Problems with my sister

[thebluest]

I have a younger sister, she's 17, turning 18 in August, and by all accounts almost an adult. She's the only sibling I have, and I think she's experiencing a lot of problems that I'm not sure how to deal with.

 

The issue is that my parents and I have been concerned that she's been stealing money from our purses, most recently just today when my mum discovered $200 missing. Now, there's really no reason for her to have to take the money - our family traditionally doesn't deal with allowances and my sister and I get money on a 'as needed' basis with always something to spare. She doesn't work as there's a large focus on her studies right now. And as she's in the midst of her final year at school with exams looming, she's been stressed and very irritable, so we don't want to ask her outright whether she's taken the money. We've surreptitiously done a quick search of her bag and room just to see if she's stashed it somewhere so we'd know for certain that she took it, but no luck.

 

The problem is that she's not very forthcoming about the deeper aspects of her life, her and I are close in the sense that she'd talk to me about things happening at school, fights with friends and so forth, but not about a crush she has on a guy or skipping school or anything like that. I think because of the age difference between us, I've become a third parent at some point, something I regret happening. There's animosity between my dad and her, because he has a temper and arguments are common mostly surrounding issues of respect and her lack of focus on her studies.

 

I think the issue is compounded by me being so successful in my academics, work and social life, and there is unintentional pressure placed on her to make a decent comparison to me. This is also something I've regret, because that kind of pressure is never healthy for a growing teenager.

 

There's also some history of her taking smaller sums of money before from money boxes and other places. I think those times she eventually told us that she used the money to buy presents for friends and other random nicknacks like jewelry and stationary. Her personality in general is very competitive with her friends, wants to show up appearances, appear to have the best and show that off. So my family has been critical of that tendency, and I fear so critical of it that she's been afraid to openly use money to buy those things anymore.

 

I'm really at my wit's end about this, so sorry for the lengthy post, I'm just trying to wrap my mind around why this is happening and what I can do to make things better for her, I feel like her actions are not wholly my fault or my parents' fault, but a combination of how we've been critical of her and her natural tendency to wait to please her friends. I'm trying hard to sympathise with her, but I don't know how I should approach this situation, it's so frustrating. :sad:

[kevinm]

Hummmm. I'd confront her about the money. 17 is young, yes, but plenty old enough to know right from wrong. Everyone deals with stress in life, and they only become greater as we get older. She's going to have to learn how to deal with situations in life.

 

I suspect there is another problem here. $200 is a bit of money without anything showing up. Drugs come to mind, consistent with other behaviors she's displayed. I say follow the money and you'll find the real problem

 

-Kevin

[SapphireNoir10]

You have to talk to her about it. Dont say it in a confrontational way. Just ask "Did you need any money and take it off mum?" Or "Are you short on cash" Try and make it so your not outrightly accusing her of being a thief but that you understand if she has any problems she can say.

 

You have to get to the bottom of it. The above poster is right. It sounds possibly like she might be into drugs, or drinking, she should be able to ask you for a reasonable amount of money, but if she's doing drugs maybe she cant afford to keep her habit and has to steal. Or shes afraid to ask for the money because she can't say what she actually wants it for.

[jsx730]

I agree with the other 2 posters. Like you said, why would she steal money when she can ask for it?

 

When she asks for it she needs a reason, and she can't say "because I need to buy more drugs..."

[thebluest]

Hummmm. I'd confront her about the money. 17 is young, yes, but plenty old enough to know right from wrong. Everyone deals with stress in life, and they only become greater as we get older. She's going to have to learn how to deal with situations in life.

 

I suspect there is another problem here. $200 is a bit of money without anything showing up. Drugs come to mind, consistent with other behaviors she's displayed. I say follow the money and you'll find the real problem

 

-Kevin

 

The crux of the matter is that we're not 100% sure if she took the money. There's the off chance that one of my parents was forgetful and miscounted somewhere (very very slim chance of that since my mum had run out of money that morning, my dad handed over $500, and my mum didn't go out the entire day and checked in the afternoon to find $200 missing).

 

I don't know, but I don't think it's drugs. I really don't think it's drugs, I mean, I went through high school myself not too long ago and I never even rubbed shoulders with any thing drug related. But you're right, if she's spent $200 then she has to have something to show about it.

 

She did come home with presents from her friends yesterday, I didn't think anything of it since the money went missing today. But she said her friend came home from a trip and bought some souvenirs, definitely things not worth $200, maybe $20-$25 worth, but she's not unknown to skipping classes and going shopping... maybe she borrowed money from friends to buy things and wanted to pay them back today... I don't know, this speculation is really upsetting me.

 

You have to talk to her about it. Dont say it in a confrontational way. Just ask "Did you need any money and take it off mum?" Or "Are you short on cash" Try and make it so your not outrightly accusing her of being a thief but that you understand if she has any problems she can say.

 

You have to get to the bottom of it. The above poster is right. It sounds possibly like she might be into drugs, or drinking, she should be able to ask you for a reasonable amount of money, but if she's doing drugs maybe she cant afford to keep her habit and has to steal. Or shes afraid to ask for the money because she can't say what she actually wants it for.

