On the verge-weight

[celci]

I have never had an eating disorder, although I would be the perfect candidate. I am 115 pounds and 5'3" and uncontrollably not happy with my body. I know i should be, and there are days when I am. But I would honestly say only a few days a month, do I really like my body. I work hard too. I work out an average of 5 days a week consisting of running 3 miles a day and strength training.

 

I am to the point where I wear nothing by sweats or loose clothing. I can't stand my body being exposed in the sense of wearing jeans. Also, I feel like if I go past a size 5 for example, I'm fat. thereforeeee I end up buying jeans that are too tight. I am currently in counseling and we touch on this topic every once in a while, but I am afraid that if I tell her the extent of how miserable I feel, she will tell me I need to stop working out so much. But I am addicted to it. Partially in a good way though. I do LOVE working out and listening to my music. Nothing makes me happier. But, I also obviously do it to help boost my confidence.

 

When i look in the mirror, I have a feeling I don't see what other people do. I don't wish I were skinny. I wish I were toned. But, I can't control my eating habits. I completely believe the statement: you are what you eat. I feel so awful when I eat bad food, but yet I can't stop. I love food.

 

I also started on birth control last night, due to ovarian cysts. I am severely upset about this. Because I am so scared of gaining weight. I know everyones body handles medicine differently, but I just can't take it. It is so hard.

[Alezia]

Although I obviously can't diagnose you with an eating disorder or say you're completely free of it, I can say that you do have some skewed thoughts about eating / your body.

I would really watch out for it getting worst... I sadly see some people obsess about 2lbs gain weight on this message board. While I agree that it's not fun to gain weight, it shouldn't your 24/7 focus!

 

It's normal that you like food. Humanity wouldn't have lasted this long without some kind of drive towards food. I do try to eat healthily myself, but there is nothing wrong to treating yourself once in a while.

You have to be toned if you work-out that much!! I'm a very lazy person and I wish I would work-out more... maybe give me some of that motivation.

 

The average American isn't in great health, so I will agree that they aren't the best model. I don't see the problem with eating healthily and working-out, as long as it's not all consuming! That's where it becomes the problem.

Don't worry about the weight gain for the medication!

[shes2smart]

I am to the point where I wear nothing by sweats or loose clothing. I can't stand my body being exposed in the sense of wearing jeans. Also, I feel like if I go past a size 5 for example, I'm fat. thereforeeee I end up buying jeans that are too tight.

 

These types of thoughts would indicate to me that you have -- at the very least -- some body image issues. Left unchecked/unchallenged/untreated, these kinds of thoughts can lead you to behaviors that can become a full-blown eating disorder. Behaviors like starving, bingeing & purging start off as thoughts long before the stuffing, starving, laxative-taking or vomiting ever begin.

 

I am currently in counseling and we touch on this topic every once in a while, but I am afraid that if I tell her the extent of how miserable I feel, she will tell me I need to stop working out so much. But I am addicted to it. Partially in a good way though. I do LOVE working out and listening to my music. Nothing makes me happier. But, I also obviously do it to help boost my confidence.

 

Your counselor is not a mind reader. She cannot help you with this if you do not tell her. Your reasoning for not telling her is just further indication that you are brewing a serious problem. She cannot stop you from working out (if that is what you want to do), so what are you really afraid of? You say you are only "partially" addicted to working out in a good way, so what about the other part? When my ED was active, I sure thought I was loving that workout, but it was really just another manifestation of compulsive behavior.

 

When i look in the mirror, I have a feeling I don't see what other people do. I don't wish I were skinny. I wish I were toned. But, I can't control my eating habits. I completely believe the statement: you are what you eat. I feel so awful when I eat bad food, but yet I can't stop. I love food.

 

Of course you do. That's your body trying to ensure its survival. BTW, there is no "bad" food and there is no "good" food. It's all just food. None of it is inheirently good or bad...that good/bad thing is a combination of harmful ideas that are doing you no good whatsoever. I blame the commercial diet industry for labeling food as good/bad and making it our enemy...but I digress. The point is by labeling foods as "good" or "bad" it's just a hop, skip and a jump to labeling yourself as "good" or "bad" for consuming them. Sorry, I don't believe that indulging in the occasional slice of chocolate cake makes one a bad person.

 

I also started on birth control last night, due to ovarian cysts. I am severely upset about this. Because I am so scared of gaining weight. I know everyones body handles medicine differently, but I just can't take it. It is so hard.

 

Seriously, you need to bring these issues up with your counselor. You may not have the screwy eating behaviors...but I'm telling you, with the types of thoughts you have written about here, it's only a matter of time before you do.

 

Just some background for you just so you know I have some idea what you're talking about: I had an active eating disorder (compulsive eating & compulsive exercisng) in my late teens & 20's. Went to a couple different treatment programs (hospital-based program and Overeaters Anonymous - a 12-step program), but found the most help in Geneen Roth's books. After nearly 20 years in recovery and being sane & normal about food and eating, I fell off the wagon a bit over 2 years ago. I spent the better part of 2006 working with a Registered Dietitian/Counselor who specializes in working with people who have eating disorders and body image issues and got back on track.

 

ED/body image issues are things I absolutely would not wish on my worst enemy. You would be doing yourself a HUGE favor to bring these issues up with your counselor in as open and honest a way as possible and start working through them while you are still young. I thought I had...but lemme tell ya, as hard as it is mucking through the ED/body image stuff in your 20's, it doesn't get any easier when you're re-visiting it in your 40's.

[shes2smart]

Oh, and incidentally, if you are really "loving" working out in a healthy way, then you'll also be making sure your body is properly fueled to workout at that level. That means making sure your body is properly fed at regular intervals.