I cannot say NO

[sweetjg]

So this story has been going on forever. My ex of 4 yrs and I broke up in March. Since then I was single, he, however dated 1 girl for a month (for sex), was insterested in another one but she said no, and now he's telling me again he's interested in someone else (not the first time).

Nevertheless, smth always happened between us in between and during.

He pushes me away every time afterwards and blaims me for stuff happening cause "I stayed over", which is not always the case either. But every time I try to push away he comes back all sweet and such, until smth happens and there he goes pushing me away.

I feel like a basket ball. He constantly bounces me, says "I'm interested in someone", "I'm not", and after every one of those "I guess I was lying to you (about being interested/not interested in someone)".

He leads me on. On saturday he sent me a song by Grath brooks called more than a memory, and said "I know I should move on and I don't undertsand why I can't". I asked him what he was talking about and he said "you".

We had a huge fight on Tuesday, he called me to hang out on Thursday, but I was still mad so he destroyed me again. I knew I had to say no but I couldn't. I told him he could come over and he kicked my butt. I'm sick of him telling me he doesnt want anything with me, that to him I'm not dating material (after 4 yrs together), and that he's looking for someone else, but then send me romantic songs and deny it every time we have a fight, and say I took it the wrong way. How can I possibly take the wrog way smth that was said so clearly.

It's like I don't get a break. he's always "interested, liking, haveng feelings, or dating" someone else, but for some reason he is ALWAYS close to me.

Then I confront him and ask why he's always hugging and touching me if he wants nothing to which he always says "fine, I wont do it anymore", and then it happens again.

I know I have to stay away but I just can't. I don't do well at work, I don't sleep, it's horrible. I'm in a new city, and I didn't really make any friends cause I spent so much time with him, I don't really have anyone to talk to. I'm sooo weak I actually cannot say no, I have no selfrespect and pride left. I know I will see him cause I can't help it, he'll call me and I'll say yes , and he will never, ever leave me alone. But then even if I see him what can I do to make it a bit easier on me and to make him see he cannot abuse me anymore?

I'm a mess. What can I do? Not let him touch me, but he will, and eventually I;ll cave in, and get hurt. I cannot make myself date someone else. There're people, but I just cannot, it makes me sick to my stomach. I went from being a social butterfly, and a happy person to being a loner and someone who cries all the time.

And the worst thing is I know that once I stand up to him, he'll try something again. That has happened before. I cannot stay away anymore, I'm addicted, I hit a rick bottom. How can I make him have respect for me? And stop telling me he's interested in someone all the time?

Has someone been in the same situation and actually did smth about it? Please, help me.

[LilBear]

Yes I'm pretty much in the same situation. Was in. He just wants to keep you "there". I call it "mind f***ing". You said you're like a basketball. So don't bounce back. Go NC on him. I know it's not easy, I'm going through this myself. I've to be strong for my own sake, and so can you.

 

You can see this through.

[rosephase]

That sucks. It sounds like he wants to keep you around until he knows for sure he has someone else. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you or even that he knows what he is doing but you have to do what's right for you and that sounds like putting some space between you and your ex. And I know that that might seem impossible, but it doesn’t sound like it's going to get any better until you do.

[Clabs]

Oh sweetjg.

 

This nasty bastard continues to abuse you. He erodes your self esteem - your self worth - your dignity. He has stolen your pride. God - I want to come out there and batter him senseless with a baseball bat.

 

If you carry on like this and allow this disgusting abuse to continue you are gonna end up in a nut house, because he won't stop until every ounce of you body is wrung dry of anything good. And then he will leave.

 

Darling - only you can save yourself from this. And you must save yourself. Your self respect and esteem and pride can return, if you give them a chance, but you won't do it whilst you let him back in to abuse you in this vile manner.

 

You are addicted to this? What, addicted to abuse? You sure about that?

 

You cannot make him respect you - he will NEVER respect you. But you CAN RESPECT YOU. And you can stop him telling you he is interested in someone else - stop contacting - change your phone numbers - block him on IM - throw all his cr@p out.

 

You do have help and support - come back here for friendship and to talk to people who understand what you are going through.

 

You can do this, but the longer you allow this rotten nasty bastard back in, the weaker you will become and the harder it will be.

 

We are all here for you darling - choose to live and get away from this pathetic existence.

