Confusing Situation - What do I do now?

[luxe_13]

Ok, I've already posted a few threads already about my ever evolving situation!

 

I'll try to give you a quick run down so as not to bore you all to tears!

 

I started dating a guy in November. I've known him for a few years though his ex. They broke up in May last year.

 

Things were going great (more than great infact!) for about 6 weeks. The he started backing off. I confronted him and he admitted he'd freaked out. The reason (and I totally believe him as I've been there before) was that he just didn't know if he was ready to be in a serious relationshp just yet and didn't want to promise me anything. So we hit a grey area and I completely backed off.

 

A couple of weeks later he started contacting me on MSN. He kind of acted like nothing had happened yet mad no plans to ask me out or talk about how he felt etc.

 

Since then we've chatted daily (we are both online at work all the time). I tried different things like blocking him or not answering him, but got sick of the game playing and figured he'd done nothing wrong so continued to allow the chatting. Only game playing was I always let him initiate the chat - which he always did.

 

One night we had a chat where we were talking about how alike we are (it's actually scary how alike we are!!)

 

Started to think..maybe we are just friends now? Didn't want to discuss it over MSN. Tired of our only contact being on MSN. Bit the bullet and asked him out for a drink. Needed to find out what the vibe was. He agreed to meet me.

 

SO,..met him for a drink last Thursday. Lovely night. Drink turned to dinner. Dinner turned into a DVD at his place. As we watched the DVD we ended up kissing, then spooning while he played with my hair. It was sweet not sleazy..yet the kissing part definitely meant that it IS more than friends. We talked about seeing a film in 2 weeks time. Went home feeling good. Clearly he still likes me..but what now?

 

Since then..it's back to good old MSN.

 

So what now? Do I just need to grab the bull by its horns and keep asking him out. Should I stop analyisng and trying to define our situation and just enjoy the moment and see how it pans out? DO I need to get rid of the MSN and see if he calls me? Am I just being too damned impatient?

 

These are the thoughts running through my head.

 

What should I do??? I really, really like him. We are so alike and being with him just feels so right.

 

Thanks everyone

[Entropy Smith]

Do I just need to grab the bull by its horns and keep asking him out.

No.

Should I stop analyisng and trying to define our situation and just enjoy the moment and see how it pans out?

Yes. Don't stop analyzing stop obsessing. The "definitly enjoy the moment and see how it pans out" is very important. Once you give off the desireless vibe ironically many times the guy will now be attracted to you. So its not just a good point of view to take for living its actually necessary to get what you want. You need emotional endurance to do this and few have it.

 

DO I need to get rid of the MSN and see if he calls me? Am I just being too damned impatient?

 

Get rid of MSN. You don't want him contacting you when he's bored or just casual stuff. He's got to earn that. Make him call you on the phone. Yes have patience.

 

You have the right idea. You are trying to teach him how to treat you. You refer to this as "games." But what you are doing is putting yourself in the best position for the best relationship possible. So yes create space, give off mixed messages, cut him off in hte middle of a conversation to answer your call waiting and forget to get back to him...if the ritual is too easy, guys will fool around with you but you won't be a gf.

[v-neck]

Computers have become impersonal ways of contact, the telephone was probably like that back in the day. Anyways, just keep an eye on him, he may be feeling lonely now but in 6 weeks he might be right back to where he was. Best thing to do is keep it calm and stripped back. Maybe let him do the contacting even if it takes a few days ro week. Be patient and don't "wait" around that's the worst thing youcan do, cool?

 

`vneck

[Batya33]

It sounds like he's been honest with you that he doesn't want a relationship with you at this time. The best way to see if that changes is to back off. right now he has the benefits of a relationship - he gets to go on dates with you, hang out on your couch and hook up without having "the title" etc. I think he will respect you if you say "I really like hanging out with you but as you know, I want more than that. If you change your mind and want more you know where to reach me and if I am still interested and available I'll consider it. but please don't contact me otherwise."

[lady00]

I like Batya's advice on this one...you want more than what he wants. The fact that you hung out and things got romantic doesn't override what he said before...he doesn't want a relationship. Maybe he's not ready or maybe he's just not that into you. Either way, he doesn't want you as a girlfriend right now. It sounds to me more like he wants to casually date you. You need to decide if that is OK for you or if you are looking for something else.

[luxe_13]

thanks everyone.

 

i am happy for it to be casual right now. however i know i do need to back off. contact has become to easy and he prob does sometimes chat to me cause he is bored.

 

i want it so much to work out so i am going to do everything i can to give it the best possible chance.

 

i know he's into me. i can tell by the way he is around me.

 

msn goes!!

[Batya33]

I don't think your approach - seeing him more in the hopes that it will "convince" him to change his mind - and on the one hand saying you are happy with the way things are and in the same post saying that you are going to 'work" on this to change things - will lead to something positive. On the other hand, distancing yourself will give him the opportunity to see what life is like without you and if he misses you and if so, how much. But you have to be willing to endure the downside of distancing yourself which you do not seem to be willing to do at this point. In my humble opinion, you can't have it both ways....

