locolady Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Hello all, I'm struggling to move on since my boyfriend of a year broke up with me for someone else about 2.5 months ago. I know its early days and i definitely dont want another relationship....but ive been really trying to make an effort to speak to guys if they approach me. I spent 18 months really depressed after my last relationship ended after 4 years with him cheating on me. (not having a good track record am i?!) So am trying to make more effort to recover this time around! However, when guys chat to me I feel more lonely and depressed than ever....all I want is my ex-boyfriend. He was my best friend and I miss him terribly. He was also the best looking guy ive ever seen! All i can see in my mind is how beautiful i thought he was and no-one compares. Im feeling just no connection with anyone - which is fine, its not been much time. However, i feel like im dead inside, I just cant find anyone attractive. It takes me a long time to fall for someone so when I do its hard! Although I loved my recent ex-boyfriend, I never stopped thinking about my other ex and it was only because i couldnt be with him that I had to finally accept that i had to move on. I dont mean I didnt love my last boyfriend, I really believe i did...but it was sort of like i only moved on because I had to. Now its the same....will I just constantly have to try to make do with someone new while I cant stop loving someone from the past who I simply cant have? Any advice welcome - thank you I Link to comment
locolady Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 i guess what i mean is if youre the one who has their heartbroken, if youre left devastated, wondering how on earth they werent as happy as you were. How they could possibly want to be with someone else....then can you ever really get over it? If you had to force yourself to move on, to stop dreaming, stop longing for that person, just block out the memories because you simply cant carry on wasting your life being desperately sad. Will you ever truly think someone new is better and get to a place where nothing would make you trade in what you have in the present for the person you had in the past? Link to comment
barbielovesmac Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 However, when guys chat to me I feel more lonely and depressed than ever....all I want is my ex-boyfriend. He was my best friend and I miss him terribly. He was also the best looking guy ive ever seen! All i can see in my mind is how beautiful i thought he was and no-one compares. Im feeling just no connection with anyone - which is fine, its not been much time. However, i feel like im dead inside, I just cant find anyone attractive. It's normal to feel this way. It just means that you simply aren't ready, and this is okay. You are feeling like you will never look at anyone the same and the truth to that is; you won't. You'll look at someone new in a different light and that is a good thing. No man is going to love you the same as your past partners. You will find someone who loves you better. But you won't get there until truly you move on. There is going to come a point when you will no longer compare and it will feel wonderful. There are millions of fish in this deep sea . . . don't limit yourself to this one. Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 at some point i think youll meet someone where you will realize the beauty of their soul and thats when you will forget all about the Adonis who left you. Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 best advice is dont be afraid to interact with people even though you know you dont see a future with them because they dont "compare"....never know you might get blindsided with something great Link to comment
locolady Posted January 30, 2008 Author Share Posted January 30, 2008 Yes thats what ive been trying to do, I guess it will just take time. Just to stress, its not because he was so good looking! Obviously thats meaning its hard to find someone instantly attractive but I never really do anyway, it always takes me a lot of getting to know someone. i really believe that its someones soul that it important. I was really really happy when he decided he didnt feel the same anymore (and promptly got with someone else - which i know means he cant have been as beautiful as i thought) I just want him so badly, i dont want to have to be with someone else. Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 i wish i had the advice you needed if i did id give it to my best friend who i love but still has some residual feelings for her x and i know we could never move on till she solves them...its been 2 years for her ...if your a relgious person then maybe you can turn to god.. first Corinthians 7 (not positive i know its around there...someone correct me) says to embrace our situation and that dwelling on it takes us away from god but accepting it and trusting in him will bring you closer and ultimately he will provide...so hope. Link to comment
BrokenTinMan Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Although I loved my recent ex-boyfriend, I never stopped thinking about my other ex and it was only because i couldnt be with him that I had to finally accept that i had to move on. I dont mean I didnt love my last boyfriend, I really believe i did...but it was sort of like i only moved on because I had to. My greatest fear right there. After my ex, I feel like I would just be settling for anybody else who comes along, regardless of how special they might be. When they say, you get over your ex, will you get over the standards your ex has made in your mind? I feel you when you say you get even more depressed when you try to entertain the thought of other people. I feel the same way. Eventually, I even start hating them because they are NOT like my ex, and why should they be? I can't help it. In my eyes, my ex was perfect. My friends and family don't think so of course, but he was everything I had wanted in a partner. Except the part where he walks out. I think you never really get over someone. They will always impact your decision making process in the future when you date people. Is it normal to feel that everything after the ex will be just settling for the next best thing? Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 god i hope not broken Link to comment
