Timebandit Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 The thing is, he doesn't want a relationship, and he said something to that extent on the second date (it wasn't specific to me, just a general statement about relationships). I respect him for being so upfront about it, but I don't agree with the reasons he gave: Maybe his reasons are silly and maybe they are not the real reasons. But please listen to him. He does not want a relationship. Don't second guess him or anything. Just call the quits before you get two involved. Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Maybe his reasons are silly and maybe they are not the real reasons. But please listen to him. He does not want a relationship. Don't second guess him or anything. Just call the quits before you get two involved. Agreed. It doesn't really matter what his reasons are anyway. He doesn't want a relationship and you need to protect your interests. Stop going online to talk to him as often and go out and find a guy that wants a healthy relationship. Link to comment
lady00 Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I think he's gently trying to tell you that he does not want a relationship with you. He may just be saying it in general terms in order to try to spare you some hurt. That may be why his reasons seem silly. They may also seem silly to him. Link to comment
m12988 Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Then why is he teasing you and talking to you online all the time? If you don't want a relationship, then don't dangle it in their face by spending a lot of time with them talking etc. At least he made it clear to you, i think his reasons for no relationship are silly though, that being if it is his only reasons. Have you told him his plans are identical to yours? But either way, i dont think going for a relationship with this guy is good...if you were to get into a relationship with you, he'd continue to put you last on his list, his career/school/whatever will come first, and will probably always take up time. You'd be better off with someone with the same relationship goals as you. In the long run, a relationship with this guy will probably only get more painful. Maybe this guy would make a good friend and that's all. Link to comment
Rosey Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I guess you were hoping that some people might suggest sticking it out and seeing what happens. From experience of a similar situation I did the same thing - stuck it out, thinking that with time he would come around. Unfortunately he didn't, and I'd worsened my own pain by allowing myself to believe something that wouldn't happen, and to fall for him even more. Same thing happened to a friend recently too. As tempting as it may be to hope otherwise, and as nice as this person might be, he is not saying "I want to give something a try". He's saying "I don't want to be in a relationship". Link to comment
arwen Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 A person who is head-over-heels would never come up with reasons NOT to be in a relationship. The risk is far too big that you'd loose interest in the mean while- obviously he doesn't feel THAT strongly about that. You mention you are falling for him, does he know that? Don't get intimate with him. Arwen Link to comment
Dako Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 You should pay attention to what he told you, and stop trying to maneuver around the facts. It's easier to enter a relationship with a willing partner. "From experience of a similar situation I did the same thing - stuck it out, thinking that with time he would come around. Unfortunately he didn't, and I'd worsened my own pain by allowing myself to believe something that wouldn't happen, and to fall for him even more." So this is a pattern of yours? Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 i wouldn't necessarily call them 'silly' reasons - they are his reasons. i agree with lady - i think maybe this is his way of saying he doesn't want a relationship with you. if he isn't smart enough to figure out that you are in the same field as him and will also be wanting to move to the same 3 cities, then i don't think he is the match for you. i'd pretty much leave him be. if he really does want to date you, then i'd let him make the effort. Link to comment
browneyedgirl36 Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Maybe his reasons are silly and maybe they are not the real reasons. But please listen to him. He does not want a relationship. Don't second guess him or anything. Just call the quits before you get two involved. This is great advice. Please, please listen to him when he says he doesn't want a relationship. He's telling you everything you need to know. I was in this situation too, except mine wasn't the excuse that he was really "busy" -- it was that he wasn't over his *past issues.* Still, I held on, because I hoped that once we really got to know each other, it would work. Sadly, not only did we NOT end up in a relationship, he has now gone back to his *past issues* (read: ex-girlfriend), and I am out in the cold. I know that all situations are different, but....when someone tells you so early on that they "don't want" or "can't have" a relationship right now, BELIEVE HIM. If a relationship is what you really want, this guy is not the one for you. Link to comment
RayKay Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I echo the others; does not matter if you think they are silly - they are valid to HIM and whether he really believes them or not, he is using them to avoid committing to you more than he has. What struck me was how willing you were to bend over backwards to "fit" into what you "think" he wants; honestly, what you said YOU wanted in a relationship sounds to me like it is not a relationship at all (A "go to person" for social events? What's the point; go with a friend!). Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 someone who tells you this is basically saying he doesn't like you enough to take you seriously as a potential girlfriend. he's ok fooling around with you for now, but he wants his options open in case he spots something he really does want. look at it this way: would you ever say anything like this to some guy you really liked and thought was hot and exactly what you wanted? no, you'd be hopping on the opportunity and making the most of it rather than coming up with a bunch of lame reasons why you don't intend to really date him. so this guy for whatever reason has made a judgment that you are not 'girlfriend worthy' for him. his excuses might be sincere, or they might just be coverups for not being able to say what's really on his mind or define that he doesn't feel attracted enough to you to consider you a serious girlfriend. regardless, he's telling you right up front he's not taking you seriously, so don't take him seriously either... just write it off and look for someone who is available and willing for a real relationship. Link to comment
bettyboo Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I agree with the other poster's on this subject. When a guy is into you, he will make it very clear and obvious. They call you, they text you, they email you. They want to spend time with you. It seems to be that he just doesnt have those feelings for you. Move on and find someone that does! Good luck! Link to comment
ghost69 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 silly or not, he gave excuses. he doesn't want a relationship. some reasons for someone can be really important yet meaningless to others. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I agree with RK and it is good of him to tell you this on only the second date (and this is why I try to avoid building up the attachment with talking on line and on the phone a lot with someone I barely know but could risk getting attached to too fast, too soon. Link to comment
blender Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 You should pay attention to what he told you, and stop trying to maneuver around the facts. It's easier to enter a relationship with a willing partner. "From experience of a similar situation I did the same thing - stuck it out, thinking that with time he would come around. Unfortunately he didn't, and I'd worsened my own pain by allowing myself to believe something that wouldn't happen, and to fall for him even more." So this is a pattern of yours? There is some thought provoking advice here.. read it, think it through honestly and save yourself from repeating your own unhealthy pattern.. who you "hoped and wish he could be" in your life is in direct opposition of the FACTS on who he ACTUALLY IS in your life.. he's guy who does NOT want a relationship, so hear it, believe it, and let go and grow way past this unhealthy pattern of trying to convince someone to be different than they are.. or trying to make yourself be different than you sincerely are just to keep them around in your life..yuk..don't do this.. move on, let go, and celebrate you. Link to comment
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