Weekends SUCK

[BrokenTinMan]

I keep pacing my room, crying, sometimes hyper-ventilating... am I going crazy???

 

I feel a terrible urge to contact him again! I've stuck with NC for a week. Before that, kept NC for 2 months, but I slipped because he contacted me last December and I reciprocated.

 

I miss him so much especially on Fridays and weekends.

 

I feel like AT LEAST showing myself to him on Yahoo Messenger. I can't even log on it, because I can block him, but he'll know I blocked him. That will give him a reason to think that I'm affected. Which I am, but I don't want to show it. I don't know, I'm a mess.

 

Help, I need to stick to NC but I'm crying and so nervous, and I feel like talking to him will make it all better. I hate this. I hate this.

 

This isn't my life. This isn't what its supposed to be

[Aleadragonhawk]

I keep pacing my room, crying, sometimes hyper-ventilating... am I going crazy???

 

Help, I need to stick to NC but I'm crying and so nervous, and I feel like talking to him will make it all better. I hate this. I hate this.

 

This isn't my life. This isn't what its supposed to be

 

You know that contacting him won't make everything better - that's why you're posting. Just keep that in mind. You've managed to get so far already - the first bit is always the worst, and you're making great progress! I think that hanging around at home with nothing to do but cry might be hurting more than it's helping - try going out and doing something, even if it's just going to a movie or getting dinner in a restaurant. If you spend your entire weekend alone with nothing to do, of course it's going to be really really hard. Try to keep busy, even just a little bit.

[browneyedgirl36]

BrokenTinMan -- I am so sorry you're going through this. You were SO helpful to me on my recent thread, and I wish I could think of what to say to help you, but knowing the history of your relationship, it's hard to think of what to say that will make you feel better...I know it's been a long and rocky road for your relationship. A few things to consider:

 

Look very closely at the last sentence you've written here, the one I bolded above. Really read it and absorb it and know how TRUE it is. This is NOT how your life is supposed to be. You are NOT supposed to be this unhappy and distraught; not only is this not your life, it's not LIVING. Keeping in contact with your ex, when you have broken up SO many times, when it has been so up and down and back and forth for so long, is what is KEEPING your life this way. The only one who can change this situation, and thus, change your life, is YOU. Keeping in contact with the ex is NOT making you feel better, and it never will. It may seem that way, for awhile, but that feeling of relief that you feel when you do talk to him is, most likely, just a temporary suspension of the sadness you are feeling -- it's a bandaid slapped over a very, very deep wound, hence it is very temporary and not at all effective. Everytime the relationship goes sour, it chips away more and more of your soul -- it takes away more and more of your energy and power.

 

I know it is going to be supremely hard, but please, please don't contact him. In fact, go on to MSN tonight and BLOCK him. Don't worry that he'll know you blocked him. It's not about how HE feels or what HE knows -- it's about distancing yourself from him for your own well-being.

 

Again, you were so helpful on my thread in which I asked why people keep going back to the same person over and over when it never works, so I KNOW you know that all of this isn't getting you anywhere. You have somehow convinced yourself that this person is the *one* for you, despite a tremendous amount of evidence to the contrary, and the only way you can really start to realize that this is NOT true is to stop talking to him altogether.

 

Please block him. And delete him from your phone. Then, go do something else -- post on here, call someone else, go outside and do something, anything other than contacting him. It will be excrutiating at first, but...it can't possibly feel worse than what you're feeling now.

 

Hang in there.

[BrokenTinMan]

dragonhawk: I don't even feel like going out. Sometimes when I'm out, I would have panc attacks because my mind would just automatically drift towards the ex. When I'm out having fun, I'm always with my ex. Being out with out him seems so strange. An its cold, that makes me feel even more miserable. I can't fake fun. It makes me feel worse

 

Monique: I don't know... I did that Last saturday, and although he was nice, I just ended up getting hurt. Because he re-enforced that he did not want to get back together. It sure is tempting to call him and say Hi though. But I'm worried that I will feel worse after.

