

 

As to you not trusting again, it's natural. And you shouldn't trust easily again but don't be so restrictive on your trust issues that you let a good guy slip by. It's going to take a man of great strength and character to win women like us again. And we may find that there are not too many of them out there, but they are out there. And they will find us when our time is right. But for now, enjoy yourself, do things that you never got to do while you were married. Travel the world. Volunteer at a shelter group. Be inspirational to women out there. Be you.

 

You can always come on here to gain strength and rejuvenation. I do.

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