Lack of One Trait Unfortunate or The End?

[No_Prince_Charming]

First time poster here. Just a quick question to put out there. Here are details about myself:

 

I have been in a relationship for a year with a wonderful man. We get along perfectly, we laugh, we trust, we are incredible lovers together, we talk for hours, we have similar interests, basically, we love each other. He makes me giddy inside and even after a year I still jump at the chance to see him and be with him.

 

He has everything I have ever wanted in a man except for one trait. He is not incredibly romantic at all. In past relationships I have always gone for the romantic, the poet. That’s me, I write poetry, I come up with romantic surprises, I serenade.

 

Now for the past year I have not received any poems, any romantic surprises or gestures. I long for him to talk with me in the endearing way that sweeps me off my feet, but he is not capable of doing this. We have talked about this before and he basically told me that he is not that kind of guy, though he would like to try, he can’t be that guy. He said that he is sorry but if that’s what I am looking for I will not find it with him. He said that sometimes you have to give something up for something else. He brought up the fact that exes, although they have been romantic and sweet, have let me down in many ways. They were not smart enough, not driven enough, didn’t have the goals and ambition to reach them like my current guy does. And I completely agree. The exes were dreamers, and I am scared that is mixed with romantics.

 

My current guy isn’t stone or lacking a sense of humor or anything, there’s just no creativity in that head for romance he simply just doesn’t think of it.

 

So, what would you do? Continue to be blissfully happy in EVERY other aspect of the relationship? Or dump him and find someone that is COMPLETELY what I want?

[richmonder80]

No one is perfect. Grass seems greener on the other side but it never is. He is a good guy from what i can see. Treats you right and respects you. But if he wont bend or try to be romantic there is a problem. Not of him being romantic but him not willing to try to be romantic. Romanticism is important to you so he should take that into consideration and make it important to him.

[No_Prince_Charming]

That is what I say too. No one is perfect. But what if he just doesn't think in the romantic kind of way? Like I said he's a great guy in every other department but doesn't have the sweet and mushy brain, at ALL. But again he's not made of stone he can be sweet and thoughtful but I wouldn't describe it as romantic.

[Batya33]

Listen to the song from fiddler on the roof which is called I think "do you love me" on this same topic. It all depends on what your priorities are.

 

For some women romantic poetry is haiku that includes "I'll help with the dishes"

[Callingforsnowpeas]

would you rather have a guy who is romantic, but doesnt have a job or who doesnt respect you?

You can't have it all, but if i were you i would stick with the guy that still makes you giddy inside and who matches most all of your requirements.

Different people have different requirements for a mate.. some things you can look over and some you cannot.

You have to ask yourself "is this really enough to leave him over??"

[No_Prince_Charming]

Listen to the song from fiddler on the roof which is called I think "do you love me" on this same topic. It all depends on what your priorities are.

 

For some women romantic poetry is haiku that includes "I'll help with the dishes"

 

Thank you so much. I like the song and the words. So you think that love does not have to be romantic like that is not what describes love and it is all the other things that really count?

[No_Prince_Charming]

would you rather have a guy who is romantic, but doesnt have a job or who doesnt respect you?

You can't have it all, but if i were you i would stick with the guy that still makes you giddy inside and who matches most all of your requirements.

Different people have different requirements for a mate.. some things you can look over and some you cannot.

You have to ask yourself "is this really enough to leave him over??"

 

That is what I have felt for the past year+. But I just read an article saying that your perfect match has ALL qualities, and it kind of scared me. Got me thinking.

[Callingforsnowpeas]

That is what I have felt for the past year+. But I just read an article saying that your perfect match has ALL qualities, and it kind of scared me. Got me thinking.

 

articles and magazines arent your life. I dont live by what articles tell me, neither should you. You are not a generalized idea scrapped down on a piece of paper, you are a human being who is in love with another great human being. Leave it at that, and if its good enough for you then go with it.

[No_Prince_Charming]

Thanks for the reality check callingforsnowpeas.

 

More information:

 

I am scared. My mother has kind of hinted to me that my boyfriend has asked my family for my hand in marriage. I am not supposed to know. Maybe it is just jitters I am feeling. If I say yes, does that mean I will never be romanced again? And since I have it perfect in every other aspect of the relationship, honestly it is completely perfect, I should be satisfied with that?