[cristal]

BTM, please try to ride out the storm as best as you can. I have been where you are and it is one of the most awful places to be in.

 

As tempting as contact is, it will be the very thing that will extend the grief that you are trying to move beyond. I know all to well about the looming weekends and how much they seems to escalate the pain. But you must try and ride this out as best as you can, until the storm passes. I can honestly say that I have been were you are, just 5 months ago and now I actually look forward to my weekends. I still miss what we had some, but to not to the point where it impacts my weekends.

 

This pain will eventually subside. Just understand that it is a process that you must go through. Try and read a book for comfort. What helped me was the book, "It's a break-up, because it broken". That and time.

 

Hang in there.

[browneyedgirl36]

Contact him! What harm can it do??? Just try to contact him with no stings attached. Lower your expectations just a bit...what can go wrong?

 

Don't be so nervous and hard on yourself. I feel you will only be a peace with yourself and a bit more relieved until you pick up that phone. When you do speak to him just tell him that you were thinking of him and just wanted to drop him a line. Go for it!

 

mo'nique -- Please don't take this the wrong way, but you might consider reading his other posts. This is a pretty toxic relationship he's talking about here, and contacting his ex is really, really not a good idea under the circumstances. Normally, I wouldn't say anything, but in this instance, I think that contacting his ex is a really terrible idea.

[ut_longhorn]

TinMan...

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! If you feel like contacting him..then post on here first. It never does any good. I've never had contact with an ex that broke up with me that ended up being good for me.

 

I'm really sorry you feel like this. I know how tough it can be. Can you run around your neighborhood? I would go for the hardest run possible. exhaust yourself, but dont contact him.

 

And I agree with reading books...try to read motivating books. Im so sorry about the pain. I wish the world was a less cruel place sometimes. Best of luck to you.

[avman]

Stay strong TinMan. Doing the right thing is never easy. I haven't had time to go back and read the history but I'm taking browneyedgirl's word that it was a toxic relationship for you.

 

Keep yourself busy. Try to exercise, it really helps. Block him on Yahoo, it will be cleansing for you. And even if you don't feel like going out, try to at least hang out with some friends. Being with someone else is great medicine. The mind does terrible things when left to it's own devices in situations like this. So the more you can stay occupied the less trouble it will cause you.

 

This is something you have to get through. It sucks but it will eventually get better. Even though I know right now you feel like it never will.

[BrokenTinMan]

Everytime the relationship goes sour, it chips away more and more of your soul -- it takes away more and more of your energy and power.

 

 

I really feel my life draining away. Every second of the day is spent thinking of my ex. Its not that I want to, but my mind just finds itself there. I've been through so many painful things every time we broke up, and yet here I am, still pining away.

 

Even when I know he is actively looking ONLINE for guys to date, I'm still pining away. I saw his profile at this Dating Site. On their, you can see his "Hot List." People he would love to date/hook-up with most likely. One of them, might very well become his boyfriend. Its torture.

 

I know I shouldn't look, but I can't stop. I'm always thinking, is this the day he finds a partner? Who would it be? I wish he'd go and find one already, that way I will stop looking. Two months ago, he found a rebound that lasted 2 weeks. That helped in my NC because I wouldn't even dare look at his online portals. Because I knew, I would only see him happy with the guy. But now that he's single again, I'm hoping - AGAIN, that he might get discouraged looking and realize that I'm really hard to replace.

 

I know, its pathetic

[BrokenTinMan]

BTM, please try to ride out the storm as best as you can. I have been where you are and it is one of the most awful places to be in.

 

As tempting as contact is, it will be the very thing that will extend the grief that you are trying to move beyond. I know all to well about the looming weekends and how much they seems to escalate the pain. But you must try and ride this out as best as you can, until the storm passes. I can honestly say that I have been were you are, just 5 months ago and now I actually look forward to my weekends. I still miss what we had some, but to not to the point where it impacts my weekends.

