He bailed out on my birthday

[Nickiabrown]

I really need some advice. This is my first time posting anything about my realtionship in a forum, but I have nowhere esle to turn. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years and I thought that we were in love. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and she has developed a cold. They spend many weekends at my house all of the time. He has shown signs of some commitment issue in the past, but lately he has been very consistent. We are planning to go on a cruise next week. Needless to say my birthday is tomorrow, but we have been planning to celebrate it tonight for two weeks. Thursday, when we talked on the phone he told me that he had been counting how much money he has spent since we have been dating, and if I am adding to his life or detracting. I am the type to share the expenses of dating, since I earn more than he does. What he said upset me, so I told him I'd talk to him later and studied the rest of the night.

 

Yesterday, he called me and said my daughter has a cough, so I won't get to see you this weekend at all. He went on to tell me not to make plans in case he decides to get a sitter. When I told him that he doesn't seem remorseful he became very upset saying, he shouldn't have to show any remorse. He said "Sorry my daughter chose to get sick at an innoportune time for you." I understand that he has a sick child because I have children myself. However, she has a cough and a cold and he went to work today. I feel that he should have been apologetic and promised that he would make it up to me. Instead he was defensive and that the fact that I was upset was silly and that the conversation was "stupid". He took me by surprise and really hurt me. Now I'm stuck out and stuck going on a cruise with him. I feel that if it were his birthday I would try to be with him if my child had a minor cold. If that could not be arranged, then I would have approached him with remorse and not callously. It was his approach that caused "warning". I really want to know what someone else thinks that's not a family member.

[Aleadragonhawk]

I don't think that his daughter having a cold is the real issue here. The conversation that you had where he asked if you were adding or detracting to his life because of how much money he spends on dating - that is a gigantic red flag to me. Someone who really cares about you won't say things like that. For example, if the problem is that he doesn't have enough money, he could just say that he can't really afford going out as often as you do - but questioning if you're "worth" it is really disrespectful.

 

Another big red flag that caught my attention was how he acted when calling you about his daughter being sick. The first thing here that worried me was him telling you to not make plans - just in case he "decided" to get a sitter. If getting a sitter is an option for him, why not just do that in the first place? If it isn't, and he needs to be with the child himself, why bring it up at all?

 

Being upset isn't silly. Talking about it isn't stupid. A man who asks if you're worth the money he spends on dating you isn't worth having in your life. This guy sounds like a grade-A, bonafide jerk.

[Hope75]

I honestly don't know anybody who would actually say to a person "I'm going to sit and see if you are taking away from my finances or adding to my finances."

 

I'm wondering how much he is really into you.

[Siriana]

He seems selfish to me.

Of course not because he wanted to be with his daughter who's having a cough - and also i don't think thats the thing that annoys you the most. It wouldn't even be a problem if he was not acting selfish.

 

he told me that he had been counting how much money he has spent since we have been dating, and if I am adding to his life or detracting

 

thats rude and disgusting

 

He went on to tell me not to make plans in case he decides to get a sitter.

 

Wow, in case he decides???

Looks like he thinks he's a king of universe.

 

You know based only on these two lines I would dump him.

I think he would save a lot of money that way and had enough time to decide if he wants to get a sitter.

[LBP]

Yeah, if someone made that finances comment to me I would be extraordinarily offended. I'm a little amazed that you weren't, actually.

[Nickiabrown]

Thanks. I don't disagree. I am very upset, but I guess I wanted to make sure that I was not just being a spoiled-brat. I want him out of my life as of now. The crazy thing is that we will be sharing a cruise next week and that's four days of being with him. I have about twelve other friends as well as my sister so I can't just not go. I also can't change the sleeping arrangements. Pretending that everything is o.k. will kill me. But I guess I will have to.

[JeckyllNHyde]

how about bunking with one of your friends? And leaving him alone in the room?

[Nickiabrown]

I was very offended. I did not answer the phone the rest of the night. Because I was behing in my grad studies, I just didn't really have time to think about it so I pushed it away to be dealt with later. This was just the icing on the cake.