 

Please help.

[No_Prince_Charming]

I don’t know if you need to know but I am 28 and he is 32. No kids. No divorces. We do not live together. We both have had long relationships in the past.

[Natty7]

Thanks for the reality check callingforsnowpeas.

 

More information:

 

I am scared. My mother has kind of hinted to me that my boyfriend has asked my family for my hand in marriage. I am not supposed to know. Maybe it is just jitters I am feeling. If I say yes, does that mean I will never be romanced again? And since I have it perfect in every other aspect of the relationship, honestly it is completely perfect, I should be satisfied with that?

 

Please help.

 

I think that’s a real tough question that possibly you can only answer. It’s like another poster pointed out~ what are you willing to go without or give up?

 

My b/f is a manly man and doesn’t have that “mushy brain” either but that’s not to say that he isn’t incredibly sweet and goes out of his way to make me happy. It just clicks with us. Do you click?

 

Personally, marriage is a really big decision~ if you are questioning so much now maybe you’re just not ready to say yes at this time. Then again, I have never been married, so I don’t really know what this feels like. I was engaged once before and was set to be married when I was 19. I bought the dress, set the location, ordered a caterer, had a bridal shower~ I’m talking everything was planned and ready. A few weeks before the wedding, I, like you, had so many questions and doubts in my mind. They weighed me down so much that I ended up calling off the wedding. 4 months later, we broke up.

 

Maybe you just need more time girly to know what you want.

[Callingforsnowpeas]

if you are worrying about the chances of a marraige failing then you two need to go to couples counsiling. They can help work out fears and anxieties, and with this your relationship will most likely come out with a stronger foundation and a better chance of success.

Remember even if he asks for your hand you can still have a long enough engagement to help you determine if it can work out or not.

 

And i also fully agree with Natty7's post.

It comes down to you.

[No_Prince_Charming]

I think that’s a real tough question that possibly you can only answer.

 

I was afraid someone was going to say that.

[No_Prince_Charming]

So no one has been in this situation in their past? I guess I am just an indecisive nitwit. I guess I am just scared.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You are never going to find 100% of what you want in a partner..and even if you do, they could change over time and then end up as 80% of what you wanted. There are no guarantees. I don't know what your definition of romance is, but if it is poetry, hearts, flowers, sweet nothings, candlelight dinners, walks on the beach, cuddling by a fireplace...that is romance out of a can...the type of stuff you see in Hollywood movies and read about in personal ads. Real romance is when you do special things for each other that are specific to the two of you...he treats you well, he dotes on you...you click in all other aspects...what more can you ask for? Have you tried romancing him?

[PixelPusher]

In MY mind, no one is perfect and if he meets 90% of your needs, then go with it. From what you wrote, he still makes you giddy and you love everything EXCEPT this about him. Search your heart... is this REALLY a deal-breaker? If it is... then go now, before you get engaged, married, kids, etc.

 

But honestly, is he really THAT opposed to being a bit more romantic? What do you consider romantic? Honestly, I consider myself a romantic but I would never, EVER write a poem. Why? I suck at it. But I buy surprise flowers or little gifts. I leave notes on her car.

 

Just sit down and tell him that it means a lot to you and that he doesn't need to write Shakespeare to make your heart flutter. Buy him a little book on romantic ideas! It's probably not that he isn't romantic, but he may not be that creative.

[redrose85]

Romance is more than hearts and flowers. It's about how much he respects you and treats you. Mushy poems and boxes of chocolates don't ensure a lasting, happy marriage. A solid, stable bond with plenty of love and respect does. I esp. like the quote about doing the dishes... that's perfect. Are you sure that nothing else is holding you back?

[Firiel]

My sister was in the same situation as you a few years back. She really liked her boyfriend, but he wasn't romantic. She really struggled with it and actually considered breaking up with him.

 

She knew he was NEVER going to be romantic... she just had to decide if it was something that she was going to be able to live with. She decided it was, and they've been married for almost three years. He doesn't buy her flowers or write her poetry, but he's always been there supporting her even when she's acting ridiculous. And even though he's not romantic, it's obvious to everyone, not just her, that he loves her to death.

 

You have to decide if his being un-romantic is something you personally can live with, but it worked for my sister, and she hasn't had any regrets.

[No_Prince_Charming]

Have you tried romancing him?

