Lost, broke up & now regretting....

[sky10]

Hello everyone, first of all I wanted to say that i'm not english, so me describing my feelings in english might be a little off but I read some other topics and i felt that this could help me too. I'm sorry it's very long tho.. but i'm really lost, this is my first experience.. and i really need help.

 

I'm an 18 year old girl. My ex is 21. We've been together for only 4 months. He's the first guy I had sex with. So you could say he's my first boyfriend. He's not the perfect guy.. I think I actually picked him out just so I could be with someone and finally lose virginity, but it's not about that anymore. Everything changed. I always thought of myself of someone emotionally very strong, I wouldn't be hurt if we broke up, but then after a while I've been getting this weird feelings for him, they were new for me. It happens when I think of breaking up and then I would miss him.. Alot and it could make me just cry instantly. Is this because I love him? We never said the L word to each other.

 

I think I was insecure. I didn't exactly know what I wanted, I decided to talk to him about it. So monday I did. We had a long walk and long talk.

 

Before that I called him and asked why he didn't let me hear of him that day. (Because he's switching internet provider i don't talk to him everyday anymore, so i asked him to call me everyday, so i could hear something of him, he did a week or 2 and i called him also, then both our cellphones past our phone subscription... I guess this is one of the reasons he didn't text or call me that day.) So I asked him why he didn't let me hear of him that day, he said he didn't feel the need to. So I asked him, "so you don't miss me?" He said, "what do you mean by missing?" I said.. "uhm i don't know how to explain that, missing is when you wanna be with someone?", so he said: "well, i think of you." After a while I got a more insecure cuz his answers were a little hurting me.. So I just said "what if i can't have a day without hearing from you?" Which I honestly think now, I would have could..... I just asked that because I wanted him to say "Well, then.. I'll call or text you everyday." or at least that he says something like "Ok hon, but you know i can't call or text anymore.. I passed my subscription, it's expensive." That would be a valid reason. Cuz what he said just makes me think it was me. I don't know what the hell i could think of "I don't feel the need to.". That just makes me think he's not willing to do something for me? Or isn't it?

 

So then I asked him if I could see him monday and talk to him for real. I was doubting alot, should I break up with him? I know now, deep inside, I never wanted to break up. I'm just the kind of person who sometimes take really impulsive breaking up decisions when some little thing go wrong, but it's because it's so hard for me because my parents don't get along at all and it's alot of pressure (my parents fight all the time). But that's another thing. So monday we talked, I got to know him better, we walked alot and it was fun actually but it's so hard to communicate with him, we both think of stuff really differently sometimes. Conclusion out of the conversation is, he doesn't love me but he likes me. I like him too, I don't know what love is, did I reach to the level of love by being so occupied by this? But I can't blame him right? We've only been together for 4 months. I just wanted to know if there's a chance. But there's always a chance that he would like me even more right? So why did I ask that? It's like forcing him to say he could love me. But he said the truth, he said there's always a chance, but of course there's still a chance he might not like me at all anymore. Nothing wrong with it of course? But I find it so hard... Is this weird of me? He first wanted to take a break. So he could figure out his feelings. I was afraid.. for the outcome of the break. I was afraid he would.. kill me even more by making me having hope it will be fine but then saying that he doesn't wanna see me anymore and I would be really devastated. So instead I took the impulsive decision to break up. And now i'm feeling awful. I'm feeling lost, i'm feeling so devastated. If this didn't happen, we could still be a happy couple.

 

Now, I thought of it alot more. Looked up in internet. I kinda concluded that I really decided too fast. It could still work right? I mean he's a really sweet guy and I don't feel like he doesn't like me at all when I'm with him, just some small things. Like for my bday he didn't get me anything. Well, after the birthday I asked him about it, he said he did get something (but i was kinda thinking that he only said it because I asked, he might not have said anything if i didnt ask....). So then ok, he would give it to me. But no.. he forgets.. EVERYTIME. I didn't forget, but I was like.. if he really does wanna give me the present then he wouldn't forget about it. Ain't i right? So what did he do... after the break up, i asked for a few things back he borrowed. He went back to get it, when he returned (i was waiting for my train), he gave me a bag with the stuff inside. I didn't look into it. He sat beside me, waiting with me for the train, asking if i would mind. I said I didn't. When I got on the train, I saw he gave me the birthday presents and some jewelry. That's one of the reasons I now still think of him. He made it hard for me. I thought of it, i asked myself, it's not weird he doesnt love me yet... it's only been a short time. Is this right? Did I make the right decision? I went CRAZY. I asked my friends about it but they said I couldn't call him. But then, yesterday night I did.

