Was in abusive relationship. Can I find true love?

[Sweet Girl]

Hi I'm new and need advice. I just got out of a relationship with someone. I broke up with him originally because he's an alcoholic. A mean, verbally, emotionally abusive drunk. We would get back together and break up again. Things ended for good 3 weeks ago when he paraded another woman in front of me at dinner I was having with mutual friends.

 

This "man" would drink 5-6 beers during the day (he works from home) and then he'd drink more at night. Usually more beer or vodka with cranberry juice.

 

He would go into angry yelling rages at me. He even once hit his fist against a wall to intimidate me and on another occasion, he was walking my dog because I wasn't walking her right in his opinion that he yanked her so hard on her leash he flipped her over. She weighs 70+ pounds. He broke into the bathroom one time when I was in the shower and let himself in. All I wanted to be was left alone to take a shower by myself.

 

Believe it or not, I loved him. But, I know being away from him is the best thing that I can do for myself.

 

My question is this, I want to enter the dating "arena" again, but because of my experience with him, I'm really, really scared. I know that I deserve to love someone and be loved in return.

 

I guess my question is, how do I get over this abusive relationship I had with my ex and find true love?

[AnxiousGirl]

Are you sure you're ready to start dating again? Seriously, when you're involved with an alcoholic you become co-dependent on them. It's hard to break out of such a cycle with someone. You want to come to their rescue and save them, but the truth is that they have to want to change. Nothing we say or do will make that happen.

 

Trust me, if you think dating will make you get over this relationship I think you're sadly mistaken. If anything, you'd be rebounding and it's not really fair to the new guy. I think you would do so much better by taking some time to yourself, be on your own for a while.

 

You will find true love again but I don't think you should get involved in another relationship at this point. It'll just mask the pain temporarily.

[ResonanceTheory]

I think you just have to realize that he was just one man, and while there are other men out there that are like him, there are just as many, if not more, that aren't. It's important that you recognize abusive patterns and behaviors that might hint at habits that are detrimental. For example, if you're dating a guy and he has a drink or two with dinner, that's okay. But if he's sloshed every time you see him, chances are that good times are not in the future.

 

For example, my mom was chronically attracted to alcoholics. Of course, it wasn't the alcoholism that attracted her, but their charm, their social outgoingness, their cheerful personality, but in many of their cases, that was a function of their alcoholism and when they either a: got too drunk or b: got sober, they were different people, and it was very bad for her, and to this day she doesn't date or see anyone else.

 

You can avoid that by doing what I said above: trying to realize if this is a pattern with you or a one time thing, and either way you figure it, try and avoid men who fit the same mold as your ex.

[pepsi71ocean]

For example, if you're dating a guy and he has a drink or two with dinner, that's okay. But if he's sloshed every time you see him, chances are that good times are not in the future.

 

You can avoid that by doing what I said above: trying to realize if this is a pattern with you or a one time thing, and either way you figure it, try and avoid men who fit the same mold as your ex.

 

Some really useful information right there. You should see where and how you ended up with him and learn to spot those behaviors. As ResonanceTheory sated above is a good example.

 

You will find true love, don't worry about it, take your time and rebuild yourself.

[Aleadragonhawk]

The first step is time. You only got out of this relationship three weeks ago - you need to give yourself some time to heal and get on more stable ground. It sounds like you're moving toward that and seeing a lot of what was wrong, but if you don't give yourself time to be okay with you and really heal from this, it's going to be hard to have a healthy, loving relationship.

[flower99]

I agree first thing you need to do is take time to heal. Time for yourself, to discover yourself & find yourself again.

begin to ask yourself question....like - what made me fall for him? why did I allow him to treat me this way? what made me justify him behaivor? What warning signs did I have? what positives can I take from this relationship? what do I want for my next relationship? how to spot good qualities & poor qualities? what negative qualities did i have in that relationship that I could improve? why did I stay for so long? what made me have hope in what was so obviously wrong? what did I learn?

 

When i got out my abusive relaitonships I spent a lot of analyzing myself, asking myself these & other questions...so i could learn about myself & why i allowed myself to be in that situation so i wouldn't repeat it.

And I needed to learn what i really wanted & how to spot it, and how to spot what I didn't want for a future. and most of all I needed to figure how to love myself again. how to see what was good qualities I had & what I needed to work on so I could contribute to a healthy loving quality relationship. learn from the bad & turn it to good in your life....hugs. hope this helps some sweet girl.

I wish you the best. don't settle for less (:

p.s yes you can find true love.

[knightNshiningarmor]

if you meet a new guy and it begins to get serious i think you need to let him know... that you know this knew person isnt your ex but that you still have scars that need healing and hope that your new person will be understanding and able to help those scars mend...i dated a girl once who was coming out of this kind of relationship at first i was a little taken aback at her reaction to some instances but after her telling me this i was able to better understand where they were coming from. so be honest with your new partners...not on a first date or anything but when you feel the time is right..if hes a good guy it may turn out to be a really healthy thing for you.

[ghost69]

put yourself out there if you are ready. just maybe take it a bit slower than usual to get to know the person and get comfortable. learn that each guy should be trusted until otherwise. same thing i do with women. i've had some kooks in my past. but i don't hold that against the next girl.