Sexual chemistry/when it's missing does that mean no hope?

[Addicus]

I reconneted with a very compatable woman after we had connedated a coupld of years ago. At that time the timing wa off and she needed to see a relationship through. Out of the blue she emails me....she had been thinking of me over the two years, had waited a year until she was really over her last relationsip before contacting me. It was hot and heavy as if we were trying to catch up on the past 2 years but without sex, we were just communicating via text, email, phone...until a week after the initial contact. We had sex. I thought it was OK....for two weeks things seemed fine until I started getting a weird vibe..less texting, less calls, less talking on the phone. I confronted her and asked if it was x, y or z. It was none of those things it was the lack of 'sexual chemistry'. It baffled her as much as it baffled me. Everything else is there...we love being around each other, with friends, on our own with her kids, talking on the phone, laughing..the attraction is there....anyway..there is no where for this to go, she basically was leading into the direction that it was over. I took a day to gather my thoughts, emailed her, she was very open to processing and we have done it in the past (2 years ago when things didnt work then, no sex at that time)

She said taht it is an amazing relationship, she is very attracted to and I am perfect but she can't figure out why the chemistry is not there. She wants me to make her feel like I want her (which I do). She acknowledges that I am a more sensual, emotional lover, whic is true. But I am also very guarded, based on past sexual relationships and being molested at a young age (I have done work in therapy), I was also reading form her behaviour. I guess from the first day we slept together she has cried because it just didn't feel like she wanted it to. She never cried in frnt of me but cried in places that I could not see her. I get it but I don't get it. If all the other things are there and there is OK sex then with good communication why can't this be something that you work on? She is a therapist and says that her reaction is not behavioural. it just is. I disagree. I don't need her, I am sd that the relationship is over. I admire the person she is and I would never want her to be in a relationship with me or anyone that does not make her happy or fullfill her needs. As i look back on it it is easy to say..OK I see it or she is right it was horrible. It is easy to do that especially if you want to validate what the other person said and say..OK, it is what it is and move on. I believe that if you love someone then it is worth working it out. You can always find issues with any relationship and if you are not willing to work it out youwill keep moving to the next one only to find issues with that. I can't make her work on it, but I guess I would like feedback that down the road..when we have both healed, we move on and basically I will not contact her, is there ever any hope of healing a chemistry problem?

[Censored]

I would say move on but remain friends and see if any "chemistry" develops in the future. I don't believe because it isn't there now means that i t never will be. BUT keep your eyes peeled

[Cognitive_Canine]

how long have you been going out?

[Addicus]

Thank you both for your response...we were together for only 3 weeks. However, this is a person that I connected with over 2 years ago. Timing was off for her then, she was dating and was dating someone else and realised she needed to see that through. We didn;t contact each other. Then last year I would get an email here and there to say hi, but we never actually would get together. Out of the blue she sent me an email in January asking to go skiing........I know that the fact that we could meet meant that her relationship was through. We gave each other our phone numbers and immediately started texting, calling, had lunch. It was very intense, maybe too intense for me. I need time to feel safe with anyone. I felt an intensness about us. I have not been in many relationships as I am pretty picky and have spent much time working on myself. I know that sex can be something that you work on. She wanted me to want her...I did, very much but maybe that was not reflected in my actions due to me being very guarded, and other issues.

 

We are both very intelligent people, I have been able to express some things to her via email, which was 3 emails, trying to make sure that I totally understood her. She was great at processing back as she openly said it helped her too and I believe that the fact we could process in a healthy, caring way is a gift.

 

I am still hung up on the fact that we are so compatable in pretty, much every other way. In fact she considers me a dream. feedback and thoughts on how to proceed, I am assuming no contact at least for 60 days and really focus on me. The other part is the sexual part, I know it is not totally about 'me'. I can function quite well in bed, but I obviously need work and maybe learn new different techniques or whatever. I am certainly willing to do my work so that if there ever is a chance of us reconnecting fieworks might just fly in teh bedroom..any good books, out there. Also FYI...same sex relationship which are hard enough anyway and so many disfunctional lesbians out there..this one was actually very sane!

[Censored]

I have to be honest here and it may not be correct, but sometimes, when we have known someone and then had a flurry of texts, emails, phone calls etc. it can place a lot of "expectation" on the physical side.

 

Expectation or pressure can be a real killer of sexual chemistry This might sound odd, but in the early stages of a relationship, i feel that sometimes too much disclosure of information and feelings and emotions can almost kill a physical chemistry, or in the very least create self pressure.

 

When you place ot have pressure on yourself, you tend to over analyse the tiniest things, including every move that you make physically, from first contact, to kissing to how you hold someone, all the way through to excplicit intimacy.

 

I wonder, if you are maybe placing a little to much pressure on yourself.

 

In my earlier response i said that chemistry can develop. And i sincerely believe this, but i believe it develops from learning about someone in a "natural" sanse and not overdoing the "getting to know you side" via texts, email etc.

 

Part of your feelings of being too intense will definetly be placing pressure on you. Chemistry is about relaxation, comfort and absolute desire.

