Why don't I get approached by men?

[karlinn]

Hi everyone,

 

I'd like some opinions on why it might be that I don't get approached or asked out...ever.

 

I have actually dated and had some short term relationships, but I have met these men via online dating or being set up.

 

I get told fairly often that I'm pretty and would agree that I am reasonably attractive. That said I've always had deep insecurities about my appearance, so always at the back of my mind I worry I'm not good enough.

 

I tend to get called 'classy' but I dress quite casually so I think it's something about the way my features look, perhaps I look a bit snooty (which I'm not).

 

I'm pretty shy, if flirting with a stranger is all about eye contact and smiling lots and stuff, I lack confidence to do so. I don't walk around with my head down, but I don't actually look at anyone much either, if that makes sense.

 

I rarely go to pubs / bars but on the occasions I have I have never been hit on, though I've usually been with a group containing men and women, not sure if that makes a difference.

 

I don't socialise much so I wonder if it's mainly a case of not coming into contact with enough people? In everyday life I don't notice many guys checking me out but whether it's a case of them not doing so, or me not noticing I'm not sure. The other day I was in the mall with my cousin when she mentioned a guy had been looking at me and I had no idea.

 

I'm always hearing about women being asked out anywhere and everywhere and I never do, so it's kind of hurtful to my self esteem.

I'm pretty confident about being able to secure dates online and most of the guys have wanted to see me again once I've met them etc but it seems a bit sad that it never happens in a more 'organic' sort of way.

 

Does it matter? Any thoughts?

[wayoverit]

You asked a real honest question so let's approach it honestly. If you are not a 9 or a 10, do not expect a guy to come knocking.

[Russ]

Alrighty, buncha problems there that would personally discourage me.

 

1. You have to flirt. You have to show signs that you WANT to be approached. Guys aren't selfless, and they'll avoid the chance to make idiots of themselves. If you don't show the slightest interest in them, why should they take interest in you?

 

2. At clubs, etc. Same deal. I've never been able to walk into a completely unknown group of people just to ask one girl out. It's a goddamn scary thing, insane even, to do, since there's an 80% she'll say no anyway. I mean, she doesn't show me signs of wanting to be approached, so why would I make the potential fool of myself? [Reminding you of any point I made before?]

 

"No risk, no reward." In your case, that's a nice cliche. You've got to get over your shyness.

[Entropy Smith]

Its interesting and relevant that you've been described as "classy." I believe this to be the percieved highest form of attractive female by men and thereforeeee the most intimidating. Most guys are terrified of rejection and by seeing you as classy for sure many have labeled you as out of their league. Since your nonverbal communication isn't inviting, this isn't perceived as shy and insecure, but regal and aloof. Have to be a unique sort of guy to step up to an attractive classy female who was standoffish.

[knightNshiningarmor]

i rarely make a play on a women whos in a group of more then 3 people.. unless she is going out of her way to let me know shes interested via and gestures or eye contact. so that could be something.. try going out with one friend or two...and try and go with friends on the same level as you attractive wise. not to far above or below. but you might be surprised.. i think guys have a much lower physical threshold then women do..that is a man might be at least semi attracted to 60% of the women where women are lets say 30% but then again women have to worry that half of those 60% checking them out are complete jerks so guess it evens up in the end. go beyond the bar/club scene though.. most guys go there just to find a pick up.. if you want something more real try getting involved in things that interest you like volunteer work, dancing, hiking club ect. you can build up some comfortability there and have a better chance at meeting someone not just looking for a lay.

[karlinn]

Thanks for the replies. Where do you guys tend to approach women and what would make you do so?

[scotty77]

You have to put yourself in a position conducive for a man to approach you.As others have said no man is going to approach you if you are out with a group of people[especially men and women].I can think of one girl that I would like to approach who frequents a bar I go to often.She is always with a group of people and she sits on the side of the bar where it is usually guys who are watching sports on the tv,instead of sitting on the other side that has a dance floor.Eye contact and smiling are also important,maybe you could practice smiling in front of a mirror,for instance.If you make eye contact and smile at a guy it should give him the encouagement he needs to approach you as he will definitely get the idea that you might be interested.I wouldn't go out to a bar /club with a group of people [especially men!!] if you are looking to meet someone,go with one girlfriend and even then if you see a guy you are interested in make sure there are moments when you are alone.That is tell your girlfriend to go away for awhile[to the bathroom, out for a smoke whatever] as he is much more likely to approach you when you are alone.

[tabbygirl]

I agree with the others, you have to make eye contact. As far as flirting, when I was single I always got asked out or hit on, at work or when I went out. I don't think I am that hot, but I just smile all the time. The more you smile, the more confidence you will gain because you will notice a response right away. Guys don't want to get shot down, and if you look at them and smile (an easy sort of flirting) then 9 times out of 10 they will approach you. A big smile makes you WAY more approachable! Oh by the way it's very cool that you are described as classy. I've just always been cute.

[karlinn]

Ok I understand about the group thing. I'm on my own in plenty of other situations though but maybe they're not the sort of situations that people normally get asked out in, like say shopping at the supermarket or in the library or whatever. Most guys I see are with women anyway.

[karlinn]

Thanks tabbygirl, maybe it's the 'cuteness' that makes you more approachable along with the smiling. Whereas maybe I look icy or something.

[scotty77]

Some guys of course are shy.If you think that someone you are interested in might be shy observe his behaviour.Watch how he interacts[or doesn't interact]if he isn't appoaching anyone at all he is likely shy but if he has no problems approaching others but still isn't appoaching you then he likely isn't interested ,so you just forget him and move on[of course this is after you have smiled,made eye contact ,made yourself available].

