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I reached an epiphany


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lasat night while reading this thread I reached an epiphany that maybe a bit life changing for me:




To recap tiredvampires talked about a male penpal of hers whos shes known for years. For a while he was bitter and jaded about women, and basically had very little self confidence, and generally didn't love himself. That is until he met a woman married her and basically lived happily ever after despite his baggage.


TOV wrote him recently basically saying she was discontent because she does love herself and yet she has not found the right person for her, and throughout the thread people kept emphasizing the fact that just because you love yourself does not automatically entitle you to a healthy relationship.


This is where my epiphany comes in: people kept pointing out that even if you love yourself that does not guarantee finding your soulmate. I sat back and thought about this for a bit, and then it dawned on me: Life does not guarantee anything


Now I know that may sound cynical but for me it is very liberating. For the past couple years I have been beating myself up for not being were I want to be in life, and just generally feeling I don't measure to everyone else my age. This realization has helped see things in a whole new light. You are not guaranteed your soulmate, having children, living the so called "American Dream", a stable family, a mother, a father, your health, heck even life itself! As a matter of fact the only thing life can guarantee you is death.You could die tomorrow or within the next minute for all you know. It's just a matter of me coming to terms with the fact that life is NOT fair, All I can really do is try my best to achieve the goals I want to reach (find a partner, gain financial security,own a home, get my bachelors degree etc) if you do not reach some or all of these goals all I can do is keep trying. However, you can only try so much and like the Greek mythological figure [url=" cursed to keep rolling th big rock up mountain until he just accepted his imperfections and acknowledged that is life is not fair.


I am now more mentally prepared than ever to come to grips with the fact that might not get everything I want in life. Their is no use in being envious of other people who do have the things I want because again, life does not guarantee anything and it's not fair. I just have to learn to come to terms with the fact that their is only so much I can control, and try to live in the moment and make the best out of what I have, even if it's not much, and keep striving for better things.


Thank you for letting me share this with you all and letting me get this off my chest.

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Have you ever read "The Road Less Traveled" by M Scott Peck?


The opening paragraph:


Life is difficult.


This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult -- once we truly understand and accept it -- then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.


Something similar could be said of your realization that there are no guarantees in life except for our eventual death.


It's also a great liberator when one realizes, understands and accepts that life is not fair.

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Have you ever read "The Road Less Traveled" by M Scott Peck?


Great book (unfortunately Scott ended his life as an alcoholic and womanizer, so he was a better writer than a rolemodel).


I would also heartily recommend David Richos "The Five Things We Cannot Change: And the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them" in which he presents five immutable givens that we cannot change (and how we can find happiness by embracing them).


The five givens are:


1. Everything changes and ends.


2. Things do not always go according to plan.


3. Life is not always fair.


4. Pain is part of life.


5. People are not loving and loyal all the time.

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Thats an interesting perspective. I agree life is obviously not fair. But it doesn't mean the odds are against you. I like to think that although the good things are not guaranteed for us, if we believe we can have them and persevere to get what we want we will get it-eventually. Some people walk through life feeling like a victim that is why life is unfair for some. IMO the difficulty in our lives is often caused by ourselves, obviously there are exceptions, but generally speaking the biggest problem/demon you face is caused and prevented by you.

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"You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow.


Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!


Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But you got to be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!"


The moral is life is not going to give you anything, you have to go and get it for yourself.

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I see what you guys are saying and in some ways agree that there is power within accepting some things about life. But nevertheless it seems like some people go beyond simply accepting things, to the point where they almost accept failure, accept being alone, and accept being unhappy. See...if you accept that something may not come in your life (like a soulmate, or a better job) then you're only accepting an unhappy, mediocre life. You have to be pushing what you have and truly believe in what you desire most.

I'm only 17 so maybe what I'm saying isn't even that important, but here's an example from my own life. About a year ago I did not have that many friends and hadn't really ever had a girlfriend for more than a few weeks. Every night I would go to bed telling myself that I have tons of friends, got out all the time, and have the most amazing girlfriend. After a little while things really started picking up and I started going out more. Still I had no clue where a girlfriend would come from, cuz there was not one that was around me that I could see being with. Well, a few weeks later I met a girl in the most random, crazy way I could imagine and ended up dating her for 8 months. It was an amazing relationship that all started from me believing that a great girl was going to come into my life.

I just think there's so much out there and althoug there are certain truths that must be accepted...you can't just float through life accepting things you don't want.

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I see what you're saying ole, I am not saying positive thinking won't get you the results you want, but you have to work within your limitations. For example a paraplegic has to accept that he/she may never be able to walk, a deaf person may not be able to hear. I myself have a high functioning form of autism and Isince one of the core deficits of the disorder is social skills and poor emotional reciporicity I may have to accept the fact I may never find a healthy relationship, I am not saying it's not going to happen, I am just saying it's a very real possibiltity, and that is something I am willing to accept.


Thats good you were practicing positive, always stay positive you never know what may happen, but to reiterate to main theme of this thread, life has no gaurantees. There is no guaranteee that all the positive things happening in your life will stay constant, on the flip side there is no guarantee that negative circumstances will stay constance. Life can change in a instant and their is no guarantee things will stay good or bad.


I am definitely not saying accept mediocrity you should always strive to be your best, but also work within your own limitations so you can excel with your strengths.

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Alright, I actually almost completely agree with you. I think the biggest thing is that there are no guarentees in life. But I think that's the beautiful thing about life...I mean looking at my life, without a doubt some of the greatest things of my life have been unexpected. At the same time some of the worst things...like my girlfriend left me suddenly and then a few weeks later, my grandpa (who I was so close to) died. It seemed like my life was just falling apart, which it kinda was, but some great things have come since then and it has opened my eyes to new things. I see how you're saying that there is great power within accepting certain things...not because you're 'giving up' but because once you can accept certan things, you can do better things. I mean once you accept and love who you are, then you can go out, love other people, and really live you life.

I understand what you're saying now.

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Everything in life is impermanent, even us. If you can be observant of the things that are beyond your control and the things that are, you will seldom complain. Do not be afraid to see all qualities of life simply as they are. This so is liberating. You may also in time discover the beauty of every moment - both good and bad. On one side, you have the moments and the people who are content, and on the other, moments and the people who are discontent; the latter which opens a door to compassion and insight. It is a win-win situation.

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