Verge of breaking up, Advice?

[aldittavont]

Hi, my name is Aldana and I'm 27 years old woman. I've been with my bf for 9 months now and this has been my first serious relationship.

 

We've been talking about moving in together and maybe marriage some time in the future BUT! we're on the verge of breaking up and he's being all sorts of nasty to me. I think that's his way of enabling his depression... he goes on and on about how he thinks I'm selfish so he won't be giving to me; how he feels like my family won't make him feel like he's part of it; how he feels like he's an idiot because he works 12hr shifts in something that is not related to his career and I work my dream job (in my field of expertise, short, flexible hours, good pay) PLUS how he hates that we can't spend the whole day together; he also hates that we live 2hrs away and he will have to 'lose' 2hrs of his time to come see me; how I won't buy him expensive stuff like his ex-gf did (I even asked him if expensive stuff = love and he said that in a way it does!!) and a thousand more complaints. But then he says I'm too much of a woman for him, that he doesn't deserve me, that I'm too pretty for him, that I could do much better than him if I wanted to and that he should go back to his ugly ex-gf since she's the only person who will love him (I would be in a LOT of pain if he actually dumped me to go back with her...).

 

The truth is his therapist has been on vacation for a month and he works 3 days a week, to me that's too much 'thinking' time in his hands. He has no one to really talk to or vent to, the only one who would listen is his mother and she loves me so she won't say a bad thing about me OR he talks to me.. and of course I can't or won't be objective when he calls me all that BS I mentioned above.

 

So my question here is (and sorry for the long rant) should I just let the break up happen and start healing? I feel like we're not meant to be but I do love him, I can't think of my life without him and would hate to regret that we've broken up.... He means the world to me and we've been working on our relationship so we could save it but as time goes by I start feeling that maybe it shouldn't be saved?. I feel a lot of negative feelings from his side, I don't take them personal (most of them at least). I feel as if he has too much pain inside to deal with a real relationship right now (he was with his ex gf for 4 years and right after the 5th month they were together he realized she was not for him but put up with the girl cus he didn't want to be alone... he even stood with her while she was cheating on him multiple times....anyway...not my fault whatsoever but I do feel like he has some unresolved issues with this subject).

 

I need someone else's POV I guess, my friends think I should just dump him and don't look back... that would hurt a lot, I just can't do that.... I refuse to let his depression win.

 

What do you think about this all?

 

Aldana

[scared and alone]

I know this is no help. but i'm going through the same thing and i know how hard it is. i WANT SO BAD to make this work, but im just not sure if HE is willing to make it work, even though he claims he wants to. *hugs* I hate relationships. But I admire you though. My boyfriend is being a stubborn ass about me possibly being depressed and saying i either do what he wants or its over. I'm so glad you are being supportive. He needs that. Regardless of what hes saying or how hes acting, he NEEDS you when hes going through this.

[aldittavont]

Thanks for your response and support 'scared and alone'. I wish I could read what others have to say about this.

[pureofheart]

I'm not sure why you're with this guy. You have not said one positive thing about him.

 

Point #1: You can NOT fix someone else's emotional issues.

 

Point #2: You need to find someone who makes you feel appreciated, needed, loved, and adored. You deserve it.

 

Point #3: You need to find someone who is emotionally mature and healthy to be in a relationship with.

 

Finally ask yourself: the way he is acting - do you want to live with someone like that for the rest of your life?

[vintage tees]

Aldana,

 

I actually had to stop bolding portions of your paragraph, because there were too many things standing out to me and I gave up.

 

First, I am assuming that you really enjoy a challenge in a relationship and you love to win someone over and love the challenge of getting someone to love you or love trying to change them and the challenge of fixing them up. Your above paragraph has so many red flags that I can't even imagine someone wanting to be a part of such a situation. You know why I think you are in this situation? Because it is your FIRST relationship. Aldana, I am here to tell you that relationships are not meant to be like this, and there are plenty more healthy and rewarding situations out there.

 

Second, I really do not think he is over his Ex-Gf. I base this off the fact that you know A LOT about her and he must talk about her in order for you to know these things about her. Those are essential signs of someone maybe not completely removed from their last relationship. How long were they broken up for before you guys started to date and what were the final terms of the break up? Four years is a long time. I also notice a contradiction in what he says. He says he is better off with his old gf, because she is the only who can love him, but yet says he did not want to be with her for 3 1/2 years of the relationship. Maybe he stayed longer because she bought him nicer things than you.

 

I really can't see what it is you like about this guy. He is doing everything to turn you off and apparently it turns you on even more; this is classic reverse psychology or manipulation on his part.

 

Cut this guy loose now and save your sanity and time. The longer you stay involved in this the worse off you are emotionally and mentally. I really dont see a future with you and this guy. He is telling you everything to suggest the same and I KNOW deep down inside you know you are not right for each other. The pain of the break up will be worth it. Leave now and gather your sanity while you still have it, because you are driving down a one way street to hell.

 

Maybe you will find someone who appreciates you for you and not based off the presents you buy.

[Clabs]

Hey Aldana and welcome to ENA.

 

I am with the others here - what is it that you see in this guy? What good does he bring to the relationship? Nothing so far as I can see.

 

Honey - this guy has so many issues that this is never going to amount to anything good. Don't walk away - run like hell. Get away before you invest and waste any more emotions here.

 

This may all sound very negative but this guy has done you a favour by giving you a very good insight to what life together with his is going to be like. As vintage tees so wonderfully put it - you'd be driving down a one way street to hell if you hang around.

 

Relationships should never be so much hard work, and when you find yourself in situations like this, it is time to make changes - for you. You deserve much much better.

 

Mark

[aldittavont]

Hey everyone, I've read all your replies and they did help me. After this reality check I came to realize I do deserve better and need someone to make me feel appreciated not hated or down all the time.

 

So long story short, we called it quits. Funny thing is day after he called his ex... go F*k!ng figure, right?? I'm better off without this jack@ss ... I admit it hurts :sad: right now but I keep reminding my self of what I want in a man and he does not have it. I'm a smart, beautiful, caring person and I want someone to be that way to me....

 

Thanks for helping me realize enough is enough.

 

Aldana