 

I'll try your tactic and ask her in an unconfrontational manner, it's just that I find it difficult not to be unconfrontational... I mean, we don't have hush-hush talk between the two of us, but I'll have to give this a go because I think she needs a lot of help.

[DN]

I think this definitely something that should be addressed but I am sure that it should be addressed by your parents and not by you. If she already feels resentful of you and doesn't confide all her secrets in you then I think your intervention could easily make matters worse.

 

What will you do if she just says "No!" You have no proof and have to accept what she says and bear her resentment.

 

Your parents however are in a position of authority and can put more pressure on her to tell the truth.

[thebluest]

I think this definitely something that should be addressed but I am sure that it should be addressed by your parents and not by you. If she already feels resentful of you and doesn't confide all her secrets in you then I think your intervention could easily make matters worse.

 

What will you do if she just says "No!" You have no proof and have to accept what she says and bear her resentment.

 

Your parents however are in a position of authority and can put more pressure on her to tell the truth.

 

You have a point, my sister has a close relationship with my mum, but I'd still venture to say that it's still a mother-daughter relationship. I'm not sure either one is going to deal well with it. I don't know how to describe my mum... she's a lady, from the old-world model of a woman (think of a strong business minded asian woman, very well mannered, social and charming, but classically mannered). i.e. a little removed from the reality of youth. I find it hard to identify with her as if her advice is just too removed from the modern reality,

 

When my mum told me about this today, her main theory was that my sister was taking the money to support a boyfriend. Giving it to him, or buying him things. Which is consistent with her need to please others and be loved... Does this sound at all like a plausible theory? I really can't think straight right now, I'm feeling so lost.

 

I just feel like such a failure to not have made sure she felt loved and cared for, to the extent that she needs to look at friends to get approval. But that's not important, right now I just want to figure out what to do to help my sister.

[DN]

You are not a failure at all. Nor are you responsible. Your sister is old enough to make her own decisions. Take that burden off your shoulders because it doesn't belong there.

 

Her motive for stealing is secondary right now. First establish that she stole it and then find out why. And she should not be given a pass because she is feeling inferior, stressed, anxious to please her friends or boyfriend. If she is allowed to 'get away' with it she will have learned to manipulate.

 

Being held responsible is part of being an adult.

[SapphireNoir10]

She is your sister and thereforeeee you do have some responsibility towards her but your not responsible for what she does. I think talking to her isnt a bad idea. You don't have to come accross as authorative or controlling. Just bring it up! If she has stolen the money, she shouldnt go unpunished unless shes in desperate need of help.

[Kantriakhor]

I agree, the brother bears no responsibility, being blood-related doesn't make you her caretaker in and of itself. First find out if she actually stole it, then you can go into the why.

[thebluest]

You are not a failure at all. Nor are you responsible. Your sister is old enough to make her own decisions. Take that burden off your shoulders because it doesn't belong there.

 

Her motive for stealing is secondary right now. First establish that she stole it and then find out why. And she should not be given a pass because she is feeling inferior, stressed, anxious to please her friends or boyfriend. If she is allowed to 'get away' with it she will have learned to manipulate.

 

Being held responsible is part of being an adult.

 

Thanks DN, it's still very hard not to feel at fault for this though. I'm trying to see it from her shoes and not blame her too harshly since that'll just push her away, but I'll make sure not to let her get away with her behaviour either.

 

I'll do my best to phrase my questioning so it doesn't sound like an interrogation. RoseJessica's suggestion of 'are you short on cash lately?' sounds like a good way to begin the conversation, I hope she's honest and explains what's been happening.

 

I agree, the brother bears no responsibility, being blood-related doesn't make you her caretaker in and of itself. First find out if she actually stole it, then you can go into the why.

 

Well, sister, but I appreciate your point. I'm trying to stay away from the self-blame for this first, because that's my immediate reaction and I know it's not helpful to the situation.

 

Thank you for all the advice so far, I've calmed down heaps reading your thoughts. Judging from the responses I need to find a medium between criticising her and babying her, where she knows what she did was wrong but that we're trying to help her and will forgive her if she cooperates and explains what's been going on.

[DN]

Just for the record - I still think you will be making a big mistake in talking to her about this at all.

 

Just for a moment - ask yourself what you think her reaction will be?

[thebluest]

Just for the record - I still think you will be making a big mistake in talking to her about this at all.

 

Just for a moment - ask yourself what you think her reaction will be?

 

But if I don't talk to her, what would you suggest I do instead?

[DN]

Suggest to your Mother that she should - she is the one who should be doing this in everyone's interest, including your sister.

[richmonder80]

Looks like she has a drug problems...she must be using the money for her habit.

[DN]

Looks like she has a drug problems...she must be using the money for her habit.

That is possible but if that is the case then she would likely be stealing money from other people as well or doing something else to obtain it. Drug habits are expensive and on-going.