 

 

I hope time really does do its trick. I want to completely forget. I don't just want the sadness to subside, I want it gone. I am worried that even if the sadness goes away, there will be this big empty spot where he once was.

 

It was not hard to love him, when he was nice, he was very, very nice. But when he's done, its non-negotiable. He doesn't believe in 'fixing' relationships. That alone should tell me that he is not suitable to be a long term partner. I don't know why I still love him despite of all that.

 

Thanks, Cristal. Now, the only thing I can look forward to is that point in time where everybody says the sadness will lift. But between now and then, I don't know how I'm going to battle with the emotions.

[mezmerist]

Sweetie...I feel for you. I too have the same obsessive thoughts, and I've had a couple of panic attacks regarding my ex too. I posted earlier about something that has helped me. I don't know how to meditate, I would love to learn, but try to just do some breathing exercises to help calm yourself and your mind down. All of the anxiety is in your mind right now. You are allowing yourself to be thrown back and forth because of external forces, and there is no stability coming from within. So, to find that part of yourself...try to just close your eyes, focus on your breathing....and try to clear your mind. I know it sounds impossible, and silly...but it is proactive. You are trying to take yourself out of that stormy sea you are currently trapped in. The obsessive thoughts are EXHAUSTING, they make you feel terrible and out of control. Try to find a way to relax and just NOT THINK for a bit. You will feel much better, trust me. It will help you feel like you're regaining a bit of control on your life, and that is always a good thing. Your ex should not be able to control your thoughts and emotions like this..it is not fair, and he doesn't deserve that type of attention at this point.

[AnxiousGirl]

It sure is tempting to call him and say Hi though. But I'm worried that I will feel worse after.

 

I'm sure you know the answer to this. No, you shouldn't contact him. It'll do more harm than good, and what is it going to change?

 

What if he's nice to you? You'll just crave to speak with him again afterwards. What if he's mean? You'll be so hurt, and possibly feel worse than you do now. I've been in this position more times than I can count.

 

I'm really sorry you're having a bad night Relax though. You will be alright.

[BrokenTinMan]

 

DO NOT CONTACT HIM!!! If you feel like contacting him..then post on here first. It never does any good. I've never had contact with an ex that broke up with me that ended up being good for me.

 

 

Thanks, Longhorn. I don't know... as far as contacts go, in the 8 times we've broken up, we've always gotten back together because I eventually broke contact. So I guess, in short term, it ended up being 'good' for me. If only for a while at least.

 

Now, all this back and forth pattern of breaking up and reconciling has really hardwired my brain into thinking that we will again get back together -- if only I do the right steps. In this case, breaking contact once I know he's missed me.

 

I know, its really pyscho. Its honestly what goes on in my head though...

[BrokenTinMan]

Stay strong TinMan. Doing the right thing is never easy. I haven't had time to go back and read the history but I'm taking browneyedgirl's word that it was a toxic relationship for you.

 

Being with someone else is great medicine. The mind does terrible things when left to it's own devices in situations like this. So the more you can stay occupied the less trouble it will cause you.

 

 

Thanks avman. Yeah, it is toxic. We have been breaking up and getting back together for 8 times in the past 4 years. It is abusive in a way. Emotionally draining so to speak. He has a problem with keeping relationships. Once he gets used to a person, he starts hating them. He admitted this to me when we first started going out. I should've heeded the warning, but I was in love.

 

About spending time with people... I try. But I end up wishing I was home after a while. It takes a lot from me to look happy when I'm not. I can't always be a drag in the company of friends. I can't have fun out because it makes me feel miserable that I'm doing all these things without my ex. It just seems pointless. To family and closer people, I can break down, but they can't be around me all the time.

