Nyca Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Hello, I will try not to go on and on but I am desperate for some advice. Here is some background info so you can see where I am coming from. I have been with my BF for 3 yrs. This is our second time together (we split for yrs). Since we have been together I have caught him cybering with 3 different people 2 of which he started to talk to on the phone long distance and caused a $4000.00 phone bill. He also spends A LOT of time looking at porn online. So the last of his long distance flings is done and as usual I am left feeling betrayed, angry and bitter. I know he loves me and I know he wouldn’t leave me. He does this to see how far he can make the other person fall for him, he likes the attention. So anyhow I find his secret email account…oh yes he always gets caught….but anyhow I am reading the email and it is stories, not about him and not about the new person he is talking with but just sexual stories. He doesn’t see anything wrong with this cause in the stories he isn’t using his name, she isn’t using hers, they don’t use I, me or you. But I do see something wrong with this. I don’t think he should be writing these types of emails to another woman. That is his personal sexual thoughts and if they are to be shared shouldn’t it be with the person you claim to love? Am I wrong in feeling disgusted and hurt and gain betrayed? Oh and yes this is a married woman we both know via long distance/online. Also when I told him it hurts my feelings and I was going to say something to her is was like ok don’t do that, it will make her feel bad…HELLO like I care how she feels. Please anyone tell me, am I just losing it and what he is doing is not wrong? Or am I right on track in feeling “cheated” on. Thanks Nyca Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 you are being cheated on in my view Link to comment
Kantriakhor Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Cheating? Not technically Betrayed and used? Most definitely. Who paid for the phone bill? If you had to at all then that's terrible. He seems to use you as the back up (it appears). You also seem to facilitate it a bit saying that he'd never leave you so you'll tolerate it. I know I wouldn't allow this to continue. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I don't know how much it matters if you classify this as cheating, but at the very least it's disrespectful and not indicative of someone who loves and respects you. Are you willing to stay and accept this treatment because you are 'certain he won't leave you'? Why would he leave when he can mess with other women online whenever he wants and you will just stay and accept it? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 This is cheating because he is interacting with a real person online...doesn't matter if the names have been changed, he is having cyber sex with someone online and has a history of this kind of behaviour which escalates into phone conversations and who knows what else. He is clearly addicted to this kind of behaviour and is disrespecting you. You have every right to feel betrayed...he is indeed betraying you. Link to comment
wayoverit Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Not technically cheating, but potentially can get on to cheating. Basically he's inconsiderate of this whole thing. After confronting him on this, there should be room for negotiation on his part. He should basically stop the contact with other women in such manner. Link to comment
TechResQ Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 First of all, I am sorry you are having to go through this...again (as you stated). Technically I don't know if what your BF is doing is actually cheating, but in my head, the answer is a resounding YES! He is being so disrespectful of your feelings, he is being secretive about what he writes to this other woman AND, he knows you do not approve of it. He KNOWS it hurts you and makes you feel uncomfortable. If he truly cared about you, he would stop and he would have stopped the second you told him how it makes you feel. He should cherish you, as you do him. If he truly loves you, he would stop because he knows it hurts you. I wonder...have you ever asked him how HE would feel if YOU were doing the same thing? I kind of doubt he would like it very much. As for the comment you made about him liking the attention from these other women...he is playing head games and it sounds to me as if he is very insecure. Maybe the two of you could go to a counselor, that is, if you want this relationship to work out. Just my two cents. I wish you the very best, but please consider how you feel. Can you truly live like this for the rest of your relationship? I hope you know that it will not change unless he decides to change...there isn't much else you can do unless he decides to change. God Bless... Link to comment
PixelPusher Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Whether you can call it cheating or not, it is clearly WRONG and that is what is important... not what label you can stick on it. Disrespecting your feelings, an online porn addiction, a $4000 phone bill (OMG!), and having "secrets," obvious emotional manipulation, and low-self esteem. None of these spell anything but bad. I don't know what advice to give, really... but he needs therapy in my opinion. Stand your ground and draw a line. Sounds to me you've been more than understanding and considering you've broken up once already... just doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. Good luck... Link to comment
Natty7 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Nyca, I don't believe what he is doing can be classified as cheating on you, but I do think he is cheating you and you're condoning his actions by just dismissing them. He is cheating you out of a one on one intimate relationship by bringing another woman, or other women, into the mix. Cyber sex is a deal breaker for me. Yes, it is purely fantasy, but I would want the person that I love to fantasize with me, as opposed to with some married stranger. $4,000 on a phone bill that he says is nothing... I don't think so sweetie. That's a large chunk of change to be paying out for someone that doesn't really mean anything to him. Or on an activity that is really nothing. You need to confront him and tell him how you feel, or you're cheating yourself out of a loving and honest relationship. Your feelings matter Nyca, and you need to tell him this and see what his response is. Good luck. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 people get so hung up on the technicality of 'cheating' or not. but the real question is, is he treating you right? does he do things that weaken your relationship? is he being disrespectful of you or the relationship? so whether it is cheating or not, he honestly sounds like someone who is more interested in striking up sexual situations with other people in ways that are destructive to your relationship. he's not looking at a magazine, he's communicating with women that he *might* eventually hook up with. so whether he's done the deed or not, i think he's being disrespectful and treading a line that could EASILY lead to cheating. i wouldn't put up with it. Link to comment
Nyca Posted January 29, 2008 Author Share Posted January 29, 2008 Hello, I want to thank you all for you kind, understand words. I did talk to him and asked him to come read some of the comments. The short of it is he would like to work things out. Lets see what happens Nyca Link to comment
sweetpea Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 I dunno. I have played around with the cybering thing. With one person it started to get fairly sexually exciting. With all the others it was just a game, at least to me. They seemed to really get into it but who knows? How can typing words be a real turn on. The one that I really got into had progressed from chatting online to the telephone, and that's a whole new ball game and I say that would be cheating if done while you are in an exclusive relationship with someone else. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 I dunno. I have played around with the cybering thing. With one person it started to get fairly sexually exciting. With all the others it was just a game, at least to me. They seemed to really get into it but who knows? How can typing words be a real turn on. The one that I really got into had progressed from chatting online to the telephone, and that's a whole new ball game and I say that would be cheating if done while you are in an exclusive relationship with someone else. and where there is a telephone all kinds of fun can happen that i consider inappropriate for a committed relationship Link to comment
sweetpea Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 and where there is a telephone all kinds of fun can happen that i consider inappropriate for a committed relationship That's what I said. Cybering through chat is one thing, the telephone is when the line is crossed into cheating. Link to comment
Natty7 Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Hello, I want to thank you all for you kind, understand words. I did talk to him and asked him to come read some of the comments. The short of it is he would like to work things out. Lets see what happens Nyca That's a positive start on his part. GOOD LUCK GIRL! Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 That's what I said. Cybering through chat is one thing, the telephone is when the line is crossed into cheating. well stated then Link to comment
KAT MOMMY Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 he is very disrespectful and very rude. you live together and he still finds time to talk about sex online-he 's a creep and I won't be surprised if he is saying these girls are long distance when it may be right around the corner. he is too obsessed with it that it can't be all make believe. Don't be foolish because you love him. You don't like it so stop accepting it. It's not about him leaving it's about you leaving his sorry as* Link to comment
Natty7 Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Don't be foolish because you love him. You don't like it so stop accepting it. It's not about him leaving it's about you leaving his sorry as* I love this advice!!!! Link to comment
tikkii Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 He sounds like an irresponsible idiot running up a bill like that... Do you honestly want to be with somebody so stupid? Link to comment
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