onmyownagain Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 It is for four weeks today since I left my wife, how do I feel? Angry. What a waste of the last 12 years of my life. Sad. Why did we have to split? Could I have tried a bit harder? My poor daughter going through all this again. Glad. Will be able to look forward to a brighter future alone or with someone who I really want to be with. I won't have to compromise as much as I have in the marriage. Scared. What will happen in the divorce? Will I get shafted by the lawyers!! How will I feel when she meets someone else? Numb. Feel I am on cruise control, go from wishing we could start again to wishing she would just die to avoid the divorce and property problems etc. Relief. Tried to make it work for a long time. At least I know I am not going home to a bad marriage at the end of the day. Thanks for listening, just felt like getting something down. Link to comment
luck88 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 I'm at 2 months and still have these exact feelings. Good luck. Link to comment
Ben Bax Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Keep it up Try to lose the anger, you know all it'll do is cloud your better judgement There were good times amongst the bad and you've learnt things about yourself that no one else can teach If things are handled amicably, your daughter will probably love you even more, she gets complete undivided attention from you and vice versa which will lead to a bond that can never be broken I'm totally with you regarding compromise and relief, I felt I'd given up so much of who I was in my 10 year stint and in the end, all for nothing The relief can be fantastic, when I moved out I was still seeing her but I used to leave and be so glad to be on the road heading home, even now I think of that when I look back, knowing that my life and her life can only be better because of it Stay strong Link to comment
arwen Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Seems like you are moving through all the normal stages after a break up. I think it's very healthy to write things down, to disentangle the flow of emotions this way. Try to use the anger for something positive, like working out. Take care, Arwen Link to comment
matt24 Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Hey, I've been divorced for two years now and was separated for awhile before that. It is something that gets better over time but it will always be with you. It's a very painful and difficult process, that's no revelation there. Some of the things you said I can definitely relate to...but... Please don't consider the time you spent together a waste. You shared something or you wouldn't have a daughter with her. Also, what kind of message is that for your daughter if you say that? She is a result of the relationship so don't consider it that way. Unfortunately, you are a male. Financially things are going to go her way and that is tough. If your ex has custody just think about your daughter. I'm still trying to recover... As for some of the other questions, those you have to answer from inside. Only you know the answers. I have two wonderful boys from a ten year marriage, the hardest adjustment was them moving away and my time with them went from everyday to a couple times a year. I struggle with this fact every single day. All my best bro, things will get better though. Hang in there. Link to comment
need2bme Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 It was not a waste. You have a wonderful daughter and look at how much you have learned. If you stay to the truth, you will not get shafted by the lawyers, (unless you were some awful parent). Although, I have noticed that if both parents are equal, the mother usually gets full custody. Children are resilient. Of course you are scared. We all are. She was the only life you knew for so long. You are already working through this. I went through a divorce a long time ago and did not get custody of my kids. I made it through this and they turned out alright (well, mostly anyway ;-) ). You will make it through this, as well. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted January 28, 2008 Author Share Posted January 28, 2008 Unfortunately, you are a male. Financially things are going to go her way and that is tough. If your ex has custody just think about your daughter. I'm still trying to recover... Hi, we are sharing custody (one week with me, then one with her) so wont have to miss her that much. This will help with the divorce as well from what I can see. Link to comment
Clabs Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Hey onmyownagain The emotions you are going through are only natural. Things are tougher when you have children together because although you won't be partners, you'll still need to carry out a relationship as parents for a very long time - so Nc and all that flies out the window. Take comfort from your daughter and your shared parenting and really pour your focus into her. I went through a very messy and drawn out divorce/settlement and also had to apply to court to protect myself and ensure I was seeing the kids enough etc so if you need any advice in that regard, please feel free to pm me any time. It is not easy, but as I say - focus on your little one in your time of need. Mark Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted January 29, 2008 Author Share Posted January 29, 2008 Thanks guys, Felt really okay about things last night but feeling down again this morning. I am at work but really am finding it hard to get myself motivated. I am in management and have a brilliant woman boss, she is completely okay with me being down to 50% at the moment. Maybe in a month or two things will be a lot clearer. Link to comment
Clabs Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Hey fella Give this some time and things will improve - the dust will start to settle and you will see your future more clearly. Mark Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted January 29, 2008 Author Share Posted January 29, 2008 Thanks Mark, I am trying my best. Finding out who my true friends are at the moment, it is amazing how many people just don't want to know when you are down. the mutual friends I am not sure about which suits me really. Find it hard when others are still seeing her and I am out of the loop as it were. Link to comment
Clabs Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Hey fella - keep your chin up. It is amazing how many people don't know how to act around you, isn't it. I don't think that they don't want to know you - I think they are frightened of taking sides. Also, I think that the fact that you are boh single again frightens some couples - because you each can be seen as a threat. I found it hard for a while - like you - out of the loop and all, but once we got this shared stuff going and I was dropping little one off at school and having a good gossip on the school driveway it all changed for the better. Time is your friend - it really is. Mark Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted February 1, 2008 Author Share Posted February 1, 2008 Counting down the days until I can get out from my parents house and into my new flat. 27th Feb is moving in day, but then I will need to get all my stuff from the house to move in. Not looking forward to that bit at all. Link to comment
Clabs Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 Hey fella! Well you haven't got too long to wait, have you? Moving your stuff out is tough, but try not to put too much focus on that for now. Take care mate. Mark Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Feeling numb today. Have realised that the money situation is worse than I thought and I wont be able to give her as much as I would like. Checked on Child Support Agency site how much I have to give her in my circumstrances and it is £33 pw. Was going to give her a lot more than this but will be totally skint. Our money problems would be solved if she would agree to sell the house as there is a lot of equity in it. Think she will really struggle to pay and we will lose it anyway but she doesn't want to see this. Link to comment
Clabs Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hey fella The money aspect of a breakup can be a real worry. What are the longer term plans for the house? Is there enough equity/finance available for it to be sold and two smaller places to be bought? She might not like this, but the fact is that belts need to be tightened. Mark Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hi Mark, We have a £95K mortgage which costs £800 pm and about £80K eqity. I have asked her to consider this but she insists the law is on her side and she can stay there until our daughter leaves full time education. I have done my sums and really cannot give her much. My rent on my new flat is £800 pm. I do have a good job and earn quite a bit but not that much. Link to comment
Clabs Posted February 2, 2008 Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hi again. If you don't mind me asking, what is the property worth? Also, does your ex work? By all means PM me if you don't want to post on here. Mark Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted February 2, 2008 Author Share Posted February 2, 2008 Hi Mark The house is worth about £180-200K. She works full time but only earns about half what I do. A lot of her salary is topped up cash in hand, she works in the family business. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 The weeks are still passing, still on cruise control. Haven't really heard from her for a couple of weeks apart from a text I had to send yesterday about money, she was very polite and sent a couple of texts regarding my post etc. but back to nothing again now. At least she didn't seem so angry now, though my daughter said she was still really angry with me last week. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Finally moved into my new flat yesterday and feeling a bit strange now. My ex has been texting me regularly, sometimes really mixed up messages that make me think she needs help and sometimes really nice texts, like you would get from a friend. Really feeling confused about things today. Link to comment
onmyownagain Posted March 7, 2008 Author Share Posted March 7, 2008 well, it has now been a couple of months and i still feel strange. have occational contact with ex via text and always short but friendly. had a date this week which was a bit strange, but felt good i guess. don't think it will go anywhere though. Link to comment
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