 

Yes I do. Maybe that is why I feel like I want it returned. I will leave little notes in his briefcase, send sweet emails during the day, always letting him know that he is on my mind.

 

But honestly, is he really THAT opposed to being a bit more romantic? What do you consider romantic? Honestly, I consider myself a romantic but I would never, EVER write a poem. Why? I suck at it. But I buy surprise flowers or little gifts. I leave notes on her car.

 

Just sit down and tell him that it means a lot to you and that he doesn't need to write Shakespeare to make your heart flutter. Buy him a little book on romantic ideas! It's probably not that he isn't romantic, but he may not be that creative.

 

He is not opposed persay to being romantic but he just does not know how. He is not that creative I guess you can say. I have tried talking to him about it and he is honest in that he says he is not that type of guy and if that is what I need, he reminds that he is not capable of giving that to me.

 

I consider so many things to be romantic. The leaving little notes on my car is really sweet. My exes really ruined and spoiled me. They would burn me c.d.s and leave them in my c.d. player so when I started the car some very sweet and me music would come on. One time another left little chocolates leading to my bath that he had drawn. He had everything set up for me after a long day of work. He even made a little menu with the dishes that he prepared for dinner. No special reason just because. Make me go on scavenger hunts for little trinkets they bought for me. Once an ex set up a perfect picnic basket with a meal he prepared and drove me out to a nearby beach where he set up candles and a blanket for a very romantic night. They ruined me.

 

Are you sure that nothing else is holding you back?

 

I am scared to move forward because I do not want to say yes, and then years down the line I just grow to resent him for not making me feel special in those romantic ways. He makes me feel smart and beautiful and reminds me of that, but I am talking about the romantic things that just make you feel like you are in a romance novel or something.

 

Thank you again for responding.

[PixelPusher]

He is not opposed persay to being romantic but he just does not know how. He is not that creative I guess you can say. I have tried talking to him about it and he is honest in that he says he is not that type of guy and if that is what I need, he reminds that he is not capable of giving that to me.

 

I still don't think that it's a reason to break up if 95% of his other traits are wonderful, but I think his "reason" is a total excuse and cop-out. ANYONE can put a bit of effort in. Like I said... he doesn't have to be Don Juan but even the manliest of men can buy flowers or a card every once in a while. He doesn't even need to write anything too "gooey" inside. Most of the cards say that themselves, and he can just sign the dang thing.

 

I feel your frustration. You've tried talking to him, but have to turned up the pressure a bit? Seriously... go to a book store, but him a book filled with romantic ideas. They are there! They're made JUST for this kind of guy. Give it to him and just let him know that it's really important to you. Even the most unromantic, lazy guy can open up the book and do what it says.

 

I suspect a deeper reason why he doesn't do that, and his "that's just not me" is a cover. I bet he is just petrified of expressing his love for you in a way that lessens his manliness. Or maybe he just has very low confidence when it comes to expressing it.

 

Now, I think women expecting a knight in shining armor all the time is a bit unrealistic, but if you're just wanting him to bring home flowers unexpectedly... I see NO problem with that.

 

Good luck. Send me his email and let me virtual-slap some sense into him.

 

Jeez. I'm sorry....

[AutumnBorn]

Canned, planned romance is about as romantic as having a rock thrown at your face. Get over the Hollywood version of life and embrace the little pockets of romance that are there if you're willing to look.

 

Does he put effort into your relationship otherwise?

 

Does he bring you coffee? Does he hold the door open for you? Has he made a small change in some aspect of his life because something bothered you? Has he taken your hand in public? That's romance.

[Natty7]

Kudos Autumn Born! I agree, that is completely romance!!

 

No Prince Charming you should go to this thread I started:

 

 

 

It just talks about all the little things that is done to make each other happy. That is romance, that is love.

[lady00]

I agree with what was said earlier...it's about what is important to you, what your priorities are in making a long-term investment in a relationship. When you think of your ideal partner, if your guy matches the top qualities you're looking for...then it seems like it's a good fit to me.

 

Also...I think romance can be taught. I think we teach people how to treat us. Do romantic things for him. Don't do it because you want or expect something back...just do it because it will help keep the love alive. If he eventually catches on and starts acting similarly in return, then it's an added bonus. If not, then you may find that you are actually happier expressing your love for each other in your own individual ways.