[scotty77]

Ok I understand about the group thing. I'm on my own in plenty of other situations though but maybe they're not the sort of situations that people normally get asked out in, like say shopping at the supermarket or in the library or whatever. Most guys I see are with women anyway.

There are many times I have been at the supermarket or a library and would have liked to approach some woman that I see but first of all you never really know if she is single,or maybe she doesn't want to be approached.However if a woman was to smile and make eye contact with me then I would definitely consider approaching .

[tabbygirl]

I have a classy looking friend who got hit on more than me, and she just smiled and laughed a lot. Another thing, I never went out by myself. I usually had a couple of other girlfriends with me, not mixed company, just girls that could maybe add to the attraction. Who knows.. Good luck though, I am sure a great guy will have the nerve to approach you regardless. He'll also be a keeper because he isn't afraid of a strong, classy woman.

[Entropy Smith]

One key to being approached no matter where you are is being relaxed and desireless, however if you are stunning/classy attractive don't take it as insult that you are not being approached, it really is that intimidating to guys.

 

If i was in your shoes, i would put myself in a position where i feigned needing help. Drop something, need someone to reach the Coco puffs box on the top shelf, ask if the bus stops at 33rdst, or if they could read the label cause you don't have your glasses. This will give the guy a sense of empowerment without you making an overt sexual flirtation to communicate and increase his confidence by giving some reason to communicate without his ego being on the line.

[Konfetkette]

There are many times I have been at the supermarket or a library and would have liked to approach some woman that I see but first of all you never really know if she is single,or maybe she doesn't want to be approached.However if a woman was to smile and make eye contact with me then I would definitely consider approaching .

 

That's a good thing to know. Funny we all know what but some of us don't

"get it."

 

To the OP, you might be giving off the wrong vibes. I've been told that I look angry when I'm perfectly happy, and it makes people afraid to approach me :S. Maybe you're the same way?

[ghost69]

Thanks for the replies. Where do you guys tend to approach women and what would make you do so?

 

if she has an open look on her face and she doesn't look like 'don't talk to me'. but even those girls i approach and say 'smile, it can't be that bad.' that usually gets them talking and open up.

[Rhonda 2]

Scotty and Russ really said it all- well almost all. But there is one more thing I could add. You have to go where the men are- the bar scene is not the only option. Home Depot on Saturday morning is a magnet for men. Hover around the tool section- no matter what a man is in Hope Depot to buy- he will always cruise through the tool section. If you see somebody interesting- go pick up a cordless drill- fumble with it- maybe drop it- Nothing horrifies a man more that dropping a tool. Ask him how long batteries last, how you load a drill, how reverse- ANYTHING. After a few questions he may even ask why you need to buy a drill- tell him you want to hang pictures, change cabinet doors- anything simple and uncomplicated- If you have engaged him- meaning made eye contact, smiled alot, maybe played a little helpless, he may very well volunteer to come over and help you out. Good luck- rest is up to you.

[PixelPusher]

You asked a real honest question so let's approach it honestly. If you are not a 9 or a 10, do not expect a guy to come knocking.

 

What an absolutely terrible (and untrue) thing to say. Way to go being helpful there "wayoverit"

 

To the OP: Personally I think it is more about the "vibe" you put off more than how physically attractive you are. If you've had compliments on your looks, then most likely you're "good enough" for guys to be interested.

 

You say that you don't make a lot of eye contact. I'm afraid this is VITAL. It's how people show they're interested. Being shy is fine... but if you're interested in a guy, one way to let him know you're interested and available, is make eye contact, give him a little shy smile and let things go from there.

 

Personally, if a woman I found attractive didn't make eye contact, or seemed like she was trying to avoid it, then I would assume she wasn't interested in me, or had a boyfriend/husband or whatever... and I would write her off.

 

The majority of guys don't like to be rejected and will search for women that exude a positive and friendly "vibe." Even if you do "reject" them, if you're positive and confident about it, they won't take it as hard. Really!

[karlinn]

Thanks again everyone for the great ideas and advice. I can now see that I must appear uninterested. This stuff comes naturally to most women I think but I've never been good at it!

[HajiMaji]

OK I just typed a long response. I felt like a lot of what I said was starting to get jumbled up.

 

If you do not look ugly, you probably just arent meeting enough people. I am not trying to say you need to get out more.. a lot of it is luck. I guess im saying this.. ask youself a few questions:

 

Do you know, generally, how you want to be as a person?

Do you know what you want out of a relationship?

Knowing what you want out of your relationship, are you capable of making your side of the relationship work?

 

If you took care of all those issues, all there is left to do is find someone. Unlike the above questions, this isn’t something you can control too much. However, you can try to put yourself in better situations (like not going to bars as much as other places) to find a good partner.

 

And I also want to say I don’t check girls out. A lot of guys don’t. A lot of guys only check out the girls who are dressing kind of sleazy. I mean where I live, there are a lot of attractive girls around. If I checked out each one Id never get my grocery shopping done!

 

But, while at the grocery store, if you even just smile and say, "Hey." to a guy in your aisle or check out line, you will dramatically increase the odds he would talk to you. Whenever I am given a chance I will initiate conversation, but there are a lot of people out there who are a little more nervous. They just need to know you have a bit of warmness and openness in you. With that said, some people are even more shy and would say nothing to you no matter how hot or open you appear. Thus, do not feel down if no one says something to you.

 

I realize I still typed way more than I intended. I am so bad at keeping things simple.. The point is, if you feel confident about where you are in life and what you want out of a relationship, you just need to find someone. That is hard and involves a lot of luck. Try and be open, but really, ya just gotta keep meeting people until you finally find some dude who meshes well with you.