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trying to have the courage to just let it be


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I should feel grateful. I had two dinner parties to be at this weekend, one at mine, one at a friend's, and I love throwing a spread for people even more than great conversation that we all had.


At the back of my mind, I feel like my life is in tatters. My work 'contract' you could call it, may well be about to change soon and I may not get that much say in what happens next. Maybe I should be grateful that I have this job. But it is not where I wanted to be at this age. The last few years I haven't bothered much about going up the career ladder, instead just focussing on doing the job, and I am belatedly thinking about it now. Friends and colleagues meanwhile have been keeping moving up and will no doubt (though I would never ask them this) be paid more than me. At the dinner party I threw, I couldn't help a few thoughts of the sociable times I had when I was with my ex. Now I am alone as the host, inviting my friends over, who (more and more), are coupled up. I have learnt to let this inevitable fact be, a lot more than I used to, but it still hurts somewhere deep inside. In my relationship, I really thought we had a future, I thought we were headed somewhere, until she abruptly turned round and ended it. I am reminded of Occam's razor, "the simplest explanation is the truest". In the end, she was just still at a level of immaturity where the responsibilities of a caring adult relationship were beyond her. There is no way anyone can make her comprehend something she does not yet comprehend herself. Only time can teach her that.


Why did it have to be this way. I cannot believe the sheer bad luck that comes my way when it comes to online dating since that break-up - even nice women I get in touch with, one after another, don't work out because they decide they can't deal with an LDR, or are moving between jobs, re-locating, going travelling round the world ... basically going through all manner of life transitions which render this completely the wrong time to start any relationship. If it happened once I'd put it down to bad luck, if it happened twice, I might even find it funny. If it wasn't my own life, I'd see some humour in it.


Is it really all meant to be this hard? Even a fighter can only take so much. And I am so weary now.

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Sometimes life just sucks like that. It either doens't happen with the person we were hoping for, or it doens't happen when we want it too. Soemtimes all we can do is push onward. That's my advice.


perfect advice. a lot of us in the same boat. don't fret. things don't always work out. no matter how great it seems.

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