[Nickiabrown]

I am so excited about your responses. Thank you all so much. I was doubting myself for a moment but, this coincides with how I feel. I can't bunk with other's because the rooms are really small. I am strong enough to end it now, be cordial on the cruise, and never talk to him agian for the rest of my life.

[blender]

ugh, this is a tough one, I think you are discovering now that perhaps he just doesn't share your emotional values, nor does he choose to respect them. And yet you have the trip planned, and I so understand why you don't feel comfortable about going, but as you have said, you have friends etc all planning to go.. so you might have to force a smile on your face and try to have an "emotional plan" for yourself so there isn't too much drama, just get it into your head that you are going to go, you'll have a good time, you won't choose to use this time to discuss the relationship, and when you get home THEN you can decide how you want to handle it.

 

Of course what caused all this "uncomfortable doubt" in your mind regarding his charcter and his commitment, well let's just play devils advocate here, he might have had a bad day and was feeling overwhelmed and if his daughter is sick, just a cold or not, it's best that he stay home with her.

 

BUT, I do understand that he didn't quite approach the topic in a sensitive and understanding and respectful way as far as your feelings were concerned for your birthday plans. And you had "expectations" and you were disappointed about the change of plans...and he didn't like that you weren't more sensitive to HIS situation regarding money and or his daughter... so you were both talking two different emotional languages, both with your own expectations as to how the other "should" react

 

However, the more underlying issue is IF he expresses a "financial" conern, well that's one thing, but it's the way he CHOOSES to phrase it, that is what is really the core difference, and you have every right to think of it as a "red flag"...

 

He expressed as if YOU are taking from HIM.. instead of expressing the FACT that he has chosen to be involved with you and that you both share some of the expenses..

 

He could have approached it with something more mature and sensitive in saying something more honest about HIMSELF such as:

 

"I"m concerned about finances and we might need to pull back a bit on what we spend, because I wouldn't want MY own money issues it to lead to any DISPLACED resentment towards you, because that's not fair for you because you do pitch in and I just want you to know that this "feeling" well it's not about you, it's "ME" who has an issue about money and I'd be having it no matter who I was dating so do not take it personally, let's just try to be more aware of what we are spending"...

 

but nope, he instead kind of "blamed" it on the relationship, instead of taking personal responsibilty for his own emotions regarding the issue... and that is the reason you are feeling uncomfortable..and who wouldn't. it's not nice to hear something so insensitive as him saying " if I am adding to his life or detracting".. YUK.. that is not about YOU, this is HIM revealing his true colors regarding how he handles issues within a relationship.. and if I were you his approach and his issue about the finances would really turn me off... and it's just a slight nod into the direction and perhaps other issues he will see as "you detracting from him"..

 

You want a man who is confident and who feels good enough about himself, and how he values money, family, love...and SHOWS this by giving emotionally, financially and respectfully what he can add to your life..

 

If any guy even consider saying "you might be "distracting" from MY life instead of adding...ugh.. it's the chose of words that is such a turn off... and it's all about HIM, and HIS needs, HIS fears, HIS issues.. and yet he doesn't even approach with some self honesty enough to say, "I am having an issue, and it's not about you, it's just the way I am about money..",

 

but nope he doesn't take on any of the emotional responsiblity.. that is the REAL ISSUE here, instead of looking at himself, he thinks of "blame".. I think you'll discover that the "issues he has and how he chooses to express them" are not something you want to give your precious energy or heart to for much longer...

 

but give him your honest feelings in a calm way, and see how he deals with them... maybe he might surprise you.. and maybe he will feel differently and a bit embarrassed that he approached the subject the way he did.. if not.. then you are just to the point where he is fully revealing his character..and it might not be who you "hoped and thought he could be"...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yeah, I am with the others on this. Those comments were just disgusting. This guy has no class...you could do much better than him.