[browneyedgirl36]

Thanks, Longhorn. I don't know... as far as contacts go, in the 8 times we've broken up, we've always gotten back together because I eventually broke contact. So I guess, in short term, it ended up being 'good' for me. If only for a while at least.

 

Now, all this back and forth pattern of breaking up and reconciling has really hardwired my brain into thinking that we will again get back together -- if only I do the right steps. In this case, breaking contact once I know he's missed me.

 

I know, its really pyscho. Its honestly what goes on in my head though...

 

Contacting him may have *worked* for you in the past in that you reconciled, but for how long? Just keep telling yourself that, while all of your reconciliations have been the result of you contacting him, all of your reconciliations have resulted in him breaking up with you again. I know it's hard to think of, but you know it's true. If you're really, really honest with yourself, you'll admit that it hasn't worked for you at all, because with each break-up, you feel worse, and as I mentioned in another post, a little bit of your soul is chipped away.

 

Think back to a long time ago, before you met him. You had a life then, before he ever came along. You CAN have one without him, with him out of your life for good. You just have to want it badly enough.

[cristal]

BTM, what you are going through is a detoxification process. As most people know, a "detox" process only last for a while.

 

As much as you feel that his leaving will leave a gaping hole in your heart, I have been through enough heartache to contradict that theory. That gaping hole will close when you meet someone new, who puts a smile on your face. Remember, he is not the "be all, end all" Other people can make you feel the way that he does. Time, space and NC will do that.

 

One more thing, you have to knock him off of this gold pedestal that you have him cemented on. He is taking advantage of the love that you have for him. That is not a nice person. You have to look the beast in his eyes. He is dangerous and you must protect yourself from dangerous people.

 

I am so sorry for your pain, because I know the brutality of it. But by not contacting, tomorrow when you wake up, you will still have your dignity intact. Dignity gives you the strength you need to persevere.

 

Stay strong! Just one day at a time.

 

Cristal

[Levora14]

Your comments are so so so so helpful to me because I am too feeling miserable right now. I miss him so much and I am jealous to think of him with others, but I know I have to keep going. It isn't fair to me to let myself die over someone who didn't even realize that he had gold in his hands all along. Someone who trades gold in for * * * * doesn't deserve my love and tears and much less for me to let myself die over him. I am so glad I found these forums because even just reading comments meant for others makes me feel better. Thank you all.

[BrokenTinMan]

Thanks mezmerist. I know, they don't deserve all this wasted energy and time. They are not even feeling bad about this. Not even a bit. Why else would they decide to break up. Maybe they think about us from time to time, but we are just a passing thought. It makes me mad that he doesn't feel what I'm feeling. I should be mad at him, but the anger is misdirected to myself and my life.

[BrokenTinMan]

I'm sure you know the answer to this. No, you shouldn't contact him. It'll do more harm than good, and what is it going to change?

 

What if he's nice to you? You'll just crave to speak with him again afterwards. What if he's mean? You'll be so hurt, and possibly feel worse than you do now. I've been in this position more times than I can count.

 

I'm really sorry you're having a bad night Relax though. You will be alright.

 

Thanks AnxiousGirl. He was nice to me when we started talking again last week. That's what got me deeper in the hole (again). I mistook the kindness for something else. Maybe it was kindness, maybe it was malicious, I don't know. I do think he values the friendship if anything.

[BrokenTinMan]

Contacting him may have *worked* for you in the past in that you reconciled, but for how long? Just keep telling yourself that, while all of your reconciliations have been the result of you contacting him, all of your reconciliations have resulted in him breaking up with you again. I know it's hard to think of, but you know it's true. If you're really, really honest with yourself, you'll admit that it hasn't worked for you at all, because with each break-up, you feel worse, and as I mentioned in another post, a little bit of your soul is chipped away.

 

 

You're so right. Thanks, BrownEyed. And I even know, in my head, that when we do get back, he might just change his mind again and walk out- just like that. What if he does it when were 60? Will I live the rest of my life old, gray and alone?