lonelygemini Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 After I broke up with my first love, I just knew that there would be no one else on this earth as handsome, intelligent, kind, etc. as he was. After about 3 months of exile (summer break), I tried dating around when I got back to school again. Granted, most of the guys weren’t even all that attractive to me and couple were downright jerks, but I kept trying. Plus my ex’s pedestal was slowly being chipped away by his jerky behavior. It took about 3-4 years for me to truly take a relationship for what it’s worth and not compare it to my old relationship. Mostly because I forgot all the nice things he did and remembered the jerk he was after our relationship ended! It may take time, but try to get back out there, even if it is just to go see the latest film or get a cup of coffee with someone you don’t particularly care for. Every guy doesn’t have to be a winner, but it does help to ease the pain of the last relationship ending. HTH & *hugs* Link to comment
lonelygemini Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Oh, I had to add on since I saw BrokenTinMan’s post. I think I really got over my ex when I finally realized that a new relationship wasn’t “settling”. Actually, I was sabotaging myself before by subconsciously getting into unhealthy relationships just so I could say “see, I tried, but he just couldn’t be like X”. I broke up with my ex almost 6 years ago…I have changed and grown so much it would really be hard to say whether he would still be the perfect man now. Heck, he tried to seduce me back in 2006 when he had a girl with a baby, so my guess would be “no”. To be more specific, I can’t tell if he could handle me moving accross the country to take care of a parent. I know my last ex wouldn’t even handle that. My ex has a special place in my heart and yeah, I do expect some general things (men taking me out on dates, affection, etc), but I just don’t think that my ex would even fit into my life right now. I’m sure you might have heard reason/season/lifetime. I’ve learned to keep people in their appropriate seasons and appreciate them in that way. Link to comment
knightNshiningarmor Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 what happens when one person ends the relationship and the guy doesnt ever really have a chance to be a jerk...then what..how do you get over that person..so that you can move on..just time?...if i love someone and they say they love me too but i know im still somewhat in the shadow of her ex...should i wait out the storm or look for calmer seas? Link to comment
lonelygemini Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 No jerk? There’s always something “jerky”. Or a little off. Maybe your ex picks her nose. Or he watched freaking sports all the time when you wanted to cuddle. These aren’t bad things, but little things to remind you of the imperfections of the relationship and it wasn’t the end-all you make it out to be. It kinda gives you a realist view of the relationship. This is not to say don’t expect things from your new relationship. I think if you’re dating someone and they keep talking about how great their ex was and they’ll never get over it…run. I never talked about my ex in that way to my new bfs. My feelings about him was something I had to work through in private. When I got over the perfect relationship, that helped me appreciate and enjoy my new relationships. And, like I said before, the reality of time showed me that what me and my ex did back thing wouldn’t be compatible now. Endless sex, googly eyes, love songs don’t work with me now. I’m tired, overworked, and I want some space darn it! Link to comment
BrokenTinMan Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Knight An ex is hard foe to battle with. Especially if they were loved deeply by their dumpee. You are up against history, familiarity, personal standards and a strange bond that the dumped one has created to connect with the dumper. The best way to get a chance at this girl is for her to get over the ex. As long as she's still hung up over him, you are going to be in a losing battle. She might even end up comparing you and resenting you. Just my IMO. I am saying this from the perspective of a dumpee. Link to comment
BrokenTinMan Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Actually, I was sabotaging myself before by subconsciously getting into unhealthy relationships just so I could say “see, I tried, but he just couldn’t be like X”. I can see myself saying this. I found myself automatically hating people who would show interest just because they did not act/look/talk/think like my ex. All signs that I am no where ready to date. I hate the idea of dating again Why do people walk out on each other... Link to comment
RedBranchKnight Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 I really feel the same as alot of people have stated. Whenever Iv been out talking to new girls I always feel down afterwards because I always think that my ex was prettier, more fun, easier to talk, etc. despite the fact I know in my own mind Im over exaggerating her good qualities. I was on the verge of starting a new relationship with another girl a short while ago who I met randomly at university, but I immediately put a stop to it since I knew it wouldnt work simply because I know Id make it fail since she wasnt my ex or that Id be 'settling' for someone else nearly just for the sake of having a girlfriend. Alot of my friends said I shouldve just gone ahead with it and see how it went, or at the very least to get past my ex altogether, but I knew it wouldve made no difference. Its only been a few months so this will pass shortly hopefully! Everyone keeps saying it will Link to comment
HajiMaji Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 Hey.. I read your post and I really think what you are going through is OK. It is all completely normal. Sometimes when we are feeling so messed up with all these we convince ourselves we are doing something wrong. Its like we feel there is no way we can be doing things right if we feel so bad. The thing is, break ups are hard, and this is how it goes. It might take a bit for interactions with new guys to feel neutral. What you said in your post is exactly how I felt. If you look at people's posts here about there first dates with someone new, you will find that most of them cried on their way home. I did. There is some new person given you attention and expressing interest! Wouldnt that make you feel good?! Not at all!! Its rough for sure. You loved your ex, and that is something to be proud of. That is something that you will take into your next relationship. Also its ok to back off from guys for now. If you are getting male attention now, you will get it in the future when it stresses you out less. And most of all, as time passes, your mind will begin to forget about the emotions assosiated with your ex. Eventually you will remember that you were with him, you will remember lessons, but it wont throw you for a loop. It just takes time, and as it sounds now you are going to get there. And I am just sorry you are going through this. Its a rough go for sure. Link to comment
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