[Nickiabrown]

Perhaps I will be surprised but I seriously doubt it. I am usually optimistic, but I have found myself losing that part of myself lately.

 

then you are just to the point where he is fully revealing his character..and it might not be who you "hoped and thought he could be

 

Yes. I agree that this is a time when a relationship begins moving forward or regressing. Most of the time, he is great. However, it's almost like Dr.Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. I attributed this to him being a Gemini. I am typically not very emotional, and this is a trait we both share. But, every concern that he brings to me concerning true feelings are met with openess. I want to know how he feels. Unfortunatley, I am now truly learning what he really is about.

 

You want a man who is confident and who feels good enough about himself, and how he values money, family, love...and SHOWS this by giving emotionally, financially and respectfully what he can add to your life..

 

It's like you read my heart. I am seeing many insecurites in him that I did not previously recognize. It seems as if he is going out of his way to try to make me feel as bad about myself as he may feel inside. He thinks everything will blow over because we are going on a cruise. I feel that he thinks he will have time with me to "fix" things. That time has already ended. Because of his actions, I see that he may not have the capacity to add anything to my life....just take. Perhaps, that is why he evaluated me.

[blender]

Yes, he seems like a guy who might have that pattern of "putting you up on a pedastal and then devaluing you through his passive aggressive insecurities" so that he might feel temporarily false empowerment over his own issues by projecting them on to you.

 

And this is a huge red flag.. so try not to take any of it personally..just be accepting that he is who he is, he's a grown man, his "pattern" was in place long before he met you and no woman is going to cure him of it. And you can choose to no longer put your energy into a relationship where the values and standards on how you communicate and consider each other are NOT shared by him.

 

As I suggested before, have an emotional plan for yourself for this trip, he does not have to hear what you are feeling or what you are going to do eventually regarding this relationship BEFORE you go on the trip. You want to keep the discomfort and drama to a minimum, if not only for yourself, also for your friends, and you want to go and have a good time.. so just know that "having it all out" with him before you go might really make the whole trip a disaster, and you don't deserve that and neither do your friends...

 

and as far as this relationship goes.. there is no self respecting reason for you to "educate him" on how he "should" behave within a relationshp, instead take the "lesson" for yourself, you now have discovered that he has revealed some values that he does not share with you, you are going to most likely end this relationshp when you get back from the trip, he doesn't need to hear all your advice or feelings about what HE should do differently, (no need to educate him for the next woman in his life) instead remember to say to YOURSELF: you loved, you tried, you disscovered that this is not the type of behavior you want in a man, and you will let go in a kind way when you return from your trip so you can feel good about yourself in the long run, and be honest and to let go with the fact that "you don't share the same values"..period.

 

His choices of behavior and the way he chooses to express his concerns is not a "pattern" you want to embrace or encourage by staying involved with him, you don't want to waste time "walking on eggshells" and you don't want to lose a part of your own identity and your own sense of self, or to be involved in ANY relationship where you start to feel devalued or unappreciated or blamed...

 

so it's a blessing you have discovered that perhaps this guy is revealing that he is not who you "hoped and thought he could be" he's "different" and that difference is enough for you to let go and remember that all the "dreams" you attached to him are YOURS.. and you take them with you forward into your amazing future.. and this will attract a more suitable healthy respectful wonderful love into your life and also will be a better healthier example in your precious childrens lives as well

[Nickiabrown]

