Asking for time...

[LightsDimming]

I have known this girl for about 5 years through work but I never really got to know her. She exited a relationship of 4 years about 6 months ago by her choice. We started to get close, dated, and we are now going out for about 3-4 months. We both have had a crush on each other for years. I couldn't ask for a better relationship for we absolutely get along however things have changed.

 

First of all, she is under alot of stress. Stress of having to change jobs, stress from moving to live with her sister. Stress of wanting to goto school but not knowing what she wants to do in her life. Finally the biggest one, stress of thinking about her ex and the breakup and wondering if that was the right thing to do. It is the last one that has caused problems.

 

I believe she keeps wondering if she did enough in the last relationship. She is also unwilling to let go of the past, which includes wanting to be friends with the ex. He is of course now admitting to all the things that he did wrong over the last 4 years which is now confusing her more. She has left him 2 times over the term because she wasnt happy, and now and she confused about her feelings for him. I can't believe she would consider going back, for she was angry at herself for going back the last time but I know the thoughts have crossed her mind.

 

I dont know what I am to do. I cant find any major faults with her, and I know she feels the same about me. She couldn't get enough of me, always concerned about how I am feeling, if I am going to leave her, if I am enough for her...but now she is second guessing everything. She was starting to pull away several weeks ago asking for some 'her time'. There isn't anything wrong with our relationship from what I can find but she bottles things up so it is very hard for her to communicate.

 

I finally got her to open over the last couple days and she dumped alot of information on me. She is very confused not knowing what she wants from everything like the job, school, and relationship. The more I talk to her, the more it sounds like the major reason is she does not know what to do with her feelings for the ex. She is now admitting that maybe she should have taking some time before getting involved with me. We have never had any problems with our relationship and she didn't have any problems with her feelings for ex before.

 

Right now she has asked for time. I asked her if this meant that we are still going out, or cut back on the relationship, or just friends. She has no idea. She explains that she isn't ready for a relationship and she needs time. I know that all this time she has been bottling up this information and she is a nevous wreck. I could see that she was stressed but she finally cracked and exploded the information.

 

I still dont know where this came from and it caught me completely offguard. Everything was going very well between us until this happened. I am hoping the somebody can find some insight into this. I think she needs time to heal from the previous relationship so she probably needs to cutoff the ex but she admitted that she can't, that she isn't ready for that.

 

I know I must give her time, I am just trying to figure what I can do for her and what I can do so that I dont loose her. I am in love.

[akatoro]

Hello, LightsDimming.

 

It's not nice when these things happen.. And I have no good advice for you either, I'm afraid. All I can say is that I feel for you and that leaving her alone for a while could help her find the "right" path. I hope that you two can stay together because it sounds like a wonderful relationship, not taking the recent problems under consideration.

 

But the lines on the road won't disappear just because it's long and bumpy

 

Good luck, Lights.

[Kitty Gadol]

Lights Dimming...

This must be so difficult for you. The only thing that comes to my mind at the moment is 'If you love somebody, let them go. If they come back to you, it was meant to be.' I think your girlfriend needs time alone to work through the issues she has with her ex. It is not fair to either of you, until she has resolved this.

Maybe you can reassure her that your feelings for her are true, and that you do love her, and if she needs you for anything at all, you will be there.

She does need to sort her past out, then let it go, if you two are going to make a go of things.

I'm sure she will realise with time that you are the man she wants, and the best things in life are worth waiting for. Try to be patient while she sorts her feelings out for her ex. You have known each other a while, and I'm sure you can take things easy with her until that time.

Best of luck,

Love Kitty x

[LightsDimming]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I guess I have a problem letting somebody go. Last year I feel deeply in the love with the "one". She also felt the same about me but she was in love with another ... an ex. I had to let her go and she didn't come back. I am really afraid just 'let her go' for I have the same fears. Its deja vu happening.

 

I guess I cant do much for her at this time. I think you are right, she needs to resolve the ex for it isn't fair to either of us.

 

Right now I dont know handle things. She has been trying to explain things to me and she get frustrated because I dont understand. It is hard to me to understand because I was thinking everything was ok until she dumped all this on me. Its hard to sort through emotions and thoughts at the same time. Last night we talked and it was very emotional. I told her how I was feeling and it made her feel guilty. It was not my intentions.

 

Should I not contact her for a bit? Should I wait for her to just come to me? It is so hard not call her for I saw her every day. She knows exactly how I feel about her, I have no problems admitting the I love her dearly.

 

I guess I dont understand how somebody can just break off like this. Does this mean she doesnt care for me anymore? or is she just confused? It is hard for me to think anymore...

 

Thanks for any input. It helps.

[akatoro]

Lights.

 

When I mentioned that "giving her time" could be a solution, I ment so far as to let her sort her emotions out. Talking with you could actually help and ease her stress. You don't have to be with her physically, just being with her in her heart and talking with her over the phone means a lot.

 

She does care about you and that is why she is telling you about her feelings. She can confide in you and that means a lot to her, and to you too I am sure. You have every right to be confused, life is very confusing some times.. But consider this. Would she be confused over her alternatives and guilty over your feelings if she did not like you?