 

The problem is, I do realize the risk, but I'm still hoping, WHAT IF this time it will be different? I will risk going through another round of heartache IF the flip side to that is the chance to finally, FINALLY be able to grow old with him. Because, despite his unhealthy behavior of walking out on relationships, I love him, and his companionship is what I want.

 

Granted, I'm addicted to the pattern, but there was a reason that made it hard for me to let go in the first place. He was what I wanted in a partner.

[HajiMaji]

Hey, two things.

 

First, the weekends improve. Please keep trying to get through each weekend. I know how they feel buddy. Just keep doing it. I dont have much to do this weekend, but know that this has been rare lately and I always look forward to the weekends now (as where I use to dread them)

 

Second, just never sign on to yahoo messenger again. Get a new name. Tell your friends. Its not worth the pain.

[BrokenTinMan]

Thanks, Cristal. That was great. It gives me some hope, when you re-assure me that the hole can be sealed. Right now, it feels like that hole in my heart is in his unique shape, and no one else can fill it.

 

Everyday I try to demonize the ex. Why else would he break up with me 8 times!? And why else would he tell me all the nasty details of him webcamming, and considering meeting up with the girl, and having a big crush on his straight co-worker, ALL THE WHILE KNOWING THAT I STILL LOVED HIM! Yes, he apologized after the fact, thinking it wasn't that bad. But if he was with me 4 years, he would know that these things will hurt me.

 

I try to tell myself that I should be mad at him. But I can't Instead, when I'm down for different reasons, like when I was rejected on a job interview, or when I'm lost in some confusing city, or when I'm walking to my car after a late night class and its cold and its raining, my mind will find shelter in his memories. I would think, if OZ was here, he would make it all better.

 

But he's not there. He's not thinking of me. He is cozy in his room, chatting with guys online. One day, one of those guys will become his next conquest. And I will still be in the same spot. Waiting for something that might never come.

[BrokenTinMan]

Your comments are so so so so helpful to me because I am too feeling miserable right now. I miss him so much and I am jealous to think of him with others, but I know I have to keep going. It isn't fair to me to let myself die over someone who didn't even realize that he had gold in his hands all along. Someone who trades gold in for * * * * doesn't deserve my love and tears and much less for me to let myself die over him. I am so glad I found these forums because even just reading comments meant for others makes me feel better. Thank you all.

 

Yeah, this forum is a godsend. On one hand, I'm glad that there's a place like this, where I can vent and be miserable. On the other hand, I wish for the day when I will no longer be here posting about heartache.

[BrokenTinMan]

Hey, two things.

 

First, the weekends improve. Please keep trying to get through each weekend. I know how they feel buddy. Just keep doing it. I dont have much to do this weekend, but know that this has been rare lately and I always look forward to the weekends now (as where I use to dread them)

 

Second, just never sign on to yahoo messenger again. Get a new name. Tell your friends. Its not worth the pain.

 

 

How long has it been for you? I dread the weekends. Especially now that my ex is once again single. I just feel like I'm wasting precious time, letting him get bored... what if next weekend he finds somebody to hang out with?

 

I've thought about getting a new name on YM. But I use my current name for everything! Right now, I'm still not logging on because the temptation to send him a message might be too much. Then again, I can remove him. But then I won't be able to see if he's online or not, whether he's home or not. AGHH I know, its so psycho. I am never this crazy. I'm usually normal.

[BrokenTinMan]

I just noticed, this thread has grown to 3 pages.

 

I didn't contact the ex. I didn't break NC, thanks to you folks who stopped me. The desire is still there, I'll be honest. But its not as strong. ow its just festering in the back of mind, as opposed to being front and center.

 

And... its 9:40 PM. Friday night is almost over. The madness for tonight, has passed. Now I only have to deal with Saturday and Sunday...