 

Mark

[knightNshiningarmor]

ya you have to make the decision if youd rather be miserable with this guy or look for someone else who can make you feel wonderful.. i went through this as a guy and although i do think my friend cared for me i also dont think she respected me enough to realize what she was doing. If your not strong enough to just say no.. then your going to have to do something drastic..like change your number..and go strict no contact..trust me all he wants is a permanent back up plan while hes trying out other girls...but the problem with back ups is that they will always be back ups...your worth more then this and for your sake i hope you can get the courage to completely leave this person they dont even sound worth keeping a friendship with.

[itsallgrand]

Mark is right on the button here!

 

And yes, we are here for you. You CAN do this - and the way to do it is to start to address all these reasons for why you feel so vulnerable that you keep going back to him.

 

It's obvious you can see intellectually that he is bad for you, treats you horribly and abusively, destroys your self esteem and self respect.

 

Yet you go back. Not because you have nothing left inside you (there is always something left to work with so long as you alive, lady!) - there is still the strong, independent, happy and social butterfly in there.

 

The problem is that this man is choking it out of you - get rid of him, and you can start to get her back. Sometimes the solution is simple, though not necessarily easy to do.

 

The first thing needed is for you to start to believe that there is another way, that you do have some control over yourself.

 

Let's imagine that you are leaving him for good - if that were the case, what would you be doing for yourself and doing differently?

 

What would help you to do that?

[sweetjg]

Thank you for your answers .... You guys actually made me feel better ...

Sigh, what really sucks about this whole thing is that I do feel that he's hurting sometimes and it kills me, but then I don't understand why he's trying so hard to throw into my face that he doesn't wanna date me. If we're friends then act like one which you don't. If we aren't then act like smth more which you don't. What is the point of keeping me on the side if he knows it will only be a headache for him. I mean, there's a lot of girls that would do one night stand or short relationship if that what he needs. I requiere more emotions, and attention, and everything in between. I just never understand that.

If a guy only wants sex, isn't it easier to find it on the side than come back to someone who has feelings for you, and you know it would much easier on your consciousness. And if emotions count then why tell me he's interested in someone else without wanting to intentionally hurt me.

And also, is it possible that a person who is so emotionally unstable right now, can have a stable and good relationship right away?

I never have answers to these questions myself

[sweetjg]

itsallgrand,

I guess I keep going back to him because I don't know any better. I ask that question myself. He was my first guy, my first, real, true love. He was there for me, and he was everything I was looking for. He caught me in a bad moment and somehoe, in my brin, he;s my saviour. The only one, you know.

I tried to stay away, once, twice, three times. I did it!!! he brought me back, once after 7 months to be "friends", just to spill his emotions to me. Apparently after March we don;t fit anymore but I've been hearing variations of the same excuse for awhile. It's just each time after coming back it gets harder, I get less selfesteem, less value. He actually ends up convincing me I am not that much. And when I try to tell him I am, he says I put myself on a pedestal.

I guess I keep coming back to him because I never felt that good with anyone. I had boyfriends before, but I never got so emotionally attached. They had no way of destroying me like this. And he could. To me he's the only one who can take the pain away cause he's the only one who always did, he's the only one that made me feel so miserable. Messed up, right?

[LilBear]

That's because he's an immature, selfish jerk?

He's not making you feel good about yourself right now, in fact what he's been doing so far has been hurting you.

 

I suggest you change your number, it's not the solution, but it's the first step.

[PixelPusher]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I agree with rest here though... you CAN stand up for yourself and you NEED to. This guy doesn't love you or respect you and he is a master manipulator.

 

Don't feel bad about being sucked in by his mind games... he's good at them. But you need to stand up, break contact completely, and start living your life for YOU. He tells you everything that you want to hear, but that doesn't make it true. Seriously... this guys is getting his jollies off manipulating and hurting you.

 

As to your last question: no, I don't think it is possible for someone emotionally unstable to have a good relationship. All successful relationships require a stable foundation. If you don't have that, everything you build on top of it can come tumbling down with the slightest "shake."

 

You CAN do it... don't let this guy manipulate you any more. You are worth SO much more...

[Artop]

Hi, Sweetjg,

I am going through the same thing myself. He is playing with you, intentionally or not.

By him giving you a little then take it away, he/the relationship becomes more and more precious to you. Every time he "comes back" to you, you are so afraid to lose him again, so you keep remember the good times and ignoring the pain he caused you when he left you. I guess the key is to back off and really SEE and LOOK AT him/the relationship from a third person point of view. Was he really that great? Was the relationship really that great? Do I want to act like a puppy dog and chase after this stick that he never actually thrown? (nothing against puppy dogs, of course)