[lady00]

If a guy is really into you and he's not ready for a serious relationship, he will tell you that. He won't run the risk of confusing you. He will tell you that he is not yet ready but that he wants to get there and that he wants to keep seeing you. He will be able to promise you that if he is really into you.

[luxe_13]

I just figure, if he wasn't into me - he wouldn't always be chatting/flirting with me on MSN. Why would he kiss me and suggest we see a film the next week?

 

If he just wants me in bed, then why didn't he just jump me when I agreed to go back to his place?

 

I understand he has said he freaked out about the relationship. I understand that maybe it won't happen straight away and I need to be patient.

 

But aren't all the positive signs there?

 

I think the MSN things have made things too easy. Taking myself away from MSN will hopefully make him realise that I am not always there to chat to whenever he wants.

 

This may make me sound a little nuts, but I am not giving up the situation that easily.

[v-neck]

Take it 1st hand from me, i've done that to a girl when I was bored, feeling lonely or wanting some 'action'. I know now it wasn't right but this sounds like the same deal, just keep a watchful eye.

[Batya33]

He's into you for hanging out and hooking up when he's in the mood to see you. Being into someone for a relationship is different. Don't confuse invitations to hang out and hook up and MSN chatting as signs a man wants a relationship with you or is trying to build towards a relationship where he's already told you he doesnt' want that with you. and don't take it personally either!

[lady00]

He's into you for hanging out and hooking up when he's in the mood to see you. Being into someone for a relationship is different. Don't confuse invitations to hang out and hook up and MSN chatting as signs a man wants a relationship with you or is trying to build towards a relationship where he's already told you he doesnt' want that with you. and don't take it personally either!

 

Hits the nail on the head.

[luxe_13]

Thought I'd give you a update of what happened since then...

 

We ended up having a drink..then it went from there - we started v casually seeing each other again. All went well for the next month or so, he even asked me out on valentines day and we started seeing each other 1-2 times a week.

 

Then soon enough he started being flakey again and I knew he was back to freaking out about the whole commitment thing.

 

We had a really good honest chat. His head just isn't there right now as much as he really likes me.

 

So I ended the contact. Told him I need distance (which I never gave him before what with the constant MSN etc.).

 

I am hoping that with a bit of time and space he'll come running, but have also accepted that he may not, in which case, when I am ready I am sure we'll be friends anyway.

[Sadman84]

I can only offer you my way of thinking. I talk to a girl,very often, she is one of my exes old best friends. I know in the back of my mind i would NEVER date her seriously, but we've talked about messing around. I initiate contact with her, and I flirt, but it dosnt mean I like her.

 

I have another girl i'm friends with we always rent movies and watch them together, and drink together. We've cuddled before, but again, I would never date her.

 

Don't be fooled by the guys actions, first off, we're smart, we know we can't just throw you on the bed and get sex, we understand it needs to seem romantic and seem like its meant to be that night.

 

Also its funny you mention he was playing with your hair, I have noticed when ever I'm with a girl I seem to caress them, its sort of sad, cause I know its only out of habit, i used to do this with my ex all the time, and even if i'm with a girl that I just met, I do it to them. Thats my two cents.

[luxe_13]

i know he likes me. i know this one is about timing. thanks for your point of view though.

 

we've been honest in our chats so i know what we had/have is not just friends and not just sleeping with each other.

 

i've met his parents and have become good friends with his friends. it's not like i was some secret booty call.

 

i've known him for years and even know his ex quite well so understand to an extent where he is coming from.

 

it's alot to do with timing and him not being a big scaredy cat about the whole thing. he has lots to work out in his head and i'm going to leave him to it.

 

at the end of the day we respect each other alot and i know we'll be friends if nothing else. but for now - i am completely out of the picture.

[Batya33]

So the timing worked for him as far as hooking up when it was convenient for him and he wasn't scared of hooking up with you, just taking you out on a date? I just read your update - that's nice that he took you out a few times and I am sorry he chose not to commit. Watch the feet - what he does - not the lips - what he says during your chats unless it is "I want you to be my girlfriend" or something similarly direct.

 

Very glad to hear that you are no longer involved with him -- my prediction is that if you stay in touch as friends, the minute you tell him you have a date with someone else all of a sudden he won't be too scared to ask you out and the timing will be just fine - for him, that is.

[luxe_13]

yeah i also predict his thoughts may change when he finds out i am dating someone else.

 

we will be friends. i just need time to get over needing to be with him. i figure i'll give it a month or so then drop him an email to say hi.

 

if he wants me back as a girlfriend he's going to have to put in a lot more effort methinks. and i have to remember not to run straight back to him at the first sign of interest! i know he likes me but liking is one thing, beng man enough to commit is another.

 

thanks batya.

[luxe_13]

btw sadman, i do have to say i find it strange that you treat female friends of yours the way you do. do you not think you behaviour is leading them on in anyway?

 

i do have male friends, but i would never be affectionate toward them in that way - esp caressing and cuddling. to me thats just weird.

 

i dont get it.

 

the guy i was seeing does have other female friends - he has dinner with them occasionally or goes to the cinema, but i know he wouldn't get physical toward them unless he was interested.

 

to me, it smells like the behaviour of a player...(which my guy is NOT)