hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 After being engaged and together for 5 years, my ex up and left in a matter of 5 days. Completely out of left field. Went to visit her family for a week, came back and said " I dunno what I want or need anymore, I need to be with my family" and moved 1600 miles away by the end of the week....That was back in August... Since then, the first couple months I was wrecked emotionally.. and I found alot of support on here from all you guys.. and from my heart I completely appreciate your support... Looking back, ever since she left, my life has been going great... Work has been great, making good money, completely enjoying myself and having a good time... I've been dating alot and currently seeing someone now... So like clockwork, I get a text tonight... Her: Hey its ****, I know you don't wanna hear from me, but I would like to sit down with you and talk...I heard about the movie you did and I'm really excited for you Me: I don't think there's anything to talk about... Her: So I guess thats a no.. Me: I don't have anything to say to you... Her: This is really hard on me and I really miss you... Me: You made this choice, you left... This is what you wanted and this is how it is... Her: I Know Her: I was wrong and I made a mistake.. Her: Now I have to live with the consequence That was it, I didn't respond back.... Link to comment
AnxiousGirl Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Yea, ain't that the truth! It always comes when you least expect it You did a great job in responding to her. I don't know why they think they can come in and out of our lives as they please. Now that the tables have turned, do you have any regret in turning her down? Link to comment
scotty77 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 I wouldn't let her suck you back in.It probably wasn't as out of the blue as you thought though,there must have been some signs that things weren't going that well. Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 Nope..... It would have been different if it was 4 months ago, but right now I think its the right decision...Plus what kind of effort is texting someone... Thats a lame way of trying to get someone back you were with for 5 years... More texts came in... Her: OK I guess you're done talking to me so I take it you dont wanna get together and talk Me: I don't think its a good idea.. I care about you, but I don't want to see you... Her: Ok Ill respect your wishes but I just want you to know I will always care about you and I'll always love you.. The offer is open if you change your mind.. Link to comment
Reilly2856 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Good for you! I must say you handled that wonderfully. They always come back... But you stood up for yourself and did what was best for you. Put yourself first always. Don't give into the temptation unless you feel your strong enough to listen to what she says without it costing you all the work you've done on getting over her. If you don't feel you can do that, forget about that offer. Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 I wish there were signs... We were together since she was 18, her family was pressuring her to go back to them...(major family issues, family wasn't in her life for years). The week before she left she was making appointments to look at places to get married at, online putting together invitations...etc... Link to comment
sti_2004 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 nice one dude. that was perfect. Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 I don't see a point in meeting up with her... I know I will be able to handle anything thrown my way without falling downward.... There is just no reason to meet up with her... She destroyed everything we had and did it very callously... How could I ever get trust back with her? I don't think I can. Link to comment
AnxiousGirl Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Nope. Someone who takes off just like that? I couldn't trust them! And I agree about the texting too. It's impersonal. She didn't have the guts to call you up. She's probably afraid of rejection so she took the easy way out. If you're going to come out of nowhere with hopes of reconciliation, at least, pick up a phone! Link to comment
BrokenTinMan Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 That was awesome. I wish I had the same indifference when my ex contacted me. Sometimes exes come back just to see if youre still on the hook. In this case... I don't know... she sounds like she's interested in getting back together. Link to comment
BrokenTinMan Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 What will you do if she makes more effort in the next few days? Link to comment
DN Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 If you are 100% certain that you don't want her and that you won't come to regret not seeing her then you have made the right choice. But - I suggest that you think very carefully. First reactions are not always the right reactions. She says she made a mistake in leaving you - make sure you aren't making a similar mistake now that you will regret later. My then girlfriend left me - and later came back. Not the exact same circumstances but not that dissimilar. We have now been married 33 years. Link to comment