 

A willingness if you like, to throw everything to the wind with neither fear nor favour of consequence.

 

You have already thought through scenarios, consequences, potential, and your own guarded approach etc etc. Your fear within this will kill the chemistry, and believe me, no matter how you try and hide it, your friend will pick up on this.

 

Hope some of that makes sense.

[Addicus]

It makes total sense...that is where I saw the problem. She believes that it is not the issue is not soemthing behavioural...that it just is...so even if I worked on changing (which I need to do regardless of the outcome with her and I) in her view it would not change the chemistry. From the info we exchanged, to be so attracted to someone and not have the chemistry does not make sense to me. I did feel pressure. Also all of the reasons she gave for it being a little 'off' in the bedroom seem to reflect more on my behaviour, as you are correct, not feeling relaxed, under pressure etc...it seemed like I was trying to cram 2 and a half years of thinking of each other into one night. She is a very sexual being. Has had a few one night stands with no intention of wanting to be with the person. I should probably reread her emails (right now too painful and are in the deleted box) It is easy to be a Monday morning quarterback and say, that I wish we could of gone on dates, had dinner..left and went home..but I am nto sure that would of made a difference. She is not willing to try and work on it and I am now in a situation where if we did get back together I would be so paranoid in the bedroom....if it was to workout I think it would be a joint therapy situation. However, she is a therapist and has a good grip on the issue and does not believe that it will or can change. She wants to be friends.....I feel that right now I can't do that. I am angry, sad and trying to get grip on all those feelings and need to leave her out of it while I do. I think the whole sexual chemistry things is interesting...I was with someone where the sex died and know how horrible it is but so did all the other things in the relationship, the attraction, the communication, the desire. Everything died. Here everything else is SO intact and for that reason I need to talk here and process so i don't screw up all the other stuff!

[Addicus]

Niceguy loses..other info..in the first week she had a real hangup with the fact that I still wore a ring from a past relationship. I kept the ring, not because I am not over the person. I am very much over them...this is the rlationship where everything died and I guess I was not in an emotionally good place to want to or be able to work on it! Anyway, she took me by surprise and was pretty intense about the ring, the ex tht gave me the ring and how she felt about me still having this person in my life. It blew me away. I like the ring..thats all and the ex, after a LOT of work and healing is one of my closest support systems. She has been there when other Girlfriends have come and gone. I will not shut her out for anyone. I did take the ring off. I felt it was a good compromise. Ring of course is now back on. But the intensity of the issue in the first week of getting to know each other seemed out of place. It's one of those..after we date things and decide to make a committment we can discuss and decide what to do. I guess I was in for the long haul. From the first time I met her she was Long term relationship potential. I wanted to get to know her, talk about the futute and build a strong foundation. She is still dealing with her ex, in the middle of completeing her dissertation and apparently needs me to throw her around the bedroom. All so confused and totally anylising this way too much. Do you thnk that the no contact for 60 days is a wise choice?

[Censored]

I believe that the NC for a set amount of time is a very wise choice for YOU. I think you also need to work out the issues that you feel you have, and to hopefully give yourself some space to stop fretting about this girl.

 

As you have said, if it were to somehow continue on at this stage, then you would be your own worse enemy and probably jepordise the relationship anyway.

 

I also agree that her making an issue about you wearing the ring from a previous relationship was far to premature and a little odd. It points to me that she may have insecurity issues of her own. She also sounds like someone who has high and false expectations on you.

 

This pressure and the fact that she is not over her ex, really is a great sign for you to move on for now and concentrate on yourself. Ty not to obsess over her and the future that you feel may have been in the LTR sense.

I know it's hard and there is also the feeling of rejection based on what her actions so far hav been.

Make sure you ALWAYS make yourself number one.

 

You know, after your NC period, if you have made progress with yourself and placed a distance perspective on this, then you may just find that this girl is not what you desire for the long term afterall. I certainly am concerned by the number of red flags this early on that if you DONT go no contact, you are going to become very hurt in the short term.

[Addicus]

I agree with what you said....relationships always have red flags and it is a cse of seeing them and talking about them. We did process the ring issue. She was also willing to meet my ex before we had to really make any decisions on that person being in my life or not..but I guess if she had asked to remove my ex from my life I am not sure that I would be OK with that.

 

If you love someone then you need to let them go and be happy that they are searching for what makes them happy. I want her to be very happy in her life, if that means that she finds what she is looking for with someone else then so be it. I believe that if you love someone you need to be able to let them go at any time in a relationship, I know that I would not wnt someone to put a choke hold on me..it would drive me away. What I would need after breaking up with a person is space to reflect on why I broke and decide to go with that decision and move on or figure out what it was and maybe work through it but either way it is hard to do without space.

 

You are right, maybe in a few months I will see all the issues that were in the relationship and realise that it really was not right, or I may see her as the wonderful person she is and a person that I can have in my life in a healthy way and in what ever way it should be. Ahh...if only it was all as easy to do as it is as easy to type what I should be doing. I do need to work out the issue and going abck into therapy might be the right choice. At least it will give me a place to work on my issues.

 

What specifically are you concerned about in the sense of red flags.