 

I called him. We talked... He was asleep when I called, but I really wanted to talk so he talked with me. He said he talked about it with his friend too. I asked him if he thought we made the right decision. He said he did think it was the right decision. I asked if he missed me, he said.. he thought of me but didn't really miss. After a while, I told him what i felt. He knows I want to get back together now but the problem now is that he's scared that I feel MORE for him than he feels for me. He would feel bad, he would think as if he's playing with me. I said I don't care about that and I asked him again if it could change. Same answers came out if his mouth. The question I've been wanting to ask now popped up: "Do you want to get back together?", his first reaction was that he was scared that this question was gonna pop up. Then he said "I would really want to say yes... but I really don't know yet..". He said he couldn't tell me the answer now.. He wants to think about it and tell me later. I asked him how long, (I really didn't want to wait.. it's like a break again, and i'm scared for the outcome.) he said how about friday you come over and we talk? I said well if the outcome is bad It would be a waste of time for me. He said then I will call you thursday. I really didn't want to, I didn't want to hang up nor did I wanna force him to give me the answer now... So I guesss it's a good thing his mom came into his room (it was 2am) and he had to go. I went to sleep that night, not a very good sleep though. I even had a nightmare of me chasing him back and that he didn't want me back and that he even slept with someone else right after we broke up. And then I went really mean to him and kept telling everyone about it, even his mom. It was weird, i was scared. I hope this didn't really happen.

 

So now I'm asking you.. Did I do the right thing? Calling him back? What now? Do you think we could still go on? Or should I just .. move on? It will be so hard cuz i have school and when my mind wander of this topic again I would lose concentration. I kept busy yesterday too all day.. Went to school all day, had alot of people around me (friends) and i went out for diner with alot of good friends also, but still thinking of him or seeing a couple would make me sad. That's why I called him.

 

Please tell me what I should do...

 

Thanks in advance for reading.

[Angel_baby]

You might not like my advice that I am going to say but... here goes.

 

I would not contact him again. I know you have feelings for him but he does not have them back and you can't make him love you. From what I have gathered from your story, he is trying to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you, he is not ready for a serious relationship and he just wants to break up.

 

I know for you, giving it away for the first time. Emotions DO come into play. You gave him something that you held dear. Feelings usually develop over this.

 

I would suggest to keep busy doing activities and hanging out with your friends to keep your mind off of him as much as possible. Don't contact him as it will just hurt you more. He will tell you the same thing every time, that he isn't ready to be in a relationship with you.

 

I know it hurts now but moving on is the best thing, there are better men out there.

[sky10]

Thanks for your answer.

 

It is so hard for me.. I can't tell my parents, cuz they didn't know of this but I'm literally dieing and also why can't he just tell me that? Why does he have to make me wait? Why can't he just say he isn't ready for a relationship? And also.. I'm not making wedding plans or anything.. I just wanna be happy for the moment. If we would get back together I would just.. enjoy the moment and don't think about the future. I don't even wanna get married until like 10 years. Sigh..

[Angel_baby]

I wish I could tell you the magic words that would make the hurt go away, I really do. I know how much confusion and heartache it can be.

 

To me, an outsider reading your story, I gathered real fast from what you had said that he didn't want to be with you.

Whether it be that he thinks that he is trying not to hurt your feelings so bad by breaking up with you this way... OR I think it is more like he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship right now. Wants to be single and free to date but still have you "on the side" if things don't work out.

 

By moving on you can heal emotionally from this relationship. It is so true when they say "You live and you learn".

 

Are you close to either of your parents? I know you probably don't want to but opening up to one of them about what you are going through can be a good thing. Chances are they have been through what you are going through right now and they can listen to what is going on and how much you are hurting over it.

 

It feels horrible and crushing right now, believe me I have been there. But it does get better.

[Reilly2856]

I think he isn't able to say it plainly because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. On the other hand, maybe he asked for some time to think it over. It could be a good sign. But it could also be simply him avoiding telling you the truth.

 

I know that you just want to be "happy for the moment" but the more time you spend with him, the more feelings you feel develop. It will be even harder to let him go later on if he doesn't return your feelings. Also, if he doesn't feel as strongly as you do in the relationship, you'll feel more frustrated and sad about the whole situation. In the long run, if he doesn't feel the same way about you, its best to end it early. It will still hurt. He was your first bf...but just try to keep busy. And yes, you will miss him and think of him often. During those times, just remind yourself that you deserve to be with someone who cares about you as you would about him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, I wouldn't totally blame him. You have only been going out for four months. I think you really pushed him by wanting to sit down and talk about feelings etc and pushing him on things like not hearing from him for a day etc. I didn't quite understand it all from your post, but it sounds to me that you were not even sure how you felt about this relationship and your insecurities and wanting to have these grand talks may have helped him decide to move on. I think you need to be a little more relaxed about things. It doesn't sound like you were that into this relationship either and just wanted to be in it just to have someone. It sounds like you are both better off splitting for now so that you can both really think about what you want in a relationship. I think rather than thinking about him, you should take this time to really think about what YOU want in a relationship...you may have been a bit to needy in this one.