BrokenTinMan Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 DN thats awesome. How long were you guys separated? Did you go NC back then? Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 I just believe things happen for a reason... Everyone told me to take this as a blessing... In the beginning it sucked and I was hurt...Now I feel like maybe it was for the better...From the day she left everything has been going really well for me.... I am an actor and things were slow all last year.. The day she packed up and left I wasn't even there because I was filming a commercial... From that point on I have gotten about 10 more jobs, plus a movie I acted in just got sold and I am invited to the Cannes film festival in France...That just happened 2 days ago when I was driving home from doing the voices in a video game... It has been crazy.... Seems like alot of things fell into place after she left... Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 I did NC pretty much from the day she walked out... I think I talked to her twice... The first was a week after she left when she called piss drunk.... The last time was when she called me back in December to tell me she was moving back near me.... She moved in with my best friends inlaws because she became friends with my Best Friends wife... That was about it... I ran into her quickly about 3 weeks ago, she said hi and I said whats up and that was it...I just walked away... Link to comment
DN Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 The reason she left was to return to Canada - I was living in England at the time. We wrote back and forth (long before the Internet!!) and eventually she decided she would rather live in England with me than in Canada without me. After we were married we decided to live here anyway. I don't know your exact circumstances but people leave relationships for many reasons and come to regret what they did. It is not always that they don't love enough - it's that they are pressured from two directions and under that pressure make the wrong decision. Later, they come to realise that and want to change it. It doesn't make them a bad person and it doesn't always mean their love wasn't strong enough. It simply means they needed time and a change of circumstances before their rational mind has a chance to sort out their emotions and see what it is they really want. My story turned out well but it was not the first time couples have split and then got back together and made a strong and enduring relationship and it won't be the last. She was torn and made the wrong decision. Now it seems she may want to change it. Make sure you make the right decisions - and for the right reasons. Don't turn her away as a sort of punishment for hurting you. If you don't want her because you don't love her, that is fine. But be sure that is the reason. Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 Of course I love her.. I always will.. I planned on spending my life with her....BUT I don't think I could ever look past what happened and the way things ended.... I am definitely not trying to punish her for hurting me... She has alot of baggage that I think really came out finally.... In a nutshell: Father in and out of her life, alcoholic, married 6 times, VERY manipulative, arrested numerous times, lots of drug charges. Brother is an alcoholic and pothead. Mother in and out of rehab...Always disappeared for months, never a mother, always tried to be the friend, the day I knew something was wrong with my ex,when she was visiting her family that week, her mother skipped out with some random guy and disappeared for 6 days, even tho she was engaged herself, wound up moving in with the guy she met because her fiance dumped her just after knowing the guy for 6 days....Grandparents and Uncles, Jehovas witnesses that can't be seen with her because she doesn't live their lifestyle. Her Uncle actually told her he wasn't gonna talk to her again because of this..She has lived with numerous family members while growing up. There's more, but I figure thats the meat of it.... I feel bad for her, and I wish her the best... Not to mention a week or so after she moved out of state she started dating a family friend....I guess the grass isn't always greener....... Also, looking back on our relationship, it just got too comfortable and mundane... We were like an old married couple.. She would come home from work, we'd make dinner, watch TV, then goto bed... Didn't go out too much becuase she always worked early or got home too late... She would also get irritated that she would work 40-50 hours a week and I would only work 15-20 and make more... Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Just remember. This is your last chance. After this she will be completely out of your life forever. If your truly ok with this and see no reason to look back, and feel that everythings better than dont even reply to her. A lot of people would kill for the 'mundaneness' of having someone to eat with and go to bed with every night. However it sounds like you had a lot of problems. Have you got your eye on anyone else? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Okay, I am with DN and Rose on this. You have only been broken up for 5 months from a long relationship/engagement and yet you say you have someone new...are you sure that is not rebound. Your life didn't come together workwise because your fiance left you..it came together because it was time for it to come together...the two are completely separate issues. I think you should think clearly about whether or not you are doing this to subconsciously get even...a knee jerk reaction...you hurt me thereforeeee I snub you. She clearly has a lot of problems and maybe she needed to sort things out. Things were clearly going down with her family and she didn't know which end was up. You might have been a little more open to talking to her to find out what what is going on, especially since you know about her messed up family situation. Be very careful in considering if you really really want her out of your life or if you will regret snubbing her later on. It is understandable that she sent you the text considering her previous efforts to get in touch were snubbed by you. There are two kinds of pride...smart pride and foolish pride. The smart pride allows a person to live their life with dignity and self-respect...the foolish pride results in a person cutting off their nose to spite their face. It is always a good idea to think about whether the choices we make are out of a sense of smart pride or foolish pride. Link to comment
