Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I need some advice... This is long but please read it.. I'm desperate for help! I'm set to get married to my fiancée of 2 years in April... the problem is we keep fighting. Last night we had an argument because well.... He has a facebook account but never uses it, I always said Id like it if he updated his page for me, but he never does. He said he didn't see the point. All of a sudden he started using his account taking lots of photos of himself. I logged into his page to see why, and low and behold his crush of 9 years (who he was - and may still be - completely obsessed with) had accepted his request to be friends. I didn't think this was a coincidense so i told him it made me sad hed update the page for her and not me. He got mad and hung up on me... eventually he started calling my phone again. I was so upset I didn't want to talk to him so I let it ring for about an hour till I gave up an answered. By this time he was pissed off because I didn't answer the phone, and that I was "accusing him of cheating" ( I said NOTHING of the sort ). I said to him... "I don't feel like you love me much any more when you talk to me like this"... so to "convince" me he loves me... HE PUT HIS MOM ON THE PHONE. At this point I was utterly humiliated she'd heard what I said about not feeling loved, and I panicked and hung up on his mom. Why did he bring his MOM into the phone call? Later that night I talked to him again and he was ballistic now, screaming and crying. He yelled at me and said how dare I make him cry, and how he was a mess. Then he told me off for making his MOM cry ( ?). Apparently his mom was crying cause she cant see her son in such "pain". Then he started saying it was over, and that he was seriously considering leaving me, and said il give you one last chance. At this point I was bewildered by his extreme sensitivity and emotional instability so I had no idea what to do. I asked him to give me a break for a few days. I am SO CONFUSED! - First off, why does he bring his mom into our arguments? (I told him it was private , which he translated as me making him decide between me and his parents!) - Secondly what is with him crying so suddenly (and his mom too) I just hung up the phone and laid in bed for a hour, I come back and they're all screaming and crying?! - Lastly... I hate to say it but do you think we should cancel the wedding? I feel like he has issues I just don't understand... is immature and well I feel like he's too much of a Mommys boy. Is this an unfair judgement? He has suggested relationship counselling but will this help? I don't feel like i did anything wrong by saying stuff about facebook... P.S - During the argument he was swearing and calling me certain names a lot... like etc... which i thought was scary (he seems to have anger management problems) Link to comment
rosephase Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 How old are you guys? Bringing his mom into things seems odd to me, had he ever done that before? You say "he seems to have anger management problems", had you not noticed that in the two years you have been together? Link to comment
fivespot Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Wow... I wonder if the creators of myspace and facebook ever considered what their sites would do to people! But you can't blame these sites. Yes, they are annoying and have a way of causing drama like this. But you can't blame those sites for your problems. They might cause the spark, but believe me, if you guys are fighting like this over something so trivial, then you obviously have deep issues you need to work out first. And by trivial, I mean fighting about facebook. However, all this is sparked by facebook, but there are problems undeneath. Personally, I think you're right to be angry. My ex used to pull the same nonsense all the time. How would you like it if you tried to get your SO to quit smoking the whole time you were together...but then one day your SO decides to do it not because you want them to, but because someone they like wants them to??? First of all, the way he's carrying on like this is not normal. He should fight his own battles, not run to mommy everytime someone questions him. It seems like he's got a lot of growing up to do. Not to sound harsh, but you might have been blowing things out of proportion with the facebook thing. However, I'd be suspicious, too, if all of a sudden there was peak in interest all because someone your SO used to like is on there. You know your SO, so you be the judge. Did you jump to conclusions? Only you know that. The first thing you need to do is have a long talk with him. If you can't work out problems now, what makes you think you'll be able to when you're married??? Good luck. Link to comment
Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 We're both 23... I always thought it was a bit weird how he always has to call his mum if we decide to go out, and often when he comes over to my place his phone will be always ringing from his mum or dad. He always is busy doing free work for his dad too. I've noticed his anger problems for a while but he usually apologizes when he yells at me and he's said before he will stop it or get anger management or something... I thought the mum thing was weird too but he says its normal and that Im just trying to make him cut off contact with his family?! Link to comment
redrose85 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 The mom thing isn't normal. If you marry this guy, you are going to be stuck trying to change him, which you shouldn't need to do if you want to spend your life with him. It sounds like you should call things off before you both make a big mistake. Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Wow, it sounds like he has some serious issues. I agree that facebook is a silly thing to be fighting over, but his reactions were blown far out of proportion. I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who caused this much drama over something relatively small. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Honestly, i wouldn't cancel it, but maybe post pone it? For awhile.. I know it's very last minute but you guys are not ready at all to get married. Link to comment
Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 That's what I've considered the most... post poning the wedding for at least 6 months.. unfortunately for me however he has other issues that I have to deal with too... and it's stressfull. until now Iv been trying to help him out but its just so humiliating when he brings his mum into it and complains about me to his mum. I try to tell him it should be between us but he said "he needs advice from someone". When I told him parents are for advice but you dont ask them for advice on your SO ... he disagreed... I know theres stuff underlying, once I was getting self-doubty and said he thought i was ugly and didn't love me (I was have a very very bad day) and he swerved the car and said hed kill us both... he didn't mean it but it scared me. He immediately pulled the car over and apologized saying he was being stupid and he didn't mean it. I believe he didnt mean it but it was still scary... Link to comment
Shiranai Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 The face book thing is a silly fight... but the mom thing would make me run like the wind. What the heck is wrong with his family!?!?!?? Is he going to run to his mom and get her involved everytime you two fight in the future? Do you have to please not just one guy but his parents as well in the future? A lot of men from my culture are like your fiance. I've seen many many marriages ruined because of people like that. That's precisely why I decided to never date any of them. What I'm doing is probably very unfair to the normal men from my culture, but their numbers are too rare I don't want to risk my happiness over it. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 At the very least I would postpone this wedding until you can get these communication issues resolved. It's very childish and manipulative for him to put his mother in the middle of a private discussion/argument between his fiance (soon to be wife) and himself- that is completely unacceptable. Has he done this sort of thing before? And calling you those names is unacceptable and completely disrespectful. I think the facebook issue is a bit silly in itself, but the issue behind it ( you feeling he has feelings for another woman that he's been carrying a torch for for 9 years and being insecure about it as most would) is the bigger problem. Until these issues are addressed, getting married is not going help or solve them, and in fact you may find yourselves in the middle of an ugly separation/divorce before too long if you do not take the time to address them before walking down the aisle. You mentioned he would be willing to go to relationship counseling? I suggest you make an appt asap. Write down the issues that have been bothering you and tell him to do the same and bring them with you. Link to comment
lizer Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 be very wary of this behavior. i would postpone the wedding indefinitely. 2 years isnt really that long of a time to date anyways, and you're already seeing signs of him ... changing, so to speak. relationships ARE about adapting, but no one should have to adapt to anger. he needs help. he has things bubbling under the surface that you may know little of. he needs to go see someone. therapy. and perhaps you could tag along after he goes alone for awhile. have you even been to a pre marital counselor? that is seriously important. Link to comment
Aleadragonhawk Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Relationship counseling sounds like a good idea, but the thing with the car makes me think that this guy might just be unstable. Are you in the relationship right now because you want to be, or because you think you shouldn't leave? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Asking for a parents advice is one thing, but putting her on the phone is beyond out of line. For me, I'd not marry a man that would scream, call names, bring other people into a disagreement, and be so out of control of himself. You were right not to answer the phone when he hung up on you, he was acting childish at that point and just continued to be out of line. You were right to not talk to his Mom, she's not involved, this is between you and him. I think you should not get married until he has seen a lot of time with a counselor. His anger is over the top, his need to bring his mom in is a HUGE RED FLAG. You are going to marry him, not her, your relationship is between you TWO only, family is still there, but there are only TWO people in a marital bed. Communication is a big part of being in a relationship, you two need to be able to talk (not yell) and work things through together (no mom). Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 i totally agree, and with CB also. if you two are going to get married, he simply cannot put his mom on the phone to 'back him up.' that is insane, and just not a good sign for a marriage. yes, i certainly agree with putting the marriage on hold, and going to a counselor. i know you might feel pressured with all the invites being sent, caterer picked, etc.... but you two need to sort out issues now. the wedding can be postponed, that is a lot less of a mess than a divorce. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 I know theres stuff underlying, once I was getting self-doubty and said he thought i was ugly and didn't love me (I was have a very very bad day) and he swerved the car and said hed kill us both... he didn't mean it but it scared me. He immediately pulled the car over and apologized saying he was being stupid and he didn't mean it. I believe he didnt mean it but it was still scary... The behaviour you're describing above is very unstable...it's cruel and threatening. I think at the very least you should postpone the wedding and seek pre-marital counselling. He has some very serious issues...involving his mom in your arguments is childish and a problem, but I'd be even more concerned about the way he handles his anger. Link to comment
Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Well I asked him to come over today and we're going to park the car somewhere secluded (where the parents cant get involved) and talk about all this. Its difficult though because everytime I tell him he needs to change he'll go "Ok I will I promise. thigns will be better il never do it again" But then he never *does* anything about it. What is with that? I feel so reassured by your comments. Thank you, seriously. He kept saying that I was being horrible and I made his life a living hell so I assumed it was me up until this morning. Sometimes I feel like he just wants to get married because all his friends are and his mom got married young too. It never really felt like he wanted *me*... But that could just be because its hard to see someone loves you when theyre always blaming you for things and disregarding you like youre invisible. It makes me very sad. Do you think it would be out of line for me to ask him to get counselling before we both went in for relationship counselling?? I have a feeling the counselling will do nothing but show me how many problems he has. He's been to a counsellor before for another issue he has... I went in for one of the sessions and he lied to the counsellor a lot. She said his other issues might have to do with him still being babied by his parents and he denied it and said that he was independent so she moved on... Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 The behaviour you're describing above is very unstable...it's cruel and threatening. I think at the very least you should postpone the wedding and seek pre-marital counselling. He has some very serious issues...involving his mom in your arguments is childish and a problem, but I'd be even more concerned about the way he handles his anger. oh wow, i totally missed that. yes, that is very very scary. i would have run away. no, you aren't overexaggerating, these are serious issues. i'd say, 'let's sign up for counseling and pull out the phone book.' if he doesn't agree right then and there, i say forget it. you can only listen to so much, 'i'll change, i'll change.' eventually, you just have to put your foot down, and if he isn't doing something to SHOW you that he is changing, forget it. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 You've heard empty promises already and seen nothing come of it, which is why I think you need to go to counseling together and postpone this wedding for at least 6 months, possibly longer so you can see actual ACTIONS- not empty words. If you don't see actions showing improvement, I would cancel the wedding altogether. Sometimes I feel like he just wants to get married because all his friends are and his mum got married young too. It never really felt like he wanted *me*... If you really feel this way there is no way you should be marrying this guy. Link to comment
greensleeves Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Has he ever gotten physical with you, even in a way that seems "minor" to you? For instance has he ever shoved you or anything like that? Link to comment
CarnelianButterfly Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 oh wow, i totally missed that. yes, that is very very scary. i would have run away. no, you aren't overexaggerating, these are serious issues. i'd say, 'let's sign up for counseling and pull out the phone book.' if he doesn't agree right then and there, i say forget it. you can only listen to so much, 'i'll change, i'll change.' eventually, you just have to put your foot down, and if he isn't doing something to SHOW you that he is changing, forget it. I missed that, too. Holy crap! That's a deal breaker, I'd have walked. Totally agree. He needs to be in counseling yesterday. If you do go to the counselor call him out on every lie, call him out on his exaggerations, tell the counselor his threats, his abuse, and his anger. I doubt relationship counseling is all he needs. Link to comment
Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Has he ever gotten physical with you, even in a way that seems "minor" to you? For instance has he ever shoved you or anything like that? Yeah in that he's held my arms hard when Ive tried to walk away (he always does that in arguments because he has to "fix" everything immediately. Often I want to walk away to calm down before talking about it but hell force me to stay there) If often punches and hits things around me ... the other day he through a bag near me at a tree, just missing me... but he hasnt actually hit me or anything. I think the worst thing he ever did was spit in my face... but we were having a big argument at the time and i was ignoring him and listening to head phones to try and tune him out. I guess he got frustrated. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 do NOT marry this man!!!!! run as fast as you can. he will abuse you, sooner or later, get out now!!!! Link to comment
Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Relationship counseling sounds like a good idea, but the thing with the car makes me think that this guy might just be unstable. Are you in the relationship right now because you want to be, or because you think you shouldn't leave? Its hard to say but I think Im staying with him because I love him when hes not angry... sometimes he shows moments of maturity which I adore... and half of me thinks he just needs a bit of time to grow up. He admits most of his faults too and he apologizes. Hes suggested counselling so all hope isn't lost... however Im starting to think he wont change and I dont think he realises how much he hurts me.. he only goes on about me hurting him Link to comment
Wand Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 do NOT marry this man!!!!! run as fast as you can. he will abuse you, sooner or later, get out now!!!! Even if he gets help?? He's usually very loving and affectionate... its just when his angry he acts very irrationally... Link to comment
greensleeves Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Wand...abuse can start off very slowly. He's been verbally abusive, for instance calling you "ugly" and I imagine you could probably list a number of other cruel things he's said to you. Spitting in your face is completely unacceptable, it's demeaning. He's made threats to kill you both, he's put you in a dangerous situation by swerving the car, he's held your arms and he's punched things "around" you. Abusers can be very charming when they want to be and the pattern of abuse followed by sincere apologies is very common. This will not get better and I believe it will inevitably get much worse given time. I urge you to walk away from this man...even if he agrees to counselling, I think you need to take a complete break from him, at least for now. Give yourself time away from him to think about what you really want in a husband and possibly a future father for your children some day. You deserve to have an equal and loving partnership with someone. A person who would spit in your face is not that person. Link to comment
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