Ok. I do have a tendcy to attempt to "educate". Great point that this is something I should refrain from doing. It's just so darn hard. I will take your advice not to go any further in mentioning this before or during the cruise. I feel so sad and distraught and very angry right now. However, there is this strange sense of freedom that I feel right now as well. We've talked about marraige before. I have to learn to trust my intuition. I realize that certain flags have been here since the beginning. Because I had not made an emotional investment, I may have ignored so many of them. If he bailed out in the past, I found something else to do. No biggie. I never wanted to be a needy, emotional wreck. But I felt as if I was playing the "let me prove I don't need you game". Although I was invulnerable, I did not feel free. I felt like someone else. So, I stopped and focused on being more honest about my feelings which in the past was very different for me. Because I expressed."I'm upset with you," He said I was wearing my heart on my sleeve. When I first met him I was recently divorced after nine years. He had a catastropic previous relationship with someone else. My ex and I married too young and we grew apart. We are still friends today and have each other's back in any tight situation. He doesn't live here and I have no emotional ties to him in any romantic way at all. We have kids together so that it the tie that binds. However, he hates his ex intensley. He told me a story of how they once got in an altercation where she became physically abusive towards him because she thought he left her in Walmart. He didn't leave her; they were just lost. I accounted this to her having abandonment issues. At the time I never attributed the fact that his actions within the realms of their realtionship may have sparked those issues. Wow, writitng this down and hearing responses feels so therapy.

[Aleadragonhawk]

Remember that your happiness is more important than a cruise. From what you've said you'd be miserable going on this cruise with him - so what's the point? If it's just going to make you feel even worse, sounds like a waste of time to me. Sure, you might lose some money, but the point of a cruise is to sit back, relax, and have fun. If it's going to be the exact opposite of that, seriously, don't go.

[annie24]

i agree 100%. i vote DTMFA (dump the mf already!)

 

forget him, and take a girlfriend or a sister or a really hot pool boy on this cruise instead. i think that he's shown you he is a horrible boyfriend, not supportive at all. blah. dump him fast.

[DN]

Thursday, when we talked on the phone he told me that he had been counting how much money he has spent since we have been dating, and if I am adding to his life or detracting

Are you sure that when he said adding or detracting from his life that he meant in terms of simply money? Because that statement could also mean that he feels he is spending money on a relationship that may not be working for him - not necessarily financially but emotionally or romantically.

 

It seems a cold way to express what he is feeling to mention money at all - but dating does cost money that one would not ordinarily spend even if your partner pays their share. If money is tight for him he may be evaluating if that money is well spent to be with someone who isn't right for him for some reason.

[JadedStar]

and as far as this relationship goes.. there is no self respecting reason for you to "educate him" on how he "should" behave within a relationshp, instead take the "lesson" for yourself, you now have discovered that he has revealed some values that he does not share with you, you are going to most likely end this relationshp when you get back from the trip, he doesn't need to hear all your advice or feelings about what HE should do differently

 

I totally agree with this! It should be a lesson learned for you in the future with relationships but he is who he is and lecturing him about it will likely lead to resentment vs he actually taking it under advisement. The way he expressed his feelings to you about the money and how you made the weekend about you was indicative of his personality type and like blender said behaviors he has probably picked up far before he met you.

 

Truly redflags. He doesn't sound like he values this relationship. Sounds almost like an inconvenience and he definitely seems to be having second thoughts.

 

Go on your cruise and have a great time with everyone there. Just keep it as neutral as yuo can with him and know that upon your return you can go ahead and do what you have to do. This isn't about being dishonest this is about keeping a commitment that you can't get out of and doing it with as minimal discomfort as possible.

 

I agree with all who said the weekend wasn't truly about a daughter with a cough. If he could "consider" a sitter if he chose to is proof the situation is not that dire. Kids get coughs and colds all the time. The fact that he turned it on you when this was not just an ordinary weekend but one in which you had birthday plans is truly very revealing into how he deals with conflict.

[annie24]

Are you sure that when he said adding or detracting from his life that he meant in terms of simply money? Because that statement could also mean that he feels he is spending money on a relationship that may not be working for him - not necessarily financially but emotionally or romantically.

 

It seems a cold way to express what he is feeling to mention money at all - but dating does cost money that one would not ordinarily spend even if your partner pays their share. If money is tight for him he may be evaluating if that money is well spent to be with someone who isn't right for him for some reason.

 

yes of course, it is good to periodically evaluate relationships to figure out if they make your life better or worse, but man, what a cold way to say it! blah.