lizer Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 she has a lot of baggage. but so does every single person in existence. and although you come off with an 'i dont care' attitude.. i can sense severe unforgiveness. you are angry with her, still. you have to understand that children with parents in toxic situations/relationships are very very very emotionally drained and torn. they dont know what to do/how to feel. they are not shown what a REAL relationship is. a positive relationship. they get scared and confused. please show her just a little bit of compassion and do not come off being a bragger. saying "my life has been amazing since she left".. she had nothing to do with the quantity of work you were/are getting. my first/only love of my life left me not too long after his parents got divorced. and we had three years together. he also moved away about a week after the split. treating the relationship as though it was nothingness! but if i can go deep inside, i can see a boy who got freaked out, and didnt know how to deal. and even though he hurt me deeply, i can have compassion for him. because i have no clue what its like. its fine if you dont want to be with her. but please dont forget the time you shared together. 5 years is a long time. if anything you should've shown a bit more softness in your response to her. no one deserves coldness. lord knows shes already experienced enough of it. shes finally realized what she wants. and its you. texts are lame as crap, but keep in mind, she is scared. she doesnt want to face rejection anymore than you do. Link to comment
matt24 Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 "She has a lot of baggage. but so does every single person in existence." I agree with this 100% LINZER, and everything else you said. Some people have different ways of dealing with things. She realizes she made a mistake, and that's the hardest thing to do is admit it. Honestly it's nice to see all the support here. Everyone screws up, and sometimes it's bad. My ex did to...but I know now she was in a bad spot when she made that choice. I don't hold it against her. I'm just glad we've gotten back to talking and I'm hopeful to see where it all goes... Link to comment
Wimpy Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Last weekend I was catching up with some family I've not seen for 15 years or so. My cousin's son (similar age to me as my cousin's lot older than me) is now with a woman he loves, they have a 2 year old and another one on the way. Apparently she left him after some time together "to see what else was out there" as he'd been her first proper relationship. My cousin and I were agreeing how lucky she was that he took her back. However, from what I gather he realised in the break-up that he could live without her and that during the relationship he had given way too much and been too accommodating. With this new insight and because he really loved her they got back together (not 100% sure of how) and they are now very happy together. I think the way you handled her contact was fantastic but 5 years is a long time so be sure that you are 100% sure you don't want to get back together before you close the door entirely. Link to comment
hopeless66 Posted February 6, 2008 Author Share Posted February 6, 2008 Sorry I haven't been on in a few days to respond... I never said I didn't care about her. I do care about her very much... Do I still love her? In some ways yes... I think she is just in a very bad place right now. I know its not my responsibility to "save" her. Not anymore... She called me again a few nights ago.... Extremely drunk at 2 in the morning... I picked up because I had no idea who's number it was.. She got a new phone and number that day.... Asking me what I was doing and why I was sleeping.... Then she kept asking me to come over.... I told her no thanks I'm going back to sleep and hung up... Not sure how good of an idea it is, but I agreed to meet her for coffee this week...I know what is going to be said on her end.... The I'm sorry's, the I made a mistake, I want things to be the way they were, I want to get back together..... The reason I am meeting with her is to tell her I am worried about her. That I think she needs to get her stuff together..That I don't want a party girl and as of right now, I don't want to be with her... That she has to grow and figure herself out.... These months apart I have grown and realized alot of stuff about myself, I took this time to grow as a person... On her end it seems as though she went backwards... She is still very insecure... She can't be alone... She can't grasp her own life.. She can't find herself... Not that I am above anyone, but hopefully my words will reach her in a way that she starts to realize that she is hurting herself.... I'm not going to be mean, I am just going to tell her how I feel. Link to comment
Belle Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 hopeless, I don't get the impression that you're so much angry at her as apathetic. That could be temporary, and it could also be the dynamics of push/pull. The tables are turned and now you have power. It may cause you regret later down teh line, but your reaction isn't strong so I'm not convinced you will. That being said, I understand why you don't want her back. False pride or any other pride, it's self preservation. Someone, for some unspecific reason decided they didn't want to be with you anymore and were willing to let you go knowing they could lose you for good. The person loses their luster, in my experience. Especially if we have self respect. There's not a whole lot you can do about it if you can't regain your feelings for the person. So far, I haven't in the couple of times that I tried. Link to comment
TropicalParadise Posted February 7, 2008 Share Posted February 7, 2008 I agree with Belle. It sounds to me like you're pretty much over her and that you've completely moved on. Are you seeing someone else right now? Either way, good for you for standing your ground. It's funny how exes usually come back once we've moved on and got on with our lives, huh? Link to comment
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