[sky10]

That's what I was thinking after monday. That's why I called him back. I wanted him to know that I realized I was too pushy! I regret.. that's why I wanted to start things over.. I think that if he wants to.. it might turn out ok... And you were right, I wasnt really into the relationship, like I also said in my first few sentences. I wanted to be with someone. But not anymore.. I like him, very much. I don't wanna force anything but I just wanna try start things over.. I wanna see if it would work out if I don't push anymore..

 

 

 

What if he wants to get back together? Start things over? I mean like Crazyaboutdogs said about me.. That is the reason I called him back.. I think I pushed him too much.. I shouldn't have... I didn't think! That's also one of the reasons he said he might not want to start things over again, he said that I take decisions without thinking.. He said that.. I was young.

 

 

 

I hope not he's wanting to do that, having me "on the side". But he has been so honest. If that was the truth I think he would have said so... Do you think that after you read my replies to Crazyaboutdogs and Reilly, it could still be ok to get back together? Cuz.. me after reading Crazyaboutdogs and Reilly's reply I actually wanna get back together even more. Am I crazy??

 

And about if i'm close to my parents.. I'm asian. My mom kept saying that I shouldn't lose my virginity too fast etc.. I'm scared to tell her but I think she knows.. I didn't eat alot today and you can tell by seeing my face that I've been crying. I really wanna cry it all out with my mom.. I'm the most close with her. I don't talk with my dad at all. My mom even told me today that I could tell her anything. But I don't think it's smart.. I told my good friend about this... But it is still killing me..

[Angel_baby]

If he is truly honest then it may be that he doesn't want to hurt you, which is what I thought of first.

 

After reading your replies to the other posters, I agree you pushed to much to soon. Sometimes that damage can't be reversed. Especially if he didn't really have feelings to begin with.

 

I know the only thing that feels right to you at this moment is to be with him again. But I think as one of them posted above, that you need to give it some time and think about it. Also give him some time to. Maybe some time will do some good for both of you. Get your thoughts in order and your head straight.

 

Your mom knows that something is wrong. As she already told you that you can talk to her about anything. She is just waiting for when you feel like the time is right to open up to her.

You would be surprised how much your mom will understand when you tell her. She knew that this time would come and I am sure she will be understanding about it. She can also offer you advice as she has most likely been through it to.

 

When you feel ready you should go to her. I believe that will help you in feeling a little bit better.

 

I do hope thing work out for the best

[sky10]

I really thank you for reading my problem and my post, I really appreciate that people here really try to understand and try to help as much as possible. I'm so glad I did this.

 

Well anyway.. I guess it's just waiting for him now. He told me to wait until friday. I guess that's giving him time, but it's not much and the answer might be negative, so i guess i have to figure out a way to move on very fast... And yes I am also very scared that the damage I caused cannot be reversed anymore.

 

I have never thought that I would feel this way.. It's awful.

But I do think I feel better after.. knowing people been there before too. I think I feel better now.. and I think I would feel good also.. whatever his answer will be friday.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Just carry on with your life and whatever will be will be. Don't wait anxiously for Friday...just put it out of your head. Friday is not the be all and end all day. Even if the answer is negative, there is no law that says over time he might change his mind. Not everything is written in stone. Just take the time to figure yourself out.

[sky10]

Yeah. Thank you very much.

[sky10]

Is there a chance he might love me in the future?

I'm really confused again.... I want to be happy. I read that you can't make people fall in love with you.. but I wasn't in love with him when we became a couple.. now it turned into somewhere close to love.. so he might.. love me in the future right? Maybe I shouldn't give up and try go on ?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, there is always a chance...but you have to deal with the here and now, not what may or may not be in the future. I think it is best if you deal with what is currently going on...if he doesn't want to be with you right now, that is your current reality and you have to move on. Don't think of what ifs because that will prevent you from living your life.

[sky10]

I see.. Well, I guess it depends on what he wants.

I feel a little better anyway... Still sucks tho if this turns out bad.

But I will have to move on..

[sky10]

Well it's over.. He called. He said that if we went on it would probably be only a sex relationship. He said his feelings would just become more and more less. I guess he never really liked me.. So it's not smart to go on. So it's over now. I've got to move on. This is pretty sad. It kind of still hurts. I won't ever forget this, since he's the first I have ever felt this for before. Anyway, i wanna thank everyone who read my story and helped me out.

 

Thanks very much.