[blender]

The simple fact that you and your ex-husband choose to have a good respectful relationship, is a sign of BOTH OF YOUR characters.. and this new guy in your life, ugh..to have such "angst and hatred" for his ex says so much about his character, because no matter what she did, or why she did it, it would be a stronger sign of character if he simply felt empathy for her, and made a choice to "accept" that they were not meant to be..

 

Perhaps she had issues that were too much to overcome, and the truth and the drama is usually a combination of both partners issues... he could choose to have let go with some respect and moved on whatever her issues may have been and not harbor ill feelings for all this time.. for him to still have such negative emotion regarding her, well I'm sure his 'ego" is involved in some way.. again it's all about what "happened" to HIM, how HE was misundertood..

 

You not only want a man who makes an effort to be understanding of you, but also of others.. and if the values or issues do not work out, then a mature, classy guy would not be hanging on to so much resentment about an ex.. he would wish her well and let go and move on with his life to love again in a healthier way..

 

Perhaps he does not seem like he has a "healthy" pattern of respectful love.. it seems like when it gets "too real or too responsible" he starts to project and point out the "flaws" in the other person, so he doesn't ever look at HIS OWN PART in it..and that can be so emotionally draining and exhausting for whomever he is involved with at the time...

 

The red flag at the start was the difference in both of your "emotional relationship history".. you were married for a long time, got married young, grew apart, are still friends, respectful and would be there for each other if needed.. and he came into this relationship with a history of "a catastropic previous relationship with someone else"... well all things consider that wouldn't be so horrible IF he took some responsiblity in why he stayed with her, what part he may have played in the unhealthy pattern..etc.. but again he "blames' or "couldn't understand why she reacts that way"

 

IF you have already decided you want to end this, then try not to give him the honor and benefit of the "details of if you're right or wrong or whatever" . just say you have discovered that he may not share your same values, and somethings at the core of the difference are not things you see changing, and you don't want him to change for you, that's not realistic, and you now want to work through all the transitions you have been through in your own life and you wish him well, but right now you're not ready to continue and committ to the relationship with him, and you hope he can understand and respect your wanting to let go...

 

If you keep it simple as the "different values' type of conversation you will keep the wounds down to a minimum, you will feel good about yourself when walking away, and you won't feel as if you allowed yourself to get all caught up in telling what you feel and what HE did wrong... that doesn't matter if you are letting go.. so let go with respect and few details.. and go and celebrate your new independence and look forward to the amazing healthy respectful wonderful love you will attract into your life.. for today give your precious energy and love to yourself and your children

[Siriana]

Can't you just pretend you got sick and skip the cruise ?

Or dump him today and take someone else on a cruise?

I would do one of these things.

[Siriana]

he told me that he had been counting how much money he has spent since we have been dating, and if I am adding to his life or detracting

 

In my eyes this means that he was looking how much relationship costs him and how much benefit it gives him.

He was looking the ratio between costs and benefits.

So first part is about money and second about how much does he gets for his money.

 

 

I think I need to puke lol

 

So if he didn't like the relationship but it wouldn't cost him a dime he would stay for a while.

But if he spends some money (some, not decent amount, because I'm guessing he's cheep) he think he needs to get first class gf.

And has not enough decency not to say it openly.

 

If you're not happy with relationship, you're not happy.

Comparing your feeling of happiness with how much you spend on a lunch here and there is just pathetic

 

Dumping him with a line, I wanna date someone who has more money than you do would be hilarious lol (j/k)

[greyseal]

Hi Nickiabrown! It's my birthday today too, and GUESS what?? My BF flaked on me as well! It won't be the first time on my birthday, either...so truly, it's time to dump him. As one poster here said, it can't be all about his needs, his agenda.

 

Please do not ignore red flags, or your gut. I have done so for far too long.

 

And happy birthday, sweetie!!

[ghost69]

sounds to me like he wants out of the relationship. it just doesn't seem like when he talks to you he sounds like you are worth it.